Ch. 4 A Fateful Night

Finnick’s POV

Despite the agony it caused, I often let my mind wander back to that night. The night that changed everything, ruined all my carefully made plans to claim my mate. I had been living at the Crimson Moon pack a full year when it happened. It was the place I’d run to all those years ago when I realized I couldn’t stay in RedWoods, near my sixteen-year-old mate. 

I wanted to continue the warrior training I’d started at Crimson Moon so I asked the Alpha to let me join. When he discovered I was a natural fighter, he encouraged me to enter some of the local competitions. When I won all of those, I started applying for national contests and won those too, leading my new Alpha to take notice. When his Beta retired without an heir, he’d invited me to compete for the role and I did, easily knocking out the competition.

I missed Sarah everyday, so all the training and focus I invested in competing and my job as Beta was a good distraction for me. And the frequent travel required allowed me to meet so many new people and make lifelong friends. I even met a couple other wolves who’d scented their mates before they were of age and learned that although rare, it wasn’t unheard of among our kind, especially in those with extremely dominant wolves such as mine. Overall, the move to Crimson Moon had been good for me. Until it wasn’t. 

As usual, after winning a match, some of the other warriors insisted on taking me out to celebrate at the local bar. It was our ritual. I’d let them buy me a few drinks, then I’d sneak away while they were busy chatting up the local she-wolves. Only on this particular night, I hadn’t snuck away.

“Let’s go back to the hotel now. Alone!” Callum had pushed me to leave as more and more she-wolves crowded around, hanging on all the warriors present. 

“Just one more drink. Then we’ll go.” I’d countered, hating the thought of returning to a lonely bed. One where my mate wasn’t waiting for me. 

“You said that three drinks ago.” My wolf argued, wanting to get away from the red-head who wasn’t our mate, making herself much too comfortable in our personal space.

“Well, I really mean it this time.” Only I hadn’t meant it at all.  

Looking back, I still couldn’t say why it happened. Maybe it was the pain of being separated from my mate for so long that finally pushed me over the edge, leading me to drown myself in alcohol. Maybe I’d been lonely and hadn’t wanted to go back to my room sober just to spend the night thinking about her again, instead hoping the alcohol would lead to a night of peace from the haunting reminders. 

I couldn’t remember much about that night so I could only guess at what my motivation may have been. But whatever my mindset was at the time, I knew with certainty that I’d never intended on the outcome. Because when I woke up the next morning with a skull-crushing pain in my head and a naked woman in my bed, it didn’t take long to realize that I’d destroyed any chance I may have had with Sarah. And that knowledge destroyed me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I growled at the bleary-eyed woman next to me, jumping out of bed and dressing at the speed of light.

“I have to say, that’s not the response I was hoping for after the things we did together last night.” She laughed at my reaction. 

But I wasn’t laughing. Because her words had stolen what little hope I’d held onto that nothing serious had happened between us. It had been a fleeting thought that maybe we’d been too drunk and passed out before actually having sex, but her response crushed that dream. 

“Fuck!” I snarled again, but more at myself than the woman who had no idea what our indiscretion meant for me. “I’m sorry, but this was a mistake. You have to go now!”

“You know what, fuck you!” She screamed, gathering her clothes and slamming the hotel room door behind her. 

With her gone, the quiet of the room was stifling. It left me too much space to think about what I’d done. It was fairly common for male wolves to fuck around before finding their mates. And most of the time, their mates would forgive them, even if they had saved themselves for the mate bond. If that had been the case, I might have been able to forgive myself. But I already had a mate, and whether she knew it or not, I’d just cheated on her. I could never forgive myself for that and I certainly couldn’t expect her to.

“Let’s go to mate now and explain what happened. She’ll forgive us!” Callum had begged at the time.  But I knew she wouldn’t.

“She won’t, Cal!” I argued with him. “If we tell her now, she’ll hate us. She’ll hate us for not telling her a year ago when we first realized she was ours. She’ll hate us for leaving and for allowing this to happen. The plan was to wait another year until she turned eighteen and tell her then, explain why we had to leave but that we waited for her. Now that plan is fucked!”

“Then we just won’t tell her. It was one mistake. She doesn’t have to know. Just make sure it doesn’t happen again!” I groaned at his words, knowing he would struggle to understand. He was an animal who wanted his mate. He saw things in black and white but it wasn’t that simple for our human sides.

“She’s our mate, Callum! We can’t lie to her. She deserves better than that!” I tried to explain. “Besides, the truth has a way of coming out and it would devastate her even more to find out we’d kept it from her.” 

