Despite her earlier performance, Dani is distraught. I can tell because, as I accompany her back to the office, she keeps threatening to castrate and kill people. Well, mainly Jamie, but also a few pedestrians who don’t dive out of the way quick enough. “Knobrash,” she hisses under her breath as she matches ahead, while I struggle to keep up. “Knobrash, knobhead, wanker.” “He’s definitely that,” I concede breathlessly. “Did you see the bloody slut he was with?” She spins round and takes me by surprise. I only just stop in time to avoid colliding with her, only to cause a small four person pile up. “I did,” I untangle myself from someone’s earphone wire and hand it back apologetically. In fact, the woman Jamie was with didn’t look like a slut. She looked completely respectable – and as shocked as Dani. “Knobrash,” she repeats, continuing down the street. “Knobrash, knob…..” “Dani… please slow down,” I beg eventually. She stops and turns. Her lips are trembling, he
“STEVE!! WAKE UP, STEPHEN! YOU LAZY PRAT. WAKE UP, WILL YOU?” I’m standing outside of my brother’s semi detached house, throwing flower buds at his bedroom window. “STEVE, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. PLEASE LET ME IN.” He surfaces like a hibernating bear, “What do you want?” He says grumpily as he emerges from behind the curtain. His neighbours are treated to a view of his naked upper half which is an alarming shade of burnt reddish orange. He’s clearly fallen to sleep on the sun bed again. Fixing his boxers, he opens his window and scowls down at me. “Seriously, what the actual fuck?” “Please open the door,” I reply urgently. “This is important.” “It can’t be more important than me getting some sleep,” he grumbles. “It’s only six pm,” I tell him exasperated. “Who bloody sleeps at this time?” “I’ve only just got back from a conference in Poland, you moron.” I don’t even feel the tiniest bit of guilt about ruining his beauty sleep, he’s clearly just overdone it on a
It honestly never ceases to amaze me, just how many women are attracted to my brother. The car ride lasts ten minutes, and in that time he’s winked at, smiled at and swooned at so much it almost constitutes and epidemic. The first time it happens, when we’re next to a blonde in a Corsa at the lights, I have to do a double take to make sure she isn’t having a stroke. “What on Earth do these women see in you?” I ask incredulously. “Geez, thanks. Way to boost my self esteem.” “If I boosted your self esteem, it’d land you on Mars.” “As a matter of fact…” he begins. “What?” He shakes his head. “Nothing.” “No. Come on. Since when have you been shy and retiring?” He fixes his eyes in the road and grips the steering wheel. “We broke up. Permanently this time.” “What?” I am shocked. “Why on Earth did you split up with her? She was good for you. Honestly, you men have so much to answer for. She showered you with gifts and affection. She’s pretty, okay so she she wasn’t the
Scott’s at home tonight and it feels strange. Not just because he’s so often at Katie’s place these days, but also because I’m an emotional and physical wreck whenever he’s near. I find myself either talking like Forest Gump or a sports commentator on speed, other times es I hardly able to talk at all. I’m filled with longing for him, desperate to reach out and touch him, kiss his lips, feel his arms around me. I’m consumed with jealousy about him and Katie. And shame that I could feel like this about two of my best friends. This episode has brought out a wicked witch side of me, that quite frankly I can’t stand. She’s a bitch. And a miserable bitch at that. Scott wanders into the kitchen and takes out a fillet of fish and some vegetables as I’m preparing my dinner. “That looks….. appetising,” Scott says. I look at my bowl of breakfast cereal. It’s only 130 calories with the milk included. I’d feel very saintly and committed to my diet if I hadn’t already devoured four mini q
Steve and I have been summoned to Mum and Dad’s house. Things couldn’t look more serious if we were heading to court on charges of indecent exposure. When I arrive, Steve is in the kitchen with Mum. It’s almost comical; Mum is five foot and a peanut and about seven stone wet through, Steve is six foot and about thirteen stone of muscle with biceps like pop eye – he looks terrified. “It was Emma’s idea,” he protests. “She said she’d seen you at a hotel with a man and just knew you were having an affair.” Mum looks up and scowls. “Oh look. And here is the master shit stirrer.” “I’m sorry, Mum,” I mutter. There honestly doesn’t seem much point in saying anything else. “Sit down!” She instructs. I obediently find a chair and catch Steve’s eye. He doesn’t look any closer to putting this incident behind him. “Can I point out,” she continues tersely. “That this is the first hint of a good job since….. well, ever.” “We know,” Steve and I mumble. “Can I also point out how un
I honestly can’t really remember the last time I watched Scott play sport, it’s probably been almost five years. I can’t help but think that if I’d have continued watching him, I’d have realised how attractive he is. Today I’m watching him play rugby with his friends and, he’s sensational. Tackling fearlessly, scoring effortlessly, playing faster and harder than anyone else. As he celebrates another try – his fourth of the match – I squeal with pride as his teammates dive on top of him. Then I remember that he’s not mine. His rippling, muddied biceps aren’t mine. His toned torso under his gloriously sweaty shirt isn’t mine. The long, muscular legs aren’t mine. They’re Katie’s. Along with the gorgeous smile and and gentle personality that make him unconcerned about what anyone thinks as he waves to me energetically at the sidelines. “What a brilliant surprise,” he says, running over as soon as the whistle blows. “I didn’t think you were interested in rugby.” “I hadn’t rea
