Exams approached fast. I tried to study as much as possible, but Derek was a constant distraction – and one I hungered for. He stopped by every day, and I could never say no. He didn’t try to kiss me, he didn’t try to do anything… but just being with him was enough to make me lightheaded. I waited for that knock every day like a starving prisoner waits for his daily rations… and it was like a seven-course meal with a bottle of champagne when I heard it and opened the door to his gorgeous smile.Finally, though, it all came crashing down.He stopped by one evening later than usual, after 8 o’clock. “Good news – I got the next three nights off from work.”I groaned. I knew he’d done it for me – I was leaving for home after finals – but the fear of God (and of a C in my classes) had finally crept into me. I had a three-hour exam in English the next morning, with half devoted to multiple choice, and half to an essay on an unknown topic.“I can’t do anything tonight… I have to study for my
My eyes snapped open, and panic and guilt blasted through me. What the FUCK are you doing, Kaitlyn?!I pushed Derek off me with a jolt of adrenaline so powerful it took us both by surprise. He toppled backwards onto his ass, a look of shock on his face. I scrambled upright and snatched up a bunch of crinkled notes, then stared at them with an intensity people usually reserve for notices of foreclosure and bad medical reports.Except I don’t think most people in that situation have faces red as a tomato and hot as a coal.The door swung open and Shanna entered, groaning as she dumped her backpack on the floor. “OH MY GOD, my paper’s finally done and emailed and I want a drink so BAD – ”She stopped in her tracks, her mouth open, as she actually looked into the room for the first time. What she saw was Derek on my bed, sprawled out on his ass and propping himself up with his hands, and me completely ignoring him as I stared intently at a fistful of paper. Oh, and my face probably looke
As soon as Derek left, the fun really started.“OH MY GOD what were you up to?!” Shanna squealed.“Nothing,” I insisted. My blushing, which had started to die down, returned with a vengeance.“OH MY GOD you were totally gonna bone him, weren’t you?!”“NO!” I shouted, sick to my stomach.But what I did was bad enough.“Dude is packing some serious heat,” Shanna said, and turned her head back to the hallway as though she could see around the corner and down the hallway if she tried hard enough.“Shanna – ”“I mean, I’ve seen bigger, but not attached to a bod like that – ”“Shanna – ”“I mean, not outside of pornos, anyway – ”“SHANNA, would you please stop talking about his thing?” I hissed.“I’m not talking about his thing, I’m talking about his cock,” she said, relishing my discomfort.“Then just stop talking, okay?”She belly-flopped on her bed and then grinned at me like we were at a sleepover. “What’d you do with him?” she asked as she doubled her pillow under her chin to prop up h
I sat there at our table in the lounge, listening to Shanna order some specialty off-menu cocktail, and thought about everything that had happened between us in that dorm room four years ago.Once she was finished, I told the waiter, “Just a glass of merlot, please.”“Jeez, you’re a cheap date,” Shanna said as the waiter walked off.“I don’t have as much money as you.”“I told you, I’m buyin’ first round. You shoulda got champagne to celebrate. Maybe not Cristal, but…”“Mm.”Life had gone well for Shanna over the last four years. Her parents hadn’t let her go back to UGA, so she’d gone to community college, just like she’d predicted. And then she’d flunked out of there, too. Too much partying, too much living life like it was her last day on earth.However, her other… skills had led to more interesting prospects. She slept with an up-and-coming (pun intended) fashion photographer and ended up in a relationship with him. Because she didn’t have anything else going on, he took her on as
