Chapter 2 - Willow

Today is the worst day of my entire life. I have never felt so defeated before.

My brother gave his life for mine and in a few minutes I'm going to watch his lifeless body being buried. And it's all my fault.

When the fight between our pack and the rogues started all I could focus on was finding my mate; Julian. I was so driven by that one thought that I didn't even notice Nareena was running straight at me. My brother jumped in front of the knife that was heading in my direction. I'm supposed to be going into the ground today; not him.

To make matters worse, the mate that I was so worried about decided to leave me as well. He couldn't even give me a reason.

I know that he's a rogue leader, but he's still my mate. The Goddess wouldn't pair us together for no reason. I know that he's done terrible things and has hurt many, but I don't care about that.

Seeing him for the first time was a terrifying experience. He and Nareena had bound and gagged my entire family, just so that they could get my brother Kai to bring his mate, Sophia to them.

He was so...malicious, so harsh and he said the most horrible things. With a face as ruggedly handsome as his, I didn't think that such darkness lurked beneath the surface. Julian was strong, confident, and dangerous.

I didn't for one second think that he would end up being my mate. I'm still confused as to why I couldn't sniff him out. He was in front of me for hours and both my wolf and I had no inkling that the striking rogue was ours. That was until he touched my face.

His rough fingertips barely grazed my cheek and the sparks went off like bombs beneath my skin, the sensation hit every nerve in my body. There was absolutely no doubt that he was my mate. He looked so stunned when he pulled away, almost tripping over his own feet.

I don't know why he bothered to stay once the damage was done. He held me as I cried in his arms. I've never felt so secure before. For just one short moment, I felt okay.

Only for all of it to come crumbling down when I noticed him leaving.

Since then my tears haven't stopped. My eyes are burning, my heart is broken and my soul feels like it's been ripped in half. Two of the most important males have left me in a matter of a few hours.

One, I've loved for the last 19 years and the other I haven't gotten the chance to love, but his absence still makes my heart sore.

My wolf is in a misery of her own.

A soft knock on my door barely brings me out of my thoughts.

The door opens and my only surviving brother Joey pops his head into the room.

He's been crying. The whites of his eyes are completely bloodshot. Still he puts on a smile and sits on the edge of my bed.

"It's time Willow", he informs me.

A fresh batch of hot tears comes rolling out of my eyes. Joey wipes them away and helps me up.

"It's okay Willow. I'll be with you the whole time", he tries to reassure me.

"Will...will you hold my...my hand?", I stammer out the question.

Joey takes my shaking hand and clasps it firmly in his, leading me out of our home and outside.

Hundreds of our pack members are gathered around a huge bonfire. All the souls who died in today's battle will be cremated and their ashes will be spread around our territory.

Because my brother was a Beta, he will get buried in the graveyard that holds the bodies of the previous Alpha's, Beta's, and Gammas of our pack.

Joey takes me to where my mum, dad, and sister are already standing. We stay towards the back, allowing the grieving families to be upfront when the bodies of their loved ones are cremated.

I keep my head down the entire time. I can't stand to watch the devastation on everyone's faces. Their cries and painful howls are enough.

The sound of the wood crackling as body after body is dumped into the fire is one of the most torturous sounds I have ever heard. I don't even have to look, to know what is happening.

A soul is gone and its body is going with.

After what feels like hours of listening to mournful cries and the cracking of the firewood, our Alpha Zion announces that my family makes our way to the front. Joey's hand still holds mine. It's a sweaty but comforting grip, the only thing keeping me from running away.

The crowd parts, making way for my family and me to walk to the front. My legs feel weak and my tongue feels like sandpaper in my dry mouth.

Our Gamma Cameron and three other males carry out my brother on a slab of wood. His body is wrapped in a muslin cloth and the sight is too much to handle.

The guilt runs through my body and I start to shiver. All I can think of is how that should be me. How it's all my fault. If only I hadn't taken off like that, Kai wouldn't have needed to follow me and he would still be here right now.

Joey gently squeezes my hand as if sensing my distress, but this time it doesn't offer the same comfort.

