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CHAPTER 153
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A vow of hate CHAPTER 154
“What about the pain? It hits me and renders me numb—why can’t you get that to stop?” He spoke slowly. “You’ve been checked and tested, Christian. Several times. Some pain is normal, but what you describe…” His voice trailed off. “There isn’t a cause that can be found, and I agree with the doctor’s assessment. It could be a phantom pain—something locked in your psyche only you can break.” I pounded my hands on the armrests. “Enough of the mental bullshit mumbo jumbo. It’s not in my fucking head. I feel it. I live it. If you’re not up to the challenge, I’ll find someone who is. Do your job. Fix me.” He picked up his bag, not reacting to my anger. “I am doing my job, Christian. You’re the one who isn’t giving one hundred percent. I think you need to talk to someone—someone who can help you work out this anger.” I glared at him. I was getting tired of people’s advice. The carefully chosen words that included professional and mind over matter. All bullshit. “I
A vow of hate CHAPTER 155
HAZELI pulled up in front of Grandpa and Sarah’s house and turned off the engine. I glanced in the rearview mirror, not surprised to see Valerie asleep. After getting her a treat of her favorite donut, and a cup of coffee for me, I had driven aimlessly for almost an hour, trying to collect my thoughts and calm down.Christian’s words ran through my head on an endless repeat. His actions frightened me. His impatience with our children. His cutting remarks. The way he sneered my name. I wasn’t lying when I said it was as if the old Christian had been resurrected in front of my eyes. The tone of his voice had been icy and uncaring—the same way he used to speak to me before he changed.Or had he changed? Was he right, and I had refused to see?I rested my head against my hands that clutched the steering wheel. No. Christian was hurting. Scared. He fell back on his old habits and lashed out. However, I wouldn’t allow him to take out his temper on our child. I could handle it, but not her.
A vow of hate CHAPTER 156
CHRISTIANI wheeled through the house, the quiet around me unsettling. Hazel had cleaned up the kitchen, the spilled milk gone, all evidence of my family being there, gone. It felt empty—much like my heart did at the moment. The Keurig machine was low enough I could reach it, a mug already in place for me. I knew without looking, when I opened the fridge, the cream would be in reach. Food I liked would be at eye level, easily accessible. She made every effort to ensure I had what I needed. She tried so hard to give me what she thought was necessary. I thought of the angry words I had thrown at her. The way I had snapped at Valerie. My impatience with my helpless toddler who needed to be fed. I had failed them all yet again. They were better off without me. If I couldn’t be the Christian I used to be, they would all be better off without me. I rolled myself back down the hall, not interested in food or coffee, and stared out the window at the backyard. The water of the pool glimm
A vow of hate CHAPTER 157
After Grandpa had left, I rolled around the house aimlessly, unsure what to do with myself now that I had finally gotten what I asked for. Silence. I used the elevator I hated and went upstairs, sitting in the doorway of the nursery, staring at the empty crib. Across the hall, Valerie’s room was an explosion of pink and white. Stuffed animals were piled high on her canopy bed. She loved it when I would stretch out on the mattress, and she would lie on my chest as I read to her. An ache began in my heart, and I had to move away from the doorway. The door to our room stood open and I wheeled in, immediately hit with Hazel’s soft floral scent. It was everywhere. Soaked into the very essence of the room. I stared at the bed. The adjustments she made so I could sleep there beside her at night. The lift board I loathed that helped get me onto the mattress. The special equipment in the bathroom. Everything she had done to help me. All of which emasculated me to the point I couldn’t even to
A vow of hate CHAPTER 158
Footsteps headed in the direction of the den. They were far too heavy to be her footfalls, and I withheld my groan. Obviously, Grandpa was back. I steeled myself for his expression when he walked in and saw the destruction around me. It wasn’t his face that appeared in the doorway, though. “Mia?” I asked, shocked to see her. She strolled in, glancing around. “In the flesh.” She stopped, looking concerned. “What the hell are you doing on the floor? Are you hurt?” I ignored her question and gave her a onceover. She had on one of those knee high Valentino boots– that explained the heavy footsteps. “Help me up.” She pulled the wheelchair beside me and, with a grunt, hoisted me in. She wasn’t gentle, but I held my tongue. I was grateful to be off the floor. She stared at me until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke the silence. “What the hell are you doing here?” I narrowed my eyes. “Did Hazel call you?” She pushed a pile of debris off the chair and sat do
A vow of hate CHAPTER 159
I spent a restless night, finally dozing off at dawn. I woke up to sounds of things being moved and Maddox’s booming voice downstairs directing whatever was happening below me. I pulled myself up, glancing at the empty spot beside me. It felt like I had never slept in this room alone until last night. I didn’t like waking up without Hazel. The sheets were cold and empty, echoing the feeling in my chest. I ran my hand over her pillow and held it to my face, inhaling deeply. I could smell her fragrance deep in the fibers, which increased my longing for her. I reached for my phone and stared at it, my fingers hovering over the screen. I had no idea what to say to Hazel. I knew I needed to apologize and to tell her what was going on, but after the way I spoke to her yesterday and the look of devastation on her face, I knew it wasn’t enough. My words and actions had cut deep—not just yesterday, but since I woke up in the hospital. I had put up walls and shut down on her, effectively
A vow of hate CHAPTER 160
Leaning back against the headboard, I groaned. My body ached. Muscles I didn’t know I had ached. Maddox was relentless. I pushed on my thigh, amazed at the twinge I felt as I pressed. I hadn’t said anything to Maddox, worried it was a different sort of sensation, but for the first time since waking up in the hospital, I felt a small glimmer of hope. It gave me the courage to reach out to my wife. The pain I feared happened with every new routine, but it faded as we went along. I never knew when it would hit, but Maddox watched me closely, making notes. I had no idea what he was keeping track of, yet I knew when he was ready, he would tell me. I dialed Hazel’s number, tension radiating through my body. It had been three days of silence from her. I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone three days without speaking to my wife. I needed to hear her voice. “Hello,” she answered, her voice quiet and cool. “Ah, hi. It’s me. Christian,” I sputtered, sounding like an idiot.