Though he hadn’t accepted that we would never have our mate, he stopped trying to convince me to lie to her. He couldn’t argue the fact that our mate deserved better and he would never choose any path that led to pain for her. Once he understood that was all we could offer her now, he became far less vocal about it, but things were never the same between us. He blamed me for keeping him from her and he had every right to.

I’d snuck away quietly that morning, leaving the other warriors behind in the hotel. I hadn’t wanted to face them, or give them the chance to ask questions, in case they’d seen me leave with the girl. I’d recognized her as one of the omega’s from the bar we’d been to the night before but still had no recollection of how we’d ended up leaving together. Either way, I was sure she hadn’t expected anything more than sex, knowing I’d be returning to my pack the next day anyway. 

From that point on, my personal life had spiraled out of control. I conducted my duties as the Crimson Moon Beta without fault. But on my own time, I couldn’t bear my own company. So I drank and I fucked. I’d decided why not? I’d never have the one woman meant for me so meaningless one night stands were the most I had to look forward to.

I’d always known I was bisexual so male or female didn’t matter. I wasn’t selective. They just had to be willing. And they had to understand it would never lead anywhere. I was desperate to fill the emptiness left by the mate I’d never have. But at the same time, no one would ever replace her. I wouldn’t allow it. None of them would ever be Sarah so none of them would ever be good enough.

As if to prove my point, my mind drifted back to last night. Just the thought of returning to the place I’d last seen Sarah was eating me alive. I’d tried going to bed at a decent hour since I’d be leaving for RedWoods early the next morning. But as usual, sleep evaded me. 

After tossing and turning for what felt like hours, I finally gave up, Not really giving a fuck what I looked like, I pulled on a pair of faded jeans and a wrinkled t-shirt I found on the floor next to my bed. Then, running my hands through my hair a few times and grabbing the keys to my jeep, I headed out to the local bar.

I’d had every intention of coming home alone, hoping to avoid kicking someone out of my bed at the crack of dawn and the certain drama that would entail. But you know what they say about the road to hell and good intentions. 

I’m pretty sure hell was exactly where I was when my alarm went off at five am and I woke up to a banging headache and a naked woman’s limbs wrapped around me like octopus tentacles. I had no idea where to start to peel her off of me. Instead, I focused on feeling for my phone to shut off the blaring alarm.

“What the fuck, Finn?” Carly’s groggy voice croaked at me as she peeped up at me through heavy eyelids. 

To be honest, it didn’t surprise me to find her in my bed. She was one of the warriors in my pack who hadn’t found her mate yet. Not one to believe in double standards, she was more than happy to fuck around until she met him. It wasn’t the first time we’d hooked up. 

She was always a safe bet when I wanted some company since I knew she wasn’t looking for a commitment. And it didn’t hurt that her red hair and freckles reminded me of a certain someone. In fact, I was pretty sure I’d called her Sarah during sex a few times, but she never mentioned it.

“Sorry! I can’t reach it. But if you’ll get off me, I’ll be happy to turn it off.” I gave her a pointed look, ensuring she understood it wasn’t a suggestion. She grunted at me but slowly sat up, freeing my arms but still straddling my hips.

“What time is it? It’s still dark outside. Why are you getting up so early?” She asked, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and stifling a yawn.

“I’m going home to RedWoods for a few weeks. Hitting the road early this morning.” I answered, grasping her hips to lift her off of me so I could go shower.

“If you’re going to be gone for a while, maybe we should get another round in before you go.” She suggested, grinding her bare pussy against my crotch and cupping her breasts in what she obviously considered a seductive manner.

“Sorry, I can’t. I’m on a time schedule.” I answered brusquely, lifting her up and sliding out from under her.

She pouted at me but I really didn’t care. What she didn’t understand, and what I’d never tell her, was that I’d never fuck her in the light of day, and certainly not without a few drinks in my system. I’d never tried, but I wasn’t even sure I could get it up for a girl if I wasn’t lit enough to pretend she was someone else.

“Feel free to shower before you leave. And don’t forget to lock up.” I tossed over my shoulder as I walked to the bathroom. She’d already burrowed back under the blankets and I couldn’t be bothered to drag her out of them. I knew she would let herself out.

I’d showered quickly, grabbed my bags and ran out without saying another word to her. But no matter how far away I got, the guilt followed me, reminding me yet again that I’d never deserve my beautiful mate.