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XII-LOOKING FOR LOVE
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2024-10-29 19:42:56XII
The next day, Redman brought a couple of musicians that I was going to play with. We re- hearsed some covers of bands we liked and also prepared a mix of our best own songs. Ru- ben, a Spanish guy who sang in English with an accent, told me he thought my face sounded familiar.
In the end, I couldn't hide the fact that we had met in some college hallway, but the guy seemed nice and didn't ask any further. He came with Lisetta, a Portuguese girl he was dating, and whose beautiful voice brought a lot of character to the band.
When the day of the concert arrived, everything was great, except for one thing: Harlan wasn't there. I called the phone number he had given me and was told that there was
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Anna's Decision XIII-NEED FOR THERAPY
XIII The withdrawal mixed with all the memories that were tearing my mind apart. Assaulted at night by tremors and agitation, I decided to spend some of what I had earned on a clinical psychologist. When I arrived at the center, I was offered group therapy. Not only was this cheaper, but also allowed me to share my experience with others. Everyone was sitting in a circle, and the psychologist began by asking direct questions: 'John, what's wrong with you?' 'My dad is always getting into my stuff. It makes me want to tell him to fuck off and leave home.' I looked at the teenager, who had addiction etched on his face. The therapist then looked at an older man
Anna's Decision XIV-IT'S A MATTER OF POETRY
XIV It was time for the next talk. "I want to crawl under a rock and die," I thought as I saw Kate and Beth walk in. They stood in the back, staring at the dais with a stiff neck. Beth was about to get up when Redman entered. 'What are you doing?' he asked them. 'I need to talk to Anna.' 'Class is about to start, wait until the end.' 'But...' Redman smiled and waved his hands at her. I remember speaking mechanically, without my words matching the tone I was using, about the themes of poetry. This time I was supposed to be with people who wanted to learn to write. What were those two scoundrels doing there? Surely they had heard about my horrible speec
Anna's Decision XV-AN AGRESSIVE GIRL
XV The first few days with Kate were uneventful. Our conversations were about inconsequential matters: her classes, my concerts, grocery shopping, if I'd go back to university. 'Well, tell me about yourself,' I finally said one afternoon as she poured coffee. 'About me?' she laughed. 'Yes, your parents, your siblings, who you are.' 'Wow' she replied in her usual jovial tone. 'How profound.' 'Come on, seriously.' She scratched her hair and hesitated before starting. 'My father, well, he died three years ago.' 'I'm sorry.' 'He smoked like a chimney. He quit for a while, but eventually he came back. The thing is, my mother and I get alo
Anna's Decision XVI-TALKING WITH A FRIEND
XVI 'Come on, what happened to you?' wondered Kate when she saw me. 'Can't you guess? It was your dear friend Erika.' 'Oh, shit, I'm sorry to hear that. But hey, it's not my fault, right?' She came over to me and hugged me, worried about the poke in the eye. 'I know, but you're part of her friendships.' 'I can see you're taking it out on me.' She folded her arms. 'I'm the only one who has helped you and cares about you.' 'And now what am I going to do, let her hit me every time she sees me?' 'I'll talk to her, but don't blame me if I can't get her to change her mind. She's stubborn as a mule.' It was a Saturday afternoon and we had
Anna's Decision XVII-AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION
XVII I got off the bus ready for anything. When you have hit rock bottom, get scared to death and lost friends, love and dignity, you no longer look at the world with the same eyes. t's not that you think you have the power to get things right, but that you lose the worry. Except when you feel something like poisonous love, then you are the most fragile and vulnerable person in the world. I crossed the revolving door, close to a woman carrying a very expensive design- er handbag. Out of sheer impatience, I almost bumped into her. The lady crossed the hall and went straight to the check-in counter, where she was attended by a young South American-looking guy. 'Shit, it's no
Anna's Decision XVIII-HE HAD ANOTHER GIRL
XVIII 'What did Beth want?' asked Kate. 'Well nothing, she knows we're living together, doesn't she?' She shook her head, avoiding responsibility. 'Yeah, well, I mentioned it to her, but she didn't say anything about you.' 'Well, she told me she was worried about me. She wanted me to meet her and Jack and Radcliffe, her father.' 'And you told her no?' 'I gave her the runaround. It's just that this dinner as if they were my family, I see it as a bit fake.' She got serious. 'I think Beth wants what's best for you.' 'But I just don't get it. After Jack left me for someone else, she wants me to suffer while eating with them? Are
Anna's Decision XIX-A REAL CHALLENGE
XIX The flashing lights illuminated us and the drummer began to set the rhythm. I couldn't help but order myself a beer, although I always carried the card with the clinic's number on it, just in case. The first song was a Coldplay cover, "Yellow". That made the couples gathered there put their arms around each other's necks and lit lighters to set the beat in the dark. I tuned my voice and sang, oblivious to who was in the audience. Between songs, I could make out Beth, who was signaling me from a chair. Jack and Erika had gone, which relieved me. Every concert, every class, was like Groundhog Day. Stage fright justified by the anxiety of facing the people I wanted to cut out of my life.
Anna's Decision XX-PREPARING FOR SOMETHING SPICY
XX We stopped three streets away at a very spacious but empty pub. There were no performan- ces, just a mauve light and two couples chatting to the sound of a soulful tune. We hadn't said anything beyond discussing the best way to get to the place with wry grimaces. 'Table for two?' asked a twenty-something waiter with a bow tie and slicked-back hair. I nodded. Harlan looked down. 'Up there, in the background.' We walked, no longer holding each other's arms. 'Something to drink?' 'Half a pint,' I decided, trying to control my urge to drink. 'Another for me.' The waiter bowed and left. 'Why did it take you so long to say it?'
