Chapter 3: Why me?

Juliet    

              “No, no, no, no, no! This is not happening. This is not happening.” I repeat as I gaze down at my abraded hands and scratched-up dirty feet. Is it groundhog day? Am I cursed to live my life repeating the same thing over and over again?

              Once again, I’ve woken up in the woods with bruised and bloody hands and feet. Looking at my right hand, I see a sharp, gleaming blade with some kind of blue and gold engraving around the edge. I have no clue where the blade came from. It doesn’t look familiar at all. The handle is black with silver vines, and the edge is smooth like liquid silver. Tossing the knife on the ground, I falter and gaze around the area, but I don’t see anything other than my footsteps. I gulp loudly as I follow the footprints for a couple of minutes. Shocked, I stumble back and wrap my arms around my stomach when I see splashes of blue goo coating the ground. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was blood. As the fluid thickens, I finally reach a small pool of it and nearly vomit at the sight that greets me. All I know is that it’s not human. There’s no way that the thing lying on the ground is anything other than some kind of animal with its wide furry back and reptilian head.

              Completely freaked out, I shake my head as if I can clear the image of what I’m looking at from my mind.

              This is the first time I’ve seen something so monstrous. I scan the area, but there’s nothing that would tell me what that thing is and why I’m here. Not knowing what else to do, I turn around and head back to the knoll where I woke up.

              I look down at my clothes as I step over branches and foliage. I’m wearing the same black tank top and blue boxer shorts I went to sleep in earlier.

              Looking around the area, I try to see if there’s anyone else around, but there’s no one. The vicinity of the woods is empty. There’s no point in doing a reality check at this point because I know I’m not dreaming. Tears stream down my face as I make my way to my car.

I realized after waking up this way before that somehow I’m able to drive during my episodes. My car is always in the same spot.

              I sit in my car for a couple of minutes and lean my head on the steering wheel as I sob helplessly. I don’t understand why this is happening. This is the fifth time I’ve sleepwalked. Sometimes I can go weeks without sleepwalking, and I’ll convince myself that it won’t happen again. And to see that there’s some kind of dead monster with me is life-shattering. Am I killing animals? It makes no sense, but the evidence is there. What the hell is wrong with me? I cry as I consider the creature in the woods.

              Once I’ve gotten myself under control, I make my way back to my house. It takes some strategic maneuvering, but somehow I manage to get into my room without being discovered.

               Turning the shower knobs to the hottest temperature, I close my eyes and roll up into a little ball. Dirt and blood slide down my body, swirling down the drain. My body stings everywhere that the water touches. I’m completely indifferent to the physical pain by now. At this point, it’s an emotional pain that’s taking its toll on me. Scrubbing my body in hopes of cleansing my macabre thoughts, I bite my lip because it’s easier said than done.

              My chest heaves with my exertions, and my tears continue to rain down my face. I feel like I’ve fallen into a black hole of despair that I can’t get out of, and I have no one to talk to because I know they wouldn’t understand─ I don’t understand. My bones feel brittle and weak beneath my skin as I clumsily rise from my position and dry my body. With a towel wrapped around my chest, I sit at the head of my bed and gaze off into the distance. Rubbing my wrists, I reach for a gauze pad inside my dresser, wipe my scraped hands and rub some antiseptic on it. I do the same to my feet. It’s almost a ritual at this point.

              Taking a deep breath, I look at my bare wrist and rub my bracelet. The metal feels hot against my skin. Not warm from my body heat, but like it was placed on a hot stove before it touched my skin. My wrist burns from the contact, but I don’t remove it. I don’t know why, but my mind rejects the idea.

              Mouth grim, I sit on my bed and turn on the television. This is what I do after I have one of my episodes. I flip to channels until I reach one with the local news.

              They talk about the campus disappearances of several kids but nothing about anyone or any animals dying of stab wounds. As soon as I see that there’s nothing, I breathe a sigh of relief. I reason that maybe the creature tried to attack me, and I killed it.  

               My cell phone rings, but I ignore it. I know that I’m not right, and eventually, something has to give. Since no bodies have been reported or found in the area, I’ve been able to somewhat ease my fears. I hate this feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me, though. I wish I knew why this was happening. What I do know is that my nightmares and sleep wanderings began right after my prom incident.

