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What if We Drown 83
Confliction had seized her every waking thought, and the horrors they'd crafted in sleep had carried into her waking nightmare. Salty kisses, split lips, and haunted gazes had been her only comfort in sleep. The desperate glances she stole over her phone were a subconscious reaction to her need to know that he was okay. Trapped within this nightmare, only one person who could wake her from it. The same person who'd refused to acknowledge her messages, or answer any of her calls.In an attempt to clear her head the following morning, she'd decided to go for a run, only realizing the direction her feet had carried her when she found herself on the corner of Main Street, gazing up at his apartment.Sat on the dusty pavement across the street, her stare had focused on the shadows that moved within, a mental battle ensuing. To go, or to stay away as he'd wanted? Ashlyn's world had flipped on its head in a matter of words. Up was suddenly down, and love had twisted into an unnamed fear.
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If what Abel said was right, and Derek indeed was the person she'd come to know over the past few months, she couldn't desert him now. The descent into internal darkness was swift and alienating, and she wouldn't wish that on anyone, least of all him.Brushing her fingers through Bumper's fur, she thought about what Abel said, and what she needed to do. Frowning, her fingers retreated from his fur when her thoughts returned empty.How do I do this when he doesn't acknowledge me? He's shut me out, and right now I have no choice but to listen and take a step back. He doesn't want me around.Something pinched in her chest, a hollow ache resounding at the thought of leaving him alone. But she couldn't force him to let her in. He had to choose it, just as she had.Leaning back in his chair, Abel crossed his hands in his lap."You fight for him. Show him that you're still here, and when things settle, you continue to be there."Ashlyn glanced down at Bumper resting in her lap, the uns
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"...maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my lovin' one-man show..."Ashlyn pretended to sing along with the radio into the end of the paintbrush, stomping her foot and swinging her head to the side with the change in the beat. Feeling the rhythm course through her soles and up into her hips, she danced her way across the deck towards Coley, who sat in the dining room window. Pointing the makeshift microphone at her cat, she giggled when Coley let out a sleepy meow in place of the next line.She planted a kiss on Coley's forehead and scratched behind her ears, before returning to the job at hand.The brush glided over the weatherboards, the fresh coat of sunshine yellow she applied popping against the aged mustard beneath it. With the sun high in the sky, and the melody of scents that washed over her, compliments of the gerbera daisies and lobelia planted in her garden, it was the perfect day to work on the exterior. Besides, she could have used the fresh air after three days cooped up, an
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Ashlyn's stomach sank, and her heart plummeted. Swallowing was hard, and drawing air harder as she snapped her head in Derek's direction, eyes wide. There was a stuttering in her chest and a tremble to her lips as she tried to process what was happening. She couldn't be here.She fumbled with the button on her seatbelt, needing to be free from its restraint. After three attempts, it released and snapped back against the window. Leaning forward, she placed her elbows on her knees and gasped for air.Only then did he glance her way, his eyes glassy from his tears or her own, she couldn't tell.His phone vibrated again, and she knew without checking, it would be Zion. They'd set her up, and because she cared, she'd fallen for it.She looked to the building again, then back to Derek with a slight shake of her head. A bubble popped between her lips when she opened her mouth to utter a silent please.Derek's eyes pleaded where his words could not. Reaching across the space between them
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A duck quacked, startling Ashlyn. Releasing Derek's hand, she twisted her fingers into the hem of her shorts, her feet rooted to the patch of grass where she stood.Guilt flickered across his features as he turned to look back at her, his mask not covering it quick enough. Turning back, he stopped in front of her, his hands awkward at his side. Had it been any other day, she would have taken his hands and sat with him there by the pond. Feather soft fingertips would have traced the lines of his palm and caressed his fingers as they curled around hers. But today wasn't that day.Swallowing back the acidic regret that burned its way up her throat, Ashlyn sank to her knees in front of Derek. Tucking her legs beneath her, a hairsbreadth stood between them. Neither of them dared to cross that invisible line.Twisting her fingers in her lap, Ashlyn watched her hands, afraid of what looking at him might do to her heart. Those few seconds it took to cross the street, her hand clasped in his