A couple hours after Shanna and I made up, the company that rented us our tiny dorm refrigerator came by and picked it up. There were two guys, and they went from room to room wheeling out the fridges on hand trucks as people packed up to go home.Then, an hour after that, Derek stopped by with Ryan in tow.“Oh my God!” Shanna squealed, and pushed a lock of her hair back flirtatiously. “It’s so good to see you!”“Good to see you, too,” Ryan said nervously, then looked at me. “Hi, Kaitlyn.”“Hey, Ryan.” I turned to Derek. “What are you two doing here?”“Well… I knew you were leaving after your exam, and I knew that was this morning, so… how’d it go, by the way?”“I think I did pretty well, actually. I think.”“Good.” He smiled, and his eyes twinkled. “So all that studying last night paid off.”Shanna snorted.I blushed.Ryan looked around, confused. “What’s… what’s the joke?”“No joke,” I said quickly. “There’s no joke. Soooo… did you come by to – ”“When are you leaving?” Derek interr
Two more rounds later, we stepped tipsily out of the Forum. Shanna immediately began scanning for taxis. One came down the street and she hailed it.“You comin’ with me?” she asked.“No, I’m going to take the subway back.”“I can give you a ride – ”“Naah, it’s just a couple blocks that way.”The taxi drove up to the curb in front of her.“So, are you going to go do it?” Shanna called out as she opened the rear door.“…yeah,” I said grudgingly.She threw her arms up in the air in a giant ‘V’.“YES! Shanna Williams for the win!” she yelled to all of New York City, then turned back to me. “Let me know how it goes!”“Yeah, yeah,” I grinned, and started off down the street.She started to get in, then stopped and hollered, “Hey – wait – I know you didn’t sleep with him, but you never told me what happened after I left that day!”I turned around and yelled, “Read the fuckin’ article!”“You bitch!” she laughed, then got in the taxi and sped away.I called Rolling Stone the next morning. The
Derek walked me back to my room. Neither of us said much on the way up the stairs. I was seriously nervous; he was Mr. Calm, Cool, and Unruffled.“You need help packing?” he asked.“Um… I guess…”I unlocked the door and we stepped inside. Shanna’s half of the room was stripped bare – metal-frame bed, old mattress, empty wooden desk. I felt lonelier just looking at it.“Can I ask you a favor?” Derek asked.“Um… depends on what the favor is…”“Can you not leave today, and just stay one more night?” he asked, staring into my eyes.“I… I told my parents I’d be back today…”“I’m probably never going to see you again once you leave. Could you please, please just stick around one more night and give me some more time with you?”One more night.The phrase made me weak in the knees.Maybe from how many times I’d heard it in love songs.“…please,” he whispered.All the little voices in my head were screaming, No! Don’t! Bad idea!But the feelings in my body were saying something else entirely.
I sat across from him as he cut the foil off the wine bottle with one of those combination knives/corkscrews.“How’d you get all this stuff up here?” I asked.“Ryan. He snuck the picnic basket up here when he disappeared.”“Ahhhh.” I looked around at the plates and silverware and glasses. It was pretty damn nice for a picnic basket. I probably would have gone with plastic plates and cutlery. “Did you buy this?”“No, it’s Ryan’s parents’. He kind of borrowed it for me.”“Kind of?”“Ahh, they never use it.”Derek pulled out the cork, then poured us each a glass. He clinked his against mine.“To you… and to your brilliant future as a world-famous journalist.”“And to your brilliant future as a world-famous rock star.”“I’ll drink to that,” he said, and we both took a sip.I had only tasted wine at a wedding before, and I was expecting not to like it – but I did. It was a lot sweeter and mellower than the sour stuff at my cousin’s reception, and a hundred times better than the crappy beer
