2

THE YEARS BETWEEN (15-20 years old).

Every time, around that day. I get overly anxious. I can’t help it. I try implement what my psychologist taught me, but it gets hard sometimes.

Their deaths hit me hard. I mean it hit all my siblings hard. We were still kids, really. We had no idea how to live on our own, well except for Damien who had done so for the past 4 years prior to their passing. I still think about them. I try not too, but it’s hard you know.

The smiles can only go so far.

Concealer can only cover so many tear stained cheeks.

In the years, following their deaths, things only slightly improved for me. Damien was happy, he found someone. Cole left me at high school for a year, when he went to college (I followed him the year later, but still my final year sucked without him). Even Tate started school and was now 9 and the cutest, bubbliest little sister ever.

Damien quit the NHL before he even started.

Because with no family on either side.

We were left with just the four of us, when mum and dad passed.

He did the school/day-care drop off and pick up for years, he took Cole to training (he started coaching the team as well), he put his business degree to use and got a job at a firm in the city. He grew up fast, even at 22, I mean what guy at that age wants to care for his 3 younger siblings.

He did.

That was my brother for you. He was their when they days got hard. I could always talk to him, well I wish did now looking back maybe it would have been easier if I came clean earlier.

Damien made sure we celebrated every birthday, even mum and dad’s.

Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas we did it all, we continued traditions and started new ones with just the four of us. We were always close, but after mum and dad died, we grew even closer.

Without them, I’m not sure I would have made it through. With Tate and I being both girls and the youngest in the family my brothers are let’s just say protective, if not over-protective of the two of us.

No boys. No parties. No drinking. No drugs. No sex. Until 18. That was 2 years ago for me.

Well there have a few boys, none that significant, a few parties, I wasn’t drinking until 21 (at least that’s what Damien thought), I hadn’t done drugs. And sex, well been there done that and it wasn’t anything special, I mean Sam my senior year was good and all, but I didn’t you know and so yeah not the best it could be, I guess.

I couldn’t be the person I was before. It was hard to hide. I had too though. It was the only to make it through.

fake it til you make it, right.

I didn’t smile from ear to ear (sorry mum, I couldn’t when you left me so broken), I stopped going out with Josie and Miles. I quit the track team. I failed classes. I stayed in bed most of the time, blinds shut, music coursing through my AirPods leaving the world behind. But all this was behind close doors and done over time, I kept hidden the tears I cried at night, I made sure they couldn’t be heard.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want their help.

I did.

But Damien already had Tate and everything else to deal with. He didn’t need me and my problems, worries and fears burdening him.

He cares a lot, sometimes too much, I knew it would break him if ever found out.

And Cole, he was still my best friend and my support through out it all, and he hadn’t changed a single bit.

He spent his weekends and afternoons with Tate after his practice and homework were done. The system worked. We had our roles, we grew into them.

flashback (17 years old)

It was night-time, Cole and I had just put Tate down to sleep for the night, after reading the same story to her for the 6th time that night. I was back in my room, staring at the posters and photos of Jos and I on the walls, my other half, my soul sister and Miles our lovely guy best-friend who holds our drinks when we go out, dances with us so no one hits on us and basically the only reason Damien lets me go out. I missed them.

They both were there for me in everyday, after the accident.

Jos and her dad’s were round with meals every so often and Miles’ mum was who I called when I got my first period.

My two best friends, they meant the world to me. I hadn’t seen them that much, since I hadn’t fallen into one of my spirals. I mean my room was a complete mess. the chaos in my brain was reflected on my floors, truly.

The brightness of my laptop, brings my attention back to the history paper I had due in a few days up on my screen. I couldn’t think anymore about the French Revolution. So I closed my laptop, got up and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

And began the routine.

I loved routines.

Since mum and dad passed, I became obsessed - morning, night, skincare, study, you name I probably had a routine for it.

I plan a lot. Order and structure are what I thrived on.

I mean honestly G****e Calendar was my bitch.

Wash my face. Moisturise. Serums. Brush my teeth. Brush my hair. Contacts out. Glasses on. Lights off.

And I walk back down the hall, crawling into bed after a long day of school and not much sleep last night.

I mean who can deny watching McDreamy and McSteamy all night long, I certainly can’t.

I just hoped tonight would be better, no haunting memories clouding my mind.

Infiltrating my sleep.

It had only happened a handful of times, but since that day they have become progressively worse.

1 year after their accident, Damien finally took me to see someone, I wasn’t the same, he tried to help the best he could but their was only so far brotherly love and support could go.

It was in those talks with my Psychologist, Lily that I was diagnosed with a General Anxiety Disorder and Depression.

