3

The harsh brightness from my laptop screen slowly comes into my vision when my eyes start to open. Shit. I must have fallen asleep watching Grey’s, again. Every single time. Shit. It’s 3 when I last looked at the clock, before sleep consumed me. What time is it? I can’t be late on my first day of junior year.

2 more years, I remind myself. Two more year and your dream will begin.

I lean across my bed to grab my phone soaking up the final minutes of warmth before I have to breach the outside world.

I take a quick glance at my clock.

5:00AM, why am I up so early. 2 hours of sleep is not enough. It’s getting worse again.

Class starts in 5 hours. 4 more hours of sleep, for me. Leaving an hour to get ready, grab my coffee and stroll to my first class. Shit. My phone. Who is ringing me at 5 in the morning?

That’s when I see his name.

My big brother Damien.

Why is he ringing at this early in the morning? What could he possibly want?

That’s when I remember it’s Monday. The weekly call. The check in. Like clockwork. Every Monday. He rings to “check in”.

A promise he made when I went off the college. To call every Monday, no matter what and check in.

It’s too early for this.

But if I don’t pick up. He’ll ring Cole and then in the next half hour. Cole will be banging on my door making sure I’m okay. I get it, they want to keep my safe and protected.

But I’m 20 now.

Can’t they just give a rest. It’s been 5 years. I’ve changed. I mean who wouldn’t. But they both know how much it impacted me. Hell, they went through it with me.

Especially this time of year. It was September when the accident happened. It’s late August now so. He always makes sure to check in more often around now, anyway.

With that, I glance down at my phone, to see 4 missed calls from him already.

Okay. Okay.

I answer so faintly and croakily “Hey Dam, what’s up?”

“He sweets, how you going? Ready for your first day?” He responses with the amount of energy 10 cups of coffee would produce.

“Yeah I am, now if you don’t mind. I have another 3 and half hours of sleep I would like to get back too. Thank you for calling. But Dam I’m fine really.” I manage to shyly respond.

“Em, I know when you add ‘really’ to the end that sentence, you aren’t fine. Don’t fool me. 5 years. I’ve gotten pretty good at reading you. Now what’s really going on, sweetheart?” He hastily states.

Even after all these years, he still calls me that. I don’t hate it. I mean I am 20 and my 27 year old brother is calling me sweetheart. But I can’t tell him to stop.

Dad called me it. Every day. So Dam doing it, keeps a faint memory of dad alive in me.

I think that’s why he still calls me it to this day.

Since I haven’t responded yet, Damien adds “I know this time of year is hard for you and us. So do you need anything, Em? Cole is there. But I need to know from you that you are ok.”

Am I ok? I think so.

It does bug me that after 5 years, I still end up a sobbing mess around this time of year.

But I’m getting better.

Last year I made It out of bed on that day for the first time since the accident.

“Dam look it’s hard, we all know that. I’m ok. I will be upset but that’s ok too. I won’t go back there. I can’t. It hurts to remember that day, it happened so fast. One day they were here and you were cooking dinner. Cole was playing Tate. And then 8 days later, mum and dad were gone. But it’s my junior year and nursing school isn’t going to wait forever. I have to do this. I’ll be okay. As you say Cole is here. And you still call every Monday. How’s Tate?” I finally respond to my brother with clarity evident in my tone but also wishing to push the conversation elsewhere.

He just cares. He just looking out for me. Making sure I don’t slip up.

The pain is there. It always will be. But at some point, the smiles will win.

“Tate is good. She’s eating breakfast. Do you want to say hi I can switch to face-time for you. Hang on let me call Cole and we chat as a family.” He answers.

My family. I love the 3 of them. We are 4 puzzle pieces. Without one, the image is incomplete.

Dam always knows what I need. He reads me so well. He blames himself for the fact that he didn’t see me suffering for the first 2 years after the accident so he makes a point to check in.

I appreciate it.

And with that, Cole’s bed hair greets me through my phone. He looks hungover. Did he seriously get drunk the day before classes start again. God, my brother. I love him, but he really is the life of the party type.

Honestly, I think he hides behind that. I know my brother. He’s still my best friend, after all. He struggled after mum and dad, but he pushed his grief down to take care of Tate and me. He sacrificed himself to care for me. He still does.

“Cole really are h-u-n-g-o-v-e-r right now?” I whisper into the phone.

“Emmy I’m not dumb I can spell. I’m 9 now. Seriously you three think I’m still 4 or something. I don’t play with that piano or Mr. Cuddles anymore you know.” Tate cheekily states with a smirk.

