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Chapter Thirty-One
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2024-10-29 19:42:56Theo
I’ve only driven him once to work, but it’s a good fifteen minutes away from the flat. Most of the way there we’re quiet, and I can tell he’s exhausted by the way he’s leaning on the window, with his hands tucked into the front pocket of his sweatshirt. He looks cozy this way, and I can’t help but reach and grab one of his hands.
I don’t know what he’s done to me, but I can’t stop touching him. He squeezes my hand in return and grins lazily.
Once we’re parked outside, Sam grabs his backpack and turns in his seat.
“Wanna wait? Or you can just go home, it’s fine, I can call a cab when I’m done, or usually, I just crash at the clinic if it’s too late,” he explains like he thinks I will let him do that.
I click my tongue, “Actually, can I come with you?”
I don’t know why I asked that, I’ve got nothing to do at his
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a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-Two
Sam I wake up feeling uneasy before my alarm goes off. There’s a feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake, like something is terribly wrong. I sit up quickly and try to make sense out of my room. It’s still dark outside. I pat on the bed, searching for Theo, and his absence scares me. He never wakes up before I do, not even when I sleep in on Sundays. My eyes burn a little as I squint and try to see if he’s in the bathroom, but from my bed, I can see the door is open and there’s no light coming from the inside. I’m up in a second, throwing on a sweatshirt from my pile of clothes and heading outside of my bedroom to find him. He’s not in the hallway, and he’s not at his keyboard. My chest feels tight, fear cooling my veins. What if he’s lost? What if he’s hurt? What if he left me. The long curtains in the living room flail around and catch my eye. The balcony is open wide. I spot him outside, sitting in one of the plastic chairs. He’s wearing my black
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-Three
TheoI can’t help but choke up as I help Bryce do his tie properly. I know it’s not like anything is going to change, but it’s a cathartic experience to watch my cousin-slash-longtime-best-mate get married.I tug one last time and Elias passes him his tailcoat. I sigh as I take a look at him, and it dawns on me how special this moment is. We’ve been here all morning, in his childhood bedroom reminiscing of our favourite moments with Bryce and toasting to him with Champagne. Even a couple of his friends from uni joined us, and it's been an emotional journey for everyone involved.This is where we grew up, first it was only Bryce and I, and then when we started boarding school Elias joined us. We spent countless hours plotting and messing around and finding activities to keep us busy during long, boring summers, which eventually led to illegal drinking and then to not coming here at all.His stag party was a joke. It was held at my p
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-Four
SamAfter the ceremony, we’re back in the Oblinger Mansion. Well, this is the second Oblinger mansion I've been to. His cousin's childhood home is beautiful and massive. The style is quite different from Theo’s childhood home, though. His is filled with dark wood and burgundy wallpaper and all sorts of dark accents, and this one has more of a French feel to it. The walls are white, carved in wood at the trimmings, and the ornamentation is either golden or made of light wood. This one resembles more of a big farmhouse. When I asked him about it, Theo said his uncles are old farmers, that sort of old money country people so that’s where the difference lies. It’s all very opulent, anyway.In no way, shape or form do they resemble the dingy care homes I grew up in, where we shared a toiled for ten people and hand rusty bunk beds with mattresses filled with bedbugs. I don't think he wants to hear all of that, though. At least not at a wedding.
