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What if We Drown 69
"Ash, hey. Listen to my voice, feel my hands in yours. You're going to be okay." Zion's voice was leveled and calm, even though he was only eleven.Her hands tightened around his, her nails biting into the back of his hands, but never once did he complain."Good. You're doing great. Now, I want you to tell me five things that you can see." Slowly, Zion let go of Ashlyn's hands and waited for her answer. His eyes never left hers.The way that he looked at her, with loving concern, caused an aching in her chest.Unable to bear looking at him, she closed her eyes, regretting the maturity she asked of him. It wasn't fair that while other kids his age were out playing war or baseball on the field, Zion was sitting beneath the tree, coaching his older sister through some grounding exercises he'd learned online. And all because someone had been bullying him for having her for a sister.Her mind circled, the guilt, and the shame she felt warring behind closed lids. The acceleration in he
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Hope was like a wildflower in her chest, blooming despite and thriving because.Emotionally spent, Ashlyn laid amongst the flowers, her eyes slowly closing as she found solace in the memories of Derek that danced behind her lids. The gentleness with which he touched her and held her, the way he scrunched his nose when in deep thought. The rumblings of his laughter when he threw caution to the wind and let the moment guide him, that cheeky dimple that teased the borders of his kindly smiles.She remembered that night in his kitchen cooking lasagne while he'd belted out Ricky Martin songs, not caring in the least that he was off-key, and dancing awkwardly in the markets with the brightest smile she'd ever seen. In those moments, he hadn't cared about making a good impression or concerned himself with what others might have thought. He was unapologetically one hundred percent himself. Always.That was one of the things she liked about him most.The butterflies in Ashlyn's stomach flu
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Ashlyn's smile wavered at the surprise in his voice.Derek, noticing how his voice must have sounded, shook his head, and leaned against the door with a relieved smile."Sorry, I wasn't expecting to see you so soon," he breathed, his eyes fluttering as he blinked in disbelief.Ashlyn's shoulders dropped in relief, and the corners of her smile lifted with the rush of confidence she felt. He wasn't disappointed to see her, merely surprised. This fact made her feel more at ease.Biting the inside of her lip, Ashlyn held the pizzas out to him.Before Derek could respond, a little body pushed their way under his arm and jumped in front of him."Pizza!" Poppy squealed, her eyes following up Ashlyn's body, to the pizzas she held, then her face. The smile that split Poppy's cheeks grew tenfold as she started to jump up and down, her head ramming into Derek's stomach with each jump."Ashlyn! Yay. Yay. Yay!" Poppy continued to squeal in excitement, a new yay spoken for each jump."I wan
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With an innocent smile cast in Derek's direction, Ashlyn slyly hooked her foot around his chair leg and pulled, the pepperoni slice falling to the floor as he steadied himself.Poppy and Sage roared with laughter as Ashlyn covered her mouth in a mockery of surprise. But Derek wasn't fooled. His eyes narrowed, squinting with his accusation."You cheated," Derek spoke low enough that only she heard. Despite the seriousness of his tone, humor danced within his eyes.Ashlyn merely shrugged, that innocent smile still boasting upon her lips as she reached down to pick up the slice before the oils could stain the floor.Tossing the slice onto her plate, Ashlyn almost choked on air when she saw first Poppy, then Sage, with pizza crusts hanging precariously over their glasses of milk, cheeky grins plastered on their faces."Alright, you two. That's enough," Lorraine interrupted as they began to dunk the crusts into the milk. The glasses were gone almost immediately, and two face cloths we
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A heavy sigh escaped her lips, and Ashlyn walked towards the living room, her hand tangling in her hair. Before she made it to the sofa, she turned suddenly on Derek.I thought I knew how to say what I wanted to say. I've been thinking about this, about us all afternoon. But no words seem right to explain how I feel, and I just... Her hands moved in a flurry, and she was sure that Derek wouldn't have caught many of them. She felt frustrated. Why did the words have to be so complicated to find?She turned on the spot again and fell onto the sofa with a huff. Her hands covered her face, her fingertips massaging her temple to kickstart the part of her brain responsible for the emotions that had all too willingly plagued her earlier.The sofa dipped beside her, a shoulder bumping against hers. Firm hands covered Ashlyn's and pulled them away from her face. Tucking her hands inside of his own, Derek shifted so that he faced her."We do this at your pace, remember? I'm not going anywher