              My head pounds as I make my way out of the room. I get migraines every time I sleepwalk. It’s only lately that they’ve become worse. Sometimes they’re so bad that I have to crawl back into my bed and hope my head doesn’t explode. Closing my eyes, I massage my temples as excruciatingly painful currents zap through my brain and nausea churns in my stomach. Like the cuts in my hands, the nausea will disappear within the hour. But for now, I have to suck it up. I don’t know what to do. I’m at the end of my rope, and things are getting worse. For so long, I’ve tried to put on a happy face, and I can feel the cracks widening every day. I can’t help but think that I’m drowning, and no one seems to notice. Not even my friends. 

              Thankfully, my depression wanes by the time I meet Amara at the library to do some studying. We’re both taking ethics together.          Taking a drink from my water bottle, I sift through my ethics book and yawn.

              Amara looks up from taking notes and gives me a concerned frown.

              “Hey, Jules, are you okay?” Amara asks.

              I nod my head. “I’m fine. Why do you ask?” I answer.

              Did I mention that Amara’s a beauty queen? I mean, a real bonafide beauty queen. She won Ms. Arcata for like four years in a row. But she’s not the bitchy type of beauty queen. Amara is genuinely nice and authentic, regardless of how gorgeous she is.

              She’s tall with ebony hair and emerald green eyes, and her boyfriend, Kell, is completely and utterly in love with her.

              She closes her book as she leans close and whispers. “I guess it’s ‘cause you’ve been looking a little tired lately. Not that you’re not beautiful, but you seem…”  She shrugs her shoulders. “You seem kind of…sad and drained, I guess.”

              I bite my lip as I consider what to say. But the words refuse to come. How do I tell my best friend that I think I’m going crazy? Or that there’s something mentally wrong with me? I know we’ve never kept secrets from each other. But I realize that I can’t tell her. Instead, I make the decision to tell her half of the truth.

              Biting my lip, I sift my fingers through my hair and say. “I’ve just been having these really intense migraines lately. I guess it’s been wearing me a bit, but I’ll be fine.”

              A look of guilt crosses Amara’s face, which puzzles me. However, before I can ask, Haley walks up and slumps down on an empty chair. “Hey, there you are. What are you doing?”

              Amara gives me a wan smile before she talks to Haley and discusses our ethics class.

              Haley rolls her eyes. “Sounds boring. You guys should have taken Ancient Civ with me. It’s so cool. You learn about all these deities.

              Amara snorts but doesn’t reply. She hates history. It’s always been the one subject she’s tolerated.

              “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, Jules. There’s going to be a Halloween party at Garden of Eden. Are you in?”

              I furrow my brow. I’m not sure that I’m ready to do a big party, considering how I’ve been feeling lately. However, as I gaze into my friend’s expectant eyes, I can’t bring myself to say no. “Yeah, sure. I’ll go.”

              At my confirmation, Haley claps her hands excitedly and begins to talk about her costume.

              My cell phone dings at that moment. It’s a message from a classmate.

              Hey girl, party tomorrow night at a sorority. Are you in?

              I think about what’s waiting for me at home and wince. I definitely don’t want to sleepwalk again, so I opt to get drunk and party.

              Sure.

              I look at my friends as I settle the phone back in my pocket and prepare to head to my counseling session.

              “I gotta go,” I tell my friends as I pick up my things from the table.

              “Where are you going?” Haley asks.

              I shrug my shoulders. “I have to get home.”

              I don’t tell my friends anymore. There’s no reason to discuss my counseling sessions or the fact that my dad wants me tested. I know that if I mention it, my friends will ask me questions that I’m not ready to answer.

              Haley leans back and winks exaggeratedly. “How about we meet up tomorrow?”

              I shake my head. “I can’t. I’m going to a party with a friend tomorrow.”

              “Oh, have fun, girl. Don’t do anything I would do.” She mutters playfully.

              I roll my eyes. “I’d invite you, but I’m sure you have plans to ravish your men.”

              They laugh at my statement but don’t refute it, which tells me all that I need to know.

              Stifling a yawn, I rise from my chair and head to the door.

              “Wait, Jules!” Amara calls out as she catches up to me.

              “What’s up?” I ask.

              She bites her lip hesitantly before she continues. “You said you were having headaches. Maybe…maybe you should see a doctor or something.”    

              I shrug my shoulders. “Yeah, sure. Look, I gotta go. I’ll text you.”

              She gives me a sad smile. “Sure.”

              As I walk away, I can’t help but wonder about Amara’s behavior. However, I don’t dwell on it for too long. I have enough problems of my own.