I’m not one of those girls that has kept a little black book. I do have a pink holographic book with a flamingo on it. I got it during a wildlife excursion in year 11, buying it was the highlight of the trip for me. It may make me sound like a loser, but after five hours of observing animals and birds, I’m unapologetic. At least they had a shop. I went home with a tea cup, pencil case, and my little pink book. I was happy. In the fifteen years I’ve had it, the book was gradually filled with the names and numbers of men I went out with. Briefly and unsuccessfully went out with. I sit in the edge of my bed, alone while Scott and Katie shop for new backpacks, and silently flick through its pages. I dug it out because in films, when the heroine has a romantic crisis, she reaches for her address book and conjures up a stream of hunky specimens from her past. My expectations are significantly lower. But surely there must be someone I could ask out, without risking a restraining order
Chris isn’t as good looking as I remember, but that doesn’t put me off. His behaviour this evening is so close to perfect he should write a textbook on dating etiquette. Since we arrived at the comedy lounge an hour ago, I can’t fault him. He’s complimented my dress, enquired about my work, leaped to the bar every time I attempted to. He’s made me feel attractive and clever, when I was feeling about as irresistible as a bloody warthog. For that, I owe him a lot. With five minutes to go before the first act, he turns and smiles. “I feel like an idiot, Emma.” “Oh. Why?” “For not phoning you after the Beverley races. You must have thought I was right twat.” “Well… yes,” I agree, but without any venom. He looks embarrassed. “I’ve always had this problem with commitment,” he explains. “Whenever a woman likes me, I feel the need to create some space – to take a breather.” “Hey, don’t worry Chris,” I laugh, gently. “It’s not like you broke my heart.” “Of course,” he says, una
If anybody had told me six months ago that Dani and my dimwit brother would become an item, I’d have questioned their sanity. She’s sophisticated, intelligent and witty. And, well, he farts like a flatulent rhinoceros and is refined as those hillbillies on The Hills Have Eyes. Yet, they got together two weeks after the fire, when Dani expressed a sudden and mysterious desire to join me when I popped round to Steve’s to loan him The Walking Dead box set. I stayed for fifteen minutes. Dani stayed for four days. Her theory is that I am blind to Steve’s charm because he’s my brother. That he’s fun, loving, amusing and attentive. She also tried to tell me that he’s great in bed, but I acted like a grown up and stuck my fingers in my ears, while singing “la-la-la-can’t-head-you-la-la-la” until she stopped. As for Steve, well, he’s smitten. Honestly, she’s turned him into a puppy dog – albeit not a very cute one. Despite my reservations, they seem to be enjoying themselves. And for the
The moment I see him I am balled over by how handsome he is, he’s irresistibly, mouth wateringly sexy. I’m looking at a man who, thanks to project Scott, is the ultimate manifestation of female desire. He turns heads wherever he goes. But that isn’t the reason I love him. It’s not the clothes, or the hairstyle, it isn’t even his body or face. The Scott I love is the funny, intelligent, caring, loyal and lovely person I met all those years ago. That’s the Scott I long for, the Scott I can’t spend another day without. The trimmings and display are irrelevant. “Hi there, Emma,” he grins. His grin becomes a smile and it sends a surge of Hope through my veins, turning my legs to jelly and killing my ability to speak. “Are you okay?” “Yes. I … yes,” I stutter. Emotion rushes through me and my heartbeat thuds in my chest, thundering in my ears. “I’m just surprised to see you,” I say once my words find their way back to me. “And… happy?” I nod as tears cloud my vision. “Ve
There’s one single word on the front: Emma. Seeing my name written in Scott’s very distinctive handwriting makes my heart pause and I gasp for breath. With my heart racing and fingers trembling, I open the envelope and head to my small balcony terrace. I throw myself into the chair, cross my legs and scan the letter, unable to devour its contents quick enough. ******** Dearest Emma, I’ve written this letter multiple times, and rewritten it in my mind at least a thousand times. Yet o never thought putting pen to paper would be so difficult. This is the eleventh copy and I’m still not happy with it. I thought about quoting your favourite poetry and literature but nothing seems appropriate enough to explain the situation, so it’s down to clumsy old me. There’s just one small problem; what do you say to the woman you’ve been in love with for years? From the moment I first met you, Emma, my life has been enhanced in a way I can’t fully explain. All those cold, wet and miserable aft
