Chapter 4: Tears

Nine’s Point of View

“I’m in the middle of discussion, I’ll text if I’m done here” sending to Aya, while typing another set of message my professor call me to answer his question where I did not listen.

“Do you agree, Mr. Ferrell?” he ask me

How am I supposed to answer this, I need to find a way, and as naturally smart I read what’s on the board as fast as I can and come up a pleasant answer

“I beg to disagree, sir” I started my side “The said idea maybe good, but not as safe and sound for those who will available, the inconsistency of it’s idea is very dangerous. Us, Architects, our job isn’t just to design anyone’s infrastructure or homes, but also to ensure their safety” after I deliver that answer of mine, I remain standing, waiting for our Professor’s decision

“That’s very good point Mr. Ferrell, you have bright ideas, but can you refrain using cellphones during discussion?” with his rising voice, that means he’s quite pissed for what I did, after that he raise his hand, signed that I can sit. And after two hour class he dismiss the class.

I want to ace every subject that I have, but I just can ignore Aya’s texts. I can handle it, I need handle it very well, because if I can’t, I may not able to help Juancho. I need to get that fucking bastard feel the hell, more painful than we feel, more miserable than we’ve been through. I’m making sure of that.

“Hey, you’re spacing out” it’s Maxine, they got just dismissed by their professor.

“Huh?, no, I’m just thinking some things” I explained, and after that she just pull me. I let her, because I know where we’ll heading.

This is day, forward will be our practice sessions for the Search, Maxine got the Architects Ambassadress representative spot, so we’re working together.

As we reach the auditorium, I see unfamiliar faces, except for Aya and Joong. I didn’t know that he was the one who’ll represent their faculty, Faculty of Engineering.

Everyone seems so passionate with this, I can tell, how they’re working hard to achieve the best walk, posture and all about the pageant.

“Okay, let’s call it a day” the instructor announce. Everyone cheer, though you hear the tiredness in their voice. I’m also tired, doing this half heartedly is not a good thing, I need to work with this. I can’t afford to disappoint my seniors, especially Joseph and Lia, they’re expecting a lot from me and Maxine.

When everyone bidding their goodbyes to each and everyone, I see Aya walking towards me, behind her is a guy. This guy isn’t familiar with me. Maybe it’s her partner.

“Who’s that guy?, is he your partner?” ask her while my eyes is in that guy

She nodded “Geo, this Nine Ferrell the representative of Faculty of Architecture. Nine, this is George Williams, but you can call him Geo, he’s my partner, obviously from Faculty of Music”

We both nodded, and shake our hands, I really feel the tension between us.

“Geo, I’m going home with Nine, you can go now, by the way thank you” the she smile.

“Okay” then he excuse him self.

I feel something building up, I don’t if it’s just because I’m tired or it’s because I’m not that comfortable seeing Aya with anyone like that. I did talk to Aya, I need to calm my self first.

In the middle of fixing our seatbelts, Aya suddenly ask about my silence “Are you okay”

“I’m okay, it’s just I’m not comf—”

I’m not yet finish when she suddenly hold my hand and “Okay I’m sorry about that, I can’t ignore him, were working together, Nine. I understand if you feel that way, I won’t invalidate that, just trust me and what we have” then she smile without letting go of my hands and her eyes stay with mine.

I’m the man, I should be the one who take the first move, I can’t just let Aya settle in this kind of relationship, we both understand our feelings to each other, but we’re both afraid to admit it. I like her, yes, but the responsibilities that I have right now is too much, though Juancho didn’t pressuring me in any thing, but I can’t just let him do all the works, I need to help him. I want the justice for my parents. I want to give Aya the assurance , but I don’t want us to enter to a relationship that I can’t give her all time, and the commitment. Being in a relationship with her half-heartedly is something that she don’t deserve.

This thing will make me crazy, I don’t know what to do.

“Do you need to me?” Juancho ask, I didn’t notice the time, it’s already eleven in the evening, as far as I remember I want to study for our upcoming exam.

“You’re frowning the whole time, you’re seem so distracted, did something happened?”

I want to tell him everything, but I can’t, I don’t want to add to his burden.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but Nine, as your older brother, I’m also worried about you. I’m may be working, but I’m thinking about you the whole time. I lose mommy and daddy, and I can’t afford to lose you, I only have you. We may talk once in while, but I want to let you know that I’m just here for you, I’m willing to listen, okay?”

I just remain silent and I almost cry, the heck with me, he’s my soft spot, Juancho and Aya is my soft spot.

“For what I’ve heard, you’re now excelling in your class, you even got a spot in Director’s List, that’s good, it was your goal, right? and I also heard that you were the one who’s the representative of your faculty, why you didn’t tell me about those things, I know we don’t talk a lot but, if we have time, like this, you can tell me” now he’s tapping my back. He really knows me.

Now I can’t hold my tears anymore, I burst out to cry, Juancho is shock then without any hesitation, he give me a warm hug, the hug that I need right now.

