I’m Sorry.

Sweat drips down my face and I can feel wetness from various parts of my body. My breath is heavy and I want to stop but I don't. I keep going.

I imagine myself catching up to a train of complete and utter zen. The train is five minutes away and all I have to do is catch up to it.

And if I can't then I'll just land close by. If I don't catch it today then I'll catch it tomorrow, I'm getting closer each day.

I stop the treadmill after only six minutes. It's not much but it's the most I've done my whole life. I smile as I get off because I hit a new self record.

I'd never been a gym person, ever.

I'd tried going with Tristan once in the past and I got sick the whole week after that. Of course I convinced myself I was allergic to working out, despite Tristan telling me it was normal and that my body just needed time to adjust.

I started gym about five days ago. When I started I couldn't even do a minute on the treadmill without stopping to rest. I'm definitely improving.

There's a certain feeling you get after gym that I knew nothing about obviously until now. It's like a feeling of accomplishment and all you want to do after that is more things that make you feel good and complete. I believe this is what happens when your body releases dopamine.

So today after gym I decide to text Tristan.

'Wanna meet up sometime for coffee?' I simply type as I walk out of the gym. 

He'd stopped calling me the day after Meghan's bachelorette. He'd called and called until he gave up I guess. That had been odd because the Tristan I know never gives up on me. No matter how stubborn I'm being.

It's been about a week now and I'm sure he'll be shocked that I texted but I miss him. I really miss my friend.

He texts back a few minutes later as I make it to my car saying,

'What are you doing right now?'

'Meeting up with you I guess.' I respond back barely a few seconds later. I need to make up with him. I need to apologize and start being there for him. He's getting married in a few weeks for god's sake.

I don't even go home to change my clothes and shower as I don't want to give myself the opportunity to change my mind. 

I take a breath after parking by the restaurant we were meeting at. We didn't even need to discuss it, this was our place.

I make my way out and immediately spot him seated and on his phone as soon as I enter the beautifully lit restaurant. I'm guessing he'd just gotten back from work the way he's dressed so formal.

He smiles when he sees me then stands up to hug me and pull the chair out for me. Something about him seems different but I ignore it since I can't really pinpoint it.

"Are you wearing sweats because you were moving furniture around again in your apartment?" He mocks and I just roll my eyes. I'm sure he can tell I went to gym.

Even though he made a mockery, something still feels off. It feels like he felt the need to do that because we've always played like that with each other.

But it wasn't genuine and the smile that followed didn't really reach his eyes. He's upset with me. 

The whole thing is just weird because he never gets upset with me. I know it's weird for him too because I can see him trying to act normal. He fails miserably.

"I'm sorry," I then decide to say, wanting to just get it over with. The pretending is getting rather uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry that I'm selfish and I only think about myself," I continue to say and he just stares at me. Clearly agreeing with my saying that I'm selfish.

Something else that's different because even though we both know I'd been acting up, the Tristan I know would never make me feel like it or let me to believe it.

I continue on apologizing even for the most pointless things I'm sure I don't need to apologize for and he just lets me go on.

I mean I know I've been a dick but he doesn't have to just sit there and let me tear myself down. 

I guess I thought we were going to have a beautiful reunion where we were going to hug and forget about everything that's happened. I'd been largely mistaken.

"I had no right to talk to Meghan like that, I'm sure there's more that you love about her," believe it or not I'm still apologizing. Patiently waiting for him to stop me but he instead sips on the cup of coffee he'd ordered for himself.

"Is there anything you want to say to me?" I finally say getting irritated. He's giving me facial expressions that tell me he's got a lot on his mind but he's not saying anything.

"I'm just waiting for you to finish," he responds calmly. Yea, something is definitely off.

"I can't think of anything else to apologize about so I guess I'm done," I say. I've mentioned literally every single wrong thing I'd done since this whole mess started.

"Ok," he says simply. 

Ok?

"Is there anything you'd like to say about my apology?" I ask and he puts his coffee mug down, I'm guessing to let it rain on me.

"I've done everything for you Mia. I've been there for you even when I wasn't doing so great myself." He begins and I feel my heart getting heavy at his revelation and the fact that he called me by my name. He never calls me by my name.

"I feel like all I've done has been giving and giving to you and you just take every time," he continues and I can see the hurt in his eyes. 

It's true. He's always been my savior, mostly because I'm the most unstable one in this friendship. But still I never thought I'd ever see the day he would point out what he's done for me and what I haven't done for him. This is definitely not my Tristan.

"What are you saying?" I ask ignoring the break in my voice at that.

"I think that we need to take some time apart. I really needed you to try and make it work with Meg. I was really disappointed to hear what you did," he says and I can taste the saltiness that's now reaching my lips from the liquid coming out of my eyes.

"I will try harder, please" I whisper and try to hold his hand but he moves it away. His eyes are shiny from the tears he's suppressing and I know he's hurting.

Watching the strongest person I know struggle to keep his emotions at bay is heartbreaking. Why am I so selfish? 

"Mia. I'm getting married soon and I want to concentrate on that right now. I'm sorry but you can't come to the wedding anymore. Meg doesn't want you there. I hope you can understand," he says then stands up to leave and I stay on my seat unable to move.

Nugget. My name is nugget.