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What if We Drown 26
Ashlyn shook her head, courage pushing her on towards the truth."What do you mean, no? Of course you'd be safe here, with your family." Ashlyn could hear the irritation rising in her mother's voice. Ashlyn took a deep breath and let go of her mother's hand. Please, Lord, give me strength; she sent up a silent prayer.I couldn't come here because you suffocate me, mom. She opened her mouth to retaliate, but Ashlyn silenced her, gesturing in a circle, her fists coming together. I needed space to think and figure out how I was supposed to talk to you."I... I suffocate you? What are you talking about, Ashlyn?" Her tone was disbelieving, and Ashlyn noted an ounce of defensiveness. Just say it. You can do this, Ashlyn thought.I know you don't approve of me speaking in ASL, Ashlyn answered, her hand clenching twice before forming an L at the end. And it hurts. Every time that you look at me that way or imply that I'm broken. It hurts me, mom.Silence filled the room; the burden Ashly
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Bumper's breath smelt strongly of chicken and something else when he jumped up and trailed his tongue across Ashlyn's face. Laughing, Ashlyn tried to push the golden retriever away so she could enter the house, but he kept up his incessant grooming."Bumper, what are y—" Kass rounded the corner and came to a stop when she saw Ashlyn and Zion standing in the doorway. There were smudges of dirt on her face and pieces of grass in Kass' hair. It looked as though it had been an eventful morning on Bumper watch."It's about time you two got here." Kass rolled her eyes playfully in exaggeration, a bag of dog food in one hand, a dog leash in the other."Do you wanna go for a run, boy?" Zion asked, scratching Bumper behind the ears."Already done." Kass grinned, hanging the dog leash on the hook beside the door. "Got to keep our boy in shape for all the ladies." She winked. Kass then launched into a story about their time at the park earlier that morning and all the dogs that had followed
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Midday at the hospital on a Saturday was a disaster waiting to happen. Visitors moved carelessly about the confined spaces, talking over one another in the hope that their concerns would be heard. Doctors and nursing staff tried to maneuver around the waiting families, reading off of charts, and answering questions that arose.Someone stepped on Ashlyn's foot as she tried to squeeze past a group of ladies who were typing on their phones. She turned and moved her fist in a circular motion over her chest, an apology, but the culprit was already gone. She didn't have time to worry about it, however, as Zion reached back to grab her hand and pulled her from the crowd of people."That was chaotic." Zion chuckled. Ashlyn let his hand go to respond.I wonder why it's so busy, Ashlyn pondered, glancing over her shoulder, and almost tripping when the toe of her canvas shoe caught on the linoleum. Zion reached out to steady her before she could fall forward."Woah. Easy does it. Don't want
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"You two, stop flirting. We've got work to do." Kass clapped her hands twice, interrupting Derek and Zion's conversation about the basketball game the night before, and who they believed was the real MVP. Ashlyn giggled under her breath.Kass was in director mode, commanding everyone like marionette puppets, directing them this way and that. For the first hour, the spectacle had gone ahead as planned, but now it seemed some lines had crossed over, creating the unscripted chaos the boys now partook in."Marcus!" She growled, slapping his forearm. "Put down the damn balloon. El tonto!" Marcus let go of the gold balloon he'd been sucking on, and it flitted around the room, the helium from inside blowing it this way and that. Ashlyn ducked as it swept over her head. The men in the room erupted in a chorus of laughter, one more high pitched than the others.Kass, however, remained unimpressed as she walked over to the corner where Ashlyn stood, massaging her temples."It's so hard to
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For the rest of the trip, Ashlyn stole glances of the peace he wore, certain she'd never checked a wing mirror more than she did in that one short trip. Even with his eyes closed, the magic he commanded did not dwindle, the pull of his smile still as strong. With each secret glance, she was confident that the next time, she would not be capable of escaping its depths. By the time Ashlyn pulled up to the curb and parked in the loading zone, her heart was putty within her chest, his smile the hand that would mold it. She turned to Derek and bit her thumbnail, trying to figure out how she would tell him of the plan. His eyelids fluttered, and she had to glance away quickly before he caught her staring. Bumper pushed his head between them with anticipation; no doubt sensing Abel was nearby. "I'll wait here with Bumper. You go and find Abel." Derek smiled, relieving her from her nail-biting. Her heart fluttered. Ashlyn wore a smile of gratitude, hoping that it didn't betray the flutters
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The room was a riot of regal colors. Metallic fractals of light glittered upon the vinyl floors, bouncing from the balloons floating above, and the streamers moved rhythmically in the breeze, creating shapes and a blend of colors that tickled Ashlyn's heart.She turned and held out a hand to Abel. With a look of puzzlement, he took her hand and stepped towards her. His legs buckled when he saw his living room, and Derek quickly caught his other arm. Held up between the two of them, Abel took in the display before him."I...I...wh..." Ashlyn squeezed his hand as Abel struggled to formulate any words. Abel turned watery eyes on her, and Ashlyn smiled back, everything she felt towards this man pouring into that one expression."Welcome home, Abel," Derek whispered, his voice catching. Abel let go of Ashlyn's hand and brushed the residue from his cheeks, before taking her hand firmly in his again. She watched as his eyes took it all in, her heart swelling with love."Did you do this?"