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When she was done, her palm rested against his chest, the steady beating of his heart beneath it accelerating the longer her hand remained. Hot breath stirred in her bangs, shaking with each exhale.She leaned her head back, her cheek resting against his shoulder and smiled up at Derek. His heated gaze looked down on her, and his lips parted slightly with the air she stole from his lungs. Ever so gently, he raised the arm that she rested on and reached around her shoulders, tucking her against his side. He rested his chin on top of her head.Under the weight of his chin, held in the comfort of his embrace, Ashlyn felt whole and at peace. She burrowed in closer, her hand remaining over his chest, her cheek pressed close to his heart. The sound of his heart which beat with his love for her and the gentle caress of his fingers against her shoulder washed over her, like a cleansing wave. Suddenly everything she wanted to say to him, everything she felt for him was crystal clear again, t
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Kissing Derek was like tasting the ocean for the first time; terrifying yet exhilarating, a little bit salty, but most of all, it was revitalizing.Gentle fingers grazed upon the surface of his stubble, his jaw tensing at her touch. Fine hairs itched in contrast with the smooth ridges of his lips that cautiously greeted hers.It was a simple kiss, the taste of hazelnut, and his love upon his lips. But by that simple act, the tingling of every nerve ending in her lips and her fingertips inspired an awakening in Ashlyn, a dawning of the emotions she'd suppressed for so long.The attraction, the hope, and the joy that she felt towards Derek had culminated into that one moment. A bubbling spring that spilled over the banks that contained it, until everything that she touched knew of the feelings which possessed her. Each breath and each beat of her heart spoke of the emotions long unsung.There was uncertainty and caution in the tension of Derek's shoulders when one of her hands dropp
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Ashlyn's hand brushed around his neck, then traced down his torso, feeling every dip and curve of muscle that flexed beneath her palm, while her other hand absently twisted the hair at the nape of his neck. She admired everything about this man.Derek's fingers traced the side of her face before sinking into the hair at her forehead. Twisting one of the curls around his index finger, his fingertips brushed over the scar at her temple, and Ashlyn's heart stopped.Gasping, she pulled away, his scar brushing over hers.Her chest heaved with heavy breaths, her heart beating like a drum in the morning air, and her mind spun from the intoxication of his kiss paired with the sudden realization of what was happening. Suddenly, she felt nauseous. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to block out the swiftly flashing frames of fire, lightning, and walls crumbling that assaulted her mind.This extra addition to the emotions that already consumed her was overwhelming. Forcing herself to take de
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What if We Drown Epilogue
"Where are you taking me?" Derek's laughter carried on the sea breeze while he ran, hand in hand with Ashlyn, down the boulevard.The smile in Ashlyn's cheeks was enchanting, her heart swelling beyond its confines until it illuminated every facet of her expression. A childlike joy danced upon her lips, her giggles falling back to meet him as she turned to glance his way.'You'll see,' the glint in her eyes said. Squeezing his hand tighter, she continued to run, every fragment of fear and every splinter of doubt falling behind her, the remains of the walls she'd nursed for years crumbling like dust beneath her canvas shoes.Her steps continued to carry them through streets lit by twilight, the breath in her lungs escaping with a giggle when she stumbled on a crack in the pavement. Catching her waist, Derek pulled her back against his chest, his hands resting on her hips."Are you going to tell me why we're in such a rush?" His breath was hot, his lips teasing as they brushed the si
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For him to have been friends with you, I know I'd have loved him too. She squeezed Derek's hand, the two of them falling into a moment of silence, before Derek squeezed her hand in return."What happened to Liam, and what happened to your father, those things were out of our control. They weren't our fault."Ashlyn hesitated for a moment before nodding. That was something her and Lana had been working on during their last session. But hearing Derek mention it now, she felt a familiar pang in her chest, the battle of her heart versus her mind silently brewing.It wasn't our fault, she repeated, as much for her own sake as for his."I've been living in this world of what if, dwelling on all the ways that I could have saved him while neglecting to live in the world I'm in right now. Sitting there amidst the wilting posies and tears at Liam's grave, I was finally able to forgive myself, and Liam, for what happened."Derek turned to Ashlyn with a sad smile, the light in his eyes shini