Today, I still had anxiety but the depression wasn’t constant like it used to be, except now when I hit one of my so called ‘spirals’.

I shut my eyes. Count to 10. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. This was the worst part. Falling to sleep. But I did. Most nights.

I feel hot, sweaty. I can’t move. Why can’t I move. My chest tightens. My eyes widen. My thoughts are lost and completely everywhere. I don’t know where I am. I shoot into an upright position. Clutching my hand to my chest. Trying to soften the nerves.

I had another nightmare. I’ve woken up during a panic attack.

I hear soft, yet loud thuds coming toward my door. It was then I realised that this time it was loud enough to wake both Cole and Damien.

They both clammer into my room.

My door flies open.

As I slowly raise my gaze toward them. I see the softness of both my brothers eyes and the love and gentleness their presence brings pulls me out of my panicked state slightly.

And just like that the questions come flying in, from both Cole and Damien. They cared and this was their way of showing it.

“Emmy, sweets, what happened? Another nightmare? Since when did they start up again? Don’t hide ok? Cole and I just care about you, we can’t lose you too.” Damien states solemnly.

He looks up at me before continuing on, slowly walking toward the bed as if not to trigger me whilst I’m in such a high alert state.”What did we talk about not telling me when things get hard. No matter how busy you think my day is, you can come to me, you aren’t a burden Em. I worry and I would rather know and help you then let you suffer in silence, okay?” Damien whispers.

His arms guiding my back into real life.

Cole sits down on the edge of the bed, reaching for my other hand, the one Damien isn’t grasping onto.

I try speak. But I can’t.

Cole is my support.

After my first 4 therapy sessions, I asked him to come with me, I was scared.

Lily agreed and thought it would be good to have someone come and learn the strategies so they could coach me if things got hard and I had a panic attack.

He did come and since then, when I had a panic attack he was one phone call away and no matter what he ALWAYS came.

During practice, last week, his Apple Watch went off (he bought it for this reason only) I rang him and he came and found me locked in the end stall of the girls bathroom.

He was always there. Holding my hand.

Especially at the funeral. We had 1, it was small. A few of their friends come, distant aunts and uncles come. Josie and Miles and their parents. Cole’s best friend, Dean came too. But that was it. The final goodbye. It cemented that we lost them. They were gone for good.

The feeling of Cole squeezing my hand brings me back into the present.

“This, was the first one in awhile, I promise. With school and college applications. I just always thought Mum would be here to help me through it all…” I cough out through the tears.

“Hey, I know it’s hard. It probably always will be. But Em, you have so much love and kindness to give the world. And mum would be so proud with what you want to do. Save lives. I’m proud, I know Cole is too.” Damiens shares, as I look up at Cole to see him already nodding agreeing with every word Damien is spilling out softly to me.

“Tate looks up to you, you are the best big sister to her, you have become exactly what mum was to you. I’m sorry they aren’t here, it’s tough. I know. But you are the strongest person I have ever known. I love you so much. You’re my little sister and if something ever happened to you. We wouldn’t be okay, alright? What do you need to get through tonight? Do you want Cole or I to stay with you?” He kindly asks, voicing all the tiny thoughts I have, answering every question of doubt.

He always knows what to say. And both my brothers, don’t make it awkward. They share affection. They cry. They let you know their feelings. That’s how they were raised. And I thank my luck stars (mum and dad I’m looking at you) every day for them.

“Umm yeah, Cole could you stay. Please. You don’t if you-” I try to get out, but Cole cuts me off.

The look on his face, is like really Em, you don’t even need to ask.

I love my brothers.

Damien and Cole Fitzgerald are the two of the most stand-up men in my life they really do take after our father.

So Cole spends the night with me. I feel better knowing he is there.

As Damien leaves the room he turns back to tell me “Em, remember I love you and you can always come to me for support. I need you and your smiles just as much as you need me and my hugs, okay.”

“Yeah, I know. I love you too you know” I tell him as he enters the doorway to my room.

“I know, get some rest now, if you need tomorrow off, I will call in but just try sleep ok beautiful.” He whispers leaving to go check on Tate to ensure she didn’t wake up during my frantic, alarming panic.

“I love you too Em. I know I’m not at high school anymore with you and it’s tough. But you can still call me and I will come, okay. Remember that. I will always be there. I know what to do. Now sleep, and let me hold you.” Cole whispers into the breath of my hair. Wrapping his strong, warm arms around my small ones. As I close my eyes and pray this time it’ll be different. It is and the tightness is slowly easing. I drift back off into the sounds of sleep.

end of flashback

I’m 20 now. In my junior year. Trying to pursuit my dream. Combating my demons.