VI-AND HE GAVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER

                                                                    VI

The summer passed like an exhalation in my life. If this was living, stringing together seasons, routines, loves and disappointments, then I wasn't going to be the one to make sense of it.

Just as I was about to cancel my projects and move back to London, I was called to work for a consultancy. Against all odds, I was selected as a part-time administrative intern. A temporary job, but better than nothing.

My boss, Mrs. Stern, was strict but fair in her demands. But one day I discovered that she was a distant aunt of Beth and Jack. I was still living with them and was being paid a small amount for tutoring Roy, so I had enough money to send home to my parents. Whether I wanted to or not, my whole existence depended on that strange foster family. My relationship with them, however, remained cold.

College classes went on and I was busier than ever. As if fate wanted to play a trick on me, Monica crossed my path again. We would meet, make out and then go weeks without seeing each other. I wanted to feel that kind of inner peace that some people feel when they don't commit to anyone. I thought she wasn't capable of playing that way either, but I was wrong.

A shudder preceded my stomach ache when I saw her holding hands with another girl walk- ing down Grafton Street. She looked at me as if she didn't know me, unperturbed by my surprised face, and the two continued walking as if nothing had happened.

Days passed and nothing I did motivated me. I was like a zombie whose ability to feel had been taken away. Not a call, not an explanation. That wasn't what I needed either.

I mentally rehearsed in front of the mirror what I should say to her. "You betrayed me, I trust- ed you and you weren't clean. You are the cruelest person I have ever met."

Then I would burst into tears and, when I got over it, I would type the digits that went with that name in my address book. "Monica." Why did even seeing the letters make me feel so miserable? I would always hit the back button at the last minute.  If I dialed her number, I was lost.

I guess slamming on the brakes so hard caused us to break up in the most inappropriate way, by text. I hated seeing her face on W******p, but at the same time I loved her beauty. She would tell me it was just a physical thing, but I realized it was not. It was just an impossible love, like in Madame Bovary. An idealization of the other person that I had held until I fell off my cloud.

"Hi. I see you're seeing someone else. I wish you to be happy, hugs," I wrote.

"No, we're not dating. I think we can work it out."

How could she have such a pout?

"No way, it's too late for that."

"Sorry, give me a chance."

"You're out of my life, don't write me again."

The last message kicked in and she never contacted me again. I had said a thousand times that I wouldn't think about her and I had lied to myself. But this time it was true. Instead, I was thinking about Jack. "If only I could bring back the magic we had in the beginning." But it was impossible to claim him.

The connection between two human beings depends on a series of chemical reactions in the brain and the system had stopped working. Still, I couldn't stay without trying. Since he was rarely home and I wanted to talk to him privately, I went to find him at work.

'Anna, what the hell are you doing here?' he wondered.

'I've come to talk to you seriously.'

He raised an eyebrow and took a step backwards, trying to disguise himself so as not to be the subject of gossip from colleagues who were quietly returning to their homes.

'You can't just show up here. What's that important thing you can't tell me later?'

'I love you, Jack.'

I was hoping for at least a little sympathy. That was my failing, wanting to be pitied and pitied by others.  But Jack simply let out a nervous laugh.

'You're out of your mind, I have no doubt anymore.'

'Why, because I'm in love? I wish I could pretend, like you do,' I cried.

Just then Erika appeared. She had overheard our conversation and didn't seem to have been too amused.

'He's telling you to leave him alone, you little dead fly. He's already got me, I'm his girlfriend.'

'All right, I'm leaving,' I said.

'Right away. And I hope I don't see you coming near my boyfriend, or you'll be dealing with me'.

I couldn't hold back the tears on the bus, where everyone was staring at me. By the time I made it, we were almost at Malahide. I got off and broke through the hedges leading to the Radcliffe's house and burst into tears again. "Now I'll clean myself up so they won't see me like this," I said to myself.

Too late.

Beth tapped me on the shoulder, and when I turned around, she noticed the sadness in my eyes.

'Anna, what's wrong,' she said, switching to a sweet voice I'd never heard before from her.

'Jack'

'Jack?'

'Yes, Beth. I can't get him out of my mind'.

I told her everything and she comforted me. It was amazing how, sometimes, people can have so many faces. Life is imperfect, and when one aspect of it works well, something else always gets screwed up. I had finished dinner when Jack arrived. Beth didn't say anything and Mr. Radcliffe was watching TV. Jack took me into the bedroom and started talking to me as if nothing had happened.

'Anna, I've spoken to Erika. I'm conveying her apology to you.'

'There's nothing I can do about that,' I said with a frown.

'We can be friends, she won't mind.'

'No,' I replied waving a hand in the air. 'From now on, I want you to limit yourself to talking to me only from a professional standpoint, or when there's a problem in the house.'

'But Anna...'

'There is no but,' I interrupted. I sounded rather childish addressing him. 'It's the wisest decision.'

Although I couldn't express it firmly, I was convinced of it. But that night, with my eyes closed, the light off and tossing and turning in the sheets, I thought that with my stupid decisions I was incapable of keeping anything of value. Everything was melting in my hands like an ice cube.