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Forty-five
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When the bully falls in love forty-six
The world we live in is a place of dreams, from the squads we roll in, to the clothes we wear, to what we drive and to some extent who we love or let love us. Sometimes the dreams come true, other times they crush so hard and burn, and break us, into pieces. Dreams make us, and break us too. So, we tend to hold on to dreams like broken winged birds. Like our whole lives depend on it, we imagine people in our dreams, imagine success in our dreams, envision our lives in dreams before they become what they really are. Dreams are dangerous, they can make us or break us. My dream to be with the bully had broken me. How would I live after what happened today, how could I call myself a person? I was sitting inside the toilet, on the floor, with the door locked. A group of students who saw me come in were standing outside, reading the lines of my diary loudly. They had been dropped inside the washrooms too. Whoever had done this had do a great job. It was expensive but great, perfect. I a
When the bully falls in love Forty Seven
I was seated quietly ,trembling, not knowing what to do. Was the bully secretly in love with me too? What could be the problem? What could have transpired. He looked confused today, her couldn’t decide whether to be sweet, rude or arrogant the way he was every day. It was unlike Vince to be anything other than rude, violent and abusive. He was a mixture of all three. All three blended at once to produce a very rude bully who didn’t want to see me win or succeed in life. The whole class couldn’t picture what was going on yet? They couldn’t find something to laugh about too. Everyone was looking at us, not at us but at Vince specifically, demanding answers, answers of why he hadn’t done something big yet, answers of why he hadn’t made a big super human move yet. My crimes were great, they were big, I doubted if Jesus himself would have agreed to die for me today, if at all he came back and God asked him to save Fatrez specifically, would he have died for me. Let alone die, would he hav
When the bully falls in love Forty-eight
Sometimes, we are not proud of what we did, other times we are ashamed, of the scars we carry. Each scar resembles pain. Each scar has a story behind it. The fact that wounds healed and scars were left behind reminds us of everything. It reminds us of how short we have fallen. How short we have fallen on everything. How unworthy we have become. Deep down I felt bad, I felt hurt. Nobody liked me, I was sick in the head. Sick everywhere, socially sick, emotionally sick. I wasn’t even angry at anything; I was in pain. The pai n was too much and it felt like my heart had been plastered over. Like a hole had been drilled in my heart and it was bleeding. At this point, I didn’t even want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to stop feeling lost, stop feeling damaged, stop feeling screwed up. Stop feeling unworthy, stop feeling so down in the dumps. It felt like I was in another planet and I was an alien. A radioactive material that people kept trying to get rid of, but wouldn’t
When the bully falls in love Forty nine
Sometimes it felt like everyone else around me had their whole life figured out. They fitted in easily, moved with masses, they didn’t struggle like I did. They didn’t try so hard, they just fit. Pieces of their puzzle just found each other. They made friends easily, got good grades easily, their parents loved them without drama, their families weren’t dysfunctional either. They were just happy and okay. Happy even though they didn’t deserve it. Happy, so happy that I was jealous. They didn’t have to pretend to be okay, pretend to be human. Pretend that they were okay without friends or lie about being an introvert to cover the lack of friendships. Lie that they lived being a loner or anything like that. Faults are usually thick where love is thin. The faults in my life were thick, too thick for me to break out or see the way forward. It only meant that the love in my life was thin, it was hardly there. I didn’t even love myself and kept looking down on me every day. How could anyone
When the bully falls in love fifty
‘‘Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’’ We were sitting on the rooftop with Cage, apparently, he had been watching me all along. Watching me come in and take slow guided steps towards the edge, curiously. ‘‘So how did you discover here?’’ he asked shrugging his shoulders. ‘‘I don’t know, I have always known this place exists at the back of my mind,’’ I answered trying to mask my emotions or the fact that I was going through midlife crisis with myself, midlife crisis that I couldn’t solve or deal with. ‘‘Come on, that is not enough, I’m an overthinker and you cannot give me answers that aren’t leading, I’ll just think and think until I get depressed or my head bursts,’’ he joked. ‘‘I love rooftops, I love the sky and the fresh air that only comes along up here on the rooftop, though I have never been here, I have always guessed it is the same as my favorite rooftop and balcony,’’ I smiled. That was half true, at least I tried. I genuinely
When the bully falls in love Fifty one
‘‘Don’t look at me,’’ I cried.‘‘Why?’’‘‘Because I might cry,’’ I breathed.Nobody had ever done something so romantic and big to me, absolutely no one had ever done that Its okay, that is what gets to happen to you every day when you are in love with a poet.‘‘Can we sit?’’ he requested.I looked at him and smiled as I weighed my options should I sit with him or not.‘‘We will just sit, nothing else,’’ je affirmed.‘‘But why would you want to sit with me, why?’’It was only fair that I asked him the question again. No one ever minded me or looked my way, let alone request to sit with me or even write me nice poems, why would he do that for me.‘‘Because I want to,’’ he answered.‘‘That’s not enough, nobody ever sits with me or wants to have a conversation with me, at all. That’s why I am asking why you want to,’’ I inquired again.I hatred being charity cases, I hated being the object of sympathy.‘‘Because I want to, and because that’s reason enough, to me you are a pure, honest