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Theo After dinner, I leave my seat to go around other tables, saying hello to my extended family. It’s not very pleasant, but it’s something Father asked me to do, a social obligation, so I have to comply. I asked Sam to come along, but he said he’d rather die before meeting all those posh people, so he and his friends stayed seated at the table, abusing the open bar. I walk around the lawn, following the paths of roses that have been set between the tables. I start with my three aunts, old traditional ladies. One of them grabs my arm, “We’ve seen the arm candy you’ve brought, Theo,” she says, animatedly. I feel myself flushing, “Yeah, that’s my boyfriend.” I’m surprised by how little they care about my queerness. Aunt Mary coughs and elbows her sister, “What a stud. So gorgeous. What does he do for a living?” I lean down so I don’t have to shout over the music, “He’s a vet, he graduated university not too long ago,” “A
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Sam“Hey, you got lost for a bit,” I say near his face, “Everything okay?”He nods weakly, “Tiptop. Let’s dance, baby.”He doesn’t give me a chance to reply as he drags me to the dance floor, right where Bryce is handing out shots. My friends are with him, screaming and dancing. They’re all pissed. They’re dancing like the world is going to end tomorrow. So, we join them.Theo is doing his best to follow along, but I can tell his heart is not in it. I can tell something is wrong by the frown that is marrying his beautiful face, but he refuses to call it a night, so I try to make the best of it, participating in group photos and whatnot. Still, it’s hard to get him to crack a real smile.I guess he’s saving whatever is bothering him for a more private setting, but I wish I knew what's wrong right now.TheoIt’s the end of the party, and everyone has either go
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SamAfter Bryce’s wedding, everything has gone quite fast. Days have become a blur in my head of desperate kisses, whispered promises, planning and making love.Theo has practically moved in with me and spends every minute possible trying to fit in everything we would do in a year. The moment I’m off work I’m rushing to get home to him. He’s usually got a nice dinner and something planned for us to do.We either go to the theatre or watch a film at home (which inevitably leads to sex) or go try a new coffee shop or take Muppet to a park while we talk. It only confirms he is my favourite to person to hang out with. It doesn't take much to have a memorable night with him. Now that he’s started therapy and I can tell it’s doing him good. Slowly, he’s opening up to me about his early life.He’s told me more about himself in two weeks than in the last few months. He’s also terribly excit
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SAMIt's immensely pleasing to watch him get excited as the days go on. We have been sitting at my kitchen table for a few hours, a piece of paper between us, and a couple of pens scattered around. Theo is biting his lip, trying to make sense of the itinerary we've drawn up.It's not like I know a lot about travelling overseas, but I've taken to the task of doing all the research possible so we can plan the best trip possible for him. Once we finished with breakfast, we went took Muppet out for a long walk and then just set up our little planning station. It's been so long that I'm getting hungry again now.I lean forward and draw a circle around Chicago."So, this would be around the halfway point. Near the Holidays. I've read it gets mad cold there by the end of the year,"He nods and a slow, careless grin appears on his face, "Well, it's not like London's a tropical wonderland by Christmas. I should be able to adapt accordingly.""I mean,
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Sam"You know those things never work out, right?", Andrea tells me with a sad look on her face, "Like, statistically, the chances you're still together by next year are very slim."I nod and take a sip of my tea. This is just another one of our morning coffee dates, and all I can talk about is Theo's trip. That's exactly the thing about it. We have so much against us and generally speaking, I do know long-distance relationships very rarely are worth it, but I can't get the thought out of my head that we will work out."Yeah. But, might as well, yeah? It's not like I want to be particularly single or anything. If it ends, it ends."She shakes her head, "No, but mentally, you will be with him all the time. You're going to keep wondering where he is, why he isn't texting, or who he is with. That's a fact. I love you, and I really like Theo, but I don't want you to go through all of that alone."A lump forms at the back of my throat and
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Sam Goodbye day is somehow less dramatic than last time. It's just as heartbreaking for me, though. Mostly, we were rushing to get him to the airport on time. He packed while I took the trash out and made sure his flat was nice and tidy for when he comes back next. I don't think getting back to an empty, filthy flat would feel great after months away, so I dodidmy best with the little time we have. He thanked me by snogging me against the door and offering me the keys if I wanted to stay here while he was away, and I batted them away laughing. "Just trying, you know?" He said with his palms up as he landed another big kiss on my mouth. I raised an eyebrow before pecking his cheek, "Like you don't know me." We spent Sunday morning walking around the park, and then when the sun started showing, we went home for a slow fuck and then he was en route to the airport. There's something about him that's odd, I can't tell what it is. He talks the same amount as before, he looks at me and
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SamWhen I wake up on Friday morning, the sun is out completely. I can tell it's much later than I've woken up in ages. I'm borderline too hot, buried underneath unfamiliar covers, and at first, I'm disoriented.I open one eye, and yesterday comes crashing back at me. Theo. The fight. The sheep. Heaps and heaps of mood. Midnight sex. It feels like it was a whole week packed into a day. I pat around his bed, but I quickly realise I'm alone. I don't think he would wait this long, but I still feel a little disappointed to find that out.When I finally check my phone, it's right on my nightstand, already plugged in. These are the sort of details he has with me that help me believe he's in love with me. His love language consists of helping me do small chores, get things ready for me, it's all about acts of service. As a child who had to be responsible for himself from day one, it's the best feeling in the world. I bounced around from foster family to faster family a