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What happened with Liam, Derek? I need to know. Ashlyn gulped, her hands sweating as she twisted them in her lap. She needed to understand what made him beat himself up like this, what it was he needed saving from.For a few minutes, they sat in silence, his fingers continuing to work the soil. The cords of muscle in his arms tightened against the hidden battle he fought while he consulted his demons, and his breathing was labored, interrupted by a round of sniffs.Ashlyn's heart thundered in her chest, and her temple pulsed with the beginnings of a headache. The silence and the waiting were torturous. She was about to give up, walk away when a small voice spoke—a ghost of a whisper."He was sick."She almost didn't hear him as he spoke to his hands tangled around the blades of grass. Shifting her weight, Ashlyn moved a little closer. Derek sat, his knees bent in front of him, his head tilted forward beneath a guilty conscience's weight. Filling the space at his side, Ashlyn posit
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Grief rose and fell between them with each expelled breath. Evidence of their mutual heartbreak and pain danced upon dewy lashes, sinking into the cracked facades of contorted features.Ashlyn's hands continued to massage his arms, gently rocking him to the lullaby of her steady beating heart. His words had moved her, the wounds of his guilt raw and inflamed from the attention he'd paid them. She saw his hurt, and she saw his pain, and she wanted nothing more than to take that away from him. But all she had were her assurances, and they'd proven futile against the rigid walls he'd erected around himself.Pulling back from her embrace, Derek reached up to cup her cheeks and pressed his forehead to hers. His breath was a gentle caress upon her tight cheeks, the last of her tears running from the warm breeze."I couldn't save my best friend, but I can still save you." He spoke much too softly for the swift jab delivered to her stomach at his words.Leaning back, Ashlyn shook her head
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Turning the card between her fingers, Ashlyn watched the name upon it blur beneath the early morning sun. She wasn't sure how long she'd sat there, vision focused on the bleeding letters and numbers. At least three hazelnut lattes long.Peace had not been kind to her in sleep. Fitful gasps and restless thoughts had been her bed companion, taking up more space than she'd been prepared to offer. When the steady purr of a sleeping Coley and the sleeping tablet she'd taken hadn't been enough to silence her mind, Ashlyn set up camp at the dining table, armed with a pen, a notepad, and the dreaded business card.When the moon had bid farewell, and the sun had risen from its slumber to kiss the morning dew, a pro and cons list had stared back at Ashlyn. That same list which weighed on her mind at that moment, the card completing another turn upon her fingertips.Chewing on her bottom lip, she dropped the card and took the weary pen. The pen hovered over the page for a moment, before red i
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What if We Drown Epilogue
"Where are you taking me?" Derek's laughter carried on the sea breeze while he ran, hand in hand with Ashlyn, down the boulevard.The smile in Ashlyn's cheeks was enchanting, her heart swelling beyond its confines until it illuminated every facet of her expression. A childlike joy danced upon her lips, her giggles falling back to meet him as she turned to glance his way.'You'll see,' the glint in her eyes said. Squeezing his hand tighter, she continued to run, every fragment of fear and every splinter of doubt falling behind her, the remains of the walls she'd nursed for years crumbling like dust beneath her canvas shoes.Her steps continued to carry them through streets lit by twilight, the breath in her lungs escaping with a giggle when she stumbled on a crack in the pavement. Catching her waist, Derek pulled her back against his chest, his hands resting on her hips."Are you going to tell me why we're in such a rush?" His breath was hot, his lips teasing as they brushed the si
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For him to have been friends with you, I know I'd have loved him too. She squeezed Derek's hand, the two of them falling into a moment of silence, before Derek squeezed her hand in return."What happened to Liam, and what happened to your father, those things were out of our control. They weren't our fault."Ashlyn hesitated for a moment before nodding. That was something her and Lana had been working on during their last session. But hearing Derek mention it now, she felt a familiar pang in her chest, the battle of her heart versus her mind silently brewing.It wasn't our fault, she repeated, as much for her own sake as for his."I've been living in this world of what if, dwelling on all the ways that I could have saved him while neglecting to live in the world I'm in right now. Sitting there amidst the wilting posies and tears at Liam's grave, I was finally able to forgive myself, and Liam, for what happened."Derek turned to Ashlyn with a sad smile, the light in his eyes shini