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Anna's Decision XXXIII-AN OPEN DOOR
XXXIIII couldn't help but break down in tears. 'Stop it, for fuck's sake, have you guys gone crazy?'I got in the middle of the two of them to try to separate them. Harlan wouldn't let go, and Jack looked focused, like he was gathering strength to punch him.'Let him go!' I insisted. Jack gained momentum and threw a punch, which hit him glancingly, but I got in the way and shouted again.'You're a bastard. You already hurt her once, you hear me?' Harlan accused the other as he stepped back, ready to walk away. I'd never seen him like that.If I'd been told Jack would get cocky, I'd have believed it more.'Did I? I don't know what nonsense you're talking, you deadbeat.'
Anna's Decision XXXII-ABOUT TO BE CAUGHT
XXXII I hurriedly searched for the keys, and sighed in relief that the car was driving away. 'Were you coming with Harlan?' reacted Diya, surprised. 'Yes, of course. It's better if he doesn't come in here. Or at least, I wanted to warn you first.' 'But why? I've already told you there's nothing going on between us.' My emotional brain was making me jealous, while reason was telling me that Diya was right. 'I didn't want to bring it without telling you first, in case you felt uncomfortable,' I lied. I didn't know if it sounded very convincing. As we drank coffee and watched MTV videos, I thought about how to say the right words. 'Well, we've got a problem,
Anna's Decision XXXI-ARGUING
XXXI We entered the hotel arguing, with mutual reproaches. I demanded impossible proof from him that he had never been with Diya while she was with me. He, for his part, seemed to ask the same of me regarding Jack. We were evenly matched, so we ended up in bed, staring into each other's eyes, repeating "swear to me no..." and then eating each other out. Again those arms were wrapped around me. I was like floating after carrying all the tension with him. And yet, that night I dreamed of my brother Ben. We were in the park, playing cowboys and Indians, laughing and then playing cards with some cousins from London. I was happy then, but happiness is elusive.
Anna's Decision XXX-LOVE TRIANGLE
XXX Leaving the house with Kate to go to college, I found a flower in the mailbox. "To Anna, with love," it said on a tag attached to the stem. 'Look, this has been left here. Could it have been Jack?' I asked Kate, whom I had already filled in on the boy's courtship. 'Well, if you don't know,' laughed Kate. I sighed, thinking about Jack's proposal, as we headed for the bus. 'But you've told him no, haven't you?' I remembered that I had turned him down without much vehemence. 'I'm with Harlan, you know that. But he has to make up his mind to come with me to London. Besides, you know something, and don't let him get out of here? Sometim
Anna's Decision XXIX-YOU'D BETTER MAKE A DECISION
XXIX I had caught up on my studies and was ready for any challenge. I had no rehearsal that after- noon, so I met with Harlan. I hoped everything would be cleared up, so we agreed that I would pick him up at the hotel. The front desk was clear, so I went straight to the desk. He gave me a discreet kiss on the lips. 'And your father?", I demanded. 'He's coming.' He didn't seem nervous, so I got straight to the point. 'Diya is not depressed.' He shook his head. 'I already told you, Anna. It was her father who told me.' Just then her father, who had overheard the conversation, came in. 'I've already spoken to my partner. He has lied,
Anna's Decision XXVIII-LET'S GATHER
XXVIII I knew it was clumsy to do it that way, but one afternoon I went to where I had seen her get out of Harlan's car and there she was. She was walking near the tourist office. 'Good afternoon, Diya?' I tried. 'Yes,' she answered, puzzled. 'I wanted to talk to you about Harlan.' 'Ah, are you Anna, his girlfriend?' I didn't remember us defining the relationship that way, but it sounded good. 'Well, that's one way of loo
Anna's Decision XXVII-WILL YOU CHOOSE?
XXVII We were sitting across from each other, wine and fish, dim lights. He insisted that I wait be- fore he told me what he had to tell me. 'Well, what's that so important,' I asked before taking a sip from the glass. 'Diya.' It was off to a bad start. My face changed. 'You're going to leave me for her and you're laughing at me?' 'Wait, Anna, wait,' he frowned. 'I'm not with her, okay? But there's a little problem with her father.' 'A problem with his father?' I repeated, laconic. 'Yes, and with Diya...Yesterday, she told me she was really in love with me.' 'But you don't love her, do you,' I tried to get him to confirm. Silence. 'D
Anna's Decision XXVI-MONICA AGAIN
XXVI My instinct was sharp. I shouldn't have accepted the conditions, but it was time to face the music. After all, I would spend all day studying. In class, they could stare at me for as long as they wanted, wear me down with their eyes, and subject me to the social judgment of those who had nothing better to spend their time on. Monica. A name to forget, no matter how over it was. Diya, Diya, what was the use of repeat- ing all those names in my head? We are what we are, regardless of the circumstances. And always in spite of the circumstances, which in reality do make up what we are. What a mess! On paper, in the exams, all those philosophical and literary theories could be of some us
Anna's Decision XXV-BACK TO SCHOOL
XXV My only way to celebrate St. Patrick's Day was to study the first semester subjects I had left half-finished. Kate volunteered to help me and we spent many hours catching up. Language, literature, history. Victorian era, Modernism, Postmodernism...Kate's notes were neat and everything was well summarized. She was the one who lent them to Beth and Erika. I went to bed exhausted, not thinking that the next morning I would have to see them and face them. The aula magna had a staircase in the center, which I climbed, trying to cover my face, to the surprised looks of my classmates. It was ridiculous that I was acting like a child. Kate was a- head of me, even though
