Chapter 1: Memories

Being trapped in your dreams, unable to leave the rooms in your mind because you're still asleep. This is my nightmare... Veronica

Running as fast as my legs could go, I ran towards the old abandoned building ahead, knowing it was the only place for me to hide.

In the light of day, that building looked forlorn and sad, but at night it looked like it housed a lot of horrors. Still I ran towards it, my mind seeing it as the refuge it wasn't. Having explored all other options, it was the only way out.

Not looking back, I entered the abandoned factory through a hole in the wall, small enough to let my small body squirm through without getting stuck. Once inside, I proceeded to look for a place I could hide. It was not lost on me that my only source of light, the moon, was also my source of discovery; the building had no roof.

After a quick search, I finally found a spot that was deep in the dark, away from the shining moon, that would allow me to hide without the fear of getting caught, and I ran towards it as fast I could as soon as I heard his heavy footsteps.

After successfully hiding, it was the sound of my heart, beating frantically that made me fear I could get caught. I knew from experience that the brute chasing me could hear the tiniest of sounds, so I tried to calm my racing heart.

I closed my eyes, and prayed as I waited. I heard nothing for some time, and I began to relax a bit because he never took this long to find me and take me away to his torture chamber. Maybe, just maybe, I would be saved this time.

I whispered a pray of thanks, but it seemed my relief and gratitude were premature because I heard the voice that I had come to know like the back of my hand.

"Do you think you can hide from me, Veronica?" He said, his voice echoing.

I could tell he was around, so I huddled closer into the dark, behind the board.

"You're mine, Veronica. I will get you. Save me all that trouble and come out, and I promise you'll enjoy what I want to do to you tonight. I bought you a beautiful, red night dress that I want you to wear lying on my bed tonight"

I clamped my hand immediately over my mouth, when a rat decided to jump on my head. I didn't run all this time only, to be caught because of a rat, even one as big as the one now walking boldly on my body. I didn't even bother to shake it off because I feared it might give away my location.

"You're getting me angry, Veronica!!!" He shouted, and I heard something being smashed against the wall. 

God please! God please! God please! I kept on chanting in my mind.

Just then, something happened and I knew it was over for me. Another rat had fallen on me and I released a sound; it was neither loud or quiet, but it was loud enough.

Fear wrapped its icy hands around my heart, squeezing me for all I was worth. When I heard no sound at all, I began to wonder what was happening. I needed to know where he was so I could prepare myself to bolt or fight, but that choice was taken away, when I heard a psychotic voice laugh directly behind me.

"I found you."

I screamed, and didn't stop screaming till I felt someone violently shake me, begging me to wake up.

"For God's sake Veronica open your eyes! It's a dream!" The voice kept saying, but I struggled to open my eyes because it felt like it was glued shut.

When I finally opened my eyes, I looked around trying to find something familiar to chase away the remnants of that horrible dream. I was in my room and my room mate was on my bed. Even with the AC on, my bed was totally covered in my sweat. Knowing I needed to calm down, Cynthia didn't speak.

I kept my eyes closed, trying my best to ignore my friend, I didn't want to see the pity I knew I would see in her eyes.

This nightmare made it the seventeenth one I would have this year alone, since I stopped going for therapy; and it was just June. The therapy had not been helping, so I decided not to waste money that I could have used for better things, like going on a vacation, or saving up to get Cynthia and Paul a wedding gift.

Cynthia disagreed with my decision, but I already made my decision and there was nothing she could do about it.

As certified as Dr Anthony was, all he did for me was not helping me get better. If anything, my nightmares grew worse and more vivid. 

After the unfortunate incident that left me damaged and scared, I haven't lived the best life relationship wise. Even though it had been years since I was raped, ten years to be exact, it was safe to say I had been damaged for other men; I couldn't stand intimacy.

And we didn't need rocket science to conclude that no relationship could survive without intimacy, especially when the tiniest of touch tends to make me panic. If I couldn't stand touches, I definitely couldn't allow kisses, hugs, and the mother of all intimacy, sex. I knew my friends were worried, Cynthia and Diana had set me up with different men because of it.

I stopped therapy my second year of college, after I accepted that I was probably going to remain single and decided to love it. What made me decide to start again was when Paul, Cynthia's boyfriend, asked her to marry him. The whole scene, coupled with the words he used, struck a chord in my already made up mind.  

If Cynthia, with her domestic violence experience, could move past it to the point of getting married after she swore she wouldn't, I definitely could get past my past too, right?

Most of my friends had either gotten married, or they had significant others, or they were just sleeping around and here I was, doing nothing. Mum and Dad couldn't help but worry that I might become a nun, and not give them a grandchild. That's why it's advisable to have more than one child, not that they had a say in the matter. Before me, mum had suffered eight miscarriages. I was the lucky one given to them in their late thirties.

"You do know I am right when I say you should continue with therapy." Cynthia said slowly as if trying to gauge if I was ready for a discussion.

"I am not..." I began to argue but she cut me off with a wave of her hand.

"Not with Dr Anthony. Someone else, Diana happens to know someone that had a similar problem too and is now in a committed relationship for about six months now." She said, her voice taking on that advocacy tone she wasn't aware she used out of work. 