A vow of hate CHAPTER 161
All my days became the same. Strengthening, stretching, weights. I worked until sweat poured down my back and exhaustion set in. I was grateful to be dumped in the pool, the cool liquid surrounding me. I was weightless suspended in the water and, for that brief period, almost felt normal.“Randy will be here in an hour. I’ve booked you a massage after that.” Maddox informed me. “Do I really need one?” He nodded. “I’ve been working you hard. You need some deep tissue work and frankly, Christian, I’d rather not do it.”I chuckled. “Me too, MadDog. You already have your hands on me enough.” He snickered, and for a few moments, I floated blissfully. “Holy fuck, it’s working.” Mia said. “Told you.” Maddox answered with a smug expression on his face. I looked between them. “What are you talking about?” “Look down. Your feet are moving.” I ducked my head and peered into the water. It was more of a twitch, but my feet did move. “Holy fuck,” I repeate
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A vow of hate EPILOGUE
CHRISTIAN & HAZEL I chuckled as the doctor squirted the gel on Hazel’s tummy, making her squirm. Hazel always reacted to the cold. I kissed her and watched as the wand moved back and forth, and the image became clearer. “There’s your baby.” The doctor, Suzanne smiled, clicking and measuring. I held my breath as she turned on the sound, and I heard the heartbeat. The odd noise filled the room, the fast, steady sound like music to my ears. “You’re sure you want to know the sex?” “Yes!” Hazel and I exclaimed. “It’s a girl,” Suzanne announced. I laughed. “I’m surrounded. My own little harem.” Hazel’s eyes were focused on the screen. She tilted her head, looking confused. “It all looks good…” Suzanne’s voice trailed off. I frowned at the subtle change in the noise. It was faster, like an echo of itself, the strumming continuous. “Well, look who’s been hiding,” Suzanne mused and glanced over at us. She grinned and winked at me. “You did good, Christian.” She peered at the screen in
A vow of hate CHAPTER 169
HAZELI crawled into bed with Christian, snuggled into his side, and rested my head on his chest. He groaned as he shifted.“Are you all right?” I asked, worried that I had hurt him.He nodded. “Colin warned me that getting the sensation back in my legs was going to hurt. He’s fucking right.”Between rushing after Valerie, walking for everyone, moving around the house with his walker, and sitting on Valerie’s bed as he read to her for over an hour, I knew he was exhausted. But when I asked if he was ready to sleep, he said he wasn’t. I felt the same way too. Mentally, I was still wide awake. “Do you want some pain killers?”“No. As weird as it sounds, I want to feel it. I never thought I would get to this point, so aches and all, I’m going to go with it.”I laughed softly. “You’re right, Christian. You are weird.”He dragged her up his chest,causing a little gasp of surprise to escape me.“You wanna help me forget about the aches, Hazel?” he murmured in my ear, biting my lobe. “Make m
A vow of hate CHAPTER 168
The room around me buzzed with activity. Voices, people moving, talking to me, trying to get my attention. I held my breath, scared that if I even so much as breathed, I would miss something important.My focus was on one thing. The doctor examining Valerie. I had insisted, and finally Hazel relented, seeing how upset I was about her. My wife glanced up, smiling as she lifted Valerie to her shoulder. She tilted her chin, letting me know everything was okay. A fact that she was certain of, but I needed to be sure. She handed Valerie over to me and escorted the doctor out and I relaxed, pressing a kiss to my daughter’s head. She looked up, wrinkling her nose.“Hi, Daddy.” “Hey, baby girl.” She patted my hand. “Boo-boo better,” she cooed. “Good.” “Yeah, Daddy feels better.” I brushed a curl off her face. “How did you know?” She pushed on my cheek with her tiny finger. “You Daddy again. You smile.” I dropped my head, pressing kisses all over her sweet little fa
A vow of hate CHAPTER 167
I had never tried to comfort a person still caught between being a young man and a grown-ass adult. I had never reached out and been the role model.It was another lesson I was learning.Dennis was emotional. Filled with apologies. Begging for forgiveness. Once I broke through his stuttering words and barely held-back sobs, I set him straight.“What happened was not your fault. You didn’t put me in this wheelchair, Dennis. None of it is your doing. You need to stop blaming yourself.”“I can’t.”“You can. Get some help. I’ll ask Randy to take you on. He is an amazing person to help you sort things out and get your head straight.” I barked out a laugh. “If he can handle my shit, he can help you.”“But he’s here.”“Yes,” I agreed. “Which is where you need to be. You have a life waiting here for you, Dennis. A job you’re good at. Friends. Family.” I huffed out a breath. “Don’t let that day define you. Move past it.”“The guilt,” he said quietly. “It holds me hostage. That I’m walking arou
