XV
The first few days with Kate were uneventful. Our conversations were about inconsequential matters: her classes, my concerts, grocery shopping, if I'd go back to university.
'Well, tell me about yourself,' I finally said one afternoon as she poured coffee.
'About me?' she laughed.
'Yes, your parents, your siblings, who you are.'
'Wow' she replied in her usual jovial tone. 'How profound.'
'Come on, seriously.'
She scratched her hair and hesitated before starting.
'My father, well, he died three years ago.'
'I'm sorry.'
'He smoked like a chimney. He quit for a while, but eventually he came back. The thing is, my mother and I get alo
XVI 'Come on, what happened to you?' wondered Kate when she saw me. 'Can't you guess? It was your dear friend Erika.' 'Oh, shit, I'm sorry to hear that. But hey, it's not my fault, right?' She came over to me and hugged me, worried about the poke in the eye. 'I know, but you're part of her friendships.' 'I can see you're taking it out on me.' She folded her arms. 'I'm the only one who has helped you and cares about you.' 'And now what am I going to do, let her hit me every time she sees me?' 'I'll talk to her, but don't blame me if I can't get her to change her mind. She's stubborn as a mule.' It was a Saturday afternoon and we had
XVII I got off the bus ready for anything. When you have hit rock bottom, get scared to death and lost friends, love and dignity, you no longer look at the world with the same eyes. t's not that you think you have the power to get things right, but that you lose the worry. Except when you feel something like poisonous love, then you are the most fragile and vulnerable person in the world. I crossed the revolving door, close to a woman carrying a very expensive design- er handbag. Out of sheer impatience, I almost bumped into her. The lady crossed the hall and went straight to the check-in counter, where she was attended by a young South American-looking guy. 'Shit, it's no
XVIII 'What did Beth want?' asked Kate. 'Well nothing, she knows we're living together, doesn't she?' She shook her head, avoiding responsibility. 'Yeah, well, I mentioned it to her, but she didn't say anything about you.' 'Well, she told me she was worried about me. She wanted me to meet her and Jack and Radcliffe, her father.' 'And you told her no?' 'I gave her the runaround. It's just that this dinner as if they were my family, I see it as a bit fake.' She got serious. 'I think Beth wants what's best for you.' 'But I just don't get it. After Jack left me for someone else, she wants me to suffer while eating with them? Are
XIX The flashing lights illuminated us and the drummer began to set the rhythm. I couldn't help but order myself a beer, although I always carried the card with the clinic's number on it, just in case. The first song was a Coldplay cover, "Yellow". That made the couples gathered there put their arms around each other's necks and lit lighters to set the beat in the dark. I tuned my voice and sang, oblivious to who was in the audience. Between songs, I could make out Beth, who was signaling me from a chair. Jack and Erika had gone, which relieved me. Every concert, every class, was like Groundhog Day. Stage fright justified by the anxiety of facing the people I wanted to cut out of my life.
XX We stopped three streets away at a very spacious but empty pub. There were no performan- ces, just a mauve light and two couples chatting to the sound of a soulful tune. We hadn't said anything beyond discussing the best way to get to the place with wry grimaces. 'Table for two?' asked a twenty-something waiter with a bow tie and slicked-back hair. I nodded. Harlan looked down. 'Up there, in the background.' We walked, no longer holding each other's arms. 'Something to drink?' 'Half a pint,' I decided, trying to control my urge to drink. 'Another for me.' The waiter bowed and left. 'Why did it take you so long to say it?'
He slid the key into the lock. A two-story house, as spacious as the rest of those in the area. 'Would you like a drink?' he asked. I took his hand. 'What I'm in the mood for is something else.' When he looked at me, I could see the sternness disappear from his face. You could read the desire in his eyes. He was aroused. 'Let's go to my room, it's upstairs.' We climbed the stairs, him with his arm around my waist. Once inside, I stood watching what he was doing. Without even giving me time to react, he brought his lips to mine and placed his hands on the curve of my ass. I unzipped his cardigan and threw it on the floor, while he pulled the straps of my dress until I was in my underwear. As I slipped my hand into his fly, I felt the bulge of his penis. He rubbed my hand over the top of my floral lace panties, until I began to lubricate. When he removed my bra with his mouth, he was already in his underwear
XXII My blushing and my fear that he would consider me a vulgar woman were placated when he sat down next to me on the edge of the bed, already dressed in his pajamas. I was crestfallen, I hadn't even pulled my pants over my panties. 'What's the matter, didn't you like it?' 'Of course I did. It's not that, it's...' He slipped an arm around me and put his head on my shoulder. 'So, do you regret already?' 'I'm not looking for just a one-night stand, Harlan. You'll think I'm sleeping around because I did it with you so fast.' 'That's nonsense. I'd love for us to keep seeing each other.' 'Well then, you need to talk to that girlfr
XXIII I woke up, still cradled in Harlan's arms. I didn't know what time it was, but I didn't care either, as a pleasurable tingling went up from my back to my neck. "Baby," I whispered. I was still sleeping. I continued to lie on my side, relaxed by the sound of crickets chirping behind the window. So quiet I was that I didn't hear the sound of the key turning. Only the knob made me alert. I wanted to get up, but my body froze. There he stood, long as a day without bread, Harlan's father. I could barely see him, standing in the middle of the room with his arms crossed. My eyes had clouded over. 'Will you explain to me what this is?' My lips
XXXIIII couldn't help but break down in tears. 'Stop it, for fuck's sake, have you guys gone crazy?'I got in the middle of the two of them to try to separate them. Harlan wouldn't let go, and Jack looked focused, like he was gathering strength to punch him.'Let him go!' I insisted. Jack gained momentum and threw a punch, which hit him glancingly, but I got in the way and shouted again.'You're a bastard. You already hurt her once, you hear me?' Harlan accused the other as he stepped back, ready to walk away. I'd never seen him like that.If I'd been told Jack would get cocky, I'd have believed it more.'Did I? I don't know what nonsense you're talking, you deadbeat.'