When the bully falls in love Fifty Two
‘‘Will you come to prom with me?’’ The question caught me off guard and for a moment I stood their perplexed, I didn’t know what to do or how to even do it in the first place. How did people answer just questions? Did they cry first or just say yes straight away without thinking. Was he seriously asking me to go to prom with him? Prom was a big event; it was grand for everyone. You didn’t just show up with anyone at prom, you didn’t just walk into prom night with any cloth that was on top off your wardrobe, it was different. ‘‘Are you seriously asking me to come to prom with you?’’ I asked again refusing to believe it. There were hundreds of girls out there, many people that would say yes to him. Cage wasn’t ugly, any girl would fall in love easily with him. His perfect charms that began with his ease of words and pure vibes, his soft and deep laughter that run deep and finally his intoxicating black eyes. He was a package, that I had to admit, he could easily get a girl like Sasha
When the bully falls in love Fifty Three
The world is in constant motion and those who passed by at one point are going to come back their someday, to complete the journey full circle. That’s what Cage believed in, he believed he was going to see his sister someday. It was called hope, faith. Or like Emily Dickson described it. Hope is the thing without feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all. The kind of hope he had was dangerous. It was the kind that destroyed you and ate you alive inside. I knew how it felt like, it was a hopeless, desperate way to go, one that would always end in misery. I had wanted to tell him that that’s how I used to feel like when my mama went away. Some strong kind hope that she would be back and pick from where she left. Pick the broken pieces and fix them back together. It was positive hope at first, the first few years when I saved money and bought her a dress, she liked and new shoes from a nearby store. Then went ahead to draw many picture
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When the bully falls in love 152
A person can never go through life waiting for happiness, you have to make your own, for there is nothing stronger and better like a good memory. “Your eyes make you beautiful, but your lips do more than that, you are a beautiful creation. One that took a few more hours to be made, I would say the creator had some free time to spare during that time,’’ he whispered the words in my ear in a slurry base, that was seductive and enticing. “Are you sure, are my eyes that beautiful,’’ I asked more confused than ever. We kept on having normal and sugar sweet conversations at the top of the stairs, the bully has a heart. I moved towards the room I was supposed to sleep in and he followed behind, helping me, making sure I didn’t fall. I pushed the door open and slid into bed before he pulled out the covers and made sure I was neatly tucked in. “You are such a good soul, what demons always take over you every day, what really happens?’’ I asked slowly as I felt sleep taking a toll on me.
When the bully falls in love 151
I pushed the large window to open fully and watched as he jumped in with a loud thud. ‘‘Be silent, someone is going to hear you,’’ I warned in a whisper as I suppressed a little girls giggle. It felt I was torn between leaving my window open so the bully could witness everything. He always made sure he gave me lessons at love with his little conquests every day, by leaving his window open, and putting the lights on so could watch every little detail, every single step as they kissed with him lifting his small whores against and doing all kinds of stuff to them. like I was cheating on him, so I pulled the window closed and turned around. ‘‘Heeeeeeey,’’ he greeted again as he pulled me into a warm hug. ‘‘Heey, ‘’ I greeted back as I hugged him too. ‘‘You smell so nice,’’ he commented as he pulled me closer to inhale his masculine scent. ‘‘Your cologne is also awesome,’’ I complemented, ‘‘What is it called?’’ I asked even though was sure that I would forget the name as soon as he
When the bully falls in love 150
I mouthed an awful goodnight to everyone at the table and didn’t stay behind long enough to hear wherever they would, say. I was just done with humanity and everything about them. ‘‘Don’t forget about tomorrow, its along day,’’ my papa screamed as hr shouted goodnight too. IO smiled and nodded my head before taking the flight of stairs towards my room. I got in closed the door and laid on the floor flat, with my head facing the wall. This room was my safe place, it was one of the only places in the world where I felt whole, The ceiling board was familiar as usual, the normal designs, the walls boring as ever. Boring and me always belonged in the same sentence, my life was boring, terribly boring, nothing about it could spark or raise eyebrows, it wasn’t even spiced up a little. I closed my eyes and just lay there for almost an hour, I wanted to feel nothing, I wanted to be numb to emotion, immune to love or hurt. I didn’t want to be human anymore. My headache was getting even w
When the bully falls in love 149