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Derek's apartment hadn't changed since the last time she'd been there. Scattered books with bent spines and dog-eared pages claimed the living space, and the woolen blanket was still draped over the arm of the sofa where she'd left it.Her favorite thing, however, was the scent of crisp green apple that still clung to the air, wrapping itself around Ashlyn as she fell back against the couch, exhausted despite the 24 hours she'd just spent in a hospital bed.His home still feels like a home, she thought, her eyes wandering around the room. A fresh wave of relief washed over her, the state of his apartment a welcome reminder that he'd meant it when he'd said he wouldn't leave her.You never unpacked? Ashlyn asked, her head tilted towards the two duffel bags beside the front door.Placing two glasses of water on the coffee table, Derek scooched into the space at her side, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa so he could play with her hair."I never had the time. This is the
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How? Her heart questioned, her eyes wide with wonder."When I heard that voice and felt it whisper in my heart, the only thing I thought of was you." His chest rose and fell as he stole a glance in her direction. "But that's crazy, right? I mean, I've never heard your voice, and it's not like Siren's exist." He gave a nervous chuckle. A sound escaped Ashlyn's lip, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, and she felt her eyes begin to prickle with tears.He had no idea what the words he'd just said meant, or how true it was. By some unknown magic, his name, her final plea, had carried to his ears and called to him. Her heart had called, and he had answered. Like a Siren. She giggled at the absurdity, and yet the possibility of it all, her cheeks burning when he turned to gaze at her with wonderment."Here I am telling you something crazy and impossible, and yet, you're the one blushing and crying." His laughter was hearty and amused as his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, catching ev
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A familiar beep broke through the silence, and Ashlyn winced at the sound that fell upon her ears. Her eyelids fluttered, cracking to allow the light of day into the darkness she left behind. Her blinks were quick at first while she adjusted to the sunlight streaming through the window, the sky a stark contrast to the night from whence she'd come.The window was closed, but as she watched the streak of ocean waver against the horizon, she could almost taste it lingering in the back of her throat.Flashes of white wisps and mermaids tails, her father's grim expression, and the grey-blue tempest that she'd wrestled flickered behind her eyes, and her heart picked up its pace. The fog over her memories lifted, and with sudden clarity, the aches in her body and the sandpaper feeling at the back of her throat made sense.What was I thinking? She raised her hand to her temple in an attempt to massage the memories and mortification away.Her gaze roamed over the assembly of monitors and m
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The sea. Angry and unrelenting. Dangerous.It rolled again, jostling her head. Ashlyn bit back a whimper and squinted as another body wrapped in an emergency blanket wavered on the deck before her. Upright and leaning against the side, the body shifted as she tracked their outstretched legs, slowly trying to piece together the scene before her. Her heart hammered in her chest, her gaze roaming over their chest, moving towards their face when something blocked her view.Exhaling, her eyes continued to roll around the space, tracking the activity upon the deck, in an attempt to gather her bearings.Shifting his weight, the man at her side leaned forward, the back of his head creating an umbrella of sorts from the unrelenting rain, while he held his finger between both their faces. Focusing all of her energy on that single digit, Ashlyn brought her attention back to him, tracking his finger as it moved from the left to the right.A small smile of relief lifted his lips, and a trickle
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All around her was a stillness and peace unheard of, as she drifted upon the grey-blue tempest, while laces of white tickled her nose and her lashes, teasing and tantalizing, singing to the breath within her lungs.Squinting through the prickly haze, Ashlyn rose and fell with the ocean's deep breath, her limbs moving in a hypnotic dance under its command. Her gaze roamed the deep expanse, her sense of direction ceasing to exist amidst the tendrils of fire that floated around her face.My sweet daughter, the ocean cooed, its arms reaching out to cradle and caress. Enveloped in its tight embrace, Ashlyn felt herself falling deeper into its touch and the promises it whispered over her mind. Home at last. The ocean's voice tickled at the edges of consciousness, and Ashlyn blinked.Wisps of white and silver danced upon the waters, the shape of memories forming and reforming with each flutter of her lashes. Children ran towards the tides, kicking and splashing at the waves that kissed th
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The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
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Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