My heart squeezes. At the mention of the piano. And well Mr. Cuddles was a soft light blue teddy bear we all shared growing up. Dam got in the hospital when he was born. Then Cole had it. Before when I was 5 and Cole gave it to me. Then after the accident I passed it onto Tate.

They were inseparable. She took that bear everywhere. The grocery store. The cinema. Airport. Zoo. I swear that bear needed its own passport after all the trips it went on.

“No pumpkin, I don’t think you’re dumb. Your brother is.” I smile back at her.

She is the light in this family.

She was so little and doesn’t remember. She would dance and sing for us all the time.

She’s the cutest little firecracker, honestly at times I look up to her.

Her kindness and sparkle.

She reminds me of Mum.

“Ok, enough you three. Just checking in. Look I have to run to work and drop Tate to school. Just wanted to see how everyone is going. Good luck you two with classes today. And Cole brush your teeth and shower before you decide to grace the world with your presence, please.” Damien says to wrap up after we’ve spent a little while chatting and catching up since it had been over a month since we had all been together.

Cole and I left home earlier than normal over summer break. As we went with our group of friends to Cape Cod. Staying at Miles’ family house there. It was a blast. But like all good fun, it must come to an end.

“Yeah, yeah I will. Bye Tate love you. Dam yeah I guess you too, loser” Cole responds.

“Hey Dam, Cole said a bad word?” Tate states, damn she never misses anything, does she.

“Yeah Cole you said a bad word” I join in and joke.

Ok it’s now 6:30AM and I’m wide awake so I can’t go back to sleep. I guess I could go for a run. Who am I kidding I have been for a run in 5 years.

It’s ok, sometimes you just grow out of things. I try reason with myself.

But I know full well I stopped running after. I remind myself.

I was a good runner, on the track team even.

But one day, I just quit.

Once Dam hangs up, removing Tate and his face from the screen. It’s just Cole and me.

“Hey Emmy, how are you? Sleep okay?” Coles turns asking me.

“Yep, I slept alright until Dam woke me up by calling at 5AM.” I respond.

“Jeez, he woke you up then. Doesn’t he know you could sleep all day.”

“Yeah I know, anyway, you have any classes tod-” I start to ask but I’m cut off with the presence of my best friend Josie of 11 years but who’s counting as she storms into my room.

Yelling a flippant hello and goodbye to Cole.

Grabbing my arm and pulling me out of the warmth, I knew I had to leave it soon but I wasn’t ready.

“Um good morning to you too, Jose. What are doing? Did you wake Sutton and Addy up like this too?” I ask being courted out of my room.

I turn back to Cole watching the confused look on his face. Yeah same bro, I have no idea what she is doing either.

“Um yeah look Cole I’m just going to hang up now and deal with this crazy person.” I tell him.

He nods. And just like that he is no longer lighting up my screen.

“Okay Josie, you’re freaking me out now.”

I stumble into the kitchen, to see that yes Josie had indeed woken both Sutton and Addison up as well. As they look half dead sitting out the kitchen island. Josie pushes me down in the seat next to Addy.

“Morning” I say turning to the girls.

“Do you think she’s going crazy?” Sutton whispers.

“Yeah Jos, what are you doing?” Addy asks.

Josie is on the other side of the island now, shoving 3 cups of coffee toward us in our personalised mugs.

A for Addison. J for Josephine. S for Sutton. And E for me, Emerson.

“Ok girls. Now you are up and awake. We need to talk.” Josie basically preaches to us.

I look at the girls, wondering what in the world Josie thought it was necessary to drag us all out of bed for.

“I slept with him, again.” She so much as whispers.

“Josie, hun. Seriously, we went through this. You need to stop. You’re only going to break your heart more. He doesn’t want anything more than sex. Stop going back to him.” Addison preaches back.

Sutton and I nod in agreeance.

The him, Addison is referring too is Lucas. Josie’s on and off again boyfriend for the past 2 years.

She thinks he is all she deserves after what happened to her.

But little does she know, she is beautiful and deserves the world.

I mean look at her, my best friend is hot.

If I swung the other way, I would definitely make her mine.

The 4 of us. Sutton, Addy, Josie and I all met at freshman orientation and the rest is history.

They are my girls. My sisters. I have Tate but she’s 11 years younger than me. And her and my problems just don’t match up.

Josie and I were best friends since middle school. When I sat next to her in class and she complimented my baby blue butterfly necklace around my neck. To which I responded and complimented her baby pink star clip in her hair.

Sutton and Addy, just fit with us. After freshman year and staying in the dorms across the hall from each other. We got this apartment.

