Fears

This trip we take each year to celebrate our friendship and to also face all our fears. I am actually excited to be leaving Pretoria and jus to be far away from work and turmoil. Most importantly to rest a bit fron my husband and the pressure he puts on me to fall pregnant with his baby.

I believe we should let nature do what it does best. No woman can ever fall pregnant in an environment that it's not conducive for her to fall pregnant.What do poor Bree Fischer know about pregnancy and babies. I am not a gynaecologist by profession. I am wife to Brian Fischer. I am actually his doll that he shines with to other children on the streets. 

All he sees in me it's beauty. I am so damn beautiful. I am pretty sure that God created me on a Sunday when everything and everyone was just chilled playing jazzy and classy music. I do not want to be appreciated only for my beauty. I wish people can actually appreciate me for my brains and what I am capable of doing. I am wise that I am sure of.

He walks to hold my shoulders as I pack my suitcase.

"Make sure you pack something warm in case the weather changes down in Mpumalanga,"he says.

Duh! I have been on a trip before including our honeymoon in Cape Town on one of his beach houses. Honestly it was not one of the best honeymoon. I got married to Brian a week after we have just buried Marshall. I was grieving for the love of my life. The guests who were at my wedding when they saw me shed some tears thought it was because of the excitement that I am marrying the man of  dreams. I am convinced the pastor thought it was the tears of joy. 

My heart was not in a good state. It was torn apart into million pieces. I felt like I was betraying Marshall. His body was not yet decomposed in his grave but already I am hoping into a marriage with Brian. Those were tears of fear not knowing what to expect with the strange man I am getting married to. I was tying a knot with a total stranger. The fear of going to start a new life with a total stranger. Sleep with a stranger.Bath with a stranger. Be a wife to a stranger. A loving one too!

I did not know Brian on a personal level. I knew him as a family friend. He used to visit my father's house with his parents during Christmas and many other family holidays. I did not speak to him much. I have always been president Nqabayomzi Ndlovu quiet daughter. I take after my mother Nomusa Ndlovu. My mother is not given to talking. She is quiet in most of her time. She only utters words when it's only necessary.

My mother is a traditional woman born and raised in the deep rural areas of Kwazulu Natal. She was brought up in a way different from mine. She was taught you don't stand up to a man.

When a man speaks to sit down and listen to what he is saying to you. That is regarded as being the submissive wife. I haven't heard my mother in a single day stand up to my father. Anyway I strongly believe you can be opiniated and still be a submissive wife.

I don't see disrespect when you are being opiniated and voicing out your concerns to your husband. Marriage is a union. It does not mean one should dominate the other.Remember this is a relationship not a competition. No one is here to conquer the other.

"Thank you for reminding me," I say.

"This trip of yours arrived at a wrong time when we are trying for a baby,"he says kissing my cheek.

I fake a smile.

"It's only a few days baby. I'll be back before you know it. You won't even notice I am gone,"I say.

"No ways I am going to see that you are gone. You are my light and you light up my way. Without you this house is going to be very dark,"I say.

I fake a chuckle and turn to face him. I hold his shoulders and rub them going to his arms.

"Last night I gave you an experience that you won't forget and it's going to keep you company while I am away,"I say with a wide smile.

He chuckles squeezing my breasts.

"So you be a good boy and wait for mama to come back to you hnm,"I say.

I kiss him and pull back to reach for my jacket.

I put it on and go sit before the mirror on my dressing table to check my lipstick if he hasn't ruined it with the kiss.

"My wife do you really have to leave me here alone?"he asks.

"Mhm because I won't be able to pack you in my suitcase," I say.

I stand up after fixing my lipstick. 

"Okay I am going to miss you a lot. Please take a lot of pictures for me. Make sure you at least call me before you sleep,"he says.

"Bruh you are telling me that for the 5th time," I say.

I smile nodding my head.

"I am just making sure you don't forget. Please let those boys in Mpumalanga know you are mine," he says pinching my cheek.

"I won't take my marriage band off it that's what you are worried about. I belong to the married women club please. I am Brian Fischer's wife,"I say giggling.

"I am thee Brian Fischer,"he says.

We both laugh a little.

He helps me to carry my suitcase downstairs.

"I told Dorcas to make you enough food. I mean healthy meals. No eating of takeaways while I am gone. I worked too hard for so many years to get that body in shape thank you,"I say as I walk down the stairs with my heels minding my steps.

