Chapter 3

It was Saturday morning, and I woke up earlier than Grace. I could still smell the alcohol lingering in my body, which made me feel nauseous and lightheaded. Trying to ease my discomfort, I made an instant black coffee and took a shower to freshen up while texting Sam, asking if we could meet later.

He didn't respond even after showering, gearing up for my morning run, and preparing my water bottle, so I tried to call Sam. However, his number was unreachable despite my calling him multiple times.

I felt frustrated for not being able to reach Sam. "I should have talked to him when Grace called him last night. I should have asked his forgiveness right then and there," I muttered as I walked to the park.

Securing my phone inside my running belt, I began jogging around the park for a few minutes before walking around to cool down. Before, I had no time to enjoy the waterfront view of the park, bordered by the towering golden hues of the honey locust trees as they scattered their leaves along the trail. The river's gentle murmur made a soothing sound as I tried to shake the feeling of frustration and guilt.

A sense of melancholy sprouted in my chest as I sat on the bench to rest and rehydrate. At a distance, I saw a family having a picnic. I couldn't shake off the insidious feeling as my gaze followed the running and playing children. I used to be as jolly as those innocent little ones, if not for the instances that coincided in my past.

"Mommy! Daddy!"

The children called their parents with wide grins on their faces, trying to get their parents' attention as they ran away as if tempting them to play tag. They giggled and laughed as they got caught and tickled by their father. Their mother's subtle smile affirms satisfaction as she watches them play from a distance.

My thoughts drifted as the memories of my chaotic past crept into my mind, transporting me back to the days of the Saint Margaret Orphanage.

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[Flashback]

The subtle scent of the grass and wildflowers surrounded a not-so-peaceful orphanage near the suburbs. Children with different personalities ran around the area; the younger ones played while the older ones simultaneously helped with the chores. Cries and laughter echo within the thin walls of the old building of the orphanage every day, transforming into silent sobs in the evening.

Mother Cecilia Devlin, our strict but kind head matron, with the help of the other nuns, priests, social workers, and educators in the area, diligently took care of all of us, orphan children, despite our circumstances. We were abandoned by our parents and relatives due to different circumstances. Some of us were abandoned due to some disability; some were like me, who lost their parent or parents due to an accident and had no relative to claim us; while others were victims of abuse like Grace.

My consciousness began at age three, just a few months before my fourth birthday. I can still vividly remember the first heartbreak I encountered due to a dream that ended in an instant. It hasn't been long since I managed to understand that I was inside an orphanage and that not a single person around me was my family.

"All ears on me, children. A couple will be visiting today to check on everyone. I want you all to be on your best behavior," Mother Cecilia announced as she stood straight with authority. The genuine grin on her face shows the fine lines on the edges of her downturned blue eyes, gleaming vibrantly like a sunlit dewdrop on a brisk morning.

Most of the older ones helped the nuns and the volunteers dress up the little ones like me at that time. Despite the announcement, my young mind had yet to grasp what was going on.

"Mimi, why pwetty dwes?" my little voice murmured to the young nun who was helping me get dressed. My head tilted with furrowing brows as my eyes squinted slightly, trying to grasp what was going on.

"We have a visitor, dear. You need to look nice so that they will choose you," she replied.

"Shush?"

"Choose... Ch-ch-choose," she corrected.

I rigorously pouted my lips as I tried to follow her lead: "Sh-sh-shush."

Her light chuckles intercepted my words, making me tilt my head and raise my brow. "If you're lucky, they might choose to adopt you," she said, still snickering while she brushed my hair. "Do you know what 'adopt' means?"

I shook my head and replied briefly, "No."

"It means they may become your new mommy and daddy," she explained as she finished grooming me.

"Mom!" I exclaimed as I raised my mother's locket in front of her.

"Yes. Besides your mom in heaven, you might have a chance to have another mommy and daddy," she replied, smiling despite the obvious sadness in her eyes as she lightly clasped my locket and my tiny hand between her palms. "You might have a new family," she continued.