‘‘Beauty is all around you, all you have to do is open your eyes and see it’’ Dinner was boring as usual; it was just the sound of forks and spoons clinking on the plate as we all savored whatever was left inside our plates. The only time I ever felt alive was when I was eating. Food made me feel whole, it made feel like looking up to the next meal. There was a conversation going on around me, I made myself immune to whatever was being said, I blocked the words from reaching my ears. I had already given up, died inside a long time ago, the only thing I was doing right now was feeling up my body. I did not have a soul. I focused on the sounds the fork and knife made as it hit my plate and objectified my food as I became totally absent from everything that was happening around me. A hand tapped my shoulder and I gasped loudly in shock. ‘‘Sorry, but are you okay?’’ It was my step mama again, what was she even trying to do, by being good to me out of the blue. ‘‘I am fine,’’ I repli
When the bully falls in love 148
Every day, people ask if you are okay. A random stranger inside the bus pretends to care and ask if you are fine, because your palms are sweating, or your lips trembling, from your struggle with anxiety. But most of the time, no one does, its pretense. The moment I got into the house, I wish I didn’t, they all seemed to be in a happy mood, happy for no good reason and I feared they might want me to join them and perhaps, perhaps I wouldn’t be able to, lest they notice that my spirit has given up. ‘‘Hellooooo,’’ my father greeted as he stood up to come and say hi. I was really uncomfortable and he knew, I wasn’t up for all the happy merry, the high vibes, I wanted it low and quiet, I didn’t want anyone to recognize me. That’s how a child grows up when their mother abandons them, it’s the only way for them to cope up, you lay low and lock up all your feelings in a cage, you become numb, because feelings are useless, humans abuse them all the time, you better not have them. ‘‘Hey pa
When the bully falls in love 147
I literally rolled my eyes at the phrase, it was one of the most common things I had heard in school everywhere, despite the fact that I didn’t have much friends. That was so ordinary, it was a common phrase to tell a girl, it could get someone arrested. ‘‘ Girl, now you have standards about what to be done and what not to be done, and yet just recently you didn’t have a chance?’’ my conscience screamed at me after detecting what I had just done. ‘‘That is so lovely, oooouh,’’ I let out a fake mona as I struggled so hard not to laugh or do anything. God, I am evil too, kill me , punish me, make me repent. I laughed inwardly. I was currently doing well, experiencing a series of absolute highs that I couldn’t comprehends. What did I do to deserve all this. Would he have been heart broken if at all I had done it, if at all I had succeeded in taking away my life yesterday, perhaps he would have, perhaps he wouldn’t have. ‘‘ I think I like you,’’ he blurted out. ‘‘ What ?’’ I asked
When the bully falls in love 146
“ Well , that was my mama, she is preparing…’’ oooups, I almost ruined the surprise. “ What surprise, I thought you said it,’’ I asked even more curious and surprised. “ Well, I guess you will just have to wait and trust me on this,’’ she laughed as she threw her hair back while looking at me. “ I got to go, brush my teeth and stuff, I have been sleeping since forever,’’ I cried. “ And yesterday, I tried calling you several times, you weren’t picking.’’ “Really? What time?’’ “ At night, wanted to face time you now, and gossip, and anormal stuff, okay, okay, I can be too much sometimes, let that slide,’’ she spoke fast. “ Is that Barbra feeling insecure?’’ I laughed at the thought. She was one of the most confident human being that I knew who existed in planet earth, confidence and her always belonged in one sentence. “Lol, go get a shower and eat whatever you getting for breakfast, but I warn you, be ready for the surprise,’’ she winked before blowing kisses in the air and han
When the bully falls in love 145
I pulled the window down and drew back the curtains before standing on that position for a while , while just inhaling and exhaling the air around e. It was full of Cage, his scent everything. Perhaps all we need is a little lo9ve, all humanity needs is a little love to save it form drowning some one to care, someone to hug and hold your hand. I coiled in bed and hugged the balloon he had brought. It was laying on my chest with my hands draped around it as it felt warm. He was the sign, a sign form heaven above, a miracle, everything that I had hoped I would have but was too sacred to admit. I pulled up the sheets and turned off the bedside lamp, before closing my eyers. The balloon was still in my arms and my head was supported on the part of the bed where Cage had been sitting, it felt different, it felt better, it still smelt of him, it made me want to try again. *** It was another morning, a Saturday. Saturdays always felt so boring, boring because I was always stuck at home
When the bully falls in love 144
Sometimes all you need is a little love. A big hug, and someone to care. It heals the soul, repairs wounds that are beneath the skin and makes someone want to live again. ‘‘Tell me, what is it like?’’ Cage asked. ‘‘What is what like?’’ I laughed back. We were sitting in a position that I still couldn’t believe. Vince should probably see this, see me happy, see someone treating me like a human being. I wanted a picture of this moment, I wanted to remember it so that the next time the bullies threw a fracas or decided to belittle me, I would literally through the image on their faces and run. Nothing slaps differently and hits hard like seeing your enemy happy, that is why the ice cream incident affected them so much. ‘‘ I mean being you, sleeping in this big bed like a princess and having a magnificent view of the town and street from your window, I can’t imagine,’’ he said as he tickled my nose. He was laying on my bed with his back, with a billow over his lap and me laying on