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Derek's apartment hadn't changed since the last time she'd been there. Scattered books with bent spines and dog-eared pages claimed the living space, and the woolen blanket was still draped over the arm of the sofa where she'd left it.Her favorite thing, however, was the scent of crisp green apple that still clung to the air, wrapping itself around Ashlyn as she fell back against the couch, exhausted despite the 24 hours she'd just spent in a hospital bed.His home still feels like a home, she thought, her eyes wandering around the room. A fresh wave of relief washed over her, the state of his apartment a welcome reminder that he'd meant it when he'd said he wouldn't leave her.You never unpacked? Ashlyn asked, her head tilted towards the two duffel bags beside the front door.Placing two glasses of water on the coffee table, Derek scooched into the space at her side, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa so he could play with her hair."I never had the time. This is the
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How? Her heart questioned, her eyes wide with wonder."When I heard that voice and felt it whisper in my heart, the only thing I thought of was you." His chest rose and fell as he stole a glance in her direction. "But that's crazy, right? I mean, I've never heard your voice, and it's not like Siren's exist." He gave a nervous chuckle. A sound escaped Ashlyn's lip, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, and she felt her eyes begin to prickle with tears.He had no idea what the words he'd just said meant, or how true it was. By some unknown magic, his name, her final plea, had carried to his ears and called to him. Her heart had called, and he had answered. Like a Siren. She giggled at the absurdity, and yet the possibility of it all, her cheeks burning when he turned to gaze at her with wonderment."Here I am telling you something crazy and impossible, and yet, you're the one blushing and crying." His laughter was hearty and amused as his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, catching ev
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A familiar beep broke through the silence, and Ashlyn winced at the sound that fell upon her ears. Her eyelids fluttered, cracking to allow the light of day into the darkness she left behind. Her blinks were quick at first while she adjusted to the sunlight streaming through the window, the sky a stark contrast to the night from whence she'd come.The window was closed, but as she watched the streak of ocean waver against the horizon, she could almost taste it lingering in the back of her throat.Flashes of white wisps and mermaids tails, her father's grim expression, and the grey-blue tempest that she'd wrestled flickered behind her eyes, and her heart picked up its pace. The fog over her memories lifted, and with sudden clarity, the aches in her body and the sandpaper feeling at the back of her throat made sense.What was I thinking? She raised her hand to her temple in an attempt to massage the memories and mortification away.Her gaze roamed over the assembly of monitors and m
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The sea. Angry and unrelenting. Dangerous.It rolled again, jostling her head. Ashlyn bit back a whimper and squinted as another body wrapped in an emergency blanket wavered on the deck before her. Upright and leaning against the side, the body shifted as she tracked their outstretched legs, slowly trying to piece together the scene before her. Her heart hammered in her chest, her gaze roaming over their chest, moving towards their face when something blocked her view.Exhaling, her eyes continued to roll around the space, tracking the activity upon the deck, in an attempt to gather her bearings.Shifting his weight, the man at her side leaned forward, the back of his head creating an umbrella of sorts from the unrelenting rain, while he held his finger between both their faces. Focusing all of her energy on that single digit, Ashlyn brought her attention back to him, tracking his finger as it moved from the left to the right.A small smile of relief lifted his lips, and a trickle
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All around her was a stillness and peace unheard of, as she drifted upon the grey-blue tempest, while laces of white tickled her nose and her lashes, teasing and tantalizing, singing to the breath within her lungs.Squinting through the prickly haze, Ashlyn rose and fell with the ocean's deep breath, her limbs moving in a hypnotic dance under its command. Her gaze roamed the deep expanse, her sense of direction ceasing to exist amidst the tendrils of fire that floated around her face.My sweet daughter, the ocean cooed, its arms reaching out to cradle and caress. Enveloped in its tight embrace, Ashlyn felt herself falling deeper into its touch and the promises it whispered over her mind. Home at last. The ocean's voice tickled at the edges of consciousness, and Ashlyn blinked.Wisps of white and silver danced upon the waters, the shape of memories forming and reforming with each flutter of her lashes. Children ran towards the tides, kicking and splashing at the waves that kissed th
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The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
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Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