A vow of hate CHAPTER 166
I grabbed her hips, guiding her. Pushing her up and pulling her back down. She sobbed my name, her back arching as her release washed through her. I watched as she lost herself in the moment. I had forgotten how beautiful she was in her release. The way her entire frame shuddered. How she bit her lip and lowered her chin as if sinking into the feeling. The breathiness of my name falling from her lips. And how it felt when her muscles fluttered, tightened around me, taking all I had—giving me so much more.My body strained, the urge to thrust and grind against her eclipsing everything else. An orgasm hit me, obliterating everything in its path. I saw stars, the ecstasy was so great. I opened my mouth in a soundless scream, and somewhere, deep inside, I felt a flex, the pinching of muscles not used for so long now gripping, then vanishing as fast as they had engaged. A long, agonized sound escaped as my entire being surrendered. The pain, the pleasure, the sweet torture of it all.Hazel
A vow of hate CHAPTER 165
CHRISTIANThe taste and feel of my wife chased away the last lingering remnants of my dream. Hazel wasn’t walking away. She was right here, with me, in my arms.Right where she should be.I kissed her deeply, seeking out her tongue with mine, stroking hard and deep. Reclaiming her mouth. Reclaiming her. I yanked her tight to my chest, pulling off the towel she had draped around her body. I pushed down the blanket that covered me, needing to feel her. I dragged her over my lap, groaning at the feel of her weight pressing down on me. Still kissing her, I slid my hands over her silken thighs, parting them and settling her so she straddled me.She pulled back, gasping. “Is this okay?”“Fucking yes, it’s okay.” I pressed my mouth to her neck, licking up the damp, elegant column of her throat. “It’s fucking perfect.” I murmured. “You’re so perfect for me, Haze. And I’m such an idiot. Everything that has happened, it only made you stronger, but not me… I got weak.”She grabbed my face, holdi
A vow of hate CHAPTER 164
Valerie’s feet kicked in excitement as we turned down the street. I smiled at her in the rearview mirror.“Daddy waiting!” she crowed.I felt both excitement and trepidation as I pulled into the driveway. I wanted to come home so much, yet I was afraid of what was going to happen when we were alone. Would Christian continue moving forward, or would our presence once again cause him to slide backward? Once he got over the initial pleasure of seeing his child, would he again find her, and me, more of a bother? I wasn’t sure I could take it if that happened. I couldn’t watch the man I love disappear into the shell he used to be. But a small voice in my head kept telling me he wouldn’t. The gifts, the notes, the calls, and texts from him were all sent by the man I loved. He had made sure I knew how sorry he was feeling and how hard he was working to come back to us. He even opened up and expressed his worries, finally letting me know the depth of his fears. Finally letting me understand w
A vow of hate CHAPTER 163
HAZELChristian lifted his face from my neck, his eyes red, his cheeks damp. I had never witnessed him break down that way. The rare occasions when he cried, he still held himself in check, his pride unable to allow even me to fully see his pain. I grabbed the tissues Maddox had dropped beside us and wiped Christian’s face, cupping his cheeks. “Hey,” I whispered, looking up at him from where I crouched between his legs. “I guess I lost the last piece of my man card with that display,” he mumbled.“I doubt it. Maddox was openly weeping before you even finished walking, and Mia had to leave the room.” He frowned in confusion. “Why?” “They’re as proud of you as I am, Christian.” “Where are they?” “Maddox made sure you were back in your chair, and they left. I heard the car driving away, so I assumed they left to give us some privacy.” He looked down, surprised. “I have no recollection of being moved.” I softened my voice. “You were pretty emotional.”
A vow of hate CHAPTER 162
Hazel loved the spa. She sent pictures of them all enjoying the treatments, sipping champagne, even funny ones of Valerie getting a baby massage and having her toes done with the girls, holding up a glass of apple juice. They made me smile, even as my heart ached. I sent flowers to the hotel for Hazel. I added a box of her preferred chocolates. When she went back to mom and Grandpa’s, I sent a chef to make her favorite meal. A basket of bath products to indulge her love of soaking in the tub. I sent it with a stuffed bear, fluffy and cute with a card attached, reading: "Snuggle this until you’re home. I’ll take his place when you’re ready. All my love—Your Christian". One night, lying in our bed alone, I turned on some music. I shut my eyes and listened as the soothing voice of Neil Diamond played in the darkness. A song came on, and for some reason, the lyrics hit me as they never had before. “The Story of My Life” spoke of the depth of his love for the woman in his life
