Five: ALLEN

I was on my way back to the hospital when Kyle called me saying Raina already ran away, and that she's said things like he's going to kill her. I got worried that she might attempt to suicide again. She needs help, I saw it in her. Those familiar sad eyes desperately seeking for someone to save her. It's the same as my brother.

That was five years ago when he took his own life. I was there. Watching him do it. And until now, it tortures me. If only I didn't ignore his constant feeling of sadness and despair, maybe he'd still be here.

I knew he needed someone. Somebody he could talk to. About his pain. I knew that it could be me, but I'm too afraid to ask. Afraid that I can't be of any help, so I stayed silent and just watch him lose interest in everything. I've seen it all.

Until one day, students were all panicky as they gathered in the school yard, looking up to the guy who is standing on the edge of the rooftop. I was in my class room that time and when I heard about it, he was never the person that comes to mind. I thought he wouldn't do that.

But then I saw him, from a live video on social media. It was him on that roof. I was certain, yet I couldn't believe it, so I ran as fast as I can up there while my eyes were prickling with tears. And as I open the door, he looked in my direction then his eyes rolled skyward. His eyes were dull with sadness, I felt its heaviness. My heart clenched and I cried hysterically but words are strangled in my throat that I can't even say please stop or don't do it. I just watched him, as he let himself fall, allowing him to end his life.

I pushed him, that's what I always tell myself. Even though I'm hundred feet far from him, I felt as if I pushed him. After his funeral, I came to his classroom to pick up his stuffs. There, I saw a note crafted on his desk, saying: All I ask is for one person to notice.

And beside that note — that was a bit more heavily pressed — says: Look after my brother.

I broke down and cry.

I wanted to say I saw you. I noticed you. You we're suffering, you can't sleep at night and often lose appetite. I can't even remember the last time you laughed.

But it's all too late now, you're already gone.

What I saw in him, I saw in Raina's. Maybe I don't know her yet, but I'm sure she doesn't want to die. She's desperate to live.

She's gripping on my phone as if I'm going to take it from her. "Are you scared of me?" I asked, though it's obvious, but I just wanted to help her relax by talking to her. She didn't answer.

"I'm not gonna hurt you. If you think someone is going to kill you, I'm not that person, okay? And so is my friend Kyle. If he said something that scares you, I'm sorry. He has his reasons and if you'll give him a chance, you'll understand him." I maintain a calm and reassuring demeanor to help her feel safe and secure, and I can see in her face that it's working. She's more decompress now.

She stayed quiet the whole time until we finally arrived. We stop in front of an old apartment building in the middle of a transitional neighborhood where the old houses from their forties or fifties slowly being torn down. She's looking up to her apartment, as though she's hesitating to go up there.

"Do you live alone? Or you have your Mom and Dad waiting for you?" she didn't answer again. I understand, because that was such a dubious question.

"Your friend," she finally say. She gulped out of nervousness and I waited for her to finish what she's trying to say. "How did he know about me fifteen years ago?" she asked. I was a bit surprised, I didn't know Kyle already told her.

"What? Did he say he knows you?"

She think again then replied, "He asked me if I know him from fifteen years ago."

"Oh, that!" I rubbed my forehead and took a deep breath, "This might sound really weird and it might scare you a little bit but," I paused "Kyle believed you're connected to him."

She doesn't react, so I continue, "He has amnesia, Raina. He doesn't remember anything from his accident fifteen years ago."

"What does that have anything to do with me?" she asked, but I figured it will be too difficult to explain to her that she appeared on Kyle's detachments. I will just sound insane.

"I can't tell you now but if you'll give us a chance to explain it to you—"

"Why can't you explain it now?" she goes a bit furious.

"Relax. It's a long story, we can't talk about it at one sitting."

She exhaled and turned her face away for a moment, deeply absorbed in thought. I wonder what she's thinking. Then she gave me back my phone and open the door.

"Wait—" I pulled out a piece or paper and hurriedly wrote my number. "If there's anything you need, call me." I raise my hand while holding the paper, waiting for her to take it. And gladly, she did.

Then I asked, "You're not gonna hurt yourself again, right?"

"Does it matter?" she replied. I frowned.

"Don't worry. The world wont allow it. I'll just wait for my turn." she said, then left.

I understand what she meant.

I just hope she'll somehow recognize that her pain have been seen, and she's not alone anymore.

4:56PM

I came back at Hue's place where we always stay. It's his family's beach house and It's my favorite place to be. In front of it is the sea with waves like a roller of gem-blue that travels through the white sand and at the sides of the house is the numerous coconut trees. But apart from being a breathaking and tranquil paradise is the innumerable memories that I cannot trade for anything in this world. The memories with my two best friends. That's all I could treasure.

After my brother died, the pain of regret made me become neurotic about my relationship with others. I become antsy, like a cat on hot bricks especially when it comes to them— Hue and Kyle. I don't want to feel the same type of guilt all over again. That's why I studied Psychology. I want to be aware of what other people think. What's on their mind. What are they capable of and if they want to take their own life, I want to be able to save them.

Though, I'm not as fine as they think I am. Guilt sometimes threathened to overwhelm me. Until now, I'm having nightmares and voices in my head repeatedly saying 'You pushed him'. Sometimes, I envy Kyle for not remembering the worst memory he had.