V-STRUGGLING TO GET BY

                                                                       V

The next few weeks were spent running from building to building at the university, eating snacks and fast food, overwhelmed by classwork, upcoming exams, and visits to professors' offices. There was hardly any excitement that Monica had taken me into her shared apart- ment.

The other roommate was a computer geek who was almost always in her room, and Monica and I didn't even talk more than necessary, except for the common assignment.

I lost track of time. It's amazing how one can perceive eternity in a single minute and get sucked into the routine for months. Before I knew it, it was already June. In Irish Literature exam I had to answer a question about Samuel Beckett.

I wore a shirt and a pendant my grandma had given me. "They'll bring me luck," I thought. What I liked most about the exams was that they made me release adrenaline. I held back a tear as I remembered my brother telling me "you're a masochist and a masochist" when I had a test in high school.

I began by explaining the theater of the absurd and its key authors, or at least the ones that came to mind: Beckett, Ionesco, Harold Pinter, Fernando Arrabal. In essence, even if I put it in finer words, they had realized that life had no meaning. One could only be older than the day before, with more illnesses and more experience, but more sorrow.

If I could start over knowing hat I know now, the author had said, I would arrive at exactly the same point. And yet, we are beings loaded with words and feelings who look for others to get tenderness and true love. It was my last test. Exhausted, I waited for the results. I had passed all the subjects without difficulty.

‘There's an end-of-term party. Do you want to come,' Kate said to me.

'I don't know if it goes with me,' I replied, happy about my results but still disappointed about my emotional life.

'Maybe you'll meet some boy, silly.'

'I don't need to, I've stopped looking.'

Kate laughed, showing her teeth.

'Come on, come to the party, it won't hurt.'

The occasion cost me a good argument with Monica. If in the past she hadn't wanted to tell her parents about us, now it was me who was reluctant.

'You should lose your fear of not being accepted,' she reproached me.

'Monica, it's better if we're friends.'

'You don't want them to know we've been together, do you? Is that it?'

'I...You know I appreciate you, but I don't want...'

'Someday you'll grow up and deign to have a normal relationship.'

'I knew you'd take it the wrong way, but I'd rather they didn't find out about us'

My words bounced around the living room as he slammed the door loudly and went into his room. Mine was separate, so I used to spend the day day daydreaming. I often received calls and messages from Jack, but I ignored them. I never imagined he would have resorted to ghosting.

When the big day came, I sighed in relief. All the resentment was gone. Even the overbearing Erika seemed nice from the effects of the alcohol. The funky music was hard to dance to in a dress as long as Monica's. She looked like a mermaid, dressed in blue like that.  I was wearing a leather skirt and one of my best tops.

No one was suspicious when they saw us dancing together. There were tourists coming from Spain, Portugal and the UK, and we had a good laugh as Diana spoke to the group of boys flirting with her.

'A shot, gorgeous?'

The shot of water you're going to need after the beating I'm going to give you'.

'How ordinary and coarse,' Diana whispered to me as she watched the boy turn pale. Meanwhile, Kate was shaking hands with a burly Italian. His hair was slicked back and he was wearing a tight T-shirt that left his biceps showing.

Then it happened. My companion was trying to convince me to imitate Diana when I spotted Beth. She had her back to me at the end bar. No matter how hard I tried to hide, sitting on a stool and placing my glass on a high round table, I knew she would spot me.

'What are you sitting there for,' Kate guffawed.

'Come, come, cover me.'

She hesitated a little before doing as I asked.

'Hey girl, but what's wrong with you?'

Just then Beth walked by like an exhalation.

'Come on, look who we have here.'

'Beth, I...'

'Hey, cut the crap. We're having a good time, aren't we,' Kate said.

'Don't defend her,' Beth replied. 'And you, come here'

I was scared to see her point her finger at me with a friendless look on her face.

I got off the stool and walked two steps towards her.  She waved me to follow her until we ended up in a corner. I thought she was going to hit me, but instead she folded her arms and started:

'Do not tremble, I have only come to give you a warning'.

I looked at her frightened, not knowing what to expect.

'Don't come near my brother again. You've screwed up his life'

'But there was really nothing between us.'

'Listen, he loved you, but you had to break his heart. And with that freeloader of Monica. She only took the dough from my family, as she's been taught to do, and yet the mother hardly ever let my father see her.'

"'Poor Mr. Radcliffe," I thought, but I merely nodded.

'But Monica is a girl who...', I stammered.

'Hush,' he commanded, arching his body forward. 'I don't want another word about that girl. She has no ethics.'

I agreed with him, sparing him the fact that I was now living with her. That would only make things worse, and while I cared quite a bit about Beth, deep down I couldn't say the same about Jack. It was true that I didn't think about him that often, but that didn't mean I had forgotten him.

'Listen, Beth. I wanted to apologize to you for what...'

'No, no. It was my fault,' he conceded, shaking my hand. I didn't notice much effusiveness in his gestures and his words, but it was a start.

As soon as she left for the dance floor, I told my friends that we had made up and everything was fine. I felt embraced by what I had hitherto considered only fellow students. In Dublin I had no other support. I would figure out how to deal with Jack.

The truce we had signed took effect and the following Tuesday I received a call from Mr. Radcliffe. I was surprised at the way he forced Beth to formally apologize over the phone while he was present. She sounded like a little girl who had been caught out doing something naughty. When she put me through to her father again, he said that he was accepting me on the job again.

Beth had lied and tarnished my reputation, and I would receive a severe reprimand for it. I prepared to come back and thanked Monica for everything.

'You've been very kind, but I need to get back to work.'

'Sure, but you know you can count on me whenever you need me.'

We gave each other a tight hug, and although I could see the sadness in her eyes and the way she was pouting, I didn't say anything about it.

The atmosphere at the Radcliffe house was cordial, but it was as if we were all afraid of breaking something that already had many cracks in it. Beth had gone from warnings to pleas regarding my relationship with Jack. Anyway, she was always working and we rarely crossed paths. I adjusted to this new routine until I heard from my parents in the worst way.

‘Listen, Anna. I've lost my job, I am ill and we're almost in the red,' my father explained.

'But Dad, I still have a scholarship for another course.'

'We're short of money. Are you still working as an au pair?

I answered monosyllabically in the affirmative in case someone in the house could hear me.

'But you should find something better. Your mother makes little money and there are a lot of bills to pay.'

I didn't know what to answer. I felt selfish for coming to Dublin. I just wanted to study what I was passionate about, and even though a literature degree wouldn't guarantee success, my parents hadn't objected to me applying for the Erasmus scholarship.

'I'll try, Dad.'

'That's not enough.'

'It's okay, I'll find it, I'm sure I will.'