Chapter 3

Malèna Magdala **

It is a pain that is barely bearable that that which arises from regret. She establishes a distance between herself and her life, which nothing will be able to bridge, because what is done is done, and what has not been done can no longer be.

Being alone really makes you realize that all you have is yourself.

The real sadness of loneliness is that, far from being alone with you, you endure the worst company, the internalized presence of others, the law of the clan.

On this beautiful sunny Sunday my mother set the breakfast table in the garden but unfortunately where luckily I find myself alone with her

Mom: Isn't it nice today?!

Me: um.

Mom: you should go out in the garden more often to get some air

Me: ...

Mom: if you feel alone I can ask your cousin to come and keep you company, you got along so well as a little one

Me: do as you see fit.

She didn't answer me, she's happy to drink her cup of tea

Me: I want to take a walk in the store

Mom: what for?!

Me: buy new clothes because since then I wear the same thing

Mom: I would go for you

Me: I want to choose my clothes on my own!

Mom: did you take your medicine Malèna?! Was she changing the subject to fall asleep on the conversation

Me: mom I have to take them if I'm not feeling well

Mom: but I can feel you ...

Me: mom is enough! I still know how I feel, stop wanting to control me mom, I can't take it anymore!

Mom: I'm doing this for you!

Me: for me?! If you want to help me give me peace it will do me a great service! I say before I leave the table

As usual I locked myself in the room with the music blaring in my ears, I think and rethought will I ever feel happy?! I will give my place if asked. I am no longer sick but I still feel sick, will I sink into a depression without seeing the end of the tunnel! I do not want that!

And then shit! I say with a whim. I'm twenty-two years old! My mom has nothing more to say to me, she can't control my life so I go out! I got up with a determined step, I looked in my closet for what I could put that could hide my illness.

About twenty minutes later I was downstairs. My parents were sitting in the living room one on top of the other watching a movie

Dad: Where are you going?! Raising his head

Me: shopping

Mom: Malèna, we have already discussed it

I didn't try to understand I went straight out of the house and took the car keys from my father who was on the table.

Nothing stopped me not even my mother's screams, my father didn't say anything, I could just see my mother chasing me but it was already too late I was in the car, I drove off in a fury before 'she can't catch up with me in her car.

I was stressed out in the car, it’s my first outing after two years. I don’t even know how to behave with strangers anymore. I took a moment to get out of the car when I was in the mall parking lot, my stomach was feeling stressed. I managed to get out of my house this isn't where I'm going to panic.

When I got out of the car I passed my old neighbor Perles, who has now moved with her children and her husband, I don't think she recognized me, the last time we saw each other was -two years ago, I looked after her children, Kemi, Kenny and the twins when she and her husband were not there, even the children did not recognize me and I did not want to call them I quietly continued my way. After an hour spent in the stores I could not find my pleasure, I could feel the eyes of people on me, they must surely be talking about me.

I walked past two men and could hear them talking about me and laughing, "Look how skinny she is, is she sick or what?! »« Why is she dressed like an old woman?! "

I felt so bad, I quickly left in the car, and started to cry, maybe my mom is right that I am not ready to go out. I drove home, when I got home my parents were in the living room surely hearing me, I went straight to my room and I locked myself, I lay down on my bed and I stayed like that until the next day.

I was woken up by someone knocking on my bedroom door. I got up to open the door, my cousin Ines was in front of me.

Me: ah it's you. I said going back to my bed

Inès: Aunt Marie told me that you are alone. She said coming back to my room

Me: is it a crime?!

She didn't answer me she's just happy to sit on the sofa in front of my bed and browse on her phone, after thirty minutes I ended up breaking the silence.

Me: am I scary?!

Inès: what?!

Me: when you see me I scare or am I a subject of mockery when you see me!?

Inès: well no why are you saying that?!

Me: because yesterday some people laughed at me

Inès: orh Malé! Diminutive of Malèna and only she calls me that. You dwell on what passersby say about you

Me: stop calling me Male! But how do you want me not to do it they see what I cannot see!

Inès: Malèna you know very well that you have never been like this, now that you are no longer ill you want to come back to Malé before or even better

Me: but I feel so oppressed Inès so much, I have the impression that I will stay like this all my life, everything that I eat I vomit it, I cannot stand to see a mirror because I know that I will see me on it, I can't even stand my own reflection, and with mom it's very complicated ...

Inès: I think it's better that you go to Grandma's ...

Me: at grandmother’s?!

Ines: yes. just for a while, take it upon yourself and talk to another person

Inès is right, it's better that I go to my grandmother, maybe I would feel better at her place who knows. Inès stayed part of the day with me then she had to go home.

I'm so bored, I tried calling Ronny but he wasn't answering, it's been a long time since I've seen him, since yesterday. I put a scarf on my head as usual because my hair has not grown quite well, I went downstairs and took my mother's car keys because my father's was not there, it must be out.

I was walking through the streets of our neighborhood to look for my brother, I don't know what it takes for me to do that, in the meantime I ran into one of his friends who told me where Ronny was actually I was starting to panic a little because it's getting late and hanging out in the streets like it's not for me, even if I'm in the car you never know.

I decided to go to the address where Ronny's friend gave me my request to drop off a few steps from the address I did not refuse, arriving in front of it was a bar but a bit like a house, finally the buildings or the bar are downstairs and the manager lives upstairs.

On entering the bar there were only highs and the room was completely scrambled with smoke from their cigarettes when people noticed my presence all looked at me like a new species among them, they stare at me as if I was dead -living. Dead silence reigned in the room now, I couldn't even get a word out I was frozen.

...: what are you looking for?! He said in a very deep voice

Me: my. my .. brother .. His voice had completely paralyzed me

..: thank you Ronny you can go. Did I suddenly hear behind me

Ronny: thank you Peter

I immediately turned around

Ronny: What are you doing here ?!

Me: I was looking for you .. I say very softly

..: Ronny is that your sister ?! Said the man who spoke to me a few minutes earlier

Ronny: yes, sorry Paul I don't know what she's doing here

...: It's okay, take your little sister and come home but it's not good for a teenage girl to go for a walk when night falls

Ronny: thank you Peter

Twenty-two-year-old, I'm ashamed! So ashamed! Ronny and I went outside

Ronny: but how did you find it here ?!

Me: it was a friend of yours who showed me

Ronny: never come back here Malèna his men are dangerous they could have hurt you, they are all mentally ill, even I limit coming here because I don't like their surroundings

Me: why are you here then ?!

Ronny: he had to give me my pay, otherwise I wouldn't have come, I just drop it off and collect it

Me: okay ...

Ronny: Malèna never do that again, this is no place for a woman here it can happen anything and you can give up your life

Me: say that for you Ronny

Ronny: I plan to quit, I am waiting to have a good sum and start my business

Me: he is my brother

We each got into our cars and drove home.

When we arrived at the house, which I suspected, my mother was at the front door of the house waiting for us or at least waiting for me on foot.

Mom: Malèna! Where are you ?! What's not working with you ?! How can you get out like this ?! Do you think you are fit to get out ?! And did you see the time ?!

Me: it's nine o'clock

Mom: It's not good for a girl to go out so late! Are you missing a box? !! You don't love yourself! Just imagine if you felt weak or whatever ?!

She was screaming in my ears so much I couldn't take it anymore! I can not stand her anymore ! I’m leaving this house!