"Cynthia, I don't have money to waste on therapy anymore. Besides, what if I haven't just met the right guy? Have you guys never thought of that." I asked even though I knew the answer to that question.

Over the years, I've met nice, handsome and responsible men that I had wanted to, at least, try something with. But after the first three dates- if it ever gets to three that is, they begin to expect more and I honestly couldn't give them that. If I couldn't have sex, there was no relationship to be had. Okay, that was a bit extreme, but I knew we'd at least had to get intimate. I couldn't seem to get pass handholding, and I even had to mentally count numbers backwards to keep from bolting during the whole thing.

She gave a loud unladylike snort that made me want to smile, "Babe, you have met some pretty awesome guys."

"Well they didn't make my pulse race with anything but replusion anytime they wanted to kiss me, so maybe they weren't that awesome." I countered.

"So, my brother wasn't awesome?" She asked, and I could hear she was slightly offended.

Someone was obviously still hurt I broke her brother's heart when things didn't progress into a relationship, and I couldn't blame her. Because of it, Tom kept avoiding me, which also meant he stopped visiting her in our apartment, when he practically used to live here before.

"I didn't say that. It was a general assumption and you concluded I also meant that." I was sorry about it, but I was still so frazzled by my dream I couldn't bring myself to be more apologetic.

"That's why I told you I wasn't interested in the first place." I continued. She tried to speak but I didn't let her by speaking over her in a slightly louder voice.

"Remember I told you that it might not work out but you begged me, telling me he loved me, and I argued that I might break his heart  because I don't feel the same, and you said that I won't because I would fall in love with him. You were so eager to pair us up that I decided to humor you not to break your heart, especially after I lost that trivia bet." I said without taking a pause.

"I know...I know. And I agree I pushed and pushed, so I'll drop it. But on the therapist issue, why not give it a try. Unlike the old geezers you've been seeing, this doctor is young, so I heard. Try him out." She tried to persuade me. I really would have tried, but I had repeated the process so much I couldn't see myself sitting on a couch everytime, answering questions I already answered. I declined, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before getting out of my bed to go use the bathroom so I could go to work.

"I'll pay for it!" She blurted out. And that got my attention, making me turn to look at her. "I need all my money for the wedding but I am willing to pay." 

"What's the catch?" I asked, not trusting her at all as I moved slowly to take my towel from its position on my wardrobe.

"No catch at all." She replied too sweetly and I snorted.

"I have lived with you for what now- seven years, I know you well enough to know that there is a catch." I said. We started a staring match, her eyes denying there's an ulterior motive and mine telling her to spill. I saw the moment I won the match and she did exactly what I wanted.

"Okay!" She raised both hands in surrender, "the catch is......" She drawled, trying to stall, making me give her a blank stare to let her know I wasn't amused by her antics.

"I hate those eyes of yours when you stare at me like that." She said

"I'm listening." 

"Okay fine. The catch is you try to give my brother an honest chance." She said sounding unsure of herself.

I gave her an exaggerated roll of my eyes to let her know how ridiculous that catch was. With my back to her, I began to take off my soft yellow tee-shirt. When I was done, I took my towel and wrapped it around my body.

"News flash! I already gave him a chance." I announced, moving towards the bathroom in my room. As expected, she followed me.

"Listen to me. I know I am being stubborn on this matter of you and brother.." She began

"Atleast you know what you are" I said dryly.

She ignored that and continued like I didn't say a thing.

"Tom told me that you really didn't give him a chance."

"I gave him a chance. Knowing I have a regular of three dates, I gave him four dates. That, to me, is more than a chance!" I was beginning to get angry.

"No. I believe you expected the relationship to fail and you came in with that mindset and nothing he did could convince you. That led me to assume that maybe it's not the touchy- feely part alone that is hindering you from having a relationship but the fact that you've already made up your mind nothing would come out of it, based on past experiences. And you do that to avoid getting hurt. That is a turn off on its own."

I just stared at her, totally speechless as I watched her talk like a seasoned psychologist.

"I say you missed your calling as a psychologist or counsellor and you are wasting away being a firefighter." I replied humorlessly

"What do you have to lose? I said I'll pay for the first two therapy sessions as long as you agree to see the doctor I told you about." She said.

"And if after everything, I don't fall in love with your brother?" I waited for her response.

"As long as you get better and move forward, I don't mind if you fall in love with someone else."

I mulled over what she said in my mind and I agreed with her. I had nothing to lose if I agreed to see this doctor but I stood gain a lot. 

A quick glance at her showed me she knew I was thinking about it. I would have laughed at the way she was worrying her lower lip if I didn't have to make such an important decision.

Therapy with this person could mean I could get better, which could mean I could finally get into a relationship and then have crazy monkey sex like the ones I've seen on tv. And who knows, maybe my nightmares would finally end.

You lose nothing from trying...

"Set up an appointment. I'll see the doctor."

If happiness was a person, it would be Cynthia. She leaped into the air, her excitement, palpable on her face.

"You won't regret it, I promise." She said as she hugged me, still jumping.

"Let's wait and see."