I try to think of an ingenious way to get through security. But after yet another infuriating conversation with another official, I’m forced to accept that the methods to combat terrorism are also enough to intervene when a unfit, scruffy and desperate woman. With an alarming and increasing level of determination I decide to buy a ticket to somewhere in Asia, just so that I can get through the security gates. But after another episode at the security desk, the fact that my passport is in a box at my new home is clearly a show-stopper. I stand in the airport in a confused daze, and take out my phone. I wanted to do this in person, but now I have no choice. I close my eyes and wait for the line to ring. It goes straight to voicemail. “Oh god,” I cry, but nobody notices. For almost an hour I pace up and down, trying to come up with a brilliant plan. But no matter how I try, nothing happens and no plan is formed. I look at my watch for the millionth time today and see that
I’m normally the safest driver in the world. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. Scott would say I drive like a grandma, behind the wheel , sticking to the speed limit and often below it. Scott, my heart aches. But with the needle on my speedometer touching a perilous 74mph – okay, so I’m not the next Schumacher or Hamilton, but I’m belting along the M62 in a small Vauxhall corsa leaving behind a caravan and two heavy duty trucks. My heart is hammering against my ribcage as I play corny movie scenes in my head. Lovers running with open arms and floaty haired women being spun around. Kisses that go on forever. The problem is, that this reunion isn’t going to be straightforward. Firstly, there’s Katie. Whether she fancies Daniel or not, there’s protocol to follow. Call me old fashioned, but declaring your love for someone else’s boyfriend isn’t the done thing. Yet, that is exactly what I’m about to do. And I’m not sure if I care about the consequences. And then there’s t
Dani is screaming so loudly that the poor patients at the other end of the corridor must think she is undergoing an amputation without pain relief. “Why didn’t you tell me? For fuck sake!” “I… I .. don’t know,” I stammer. “I didn’t want to compromise your friendship with Katie for a start.” “How?” She asks incredulously. “Katie’s in love with Scott, like you said. Even if I was going to be a total arsehole and try to steal him – which I’m not – what good would come of telling you? It’d just land you with information that you’d be powerless to act on.” “Uhhhhh,” Dani rubs her hands down her face. “What a mess.” “Don’t I know it,” I agree. “I don’t mean about you and Scott,” she tuts impatiently. “Though I grant you, that is also a mess.” “What then?” She sighs and her eyes find the window. “You know when I said that I thought Katie was in love with Scott?” I nod. “I was wrong.” It takes a few seconds for her words to sink in. “What?” “She likes Scott, don’
Given the fact that my mum was in a serious near death experience twelve hours ago, she’s looking amazingly well. “Just typical, isn’t it?” She mutters as she grabs another peanut m&m. “Everyone in the real housewives has a hot tub and none of theirs houses burned down.” Dani just smiles and offers me an m&m. “No thank you,” I shake my head. “But then I suppose they had the real thing and wasn’t swimming around in a discarded birthing pool.” My mum must be made of stronger stuff than me. While she is happily stuffing her face with chocolate, I feel like I’ve been hit by a damn truck. It’s not just the aftermath of the fire though, although that alone could leave me in a state of shock until 2040. My mind is also spinning with thoughts of Scott, who is now en route to Doncaster airport. I hope he’s not too annoyed with me for sneaking off, but then I did have a good excuse, even though visiting hours don’t officially start until 10am. It’s a good job Dani managed to
Scott has gone to the local store, just as he always does on his days off. Only this isn’t a normal day off. All his bags are packed and waiting by the door, ready for his departure in two hours. I’m supposed to go to the airport to see him off, but the moment my eyes opened this morning, I knew I couldn’t go through with it. I won’t be able to watch him and Katie head off together without bursting into tears and giving the game away. I take a notepad and pen from my bag, and begin writing as quickly as I can. I don’t have long until he returns. ‘Dear Scott, I’m sorry that I didn’t get to go to the airport with you, but if I don’t make visiting hours at 9:00am, I won’t see mum. She needs me right now, more than you need me, after what happened. I know you’ll understand, under the circumstances. Have an amazing trip and please don’t forget about me, will you? I’ll miss you more than I could ever explain. I meant what I said – I want a post card from every destination - don’t
Scott abandons the car without consideration for others outside of Mum’s and Dad’s house and we quickly jump out. The air is thick with smoke and fear as the neighbours with grey faces huddle amongst themselves. There’s firefighters everywhere; running and shouting. I stand in front of the house and struggle to breathe as the flames crackle and roar, as they burst from three windows and the smoke billows into the night. “Where are they?” “They’re still in there,” Steve says, his eyes heavy with tears. “I tried to go in, but the hallway was filled with smoke and….” Without even thinking, I race towards the house, but Scott wraps his arms around me and pulls me back. “LET ME GO!” I scream. “Let the professionals do their jobs, Emma,” he pleads as his arms wrap tighter around me. I watch horrified as the firefighters wearing breathing apparatus make their way into the house. There’s orders being shouted and soon the house is being doused with foam and water. I feel a sudden r