We took little breaks, drank water and wine, talked and whispered, touched and caressed… but we most definitely did it again.Three more times, by my count.It was after four AM when we finally dropped off into a deep slumber, our bodies intertwined.I woke up sometime after ten AM. I looked around me in wonder, hardly believing what had happened – or how lucky I was. Two gorgeous men on either side of me, the golden sunlight kissing their naked bodies, their cocks looking delectable as they slumbered.Neither of the boys was awake yet, so I carefully extracted myself, went into the bathroom and freshened up. Then I came back and reinserted myself back into the mix.Both guys opened their eyes sleepily as I slid between them.“Holy shit… did we do what I think we did?” Derek murmured.“Several times,” I giggled.“Wow,” Ryan muttered. Then he looked at me. “Did you… was it everything you hoped it would be?”I kissed him. “Without a doubt, last night was the best night of my entire life
Derek kissed me, his cock pressed hard against my belly – and then he pushed me back onto the bed. He stood above me, his erection jutting hard and stiff into the air, as he placed the condom on the head of his cock and slowly rolled it downwards.Ryan was looking left out and forlorn, so I gestured to him. He sank down on the bed and began to kiss me, his left hand playing with my breast.“Um…” Derek said.“I want to be able to kiss and touch both of you,” I said. “Not just one at a time.”Derek sighed. “Alright, fine. Just remember the rules, dude.”“Don’t worry about me,” Ryan said darkly.Derek lowered himself between my legs and began to lick his way up the inside of my thighs. I sighed and moaned as Ryan kissed me – and then he pulled away and stared into my eyes.At just that moment, Derek reached my pussy and slowly began to lick up my lips to my clit.One man going down on me, another staring into my eyes and caressing my face – it was one of the most erotic things I’d ever e
Ryan was the first to move. He cupped my face in his hands and leaned over and kissed me, slowly… sensually.As I closed my eyes and gave myself over to the kiss, another pair of hands slowly touched my waist. Derek.He brushed aside my hair, and I felt his warm lips on the back of my neck.I shivered, and a jumble of emotions surged through me all at once: fear. Excitement. Desire. Shame. Love. Longing. Uncertainty.Were we really going to do this?Was this really going to happen?As Ryan continued to kiss me, one of Derek’s hands tugged at my blouse, pulled it up out of my skirt, and brushed across my bare skin.Holy SHIT, this really WAS going to happen.I parted lips with Ryan, then felt a gentle tug at my hair. I turned my head slowly, as though in a trance – and Derek’s lips were there to meet mine.With Ryan’s taste still in my mouth, now I had Derek’s, as well – the slightly darker, smokier taste of his lips, his tongue.It felt wrong.But it was sooooo hot.Ryan began to nuz
A couple of times there was some angry shouting from the bedroom, but most of the talk was in hushed whispers. Under ordinary circumstances I might have been interested in eavesdropping, but I was so drained, I really couldn’t work up the enthusiasm. Besides, I knew what they were talking about: me.And they talked for a looooong time.After about ten minutes, I gave in and opened the wine. Like the classy lady I am, I swigged it right out of the bottle.Twenty minutes later I was finished with the wine and had a nice buzz going – probably due to my exhaustion as much as the alcohol – when they finally walked out.The stood in front of me, and this time it was me who waited anxiously.“Well?” I finally asked.“…okay,” Derek said.My eyes almost bugged out of my head.“What?!”“I said okay.”“I know what you said, but – ” I turned to Ryan. “You’re okay with this?”He looked unhappy. “I wouldn’t call it ‘okay,’ but… I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you.”“Same goes for me,” Derek agreed.