The only comfort I can think of is the one my mate gave me earlier. But he's gone now.

Kai's body is slowly lowered into the ground. Once the first shovel of dirt hits his body, I bolt out of there. I can't watch it. I just can't see that. I can hear my family shouting for me to come back, but they don't understand how impossible it is for me to watch my brother getting buried, knowing that it's happening because of me.

My tears blur my vision and I end up accidentally bumping into some people as I try to get away from it all.

My wolf's yearning to be close to her mate during this time sets my own emotions ablaze.

Anger is mixed with my grief. I'm angry at my mate for leaving me. I'm angry that he's the only one who can truly comfort me. I'm angry that he's not here for me.

I start running. I wish I could run away from my thoughts but those are here to stay.

I get a small bit of relief when I'm far enough from where the burial is happening. I can no longer hear crying or screaming. It doesn't help that now all I can hear are my thoughts.

A wave of dizziness rushes through me and my knees buckle. I hit the ground hard, stone cutting into the flesh of my knees. It stings, but it's only physical pain. At least it'll be over soon. My emotional pain on the other hand, who knows when that will go away.

Dropping to my rear, I make myself comfortable on the ground and stare up into the sky.

Isn't it so unfair that the moon and the stars can shine so brightly when I feel so dull and lifeless on the inside? Isn't it so unfair that their beauty doesn't lessen despite the turmoil that's going on right now?

I hear heavy footsteps, crunching the ground behind me as someone approaches me.

"Go away", I warn them.

But the footsteps continue.

"I said go –", the rest of my sentence gets stuck in my throat when I look up to see none other than my mate standing before me.

"You're alive", he says softly.

I smother a scoff and roll my eyes in the darkness.

"I wasn't going to off myself just because a rogue rejected me. Get off your high horse", I bite out, every word fuelled with anger.

I sit up straighter and try my best to plaster on a cool expression. "Actually, get on your high horse and leave. You said you weren't coming back and I told you not to"

He pops a squat in front of me; the moonlight illuminates his solid features making him look beautiful. The hardness of his features is enticing and I hate that I find him so attractive right now. I'm still angry at him.

I watch as he scans my body, his nostrils flare as he looks at my slightly bloody knees. His hand moves towards it, but I push myself back and away from his touch.

"Willow", he says. I have to shut my eyes because the way his deep, throaty voice says my name makes me want to be closer to him. "I just had to see that you're okay"

This time I do scoff out loud. "You're the one who left remember?"

He stares at me, wearing a perplexing look. "You're just...just too...young and naïve for me. Among other things", he mumbles the last part.

The corners of my mouth turn upwards in a scowl. "Too young for you? Among other things? What the hell is that supposed to mean?", I question.

He sighs and plonks his butt on the ground next to me. "Willow we live completely different lives. Compared to what I've done and seen, you're a baby. I can't...", he trails off.

"You can't what?", I prompt him to finish his sentence. He doesn't reply, instead, he's focused on the moon.

"You know I don't care about your past right? Sophia mentioned what you guys had to do and I wouldn't hold that against you Julian"

Without warning, he hauls me onto his lap and rests his chin on top of my head. There's that feeling from before again. Not the sparks, not the mate bond being used, just being completely at ease in his embrace.

"Tell me you feel it too?", I ask when I notice the hair on his arm standing up. I hear how his heartbeat picks up when I snuggle closer to him.

"I feel it", he admits. "Willow I don't want to be the person I was for the last five years. Meeting you has given me a new perspective, but I can't just change who I was and what I'm used to just like that", he exclaims, snapping his fingers to prove a point.

"I can help you with that. I'm your mate, let me in"

"You have enough on your plate right now Willow. You should worry about yourself"

"It doesn't work like that", I say, sitting up so that I look at him. "Whether I want to or not, I am going to worry about you"

"You shouldn't. I'm not worth the trouble. I'll just bring pain and devastation to you like I always do"

"What do you mean? Is there something you're not telling me?"

