SILK WICKEDNESS 31

‘You have to talk to her. Explain that it was all a misunderstanding.’

There was another long silence, and when he spoke again his voice was roughened with emotion. ‘I wish to God I could look her in the eye and tell her truthfully that I never even thought it. But I did. And nobody will ever know how guilty I felt afterwards.’

She longed to put her arms round him, even take his hand, but she didn’t. Any word or movement, she felt sure, would make him clam up.

‘Until she was born, I felt very little,’ he went on. ‘Anna had this big lump that squirmed now and then, and I knew eventually it was going to come out and there’d be nappies and sleepless nights and a non-existent sex-life for weeks

afterwards. I pretended, for Anna. But when she was bom . . .*

He paused. Td had this idea that it was like shelling peas. I was utterly unprepared. Anna was in agony for hours, and I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. I got angry with the nurses, told them for Christ’s sake to give her somethin