They stood there staring at me mutely for what seemed like ages.Derek spoke first.“…what?”“I want both of you. I need both of you in my life.”“We’ve both been in your life the last few weeks, and I think we’ve seen how that worked out,” Ryan said darkly.“Which means you two are going to have to work it out and learn to live with each other – if you want to stay with me.” I turned to Derek. “I know you can’t be faithful. Not forever, anyway – ”“I can and I will,” he protested. “You just have to give me a chance.”“I already gave you a chance,” I said. “You even said back in Vegas that you would have cheated no matter what.”“That was the old me!”I shook my head. “I can’t – I won’t – be with somebody who would lie to me, who would rip away everything we built together like that,” I said, snapping my fingers.“I wouldn’t do that,” Derek protested.I just looked at him for a moment like, Really? REALLY. He sighed in pain. “You won’t ever trust me again, will you?”I hesitated for
“Jessie’s Girl” finally ended and they launched into one of the new songs, “Gold And Diamonds.” Derek didn’t alter anything in that one, but the shenanigans weren’t over yet. Not by a long shot.As soon as it was over, he announced to the crowd, “I’m thinkin’ another cover… what about ‘My Best Friend’s Girl’?”The Cars’ 1978 hit.He was sticking to a theme.Again, Killian looked panicked.Again, Ryan nodded his consent… but he looked like he might pop out a switchblade or a Saturday Night Special any second.Derek sang the song.I felt sick.Derek was trying to tear Ryan apart, all on account of me. Just because he was doing it by fucking with his head didn’t make it any less painful or brutal.Next up was a Bigger song – “Girl, Please Stay.” Which kind of stuck to the theme.The crowd sang along.Another spontaneous cover followed: Blink 182’s “Dammit.”Ryan agreed again when Killian looked at him, even though it was evident what Derek was doing. It was hard to miss when he changed t
After the interaction with Miles – one more strand of loss in my personal Gordian Knot – I lost my taste for any further drinking and went back upstairs.Ryan was already in bed. As soon as I came in, he rolled over. “Hey.”“Hey,” I said as I sat down on the edge.We stayed in uncomfortable silence for awhile.“I still want to be with you,” I said quietly.A long pause.“…but…” he said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.“I don’t know. I’m… I’m…”I started to cry. Not out of any attempt to get out of the discussion, but because I was so tired. And so worn down. And so unhappy about hurting so many people – including myself.Ryan is nothing if not a softie. He lay there for a few seconds listening to me, then stretched out his hand. “Come here.”I sniffled and crawled across the covers until I was nestled against his bare chest.“I want to be with you,” I whispered.“Are you absolutely sure that’s what you want?”I nodded ‘yes,’ because I wasn’t entirely sure I could convince him with
I hastily wiped my tears off my cheek, then the taste of Derek off my lips.“Just a minute – ”There was the sound of a beep, and the click of the lock.The door opened before I could get it, and there stood Ryan.He looked furious.I cringed, imagining him about to say all the horrible things about myself I knew I deserved to hear – “Did he hurt you?” he asked, striding into the room and enveloping me in his arms.Oh my God…I was feeling so guilty about my desires, and all he could think of was if I was alright.“No,” I sobbed.“Tell me the truth – did he hurt you?” He held me out at arm’s length, his face a mask of fury. “I’ll kill him – so help me God, I’ll fucking – ”Our eyes met, and suddenly he knew.All the anger drained away and was replaced by hurt. But when he spoke, his voice was dead. “…you kissed him.”I exhaled shakily. “He kissed me.”His arms went slack and he let go of me. Just stood there, looking at me. Then he walked past me like he was in a trance, sat on the e
Austin City Limits was only a week away.Bigger almost didn’t go. In fact, they wouldn’t have gone except for Riley.“You fuckin’ pussies can bail, but I’m not, and fuck ALL y’all if you try to say it’s cuz of me,” she said angrily as she sat up in her hospital bed.It was a band meeting with Derek, Killian, and Ryan in her hospital room on Sunday night. Miles was there, too, as was I. Megan had wanted to stay, but Riley forced her to catch a redeye back to New York so she could return to her med school classes Monday morning.“Riley, your health is the most important thing here,” Ryan said.“I’m fine.”“You’re not fine. You almost died.”“Well I’m not dead NOW, am I? So we’re playin’ the fuckin’ concert!”“Riley, you’re in no condition to play,” Derek said.“Fuck you – I’ve done gigs where I was beat up, bleeding, almost dead and I still played.”“Not with Bigger, you didn’t,” Miles growled.“No, not with fuckin’ Bigger, cause you’re all a bunch of pussies!”“As manager – ”“As manag