He shakes his head and gently pushes me off him so that he can stand up. Once he's upright, he pulls me up too. I wince slightly when the skin on my knees stretches.

"Take me to your room", he says.

I raise my eyebrows at him and I think he realizes how brash he sounds judging by the sheepish smile he gives me. His smile is my favorite sight ever. It makes me feel all warm on the inside.

"Uh, I didn't mean for it to sound like that", he explains, scratching the back of his head. "I just want to clean your knees "

We both know that there's no need for that. By the morning the skin will be repaired and my knees will be as good as new. But if it means spending more time with him, then I'll do it.

Egged on by wolf's need to be closer, I take his large hand in mine and lead the way. My entire hand feels like there are stars underneath my skin. It's a warm pull on my skin that makes me want more of his skin on mine.

The walk to my home is quicker than I would have liked. The lights are all off, which means that my family is still out. I shiver at the thought of them burying my brother and try to focus on how at ease Julian makes me feel.

It isn't that hard to block Kai's burial out of my mind.

I let us in and lead Julian upstairs into my bedroom.

"Where's the first aid box?"

I tell him where everything is in the bathroom and seconds later he emerges carrying the small white box.

He looks at the bed and then back at me; I get the message. He wants me to sit.

With a box of antiseptic wipes in hand, he kneels between my parted legs.

It's a comprising position and it feels intensely intimate, but there's no sexual desire attached to this moment.

Of course I'm insanely attracted to Julian, but right now I'm attracted to his softness, how gentle he is as he cleans my knees, the care he takes in ensuring that I'm okay. I know that he wants our mateship as much as I want it. I just don't know what's holding him back or how I can assure him that whatever it is isn't bigger than us.

"Is my age and lack of life experience really why you don't want me?"

He looks at me sharply. "I never said I didn't want you", he says sternly, placing his hands on my thighs to lift himself.

I ignore the zap his touch sends through my body and concentrate on my mate.

"Well when you left it sure did seem like that. Why else would you leave me in my most vulnerable state?"

He balls his hands into fists and takes in a deep breath. "Being my mate makes you a target"

I frown at his words. "A target?"

I stand up; taking his hand and leading him back to the bed. When he sits down, I move onto his lap. This all feels so normal; I don't know why he would want to deny this.

His arms snake around my waist and I put my hands on top of his.

"That knife that killed your brother", he starts, watching me intently, like he's afraid to upset me. "It was meant for you Willow. Nareena overheard a conversation and found out that you're my mate"

I tense at his words. Both because he's bringing up the worst memory of my life and that he's speaking about another female, who I know he has a history with.

"She's still out there and you're not safe until I get to her before she gets to you"

"So that's the real reason you left?"

"At first it wasn't, but then I really thought about it and it's the biggest reason right now. I just had to come and see if you were alright"

"And now that I am alright, physically at least, you're going to leave again?"

He avoids my gaze and I feel my heart drop.

His presence gave me a false sense of hope and security. I don't know why he's doing this to me again.

I remove his hands from my waist and get off him. "I think I've kept you long enough", I say to him.

He slowly stands up and approaches me. "I'm sorry Willow. For what it's worth, I do want you. I just don't know how to fix this. It's better if I stay away from you"

I cross my arms over my chest and try not to cry. I chew on my lower lip, trying so hard not to let the tears fall.

"You do what you need to Julian", I try to keep my voice level, but it cracks when I say his name.

He places a soft kiss near the corner of my lip and I have to restrain myself from leaning in and taking another one. My wolf desperately tries to get me to mark him so that he's forced to stay, but I ignore her. 

"I'm sorry baby wolf", are the last words he whispers before he leaves once again.

As soon as he's gone, my tears fall and everything that I didn't feel when I was around him comes crashing down, weighing even heavier on my heart and soul than they did before.

I curl up into a fetal position on my floor, not bothering to get into bed. Everything hurts too much to think logically right now.

My heart is broken beyond repair and my wolfs despair at losing her mate for the second time is too much to handle. I close my eyes and allow an unfamiliar feeling to take me into the comforting darkness.