"Babe one meal of junk food wouldn't hurt. I am craving a bunnychow with a lot of slab chips,"he says.

I fold my arms to look at him.

"Who are you going to go to functions with because you will be pushing a potbelly like you are 6 months pregnant? I am not going to be holding an old man's arm" I say checking if I have everything I'll need at the trip.

"Babe what's wrong with being a little bit chubby?"he asks.

"Everything my hubby everything please. If I wanted a chubby man I would have married one,"I say.

Like I had a choice when I married him. They were blackmailing my father with the huge secret that I am working so hard that it does not come out. If it does come out it will be the end of the Ndlovu clan and it's generation. Everything my father worked hard for over the years building a legacy for me and my two brothers Bafana and Busani will go down the drain. 

I hear the sound of a hooter outside.

"Oh that must be my girls,"I say.

I am so excited. I feel like a child that has been handed a lollipop. I give him one last hug. He holds me tightly and kisses my cheek.

"I am wishing you a great and a safe trip. Don't let anything or anyone stop you from having the best time of your life. Keep in mind that i love you and please you are going there to relax. No work calls workaholic,"he says.

I smile as tears form in my eyes. I don't know why am I being emotional all of a sudden. 

"I'll stay away from work calls I promise you,"I say.

I sniff wiping my nose with the back on my hand.

"Don't cry please Baby,"he says.

"I am not crying,"I say.

He hands me a pocket tissue and I dab my eyes. I couldn't afford to ruin my facebeat. I spent hours doing a full facebeat.

He wheels my suitcase out in the driveway. I find my girls with the nine seater taxi. I don't know where they hired the taxi. Lola is the chief organiser of our trips. Logistics and bookings are done by her.

They had formed a mini circle dancing. I fold my arms to look at them dancing while the driver loads my suitcase into the taxi.

I wave goodbye to Brian and the taxi reverses out of the yard and making a U turn to the traffic circle.

"Bree we said we are going to wear dresses,"says Rossette.

"Ja and you are wearing a jumpsuit. Didn't Lola send you a memo?"asks Rossetta.

"I did and I also called her to remind her," says Lola.

"She did. I Just couldn't find the right dress,"I say.

"What?"says Rosetta.

"Babe you are a designer. Surely you could have combined something,"she says.

They all nod their heads in agreement.

"I haven't had time to actually sit down to design something.  I ak busy with the new range and i failed to squeeze in anything. Here at home we.."I pause.

I am not supposed to say this.

"Come on say it. You are trying for a baby,"says Lola.

They all scream loudly clapping hands.

Rossette grabs a bottle of champagne and opens it.

"This calls for a celebration! You are finally going to be a baby mama too!"she says popping the champagne.

"Girls,I am not yet pregnant,"I say.

"The fact that you guys are trying means a lot and it's worth a celebration. We are going to die of Covid 19 soon. The lockdown delayed us a lot. We are way behind with the schedule of celebrations. When the baby starts kicking tell us we are going to pop champagne,"says Rossetta.

We all burst into laughter.

"Rosetta!"I exclaim clapping once.

"Look how long have we been postponing this trip? But it's all thanks to your father and his cabinet,"she says.

We all laugh toasting with our champagne glasses up high.

"To soft life!" 

We say all of us gulping the wine.

"Time for quick selfies.You must take off this jacket of yours.Its not even cold,"says Lola hanging her phone on the ring light.

"Why are you wearing a jacket? Show them what your mama gave you,"says Rosetta.

She helps me to take it off and we take a few selfies. One thing that I fear is revealing too much of my skin.

My mother has always had a problem with me wearing bum shorts and short skirts.She always said it makes a woman look cheap. She always said to me to cover my skin is for my husband to see not for the whole world. I felt so uncomfortable and not confident enough. That's the fear she instilled in me.

I thought maybe there is something wrong with my skin. I am taking this picture and if she gets to see it I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

I am overcoming my fear and my friends are here holding my hand to support me.

We stopped at a garage to refill tte fyel and we use that few minutes to take pictures. We got to upload them on our social media pages.

Lola pulls me to the side.

"I want to apologise for the way I lashed out on you the other day. I shouldn't have taken out my frustrations on you,"she says.

"I have even forgotten about that my girlfriend. Let's go and enjoy the trip.I know you didn't mean any of those words right? "I ask.

"Of course yes. Thank you for forgiving me,"she says smiling.

I give her a hug.