XXXII I hurriedly searched for the keys, and sighed in relief that the car was driving away. 'Were you coming with Harlan?' reacted Diya, surprised. 'Yes, of course. It's better if he doesn't come in here. Or at least, I wanted to warn you first.' 'But why? I've already told you there's nothing going on between us.' My emotional brain was making me jealous, while reason was telling me that Diya was right. 'I didn't want to bring it without telling you first, in case you felt uncomfortable,' I lied. I didn't know if it sounded very convincing. As we drank coffee and watched MTV videos, I thought about how to say the right words. 'Well, we've got a problem,
XXXI We entered the hotel arguing, with mutual reproaches. I demanded impossible proof from him that he had never been with Diya while she was with me. He, for his part, seemed to ask the same of me regarding Jack. We were evenly matched, so we ended up in bed, staring into each other's eyes, repeating "swear to me no..." and then eating each other out. Again those arms were wrapped around me. I was like floating after carrying all the tension with him. And yet, that night I dreamed of my brother Ben. We were in the park, playing cowboys and Indians, laughing and then playing cards with some cousins from London. I was happy then, but happiness is elusive.
XXX Leaving the house with Kate to go to college, I found a flower in the mailbox. "To Anna, with love," it said on a tag attached to the stem. 'Look, this has been left here. Could it have been Jack?' I asked Kate, whom I had already filled in on the boy's courtship. 'Well, if you don't know,' laughed Kate. I sighed, thinking about Jack's proposal, as we headed for the bus. 'But you've told him no, haven't you?' I remembered that I had turned him down without much vehemence. 'I'm with Harlan, you know that. But he has to make up his mind to come with me to London. Besides, you know something, and don't let him get out of here? Sometim
XXIX I had caught up on my studies and was ready for any challenge. I had no rehearsal that after- noon, so I met with Harlan. I hoped everything would be cleared up, so we agreed that I would pick him up at the hotel. The front desk was clear, so I went straight to the desk. He gave me a discreet kiss on the lips. 'And your father?", I demanded. 'He's coming.' He didn't seem nervous, so I got straight to the point. 'Diya is not depressed.' He shook his head. 'I already told you, Anna. It was her father who told me.' Just then her father, who had overheard the conversation, came in. 'I've already spoken to my partner. He has lied,
XXVIII I knew it was clumsy to do it that way, but one afternoon I went to where I had seen her get out of Harlan's car and there she was. She was walking near the tourist office. 'Good afternoon, Diya?' I tried. 'Yes,' she answered, puzzled. 'I wanted to talk to you about Harlan.' 'Ah, are you Anna, his girlfriend?' I didn't remember us defining the relationship that way, but it sounded good. 'Well, that's one way of loo
XXVII We were sitting across from each other, wine and fish, dim lights. He insisted that I wait be- fore he told me what he had to tell me. 'Well, what's that so important,' I asked before taking a sip from the glass. 'Diya.' It was off to a bad start. My face changed. 'You're going to leave me for her and you're laughing at me?' 'Wait, Anna, wait,' he frowned. 'I'm not with her, okay? But there's a little problem with her father.' 'A problem with his father?' I repeated, laconic. 'Yes, and with Diya...Yesterday, she told me she was really in love with me.' 'But you don't love her, do you,' I tried to get him to confirm. Silence. 'D
XXVI My instinct was sharp. I shouldn't have accepted the conditions, but it was time to face the music. After all, I would spend all day studying. In class, they could stare at me for as long as they wanted, wear me down with their eyes, and subject me to the social judgment of those who had nothing better to spend their time on. Monica. A name to forget, no matter how over it was. Diya, Diya, what was the use of repeat- ing all those names in my head? We are what we are, regardless of the circumstances. And always in spite of the circumstances, which in reality do make up what we are. What a mess! On paper, in the exams, all those philosophical and literary theories could be of some us
XXV My only way to celebrate St. Patrick's Day was to study the first semester subjects I had left half-finished. Kate volunteered to help me and we spent many hours catching up. Language, literature, history. Victorian era, Modernism, Postmodernism...Kate's notes were neat and everything was well summarized. She was the one who lent them to Beth and Erika. I went to bed exhausted, not thinking that the next morning I would have to see them and face them. The aula magna had a staircase in the center, which I climbed, trying to cover my face, to the surprised looks of my classmates. It was ridiculous that I was acting like a child. Kate was a- head of me, even though