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It took her a moment to realize that all eyes, except for one pair, were on her, expectant. Was it her turn to share already? With a deep breath, she raised her hands.I know that I'm not always the best at showing my thanks, she signed, her eyes still fixed on the fire before her.Abel spoke softly as he put a voice to the words she spoke, for Derek and Marcus' benefit.At some point or another, I've pushed you all away..."...and though I meant it at the time to protect myself..."I have never felt more safe or protected than when I've had each of you by my side..."...You support me..."You love me..."...you give me hope, and I can't thank you enough..." Ashlyn felt his eyes on her before she looked up. Derek stared through the flames, his piercing gaze interrupting her train of thought. She was at a loss for words, her hands falling to her lap.Murmured 'I love yous' echoed around Ashlyn, and she smiled simply, her focus not fully invested in the gesture. She turned to M
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They didn't speak again that night.Ashlyn had taken the Monday off work to spend the day with her mother and Zion in the city, a decision that she was still uncertain had been the right call. Walking around Portland while her mother window shopped, and Zion prattled on about the price of diapers, she'd expected to be distracted from her thoughts. But instead, the outing only made her more hyper-aware of such thoughts, and she couldn't get Liam, or Derek's face the night before, out of her head.By the time the party had migrated indoors, Ashlyn's tears had run dry, her heart was a shambles, and the back of her throat tasted distinctly of green apple.She still wasn't sure how long the two of them had sat on the porch, long enough for the crickets to begin their song, and the fireflies to respond in dance. But she knew that the fragility of the moment would soon be lost. The emotions born would be retracted, the connection they'd shared, broken.The thought of such filled Ashlyn w
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What if We Drown Epilogue
"Where are you taking me?" Derek's laughter carried on the sea breeze while he ran, hand in hand with Ashlyn, down the boulevard.The smile in Ashlyn's cheeks was enchanting, her heart swelling beyond its confines until it illuminated every facet of her expression. A childlike joy danced upon her lips, her giggles falling back to meet him as she turned to glance his way.'You'll see,' the glint in her eyes said. Squeezing his hand tighter, she continued to run, every fragment of fear and every splinter of doubt falling behind her, the remains of the walls she'd nursed for years crumbling like dust beneath her canvas shoes.Her steps continued to carry them through streets lit by twilight, the breath in her lungs escaping with a giggle when she stumbled on a crack in the pavement. Catching her waist, Derek pulled her back against his chest, his hands resting on her hips."Are you going to tell me why we're in such a rush?" His breath was hot, his lips teasing as they brushed the si
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For him to have been friends with you, I know I'd have loved him too. She squeezed Derek's hand, the two of them falling into a moment of silence, before Derek squeezed her hand in return."What happened to Liam, and what happened to your father, those things were out of our control. They weren't our fault."Ashlyn hesitated for a moment before nodding. That was something her and Lana had been working on during their last session. But hearing Derek mention it now, she felt a familiar pang in her chest, the battle of her heart versus her mind silently brewing.It wasn't our fault, she repeated, as much for her own sake as for his."I've been living in this world of what if, dwelling on all the ways that I could have saved him while neglecting to live in the world I'm in right now. Sitting there amidst the wilting posies and tears at Liam's grave, I was finally able to forgive myself, and Liam, for what happened."Derek turned to Ashlyn with a sad smile, the light in his eyes shini
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Derek's apartment hadn't changed since the last time she'd been there. Scattered books with bent spines and dog-eared pages claimed the living space, and the woolen blanket was still draped over the arm of the sofa where she'd left it.Her favorite thing, however, was the scent of crisp green apple that still clung to the air, wrapping itself around Ashlyn as she fell back against the couch, exhausted despite the 24 hours she'd just spent in a hospital bed.His home still feels like a home, she thought, her eyes wandering around the room. A fresh wave of relief washed over her, the state of his apartment a welcome reminder that he'd meant it when he'd said he wouldn't leave her.You never unpacked? Ashlyn asked, her head tilted towards the two duffel bags beside the front door.Placing two glasses of water on the coffee table, Derek scooched into the space at her side, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa so he could play with her hair."I never had the time. This is the
