All Chapters of Inevitably Captivated: Chapter 71 - Chapter 80

I put my hand inside the pocket of Josh’s pants to get my bracelet. A plastic thing touches my fingers and I frown. I carefully get it out and my hand flies to my mouth. No, this can’t be happening. This can’t be true.  I look at the white toxins inside the packet and my eyes brim with tears. He has been lying to me. He told me he was clean. Why didn’t he tell me the truth? I asked him before we went out and he denied that he relapsed. I have been suspicious ever since I got out of the hospital. He has changed. He has lost weight, has become extremely tired and he hasn’t been himself at all. 

What have I done? How did I blackout like that? Couldn’t I see her tears? How she was barely holding up? The idea of losing her made me lose my mind and I ended up hurting the one I love the most. I don’t know what I would have done had it not been for Avery. She knocked some sense in me. She woke me up and only then was I able to see how scared Taleen was. The way she stood behind Avery broke me. She wanted somebody to protect her… from me.  I have been sitting in front of Avery’s door for the past hour. I can hear Taleen crying, but I can’t really hear what they’re saying. Is she going to leave? I won’t blame her if she wants to. I messed up. What I have done is probably beyond repair. I just need a time machi

Almost two months have passed. Taleen didn’t leave. She refused to give up on me even though she should have done that a long time ago. I wish I could say I got better, but I keep on relapsing. I keep fucking up no matter what she does and I don’t know why she hasn’t left until now.  I’m stressing her out. I’m giving her a hard time. I’m holding her back from living her life and she’s still here. She shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be with me. She should leave my sorry ass.   College started a week ago an

“Come on! You need to get out! This isn’t healthy for you.” Lisa tries to get me to leave the apartment, but I won’t budge. “My muscles hurt,” I lie, pulling my fuzzy grey blanket over me. It’s a lie I have been using a lot to escape from any outing. I’m curled on my dark blue couch, having my tv on and doing nothing. For the past week, I have enjoyed doing nothing except for going to work and college. I think I have memorized every single detail about this apartment. The more I stare at the walls, the more I realize they’re actually ivory white and not cream-coloured, if there’s even a difference. 

Ten more days have passed and I like to believe that I am used to his absence in my life. My family now knows I’m not with Josh anymore. I think it was a shock to them, just as much as it’s a shock to me. I think a part of me thought that Josh and I would be back together soon despite the breakup because we simply cannot stay away from one another.  Maybe we have finally learned how to do that; however, I don’t think I have mastered that lesson yet. I still don’t know what I’m going to do if I see him before my eyes. I don’t know how I’m going to feel if he and I are invited to the same event. There are a lot of things I’m not ready for and I’m not sure when I am going to be ready.