I didn't mean to harm them

Bastian's POV

My hands were trembling, no matter what I did, they wouldn't stop shaking. I don't want Lilith to see me this way. 

Even as she led me out of the dinning hall to my room, I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings. I should be used to my mother's cursive ways by now. 

However, getting used to it is one thing but living it and knowing somehow, she is right is another. If I had not had that argument with Ellana that night, she wouldn't have driven off with Sofia. She wouldn't have gotten into an accident that took her life.

I am a sick psycho. That's what I am. A selfish man, if I wasn't a selfish man, my daughter wouldn't have hated me. If I wasn't a selfish and cruel man, I wouldn't be yearning for my best friend's daughter.

Yes, I am demented psycho. I hear Lilith’s voice calling out to me even with the loud ringing in my ear. I thought I was going to lose consciousness. I held onto the bed post. I needed my pills. I need them to calm me down.

“Bastian, calm down. Calm down. Take a deep breath.” Those were the words I kept hearing Lilith say repeatedly. 

Yes, she is right, I need to calm down. But, it is my fault Ellana is dead. It is my fault that Sofia died. I killed them. If only I didn't check Ellana’s phone. If only I didn't check her phone. Maybe, she would be here today. Alive and whole. Our family would be complete.

And then, I wouldn't be this torn craving for Lilith. 

“It's my fault, they died. I… I ki… killed my wi…wife and daughter.” I couldn't stop those words from coming out of my mouth.

They were the truth. I am a selfish bastard. Ellana was right. The trembling of my hands increased to my feet. I just wanted to ball myself in a corner. I wanted to send Lilith out of my room. She doesn't deserve any of this madness.

“Bastian, you had no right! And I mean absolute no right at all to go through my phone.” Ellana's last words kept ringing in my ears over and over again as I struggle with myself not to give into my despair.

I am just so tired. I am so tired of fighting and wanting to act okay. I just want to rest. 

“Bastian, it is not your fault. Baby it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.” I heard Lilith sob those words into my ears as she hugged me to herself and pat my back soothingly.

Yes, I needed her. I needed her to take me out of this darkness. She is the only one that can save me. I am drowning in my own sorrows. 

“It is not your fault, baby. It is not your fault.” She places a gentle kiss on my temple. 

Slowly, I am recovering from the untoward panic attacks that always hold me spellbound when words of my late wife are mentioned. The only difference this time is, I have someone with me. I wasn't going through this alone.

I held onto her for my dear life. I wasn't about to let go. I judiciously inhaled her sweet fragrance that only belongs to her. It calms me and makes me realize, she is here. I need her and she needs me. For her sake, just for her, I will live one more day. One more day, I will live. 

This is how it has always been with us. Lilith sees me in my most vulnerable state, cradling me and hugging me through it. Even as a child, she has always been there for me. I have never looked at her romantically until she turned eighteen and made me so aware of her.

When my stupid attraction for her started, it was when she stayed all through with me, when I lost Sofia. She was my distraction from the bleak dreary life that I wanted to end.

I kept inhaling her scent, bit by bit, I was dragged back to reality. She had cushioned her small body into mine. Although I was bigger than her, it felt like she was trying to shade me from all my pains and worries.

“Lilith?” I called out hoarsely trying to garner her attention. My voice was groggy even to my own ears. Lawd! I sincerely didn't want her to ever see me like ever again.

“Bastian? Are you feeling better?” she had been crying with me. Her voice was teary. This isn't what I anticipated or planned for us. My sweet mother had to ruin my plans.

I took her into my hands, this time, I wanted to be the one to comfort her and make her feel better. So she understands that I am okay as well. She bursts into tears. I held her as she cried. Carried her and sat her on my lap. 

We were sitting on the floor. I didn't know when we left the bed and sat on the floor. I rocked her gently. She looks so frail and fragile. The thoughts that I have caused her pain breaks my heart. Each sobbing that came out of her tugged at my heart. My heart felt constricted.

“I… I d.. didn't… know… I thought you were a lot better. I… didn't… know.” Each stutter that came out of her mouth broke me. 

“Lilith, none of this is your fault.” 

“I have been making your life miserable even when you were going through hell. I am a bad person. I am so sorry Bastian.” 

Ahh… so this was the issue. Those times she called being made miserable saved me. Those were the times I struggled with myself the most. A text and a call from her would push me back to sanity. It made me feel alive when I wanted nothing more than to rest.

“Lilith, look at me.” I tilt her chin towards me. Our eyes met each other, green forest watery eyes met my blue orbs. 

“If I am to say the truth,” I stopped to pause, wanting whatever I was about to say to sink into her brain.

“I wouldn't be alive today if you didn't come back into my life.”

“What?”

“You made me feel alive, my wild one. I have been telling myself that you deserve better; however, I am willing to be a better version or any version that you seek. I can not imagine a life which you are not a part of.”

“What?” More tears fell down her eyes. I use my tongue and lick them off.

“I would rather be a source that drains all your sorrows than make you cry.”