Regrets

They say live your life in such a way you won't wake up with regrets tomorrow. Saying if only I could have done what I wanted to do that time I would not be regretful. I also forgot to day I love you to Marshall that morning.

I was angry at him over a small thing that we could have easily resolved. I let my pride and anger to cloud my judgement. I thought I still had time. I thought I was still going to see him again that night. 

I believed he was going to come with a bunch of flowers and then kiss me on the cheek. He would then apologize to me for lashing out and making me cry. He had made a vow to me that he will never make me cry. My heart won't hurt because of him. 

I kneel down to remove the old flowers that I had put during my last visit. It seems like everyone has moved on with their lives and have forgotten that there was once Marshall. I was here on Easter Sunday and I still find my Easter Sunday flowers. People are too busy to be concerned about the dead.

I am here because he has touched my life in an amazing way. He made me a phenomenal woman. I never in a day doubted his love for me. He never wanted my skin but he wanted my soul. It has never been about money and status. He knew that the little things do matter. Little things like I love you,I am sorry and a simple how are you?

I button the buttons of my coat. This morning is windy and the wind is blowing up my coat. I clear my throat as something was stuck on it making it difficult for me to utter a word.

"I know I said I am going to be visiting you from time to time. I haven't been keeping that promise. Things just got mad at the House of Swank. Brian also thinks it's time we start a family. I have been going mad over that. I can't give him a child. I just can't. You know where I am coming from. You know my fears,"I pause.

I look up and my tears escape my eyes.I wanted to carry Marshall's baby. I wanted to carry it so badly. 

"I am not here to complain but to ask for your blessings. I am ready to move on. It has been 5 years since your passing. I have met someone who makes me happy. I am ready to spend the rest of my life with. I know you are wondering where does that leave me with Brian and our marriage. I also don't know where it leaves us. I am also following my heart,"I say.

We did make a promise to each other that should one of us pass away. We are going to move on with our lives. We are going to find happiness again.

"You are going to love him. When we both have time I am going to bring him here to see you.You should look at him. He is a fine gentleman,"I say.

I kiss my two fingers and touch his grave.i turn back to walk away. I also made a mistake of taking lif for granted. I never lived like every moment could be my last.

I am going to take my chance with Liam. I don't want to die with regrets or Liam dies before me. I don't think I'll be able to survive another loss of a man that I love. What would life be without the man that I love?

I step into the car and pat the driver's shoulder. He starts the engine of the car. I put my shades on and pick up my phone. I have so many missed calls from Liam. He has left me so many messages. 

"I know you are probably angry about what I did. I am sorry if I made you feel cheap. I don't know what I was thinking to book a room for us. I mean you are married and you can't cheat on your husband that you love. I know you made a vow in front of God and people standing at the alter. I am sorry to overstep my mark. I hope we can still be friends. Please call me back. I am not out to ruin your marriage"

I listened to his recording. I swallow hard as I hear that he is breaking up with me. Why is he breaking my heart? Doesn't he see that I also love him? He fails to read all the signs that are there. Which happiness is he talking about in my marriage? 

Even the beggar that I am looking at through the car window looks happy than me. He is genuinely happy though he is sitting on a street corner he seems very happy. Listen to me when I say don't be fooled by the flashy cars and houses. My soul is empty. I have passed the stage of loneliness to move to an empty soul. I am alive but dead. I died the day I agreed to be a wife on paper. My marriage my fatal accident. 

No medical and experienced doctor could resuscitate me back to life. I am just an empty shell. I only wake up for the sake of my business. House of Swank is my hope. My joy and pride. I at least have to point at and be proud that I built from scratch.

The sound of my ringing phone made to snap out of my deep thoughts.

"Lola!"I say.

I have a huge smile on my face as I answer my phone.

"Hey hey girlfriend,"she says.

We both giggle.

"Please don't tell me you are in bed sleeping with hubby,"she says.

"Sleeping with who?"I ask.

"Come on girl. The weather allows you to be in bed cuddling. How is making Brian Junior coming along?"she asks.

"I am ovulating so probably I'll catch this week,"I say.

"You don't sound happy Mrs Fischer,"she says.

"I am very happy my friend. Who would be happy to have a baby with the man of her dreams? I mean Brian is the whole package,"I say.

