I Hate You I Love You.

He's getting married today.

There hasn't been a day I hadn't texted him to apologize since our little coffee date. He doesn't respond nor does he pick up my calls but just because he gave up doesn't mean I have to too. We promised forever.

There has never been a time he wasn't there for me even for the tiniest of things. We could be really upset with each other, but that still wouldn't stop us from being there for one another.

That is why when he'd told me I couldn't come to the wedding, I'd only partly believed him. There was no way he wouldn't want me there.

I was the yin to his yang, right?

Guess not anymore because the boy had been serious. The hundreds of unanswered texts and calls confirmed that for me.

'I know you're a nervous wreck right now because even though you're all tough on the outside, you're a big softie on the inside. You're gonna do great! You're gonna be a kick ass husband and a bomb dad to some kid one day. Meghan is beyond lucky to have you, I hope unlike me she remembers that always. Imagine I'm holding on to your hand right now as you cross this very important bridge in your life. 

- Love you always, your nugget."

I know he won't respond but I want him to know I'm here for him even if it's not physically. We've pretty much been in each other's lives for any and all big life events and even though he doesn't like me very much right now, I know it's different for him too. I know he wants me to be there but I understand why I'm not there.

My social media feed is filled with our mutual acquaintances posting pictures of their lovely day, many of which didn't think the boy would ever settle down. I smile at that. He's certainly come a long way, and if Meghan of all people managed to tie him down then she's got to be special. One in a million. I certainly do regret how I treated the girl. 

I scroll down liking each and every one of the pictures. I even write a cute congratulations message on Meghan's timeline. I'm surprised she hasn't blocked me yet.

People should find it weird that I'm not there because wherever he was, you'd always find me too. I hope they don't ask him questions about that as it'll make him uncomfortable to talk about. I don't want him going through that on his wedding day.

After a while of being on my phone, I make my way out of my apartment to go to the shops. Today I'm having a chilled weekend unlike the ones I've had recently and so I'm going to be doing errands. I'm going grocery shopping, getting my car washed and doing laundry later.

The past couple of months have been my wildest. I guess one could say I'm going through a phase, they wouldn't be wrong.

Maybe it's been partly a distraction but also, I think I'm realizing the benefits of opening myself up. I no longer live in the small world I'd created for myself but instead, I'm an active member of society.

I start by going to have my car washed. I put my earphones in as I enter the car washing machine thingy to block out the loud noises.

I wonder what he's wearing. He's always hated suits but I doubt Meghan would've let him wear anything else. 

She's probably looking really pretty right now in her white dress. Most probably some expensive designer gown by some well known designer. She's always been very stylish, I guess being a model required that of her.

I close my eyes and imagine Tristan's face as his fiancé walks down the aisle to him. It's the same face I'd always imagined he'd make except the girl is her and not me.

I quickly open my eyes at that to stop myself from what was inevitably going to happen. Soon my car is done and I join the road again to now go to the grocery store.

I'm watching what I eat now since I started gym. I'm still not sure what my goal is but I'm pretty sure eating healthy is a part of the journey. So I put a bunch of vegetables, fruits and some healthy snacks in my trolley. I guess this is goodbye to McDonald's.

As I slowly push my trolley through the grocery store  looking for more healthy food to add, I can't help but let my true feelings of this whole ordeal finally come out. 

I feel angry.

Angry that my best friend is getting married and I'm not invited. Angry that he's fine with me not being there and doesn't even bother to respond to any of my messages.

I get that Meghan is mad at me but why is he? All he said was he'd been disappointed but does that mean we're not friends anymore? Why was he so fucking vague? Don't I at least deserve an explanation?

I want so bad to be understanding, especially with what happened the other night but I feel angry that he probably didn't even fight for her to let me come to the wedding, this is something that's probably not going to happen again. Doesn't he get that?

If I was getting married I would want my best friend there, no matter how angry I was with them. It breaks my heart that he's just throwing away so many years of friendship because of a mistake. 

He always knew how I felt about him, it wasn't like I'd lied about that. I was always transparent about my feelings towards him, he can't have expected me to jump up and down to the news that he was going to marry someone else. I needed time and he knew that. He knew that even when he was telling me he was going to propose.

I try really hard to calm myself down as I make my way to the alcohol section in the grocery store. I know people are looking at me, I'm an emotional wreck. 

I decide to grab three bottles of wine with very high percentages of alcohol on them then finally leave the store after paying.

The first thing I do when I get home is grab myself a coffee mug, fill it with wine and just down it in just a few minutes. 

I repeat that about four more times before grabbing my phone to call the person I love to hate. I need a distraction. Scratch that, I need a release. And though the boy is annoying as hell, no one's ever gotten me off the way that he has.

He's soon at my house a couple of hours later and we find ourselves trembling around in these sheets with our naked sweaty bodies against each other.