Chapter 4. JAXON

My eyes slide open, and the fog in my mind dissipates, even as another sensation overrides me. I'm covered in something. It's wet, sticky and coats my entire person. The smell of old blood suddenly fills my nose. It's fresh but have lingered on my skin for hours now. Fear thrills my body, the heavy weight of dread seeping into my bones. It's blood and loads of it too, I realise sitting upwards, glancing down at my naked body.

I don't remember shifting back.

No, no, no.

It was getting worse. The irrationality that fills my mind when the haze takes over was worsening, day by day and there was little I could do to stop it. It's evident that I can no longer control when it happens or how. No one was safe around me anymore. Not even me. Like adding insult to injury, the last time I saw Moi flashes before me. I remember the door being closed. I remember standing outside in the darkness, laying in wait. I remember scratching the door anger, but what happens next, I have no recollection.

The beast in me had completely taken over and kicked me fully from the driver's seat. I was no longer privy to the knowledge of his actions. I must have either blocked out or worse.

What if someone saw me?

I didn't want to think about the worse. But still they flash. Mangled carcass, limbs askew, blood everywhere buy faceless. The gore and blood behind my eyelids driving me back to the dirt beneath me as I attempted to keep myself together.

I didn't kill her.

Flash, Moi's smiling face.

I didn't kill her.

Flash, the sound of her laughter.

I didn't kill her, I repeated to myself once more, failing to believe.

Flash, her king broken against the dirt.

No, I couldn't.

Flash, the day I found her in my father's underground bunker trembling, eyes wide with fear as she started up at me blankly. Moi didn't realise it was me until I had bent to my knees, her sobs heavy on my shoulder.

I killed Moi, the verdict returns.

The sound of passerby cars pulls me from my loathing and I pull myself unto my feet, abandoning my search for a carcass nearby. I could already tell from the none existent scent at my nose that wherever it might be, it wasn't close.

Keeping myself hidden behind the greenery, I head to a small stream to wash the tormenting evidence from my body, before heading back to the cabin. I didn't shop yesterday. No, that was the intention of having waited for Moi, but now I'm not as hungry. I don't want to think of having fed from the carcass or I'm sure to throw up.

I have seen a lot of blood and gore. Have killed my fair share of men and or women. I'm impartial when it comes to my pack, gender makes no difference. Still, all of this was enough to drive my anxiety levels higher. I'm restless playing in bed, too hungry to move, yet too afraid to figure out if what plagued my mind was real.

'Don't be an asshole, ' A voice calls from deep within my subconscious.

It's Rider, my stupid best friend.

Of course, he'd reprimand my seemingly irresponsible behavior. There's a part of me that knows I wouldn't hurt Moi, but with how unpredictable I've become over the past few days and hours- it's almost likely.

I wouldn't but that doesn't rule out the possibility that I can't.

A ping shoot from my phone, the screen lightning up, the name on the face forcing me to hold my breath.

Allison

'Jaxon'

'Ally,' I respond.

'When are you coming home, you loafer? Have you forgotten you're babysitting duties? '

A smile crawls against my face. Only my sister could turn an ominous situation around.

'Have you forgotten you've got a mate? '

Two rolled eyes in response. My phone rings this time, shifting our conversation from text to voice call.

'I've got a mate but I've barely had him to myself. Your father keeps all the possible wolves with a d!ck busy. Callum is only in my arms because he can't walk yet. " Ally somberly explains.

"How are the repairs? "

"Slow but coming on. The new wolves are doing their best. " She laments.

"New wolves? Ally, they've been there for almost a year now. Don't tell me dad can't initiated them into the pack?"

"He would die first. No he hasn't," It was now my turn to roll my eyes. Typical dad, thinks he's doing the world a favor but in reality only worsening the situation." But with so many wolves having heard Rider make the pact with them, " Ally continues to explain." He has to tread carefully. Rider being absent doesn't speed things up either. "

Of course it doesn't, I thought to myself. No one else has the balls enough to stand up to our Alpha.

Dad hated when he felt that someone was overreaching, even if that said son was groomed by him. Hell, look where I am. Disgraced and rejected and I was his son.

"And Beta Rider, what's his input? "

"A watchdog as usual, silent as a river, yet as dark as the invisible current beneath. Thank Selene for my Oliver, that man is a force of nature. "

"Our father is a force of nature. "I tossed back at her.

And still people wonder why Rider was no nonchalant about everything- that is until they lifted the wrong finger. The Rider's have maintained the Beta lineage for decades now. There wasn't a chill bone in their DNA. Not from the way they trained. Hence it's not surprising that his father is so detached from any situation.

No one could tame our father's anger or him in his entirety besides out mother. Anyone would question how it is they ended up together. Whether Selene made a mistake or is it a match made in heaven, only mom could tell.

And I've never heard her complain buy maybe Rider's mom Nina, has heard an ear full of it since they have been friends for year's.

"How's Moi doing? " Allison asks turning the tables on me.

I've yet to actually open up about the situation with her, but you know, women and their intuition.

"She's fine. "

"Are you guys, you know, " She chuckles a little." Fooling around? "

"Allison, "

She giggles to herself a little more." What? Fine. Have you seen Rider? "

A long pause before I decide to answer.

"Not yet. "

"Jax, " Now it was her time to chastise me.

"Listen Ally, you both mean more than life to me. Callum especially, but I can't see him right now. "

"You're so stubborn and stupid. You're the reason he's out there in the first place. " My sister complains.

"No, " I point out the one fact she seems to forget. "He's here because his mate is here. "

"That's a plus for him. " She argues." Two birds killed with one stone. "

"I just can't right now, " I reiterated.

