Chapter 1: Wanderer

“Time of death 12:00 pm” the doctor said as he approaches the woman in her mid-forties that I think was the mother of the patient. I see how the mother of a patient looks at the doctor with disbelief as she burst into tears.

It pains me to see her cry and scream to her disbelief that she lost whoever inside the operation room. I go near to the woman that holding her chest and almost got weak.

When I try to hold and help her, my hand just penetrated.

It pains me to see her in that kind of situation because even though I didn’t know her, I understand how it feels.

Because I also saw that kind of pain in the eyes of my loved ones when they hear from the doctor that I’m gone. When I didn’t do my best to fight and stay for them. When I leave them.

I think one of the reasons why I’m still wandering around is because of that guilt, the guilt that I leave them without even saying a proper goodbye.

It’s been 5 years since that day happens when I open my eyes thinking I survived it because I can walk, but the moment I try to hold someone my hand just penetrate to them like water, and I just like a breeze of wind to them. The last thing I remember is the day I rushed to the hospital but the reason why that happened seems to be vague in my memory to the point that no matter how hard I try I can't remember how I died.

It’s been 5 years but I’m still wandering everywhere and this hospital is my favorite spot, finding the answers to my sudden death, I didn’t remember me having a terminal disease. Did I got hit by a car? Struck by thunder? Have a nightmare and died in my sleep?

That’s the thing I tried to recall every time I go in this very spot, always waiting for the light that always doesn’t want to get me.

When I watch the woman the doctor hugging her to make her calm, I remember the day I saw my loved ones listen to the doctor that will bring pain to them.

“No, that is not true! Let me in, I’m a doctor! I became a doctor so I can take care of her! I will be the one to save her!” Charlie said desperately, the doctor grabbed her shoulders, making him calm and preventing him from entering the operation room.

“I did everything I can Charlie!” the doctor said, the doctor is Charlie’s fellow because he once introduces him to me every time I visit Charlie’s hospital

“ I call you here so you can save and fix her! I beg you, how you can call yourself a doctor?!” he shouted to the doctor, his voice is like a roar of thunder echoing in the corridor, my parents can’t make Charlie stop because even them are so weak.

“I am a doctor Charlie, but I’m not God!” the doctor said and I see how bloodshot his eyes become when he saw how desperate Charlie is.

I was surprised to approach him because he didn’t seem to feel my presence approaching him.

“I’m here, love” I whisper as I hold his face, but I was surprised when I saw my hand just penetrated like water.

I watch him close his eyes as if he felt I was in front of him trying to hold him, the tears continue to flow from his eyes. I looked at him hoping to meet my eyes to make him realize that I’m just by his side.

But I felt like I am just like a breeze of December wind to him, he never met my gaze. I just look at how hurt he is by what’s happening.

“Kali…” he whispers, and tears like a wave on the ocean came from my eyes when I see how drown he is to the pain.

I really am gone? The Kali that walking and looking at her loved one became a spirit... They will never know that I’m just beside them saying that they should not cry…

Someone hug Charlie so he penetrated my body, it’s my friend Mazekeen, also crying which still manages to comfort Charlie.

I also saw my Best friend Eloise in a hurry and I thought she would see me because her eyes seemed to be looking at me, but like Mazekeen she just penetrated to me as well.

When he saw my family crying, he was stunned and sat down, he pulled her hair as if he couldn't believe what was happening.

“It can’t be! Just a while ago I’m still talking to her!” she uttered as if she’s talking to herself

My tears don’t stop from falling, as I watch my surrounding outside the operation room I see how my loved ones are crying in disbelief to hear that I really am gone.

I can’t bear to see them like that, I can’t bear to see them hurt because of me.

When I saw the dazzling light coming from the corridor away from the operation room, I followed it because it was probably the signal that I needed to leave.

I don’t know but as long as I want to go, there’ something that stopping me and without a doubt, I know it’s my loved ones' pain. But I don’t want to hold on with that for the rest of my life, I know the day will come that they will move on...

Before I finally entered the dazzling light that will welcome me to the fate that waits for me I looked back at the people one last time who have been a part of my life and how my life has become meaningful because of them.

“I love you all..” I whisper as I see them but I know they can’t hear or see me before I continue to walk away from them.

When I tried to walk on that light, it suddenly disappeared and I just came out of the emergency room and saw people passing by and just penetrating my body…

I was still in the hospital and not in the place I expected, I don’t know why because I am so sure about leaving everything behind but I guess, God let me stay for a while so I can still watch my family until the pain disappear and I can go.

Or deep inside I really don’t want to go because of my unfinished business…

It’s really making me happy when 5 years passed and I saw how my parents, friends, Charlie moved on and continue to live their life to their fullest without me by their side.

As I look at the woman crying, which happens every day when I visit here outside the emergency room, were also the same spot where the people I love also hear the news about me from the doctor. I saw the spirit of the patient and she also cries seeing her mother cries and hurt by the idea that her daughter is gone.

I approached the girl with her hospital gown and hold her shoulder. My hand didn’t penetrate because she’s also a spirit like me.

“She can’t hear you, but you can say whatever you want to say and I know she will feel it” I said giving my empathy to her.

She had said goodbye to her mother and even though she could no longer be heard she kept saying how much she loved her mother.

I saw the dazzling light again in the corridor leading away from the Emergency room and the woman followed it. I look at the girl and see how she smile when she saw it.

“Daddy” she uttered and see how happy she is, I followed her to try to join again and enter that light.

But as has always been the case over the past five years, I was just walking out of the emergency room and the people who had become spirits disappeared beside me and go to the other side. 

I bent down and noticed the pair of legs standing in front of me, and when I raised my head I saw a man darkly staring at me. Felt like that the light that I saw a while ago lead me to him.

He is probably in his mid-thirties and the expression on his face is just blank but brutal at the same time because he looks like a warrior prince who has been sent to a war to fight for his kingdom.

His pair of brown hazel eyes stared darkly at me as if he could see me because he’s just standing in front of me. He could continue to walk and ignore me like what everyone did who penetrated me, but instead, he stops in front of me like I need to stay away in front of her because that’s the way he will take.

When I didn’t move and don’t remove my gaze on his expressive brown hazel eyes, he passed by my side to avoid me.

He can see me? Did he think that I’m a human?

I was surprised by his gesture so I turned to him again and saw that he was holding a cane that helped him to walk.

“Is he a limp?” I said wondering, and I was surprised again because it looks like he really heard that because he wasn't too far away and he turned to me.

I covered my lips because I really felt like he heard me.

I approached him and stared at him, he was staring darkly at my side, and when I was about to speak to talk to him. A slender woman held his arm.

“I am here babe” said the woman and she pulled the man away

I lost hope that’s in my system when I realized that maybe he was just looking for his girlfriend. But before the man could finally leave with the woman he looked where I am again which made my heart beat faster.

I don’t know and I don’t want to give myself hope that I know is possible but kind of rare but I think that man can see me... There’s something in his gaze that makes me warm, that gives comfort to me.