“I want to tell you everything, but I don’t want to add to your burden, I know you’re working hard for the both of us, you’re also working for the case, and I know you have your own problems too”

He hissed me “Nine, yeah, I admit. I have my problems too, but you’re my younger brother, I can help you with that, if I can help other, then why I can’t with yours. Like what I’ve told you, I only have you, and you’re not a burden to me, you will never be. Please bear that in your mind. Now, tell me what is your problem, so that we can find ways to solve that, I’m always ready to help you”

When I look at his eyes the trace of tears is evident, it’s also screaming of pain and longing. Though I told him that, I can’t bring my self to tell him everything, I’m still hesitant. This is new to me, after how many years, now we’re starting to reconnect the bond we have before. Juancho become cold and distant after the accident of our parents, he was just studying that time, I only see him when I wakeup so early. He’s studying at the same time processing the case and the papers of last well and testament of our parents, he had no one, he doesn’t even have time to mourn. After how many years, the old Juancho I’ve known is back, he’s back, my brother is back.

“Tell me when you are ready.” he smile at me then he leave my room, giving me enough time to adjust, and for me to ready my self. When he leave, I starting to flip the pages of my books and notes, I need to study this. I need to focus and knowing that Juancho got my back is a sign of relief for me.

“Text me if you’re home already” that was Aya’s last text after I drove her home.

I’m typing my reply when I got a message from unregistered number and it says “You’re tired, you better rest and sleep, Good night, see you tomorrow”

Since it not registered, I try to compose a text for a reply when my phone ring, it’s Aya. Oh I forgot to text her back, I was occupied by this unknown sender.

“Hello, Ya” I started “Yeah, I’m home a little while now, yeah, I’m sorry Juancho and I talked, that’s why. Don’t worry, okay? Did you eat?, You should rest now, I’m just reviewing my notes for our upcoming exam, and I’ll go to sleep, you should too, I know you’re tired. Yeah, Okay. Goodnight” and I continue my typing my message for this mystery sender.

“Who’s this? Can you tell me who you are? I’m curious, I’m sorry”

While reading and studying for almost two hours now I didn’t receive any reply. Shit.

“One, two, three, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, five. Stop, you’re making the wrong turn again Mr. Ong. Again, from the top. Oh God this students” the trainer with his most irritated voice. I understand why he’s already pissed, because we’ re doing it for three hours now, but most of us can’t do it the way he wants, we make a lot of mistakes, wrong turns, wrong timings and such. When we barely make it, he’s not still satisfy with our performance.

“Okay, fifteen minutes water break” his assistant announce that make us cheer.

I spot Aya, she’s sitting in the corner, wiping her sweats with her shirts so I decided to give her my extra towel, well it’s actually for her. Tired of waiting for her to grab the towel then I wipe her sweats, from her forehead down to her neck. I sat beside her and give her the tumbler for her to drink, I hate her seeing dehydrated. Her pinkish small lips cracks.

“Drink a lot of water, you’re releasing a lot of water” I commanded that she even follows, after she drink, I also take a sip with the same tumbler I gave her. Yeah, we are sharing the same tumbler. While sipping I got shock when she wipe the falling sweats of mine.

“Oh ho, couple things? “ Maxine with her teasing voice. She knows what Aya and I have but she really love teasing us, especially when she makes Aya blush.

She sat down, beside Aya. “This is so much tiring, but I guess you too seems didn’t feel it. You have each other to take care with each other. God I feel so single, after this I should get a boyfriend, right Aya?” then she clang her hands to Aya’s shoulder.

“You should get a boyfriend now, so that there is someone will take good care of you”

“Yeah, you’re right” then stupid Maxine hold my hand in front of Aya “Nine, will you be my boyfriend?” I believe you can take very good care of me. We’re representing the same faculty, it’s not hard for us to—” she’s not yet even finish when I cut her out

“Max, what are you doing”

Then she laugh out loud, that makes our co-representative look at us. God, she’s making a goddamn scene her.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m just kidding, okay? Chill man. I’m just teasing Aya” while stopping her small laughs

“Stop teasing her, please. You’re making her uncomfortable”

I hold Aya’s hand, to make sure she won’t do anything something unnecessary. But stupid Maxine come near me, in my face then she whisper “I’m just making her jealous, just to make sure if she really had a feelings for you. I’m helping you here, come on”

“Okay, water break is over, come back here, now” the assistant trainer announce

Shit, here we go again. “Well talk later, okay?” then I separate my way to her and grab Maxine’s hand to put ourselves to our supposed positions.

We continue the practice, doing our walks again and again to make sure its not just pleasant but also to make it perfect. While doing the steps I can’t help to think what Aya thinking right now, she’s not a jealous type of girl but for what Maxine did was too much. No one done that before, I’m not even close with other girls way back when we’re just starting. I only have my eyes to Aya, but now that we’re on the same university but different faculty that surely make us get new set of friends, either man or a woman. I indeed trust Aya, and she does to me, but I don’t trust the people surround us. Like what happened yesterday and earlier, their always someone that making ways to make us fight, reason of misunderstandings, make us feel jealous. But what’s my right to feel jealous, thought I’m giving it to her, the rights but I’m not even her boyfriend. I like her but I can’t bring my self to enter in a relationship. I’m scared to lose her along our relationship. I’m scared that I might hurt her. I’m scared that our relationship will be the reason for us to part our ways, and I don’t want that. I hated the idea of losing her.