Chapter One: Plagued With Guilt - Landry

Hello reader!

Thank you for clicking on this book. Going in, it's important that you know that Whole Again is a novella spin-off in the Queen Among series. A lot of the characters and storyline was setup in book 1 A Queen Among Alphas, with moments in this book tying into other books in the series. If you find you're missing context or things don't make sense, this is why. So, i encourage you to read the main series first.

But if you choose not to, that is fine. I simply wish for all my readers to have the best reading experience possible, but if you're comfortable to read this as a standalone, then on with the story!

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It happened again.

I struggle to catch my breath, my heart pounding against my ribcage and thundering in my ears like the sound of a war drum as I try to shake off yet another nightmare, but my hands continue to tremble and my stomach churns as if to mock me.

The morning sun streams in through the cottage window as I throw the sheets back and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I rest my head in my hands as I continue to try to calm myself down, but I can’t. All I can hear are the sounds of Jennifer’s agonised screams from the night I made the biggest mistake of my life. It’s been four months since that night, and even though so much is better in my life, I’m still plagued with guilt for being the world’s biggest, cruellest moron.

'Just keep taking slow breaths. It’ll wear off soon,' says my wolf spirit Matthan as he nuzzles me through our bond. I let his comfort soothe me even though I don’t deserve it. He’s been far kinder to me than I deserve after what I did to him. Not just him. My stupid actions hurt four people in a single blow.

'Thank you,' I say appreciatively.

'Landry, you can’t keep going on like this. How long do you plan to torture yourself?' He sighs.

'I don’t do this on purpose,' I say glumly. If I could stop the nightmares, I would. I hate what they do to me.

'I know, but you’re the only one still mad at you. Yes, you made a horrible mistake and rejected our beautiful soulmate,' he says casually, making my stomach churn violently. 'But you realised you made a rash judgement call and worked hard to make it right and look at where we are now. Marked and mated with our animai and living in a cosy home together. It all worked out in the end,' he reminds me.

'Then why do I still feel so horrible?' I ask defeatedly.

'Because you care. You love her and care about her. It wouldn’t hurt this much if you didn’t,' he says softly, his big chocolate brown fur, and sandy blonde coloured paws – or socks as I like to call them – fanning out as he lays down in my mind while he continues to offer me comfort.

How a dumbass like me ever wound up with such a compassionate and supportive wolf, I’ll never know. He has infinite patience to handle me, and I really don’t know what I’d do without him. Matthan has been my best friend my whole life. His was the first voice I ever heard, and he has been with me through thick and thin. I thank Morrtemis every day that she blessed me with him.

'There you go trying to make this wolf cry,' he says bashfully making me chuckle.

'Thanks for always being here, Matthan,' I say warmly.

'To be fair, I literally can’t go anywhere else,' he says matter-of-factly, making me snort.

'Lan?' Suddenly comes the gentle voice of the sweetest love a guy could ever hope for—my beautiful and wonderful Jennifer.

'Yeah, Pixie?'

'Are you okay? I know you were having another nightmare,' she says gently. Only now with the adrenaline easing off do I start to notice her deep worry coming through our bond. Not just hers, but her wolf Beatrix’s as well.

'I’m okay, I promise,' I say reassuringly.

'You’re not okay, and it’s silly to even bother lying,' remarks Beatrix with disapproval.

Jennifer and Beatrix are like summer and winter. Jennifer is sweet, gentle, and timid, whereas Beatrix is blunt, stern, and confident. They balance each other out and I think Beatrix’s personality is what gives Jennifer the resilience she has.

'Bee, go easy on him,' says Matthan cautiously.

'I’m not criticising him. We’re bonded. We can feel that he’s not okay, and if there’s anyone he should feel safe not being okay with, it’s us,' Beatrix reminds us. I can feel and hear the care in her words. She’s straightforward but never cruel. I appreciate her transparency.

'You’re right, Bee. I apologise to you both, I just… I don’t feel I have a right to complain to either of you. After what I did, I deserve this, so what right do I have to vent or complain to the people whom I hurt so horribly?' I say, unable to hold back the shame and sorrow I feel when I think of Jennifer screaming in pain, collapsing on the ground as her heart began to give out.

I almost killed my soulmate out of ignorance and stupidity. If it weren’t for Alpha Amelia I wouldn’t be where I am now. I’d be a broken shell of a man mourning the death of the woman I was destined to love, knowing I was the one who killed her, and for what? All because she can’t shift. How could I have ever thought that was a reason to reject someone?

'Please don’t do this to yourself,' Jennifer whimpers.

I groan, fisting my hair. I just said I didn’t want them to have to hear me venting, and here I am, wallowing in guilt for them to hear and feel. Way to go, Landry, way to show you’re still a moron.

'I’m sorry, Pixie. The nightmare rattled me, and I guess I’m still spiralling a little bit, but I promise it’ll pass,' I assure her.

'I don’t want you hating yourself forever. I don’t hate you,' her sweet voice says, filled with love. I feel her pushing as much of that love through our bond as she can, wrapping around my heart like protective armour. How could I have ended up with someone so wonderful?

'I love you, Jennifer. I hope you know that.'

I can hear the smile in her voice, 'I love you too. You promised me that day you would do everything you could to make it up to me, and you haven’t broken your promise. I trusted you and you prove every day that trust was well placed. I don’t like to think about that night; it makes me sad, but I don’t blame you for it either. I know it wasn’t really your fault,' she says compassionately.

'I’m the only one whose fault it was, Jen,' I sigh.

'Okay, I’m putting an end to this. Jennifer has pups to wrangle. Landry, you’re going to get up and have a shower and wash off the nightmare and then go have breakfast and go to work. No more depressing topics in the morning. Matthan, you’re going to take good care of him, and I’ll know if you haven’t,' says Beatrix sternly making me smile affectionately.

'Whatever you say my Golden Goddess,' Matthan coos like the lovesick pup he is.

Being bonded to Jennifer means I can see Beatrix through her eyes, and it’s a shame they can’t shift because she’s stunning. The most beautiful fluffy golden blonde coat, that I can just imagine would be so gorgeous to touch. I can’t imagine being unable to shift, but they seem very content with how they are. I just wish I could hold Beatrix the way Jennifer can hold Matthan, which I know he loves. Who wouldn’t? Sometimes we take her for runs on our back, and just feeling her fingers in his fur is one of the most incredible sensations in the world. Definitely in the top five.