1. Viktor - 13 Years Old

I sift through my memories, and when I see the place I end up in, I let out a big sigh. Of all the places to end up in, it’s 13-year-old Viktor’s memories.

A loud crash from downstairs woke me from my sleep, and when I opened my eyes, and strained my ears. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not. 

I’ve always been the cautious one out of my brothers; the ‘think first, act later’ type. Konstantin always mocked me for this, but then again, he’s the hot-headed one. So, me being me, I got out of bed to make sure it truly was a dream.

We usually live in the mansion at the estate, but because of Kai’s ceremony that night, our parents had us sleeping here at the penthouse for the evening. Back then, I wasn’t sure what the ceremony was about, but I would come to learn its importance later on. 

I watched as 13-year-old Viktor cleared his throat and straightened his back before walking downstairs, then I let out a laugh at how stiff I truly looked back then. No wonder Konstantin always used to tease me so much.

Following him, I watch as he walks out onto the landing, only to crouch by the staircase banister when we hear the voices of Kai and Kon downstairs. I sit down next to him, knowing exactly what it was I had overheard.

“It’s not your fault, brother-”

“How can you say that?! I am covered in their blood, Konstantin! I’ve killed them all!” 

I can literally hear my own heart beating faster when I hear my brother’s words, then he sneaks a peek through the banister and slaps a hand over his mouth. I don’t even need to look to know what 13-year-old Viktor saw, because I can still see it clear as day.

Konstantin was holding Kai; my older brother’s body was covered in blood, his long blonde hair matted with gore. I didn’t know at the time that it was my mother’s blood, or the entire coven’s… or rather, I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it. 

I can feel my brother’s misery from here, and so could the younger version of me. He’s clutching his chest and tries to level his breathing, but it doesn’t seem to be working at all. 

“We’ll sort this out, okay? We’ll call the Elders in Russia, we’ll tell them what happened. Maybe they’ll take this seriously now,” Konstantin tries to comfort a weeping Kai while looking shocked himself. “Let's get you cleaned up, okay? We can speak about this tomorrow.”

Somehow, seeing my usually stoic brother broken like this makes my heart break for him. The absolute guilt he must have felt at this moment, and still continued to feel. We never went back to the mansion after this, and I completely understand Kai’s decision not to go back. 

Thirteen-year-old Viktor sees them walking towards the staircase and scurries to get back in bed, but in his rush to get away, he doesn't see the dark shadow slinking around the corner towards his brother’s room. 

The witch targeted Dimitri from a young age; it seems. I wonder what made her decide to go with Dimitri and not our more vulnerable younger brother, Nikolai. But then again, Nikolai has the Volkov temper - whatever parasite was implanted in Dimitri would have wreaked havoc in Nikolai.

I sigh and follow my younger self into the bedroom where he’s gotten into bed. He’s staring up at the ceiling with tears glistening in his eyes as he replays the conversation he’s just heard. 

My eyes grow wide when I see my younger self placing his palms over his eyes and crying silently, then he says something I don’t ever recall myself saying. 

“Please…please let me help my brothers,” he whimpers in the dark in the miserable words of a child. “I’m too weak to do anything to help the pack, too sensitive to be of any use to anyone. Please, Xamnir, please make me stronger!”

My mouth is hanging open as I watch him beg for our Wolf God to help him, but knowing what I know about our God now, there is no way he would lend his power to a young boy struggling with an internal battle. 

It hurts to look at myself like this, weak and fighting my own mind. Thirteen was around the time I started to struggle with my sexuality, not knowing what I liked and what I was supposed to like. 

Konstantin was always bringing girls from the pack school back to the forest behind the mansion, and Dimitri had a crush on his best friend, Zofia. Even Nikolai was a little ladies’ man at grade school. 

But me? I never looked at girls in that way. When I found one of Konstantin’s dirty magazines and he gloated about the ‘jugs on this one’ while pointing to the centerfold, I didn’t find it alluring. 

I wondered if there was something wrong with me because none of my brothers seemed to be struggling with this. Kai wasn’t exactly around much; he was training in Russia with my father. I always wanted to speak to him about it, because he seemed to be the only one of my brothers who I could trust at the time.

I didn’t know what it meant to be queer; I didn’t even know it was a thing until I turned sixteen and I had my Mate Bond Sighting click with the boy who was my best friend. Although we both initially fought the Mate Bond, neither of us wanted to reject the other.

Ilya was my safe space; he understood me and didn’t judge me when I came out to him about my feelings. He admitted that he felt confused at times too, but couldn’t act on it since he and Vanya are the only ones left of their pack and he needs to carry on their name.

It hadn’t occurred to me at the time that Ilya and Vanya never grew up in the pack. I think all of us somehow forgot that they were outsiders initially. But I do remember now how Dimitri brought them to Kai after “finding them outside the pack gates.”

Younger me falls asleep while crying, his tear-streaked cheeks glistening in the star-shaped fairy lights above the bed. I’m about to leave and head to another memory when I see an amber light in the distance. 

I step back towards the door, watching the scene in front of me with wide eyes: Goddess Tiarin is in my bedroom. She walks towards the younger me and strokes my hair while looking sad. 

“Being sensitive isn’t a weakness, my dear Viktor; sometimes it can be a gift,” she says before leaning down and kissing my forehead. “You’re important to your brother’s future; use your time well.”

A bright, warm light envelops the bedroom, and as soon as the Goddess appears, she’s gone. No wonder I don’t remember this moment…The Goddess blessed me with a gift I prayed for.