All expenses paid by Sutton’s dad. I mean you couldn’t really complain. It was much better than any 2 bedroom, Josie and I were looking at.

Anyway, back to Josie and Lucas. Who wasn’t a bad person per say. But he treated Josie poorly, when he was good he was good but then he’d just ghost her and leave her hanging.

And she was my best friend who deserved the very best.

She was with me through it all, the bad days and the good ones. The Grey’s reruns in my bed, when I just couldn’t bring myself to leave. Even though she would much prefer to watch Friends or The Bold Type.

She loved me like she loved the stars. I loved her like I loved butterflies.

“Jos, leave him. Ghost him. Find someone new. Who will make you happy and bring out that beautiful smile of yours. Be with someone who makes your heart skip a beat. Who is there for you, no matter what. I mean Lucas didn’t even bother attending Pride with you this year.” I tell her sternly, she knows I mean it.

Josie has 2 dad’s. She loves them. I love them. They were always there for me when I needed someone other than Dam for advice. We always attended Pride it was a tradition now.

“You know what you’re right. Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve me. You know what girls. We are going out. To the back-to-campus bash at the end of the week on Friday. Em mark you g****e calendar. I need this.” She swears.

I know she needs this. So I nod, turning to encourage Sutton and Addy to nod as well.

“Ok, you guys have fun eating breakfast, I’ve got to run to my 8AM. And Jos, we are all here for you, but honestly fuck him as you said, well not literally I mean.” Sutton says whilst transferring her probably now cold coffee into a to-go cup also with our initials written on them. What can I say, I like having my own stuff. So does Addy.

When the door slams. I get up, and head back upstairs to the bathroom.

My morning routine. Brush my teeth. Brush my hair. Skincare. Curl my hair. Light Makeup. Glasses off. Contacts in.

Walking back to my room. I hear Josie shouting “you broke me first” by Tate McRae, clearly she needs to belt those lyrics out. I leave her be. Continuing back down the hall to my room.

I pick up my phone. 7:30AM now. I open Spotify hit shuffle on my coffeehouse playlist for some lofi morning tunes and sit down at my desk.

Being Monday and all. I check my emails. Update my daily to-do list on notion. Check my g****e calendar. Set my intentions for the week. Add the bash to my calendar as Josie asked. And finish planning the week out.

When I’m finally done, I crawl back over to my bed. Picking up my iPad and begin reading my latest obsession. Romance novels.

I mean my love life, is none existent. May as well live through the characters in the books.

After a couple hours of reading. I get up throw on a simple matching brown sweat set. Grab my bag, hitting the kitchen up for a plain muffin and apple for breakfast. Setting off, for my first day.

I hit up the local Coffeehouse ‘Glazes Coffee Co’. Out of the 17 coffee shops on campus this one was hands down my favourite. Tucked behind the Psychology building. It’s perfect, playing the same music I have coursing through my AirPods with the best atmosphere for studying and catching up and don’t get my started on their ham and cheese croissant it’s heaven in a box, literally. I would marry it, if I could.

I jump in the cue, waiting to order. I finally get up to the front counter and I’m greeted by Miles, my other best friend from high school (the other half of Josie and I) who just so happens to work at Glazes. He looks up noticing it’s me.

“Hey Emmy, 10AM today I assume. The usual?” He simply asks.

“Yep a 10AM and the norm, thank you.” I respond.

He looks down, typing in my usual.

An iced dirty chai with 1 pump vanilla and cold form. The perfect blend in my opinion.

I move on and sit down at a table nearby to wait for my coffee, aimlessly scrolling through my phone.

“Order for Emerson” another guy behind the counter yells out.

I stand up without looking away from the phone. Walking my way over to the coffee counter. But then I’m hit by a solid structure. I glance up noticing a tall, very handsome man hang on, he looks familiar. Where do I know him from? He arms reach out to steady me, I softly say sorry and thank you and scurry over to pick up my coffee, slightly flushed after that encounter.

“Order for Kingston” Miles shouts, handing the guy I just bumped into his coffee with a smile. And a what’s up bro. OMG. That’s right Kingston James. One of Cole’s roommates and best friend who also happens to live with Miles. I mean I spent the summer with him, I really should have remembered him.

I always thought he was attractive since freshman year and he was a sophomore. And different. I never got the butterflies around Cole’s other friends. Just Kingston.

But I guess he never looked my way.

I mean after all I was Cole Fitzgerald’s little sister.

It was like there was some unspoken ‘off limits’ rules for me.

There wasn’t it, As far as I knew.