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Chapter 27 - Unsure Feelings
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2024-10-29 19:42:56Cailen wasn't sure how he felt.
If William and Asher were to ask him if he was okay, he wouldn't have answer. If someone were to ask him if he wanted to cry, he wouldn't know. If someone were to ask him if he wanted to scream or throw something, he'd have no clue.
He didn't feel angry. He didn't feel sad. He just didn't really feel.
He was expecting this letter to change his opinion, to change how he felt, to change something. But it didn't.
The only thing that changed was that he knew his mother had been too young to take care of him, and yes, that explains some things. But he still had questions.
He still wanted to know more.
He didn't know why he wanted to know more. He shouldn't care what she looked like or if he looked like her. He shouldn't care what her voice sounded like or what color her eyes were.
These things shouldn't matter because she wasn't part of his life and she never would be. She didn't
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"Do you want to talk about it?" Asherasked after his rambling died off, his voice turning into a whisper to match Cailen's."No.""Okay,"Asherdidn't push any further.He just held Cailenclose and left him to his thoughts but Cailenwasn't so sure that was a good thing. He could feel himself slipping, slipping into a hole he wasn't sure he'd be able to drag himself out of.And the only thing he had to hold onto was Asher.Asherand his caring eyes and warm smile, his strong arms and gentle touch and it should be enough.It should be enough to keep him from slipping into the empty pit that he felt like,because Ashermade him feel good.But it wasn't. It wasn't enough because Asherwasn't his to hold onto and he never would be.It was really frustrating because he needed Asher. He needed his stupid jokes and caring nature. He needed his friendship. He needed it now mo
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Finding a distraction wasn't hard in this group of friends he had.Between the four of them,it was never hard to come up with something to do.But now they had Noahand his ideas were usually crazy and perfect for distracting Cailen.He wasn't sure if they knew hewanted the distractions but they all seemed to be trying extra hard to get Cailenout of the house and keeping him busy. Cailentried to remain in a good mood, trying to be that happy fun guy everyone was used to,but it wasn't always that easy.He was getting a lot of mood swings lately and he knew it had to do with everything going on and not the people he was surrounded by. It’s justthatsometimes,it was difficult to remember that.But for the most part,he thought he did pretty well. Of course he'd often get a concerned look from Matthewwhen he'd get too quiet or a questioning eyebrow from Williamwhen h
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"Cailen, I- I'm-" Asherstarted just as the door to the toilets flew open and two loud men stumbled through, talking to each other but loud enough for the whole pub to hear."Oh, man you should’vebeen there, dude,"one of them said to the other, slapping his friendon the shoulder. The other grinned back at him as they made their way to do their business. "The look on her face was priceless!"Ashersighed as he eyed the two men, his mouth pressing closed because there was no way he was going to confess now.With a glance over his shoulder, maybe it was a glare, Cailenlead Asherout into the hall. But instead of going to join the boys, he pulled Asherdown the hall where they met a dead end andthey were alone."Go on," Cailenencouraged.He wanted Asherto be able to trust him. Asherhad been there for him when he needed him and he wanted to be there for himtoo.
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He was really confused and it was keeping him from getting much sleep lately.Instead of sleeping,he would lay awake and just think over the same things, the same questions and never get any answers.He was sick of it. It made him short tempered and it was exhausting running over the same theories and questionsevery night.He wasn't sure he could do it anymore.Cailenthrew back the covers of his bed, the cool air creeping over his skin and making him shiver.He contemplated wrapping himself in the blanket and taking it with him but decided it would be more work than it was worth and a safety hazard when trying to descendthe stairs.He left the blanket and shuffled his way out of the room, trying to be as quiet as possible so he didn't wake anyone up.As he passed William's room,he could hear his quiet snoring-something Williamrefuses to believe he does every timeCailen
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