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Theo I'm still at the table, picking up our containers and setting them on the stove when he is back in the room, with his shoes on and his work ID hanging around his neck. He walks around me and hugs me from behind. I feel his face buried in the back of my neck. "I'm sorry, I truly am. I'll be back later tonight. It's only six. I'll be back before midnight, promise." I roll my eyes because I know he can't see me. I understand his motives, and I feel sorry for the goat that's there in Swindon, but I hate him at the same time. "So much for a whole weekend together," I say bitterly, but lean back into him. "I understand. You have every right to be upset. I'm an idiot. I accounted for everything at the clinic except for the fact that Gracie isn't trained on livestock at all. I'm sorry, love," he says as he places his cheek against my back. I twist in his arms so he can see me, and then I step back, freeing myself from his arms. "I
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Theo Sam stirs beneath me, from where he is still holding me, and I bury my face further in his neck. I haven't touched him this way in what feels like ages, and in general, I haven't been touched this intimately in a while. Now, feeling his warm skin against mine, and his strong arms around me is fantastic. He was a good lover as always. I don't know how he manages to put the right edge into his thrusts, and the perfect amount of eagerness and nerves in his trembling hands to make me feel desired. It drives me insane, the way his body finds his rhythm within mine, and the way his hips grind slowly against mine when we fuck this way. He's been asleep for a good hour now, and I can't blame him. He's overspent, overworked and even when he feels that way, he rode the train today so we wouldn't lose any time. His effort doesn't go unnoticed, and I am grateful for it, even though I wish he could've stayed for longer. If I had tried to stay for longer, it wou
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SamA week after our fight, right before Halloween, Theo flies home. I've been way too busy all week to plan proper dates, but then again, he's going to be here for three days, so it's not like we'll have much time. We made a joint decision to not tell his family so we could make the most of these few days. In some ways, it feels like we're trying to fix something, although I can't quite put my finger on what's exactly broken.I worked double shifts last week and this one so I could take the whole weekend, Friday included off. I haven't taken days off in ages, I can't remember what I used to do in my spare time besides cooking and sleeping all day. I rush through Thursday's shift, get the paperwork done nice and early so Grace doesn't get stuck here with it while seeing patients. I think she'll be fine since she's shown me she's perfectly capable of running things on her own, but I don't want to give her more than it's humanly possible. Especially since she offered to
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Forty-Seven
Theo "I miss you, by the way," Sam says, halfway through destroying a supermarket croissant. He's not really looking at the camera, which means he's not looking at me either, instead he's staring at his computer at work. Now that he's doing night shifts for a bit, he calls me when he's at the clinic, and I despise it. When I first left, he was in bed and it felt more like an intimate moment between us, a sacred tradition. Now it feels like he's just checking something off his to-do list. I miss when I had his undivided attention, and I can't believe I feel this way. I used to think couples were gross about a year ago, and now I'm getting upset over my boyfriend having to work all the time. "Me too, loads. I don't sleep well when you are so far, honestly, it's the worst-" The sound of a door opening startles me, and he looks away from his computer towards his right, giving me a perfect view of his profile. He has terrible dark circles, but other
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Forty-Six
TheoMy aunt Ivy calls when I'm in the middle of a summit in New York. Now that I've worked my way up the continent, my bag is full of colourful knickknacks from the richest cultures I've seen yet. I panic a little, because she never calls directly, or picks up her phone.She's one of those people who avoid their phone until it's a necessary emergency, so I can't help but feel bile rising to my throat when I see her name on my screen, flashing like an omen. I leave my seat as smoothly as I can and grab my paper cup just to have something to fiddle with.My therapist says it's a big part of my anxiety, finding ways to release my tension, and although I'm really good at hiding it because of my upbringing, it's there. It's hard for me to give in to the urge to fidget because of how many times my hands or legs were slapped with a ruler as a kid. My mum never participated in this, since she passed away before I had to take all these lessons, and my father was too bus
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Forty-Five
SamGrace comes in early today, carrying a Tesco bag, and from here I can see the two meal deals."Lunch," she says with a grin, before setting it on my desk, "You're welcome, I got you the smoothie you like so much,"I grin back at her good memory. It's not like I'm hard to please, to be fair. I eat about anything and everything you set on my way, but it's nice of her to remember the specific one I like. So far, we've been working together for a little over a month and things are working out nicely. We're heading into October already, and as the city is cooling, I'm grateful to have someone here to hang out with.Dr. Lindt spends most of his time in London, looking at empty shops and whatnot for the branch he wants to open there. I'm secretly hoping he offers me a position there so I can move closer to Theo, but only time will tell. He's barely starting to make plans, so I think the opening won't be for another year.Now that I've got my off