"Can't or won't? Because that's two different things. "

"Can't, " I supply.

"He's worried you know. We're all worried. Especially mom. She's afraid she'll never see her son again. But with dad, she can't leave. "

I hung my head. I'm not doing this for me. I lost my pack, I betrayed their trust. There's nothing left for me at Silver Moon, yet everyone seems to despise my decision to start away.

"I know. But you're all safer there. "

"No one is safe anywhere. " Allison chastises harshly." There's always something. Hunters, humans, rogues, and berserkers. You're only making excuses Jax. " Ally's voice trembles and I know she's already becoming overwhelmed by our conversation." Do you want to die alone, is that what you want? Like some animal that doesn't have anything or anyone to care about him? "

"Ally?-"

"No, no, " I could hear how deeply hurt she felt." I want my older brother back! You hear me, I don't care what dad says or does. He's not Alpha, you are. You are Alpha Jax. "

"Ally, Ally stop, listen to yourself. The last cannot be changed. I can not be changed. " I attempted to reason." I've killed people I've sworn to protect. "

"That wasn't you. " The protests.

"It's me. That monster is me. It was my paws, my teeth, my being that snuffed out the light in their eyes. "

"You're wrong. Because the Jaxon Harolds I know would never hurt a fly unless it struck first. The Alpha I know would give his own life for his people. The brother I know that's still I there will do whatever it takes to come home and not let a retire Alpha tell him what to do and how to do it. " She states. " So you're a little unhinged now, we've all been. As far as I'm concerned we've all done or have a little berserker in our blood. They're scared and maybe you're a little too. But you know what Jax, the only way to get pass where you are is to accept and not deny who you are. Things are changing Jax. Don't you see it, feel it, smell it? Look at Rider and Halie. Halie is a hybrid. A hybrid. "

I know, I whisper to myself.

"Destiny is only as strong as your will to fight it. "

Callum wails in the background, desperate for attention and my sister sighs dramatically.

"See what you're missing? " She asks." Any ways, I have to go. I'll talk to you soon. "

We hang up and I go back to gazing at the ceiling. Ally was right though. F*k!

***

I don't wait for the others to pick me up this morning, instead choosing to stroll my way up to our work site. I take in the crisp morning air and silence while drinking my coffee and eat my usual hot dog.

Yes I want back to the gas station.

No idiot, there wasn't an ongoing robbery today, and even if there was one, this wolf would not be playing any vigilante roles.

If you're so wondering about me contacting Moi, I haven't. I'm still tailed tucked between legs at the moment. I'm terrified of not receiving an answer and confirming what my conscience claims to be true.

"I still think it's a stupid idea to just pick up a stray dog, " Sylvia argues with Aubrey, coming over to hand me a bottle of water.

"It's just a dog, Sylvia, " Aubrey snickers in response. A ball of fur. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill. Want a sandwich Jax?"

I take both offers, keeping my mouth sealed as both women continue their conversation.

"Mole hill, do you see the size of that mutt? What the hell did its previous owners feed it, radioactive dog food? It's the size of Clifford the dog!"

"It's not an it, it's a her."

"Its freaking gender doesn't matter to me," Sylvia tosses back, flustered. "And the gall of him to take it with us."

"Come on Sylvia," Aubrey nudges her friend. " I think it's sweet to see Breth take care of the poodle."

"That's no freaking poodle. It's a freak of nature!"

"What if it's a werewolf?" Aubrey whispers.

"A what?" Sylvia asks in disbelief.

I swallowed my sandwich then waiting to hear Aubrey's next words.

"Werewolf. You know, half man, half half. New Moon."

Sylvia glances at her friend skeptically before rolling her eyes and shaking her head.

"You mean like twilight?" She sighs, picking up her tray of bottles once more. "Don't you know that isn't real? Have a little sense."

She walks away leaving Aubrey to fumble.

"I'm not saying it's real, Sylvia," She calls after a beat. "You were the one complaining about the dog's size."

"Still, it's a dog, not a damn wolf."

I glance out towards where Breth's van is parked, a part of me curious about what the women were talking about. Still, I bide my inquisitiveness, willing myself to stay out of things that didn't matter me. As far as I knew there were no werewolf colonies here and even if there were shutter, I'm sure none is idiotic to be in their true forms in public.

Still, when evening arrives, I find myself just mere meters away from the van. Breth was telling Collin how he found the poor creature meters away from the cross road, unconscious.

"And you decided to take it home?" Collin asks in disbelief.

"Yes, I love animals."

"Dude that's not an animal. It's an entire fudging forest."

"You're being dramatic," Breth answers. "I couldn't just leave her. Who knows the reason why she was there. Plus," He nods in the direction of the wolf. "The fact that I got her home means she's at least house trained."

"I still think you're crazy for picking up a stray animal and putting it up." Collin reiterates.

I make my strides causal moving closer, tossing a look into the back of the van. Shit. I clench my fists at my waist. That wasn't a damn dog, it was a f**king werewolf and in the public's eye.

"Poor thing is wounded though. Won't let me near her enough to find out how bad she is. " Breth laments and even I am surprised to see this break his facade of a hard core Alpha male.

"Did you see anyone else around when you found her? "

"Na, just her. Wait, " Breth glances me up and down." How did you know it's a her? "

"You just said so you idiot. " I tossed back. I take a long good look at the gray wolf, a magnetizing pull, tugging between her body and mine. Like what I felt when I met Moi, only thing time I couldn't help myself when I reached out and smoothed her fur.

F**k!

Tingles moved up my arms, her head shifted slightly towards me, a small whimper leaving her lips.

Dammit no.

No

No.

Not my mate.