"Of course and you my friend are set for life because you have a man who loves you. Worships the ground that you walk on. He is a responsible and a family man. Do you see how blessed you are?"she asks.

This is more of a curse for me.

"Yes and yes my friend. I thank God daily for his life. I take things are rocky between you and Lucas,"I say.

Lola has been in a relationship with Lucas for the past 10 years. They are the epitome of love. They truly inspire me. They are high school sweethearts. Though I had my doubts with him but he has proved me wrong.

"Ever since he lost the business is slow. Things are not easy here at home. I can see my babe is depressed. He snaps. Thanks to Covid 19," she says.

Many businesses closed their doors during the pandemic. I don't believe others will be able to recover and open their doors again. Especially the small businesses. They have been hit hard and have a slim chance to bounce back again.

"Are you still going to be able to go with us on a holiday with Rosetta and Rossette?"I ask.

Rossette and Rosetta are indentical twins married to one husband Riann Rowland. A ruthless businessman. He is into mining ajd minerals.

"I doubt my friend,"she says.

"Let me pay the outstanding amount for you and then when you are okay financially you will pay me back. I know how hard are things because you have to pay for Langa and Lungi's fees,"I say.

"Thank you my friend. I'd appreciate that,"she says.

"When you have time. Pop in at House of Swank. I might just find something for you to do until something comes up,"I say.

"Bree I am not a charity case. The fact that you are going to pay for my holiday doesn't mean you must treat me like one of your projects. I am not your project. I am very much capable of finding myself a job than to be scrubbing toilets at House of Swank. You rich people undermine people,"she yells.

She hangs up on my ear before o could even respond to her.whw we all went to school to study Lola saw it fit to run off with Lucas. She got pregnant with Lucas when we were in matric and she then dropped out. she gave up on her dreams. She made an excuse that her mother refuses ti stay with Langa while she studies. She easily have up on her dreams. She never asked for help elsewhere.

I hang my coat after taking it off. I walk to the lounge where I found Brain sitting with a fleece blanket covering his legs. 

"You are back. I thought you were going to come back with the army forcing me to sign the divorce papers,"he chuckles.

I might just do that. He must not give me ideas.

"Did you eat?"I ask leaning towards him to kiss his cheek.

"I had lunch over an hour ago," he says rubbing my hand.

"Okay,"I say.

"What's bothering my beautiful wife?"he asks.

"Do I treat people like projects?" I ask.

He looks at me and flicks my hair.

"Where does that come from?"he asks.

"It's what Lola said to me over the phone,"I say.

"Bree I told you that Lola is just bitter because you made it in life and she didn't. She wanted to do the shortcuts in life rather than working hard. She thought Luke will marry her and hit the jackpot to finer things in life but the opposite actually happened. Don't let her jealousy steal your happiness" he says.

He kisses my lips and I pull back to sigh.

"Come on let's go cuddle in bed or should I make you something to eat first?"he asks.

"I am not even pregnant yet but you are already trying to get me fat"I say.

"I am going to make you a healthy meal. Come on let's go to the kitchen"he says.

He pulls me up by hand and hugs ne from behind as we walk to the kitchen. He whispers in my ear and I giggle.

"Dorcas can you please let my wife and I use the kitchen," he says

"No problem Mr Fischer"she says.

She steps out to go to her cottage at the back. He picks me up and puts me on the kitchen counter top 

"You are going to drop me Brian! No babe no!"I giggle.

"Have I ever dropped you in a single day?"he asks.

I nod no.

"It's nice to see you laughing. I thought you were not going to come back after that heated up argument we had this morning o er that lipstick mark on my shirt,"he says rubbing my curves.

"I am not going to be cheated on by you Brian. Let your secretary know she just doesn't hug other people's husbands especially when she is not going to be here to do the laundry," I say.

"I heard you Mrs Fischer and I'll make sure she receives your message,"he says.

I smile as he puts on the apron to prepare me something to eat.

"Watch and learn from Chef Brain,"he says

They are either going to be too salty or too spicy. Honestly my husband can't cook to save himself. I also can't cook but I can get into the kitchen and mix some ingredients to make something eadable and swallowable unlike my better half.