The word 'family' was still beyond my comprehension, but my young mind instinctively understood that it would be nice to be chosen. Mother Cecilia and even Mimi seemed happy and were rooting for all of us as they instructed us to line up.

Not long after we were settled in a line, a middle-aged couple suddenly appeared, greeting us with their subtle smiles. Their eyes roamed around and checked on each one of us, facing back and forth as they whispered to each other. I smiled as their eyes met mine, trying to greet them politely in my little way. They smiled back and whispered to each other once again before they faced the matron and talked in a hushed voice. I couldn't grasp what they were talking about, so my eyes did not leave their direction even after they left the room.

The next thing I knew was that a week later, they took me out of the orphanage and told me that they would be my parents since then. Despite the confusion in my young mind, I felt happy being adopted because they bought me fancy dresses and delicious food. They brought me to a neat and clean house that was free from the noise of children and the hushed chatter of the nuns and volunteers. They bought me toys and read me books before I went to sleep.

Everything felt dreamy and so perfect that I immediately felt like I was a part of their family. They would even tell me their plans for where I would study and what I should begin learning. They even hired a nanny who would take care of me whenever they were working during the day and play with me during their day off. Until one day, the couple argued. I couldn't grasp the reason for their fight, but the next day, the man brought a girl into the house.

"My dear Ily, meet your older sister, Hannah," the man said, his eyes gleaming with affection for the cute blonde girl older and bigger than me.

"Sisi!" I squealed with a grin as I ran to hug the girl before me.

I expected her to hug me back and call my name affectionately like our parents, but instead, she shoved me off with a grim look on her face as if she had eaten a bitter gourd. "Stay away from me! You're filthy!"

If not for our dad catching me in his arms, I would have already fallen on the matted floor of the living room. I looked at my hands, furrowing my brows as I asked myself if it was dirty. I couldn't see even a spot of dirt. "No! Not Dety!" I retorted, raising my palm in the air and showing her my clean hands.

"Hanna dear, you should not call your sister 'filth' because she's not dirty, honey," our dad scolded her with a low voice.

"No! She's not my sister! She's just an orphan!" she screamed and began crying. "I want my mommy back!"

Our dad let go of me and began hugging and lifting her in his arms, cradling her while stroking her hair as they walked away, leaving me behind.

I couldn't understand what was going on. I felt sad to be left alone, but I tried my best not to cry, fearing the thought of being scolded for being feisty. My confused mind left me stunned as I sat on the floor, staring at images of the books on the floor, asking myself if I had done anything wrong against my sister and why she was looking for our mother, who was at work at that moment.

A few hours before dinner, our mother arrived. My tummy was already grumbling, but our dad hadn't gotten back yet from comforting my sister in her room. I cautiously ran to our mom, seeing her frown as she walked inside the house. She quietly patted my head, but she didn't look at me and walked past me with a grim expression on her face. I got frightened by her reaction, causing me to freeze as I watched her walk at a quick pace towards my sister's room.

"You're out of your mind! I already told you I don't agree with this!"

Her scream echoed across the rooms, followed by the loud cry of my sister, "You're scary! I want my mommy back!"

I was confused and felt my body tremble with their screams as they began to argue once again. My mind drifted as I crouched on the floor, facing the wall with my hands tightly covering my ears. My small ears could still hear them shouting, but I couldn't understand the reason why they were arguing.

The next thing I knew, a few days later, was that my mother dropped me back at the orphanage while asking for forgiveness and hugging me tight. I could still remember how sad the eyes of the nuns and the volunteers looked at me, especially Mother Cecilia, as they welcomed me back openly in their arms. At first, I thought the couple only needed time to fix their issues, but as the days and weeks turned to months, I slowly understood that I was abandoned.

I was pessimistic, tried to understand their circumstances, and moved forward with a smile of reassurance despite the sting in my chest. It was only possible because I knew that my real mother was looking at me from heaven. So clasping my mother's locket between my hands calms my turbulent mind and emotions. However, I did not expect to experience the same situations one after another. I was adopted only to be abandoned more than three times, and I had already lost count.

[End of Flashback]