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How? Her heart questioned, her eyes wide with wonder."When I heard that voice and felt it whisper in my heart, the only thing I thought of was you." His chest rose and fell as he stole a glance in her direction. "But that's crazy, right? I mean, I've never heard your voice, and it's not like Siren's exist." He gave a nervous chuckle. A sound escaped Ashlyn's lip, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, and she felt her eyes begin to prickle with tears.He had no idea what the words he'd just said meant, or how true it was. By some unknown magic, his name, her final plea, had carried to his ears and called to him. Her heart had called, and he had answered. Like a Siren. She giggled at the absurdity, and yet the possibility of it all, her cheeks burning when he turned to gaze at her with wonderment."Here I am telling you something crazy and impossible, and yet, you're the one blushing and crying." His laughter was hearty and amused as his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, catching ev
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A familiar beep broke through the silence, and Ashlyn winced at the sound that fell upon her ears. Her eyelids fluttered, cracking to allow the light of day into the darkness she left behind. Her blinks were quick at first while she adjusted to the sunlight streaming through the window, the sky a stark contrast to the night from whence she'd come.The window was closed, but as she watched the streak of ocean waver against the horizon, she could almost taste it lingering in the back of her throat.Flashes of white wisps and mermaids tails, her father's grim expression, and the grey-blue tempest that she'd wrestled flickered behind her eyes, and her heart picked up its pace. The fog over her memories lifted, and with sudden clarity, the aches in her body and the sandpaper feeling at the back of her throat made sense.What was I thinking? She raised her hand to her temple in an attempt to massage the memories and mortification away.Her gaze roamed over the assembly of monitors and m
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The sea. Angry and unrelenting. Dangerous.It rolled again, jostling her head. Ashlyn bit back a whimper and squinted as another body wrapped in an emergency blanket wavered on the deck before her. Upright and leaning against the side, the body shifted as she tracked their outstretched legs, slowly trying to piece together the scene before her. Her heart hammered in her chest, her gaze roaming over their chest, moving towards their face when something blocked her view.Exhaling, her eyes continued to roll around the space, tracking the activity upon the deck, in an attempt to gather her bearings.Shifting his weight, the man at her side leaned forward, the back of his head creating an umbrella of sorts from the unrelenting rain, while he held his finger between both their faces. Focusing all of her energy on that single digit, Ashlyn brought her attention back to him, tracking his finger as it moved from the left to the right.A small smile of relief lifted his lips, and a trickle
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All around her was a stillness and peace unheard of, as she drifted upon the grey-blue tempest, while laces of white tickled her nose and her lashes, teasing and tantalizing, singing to the breath within her lungs.Squinting through the prickly haze, Ashlyn rose and fell with the ocean's deep breath, her limbs moving in a hypnotic dance under its command. Her gaze roamed the deep expanse, her sense of direction ceasing to exist amidst the tendrils of fire that floated around her face.My sweet daughter, the ocean cooed, its arms reaching out to cradle and caress. Enveloped in its tight embrace, Ashlyn felt herself falling deeper into its touch and the promises it whispered over her mind. Home at last. The ocean's voice tickled at the edges of consciousness, and Ashlyn blinked.Wisps of white and silver danced upon the waters, the shape of memories forming and reforming with each flutter of her lashes. Children ran towards the tides, kicking and splashing at the waves that kissed th
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The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
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Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
