When I was younger, I convinced myself that I would never have a Mate. Maybe it was for dumb reasons like, my face is full of pimples, or my legs are too fat, or my hair is dry and not as soft and shiny as hers. In my young mind, I believed no guy would want me because at the time I didn't possess such traits. It is a stupid thing to believe—that I am too ugly for a Mate—but the thought grasped onto me for years. The thought brought me to tears while I sat in my bathtub, only in the tub so no one could hear me. All in all, I was depressed.
Me, a sixteen-year-old werewolf at the time, was depressed because of my physical appearance. I mean, werewolves are supposed to be beautiful right? Flawless skin, vibrant hair, lushes lips, soothing voice, perfect body, a list of traits that surrounded me, yet traits I didn't have. All of the girls my age were beautiful, and I was the ugly duckling.
"Don't worry, you'll grow into your ears," my mother would tell me, pushing my dull, knotted brown hair over them.
"Don't worry, I'm sure your breasts will come, you're just a late bloomer," she'd say.
"Your feet aren't too small."
"Your face will clear up."
"Having brown eyes is lovely, people want brown eyes like yours, Rae."
I'd stare up at her and think about all the lies she's told me. Will I really grow into my ears? No. They'll always be a little too big, and they still are three years later.
My mother was a beautiful woman, and a beautiful wolf too. She looked more like one of the other girl's mothers than mine. She could have been an Alphas Mate, that's how perfect she was. Only the most beautiful girls are mated with an Alpha. Sadly—in my theory—I wouldn't get a Mate at all.
At first, the thought made me depressed, but as the years went by, it made me feel free. As the other girls prepared for gatherings—ones where packs would get together in search of their Mate—I would sit at home and argue with my mother.
"I don't have a mate, mom!"
She'd cross her arms. "That's ridiculous, Rae."
"It's not. I can feel it. I don't have a mate; it doesn't matter if I go. It'll be a waste of time."
"Stop that. Now get on the dress and let's get going. You're going to be late!"
That year I actually attended one. I wore a purple dress and sat in the corner all night while four girls my age found their mates. One was a Beta. A Beta! It was understandable; she was a pretty girl.
I sat in the corner, playing judge, judging everyone and their mates, their dancing, their dresses. Sure, I found it easier to accept that I'd never find a Mate, but part of me was still jealous.
This year, my fourth year of the gatherings, I plan on not attending again. I've only been once, when I was seventeen, so I'd like to spare myself from that pain. My mother doesn't seem to mind after that one time. Maybe she has begun to believe my theory too.
There is a knock on my bedroom door, and I call my mother in. She's carrying a folded piece of golden cloth, and I already know what it is. A dress. "We've been through this before," I mutter and look away from her, back down at my book as I lay sprawled out on my bed.
"Rae, I really think you should go this year. You didn't last year, so maybe—"
I shut my book and tiredly peer up. "Mom. I know you want me to go, but there's no point. I have no mate," I repeat what I have said the years before.
"Everyone has a mate."
"That's impossible. What if there's one more girl werewolf than there are guys? What if I'm that one?"
My mother drops the dress on my bed. "You're not that one. My daughter has a Mate. Now I've let you lazy around for the past three years, so it's time you start taking this seriously. You're nineteen, girls your age are excited by parties and the idea of mates. So put on the dress and be downstairs in twenty minutes before I call a guard and have them drag you out."
I sit up swiftly. "A guard can't do that!"
She begins to walk out the door. "They will now!" Then she shuts it behind her.
I groan and flop back down. I have the urge to yell back, I don't have a mate, but instead, I whine and dramatically put on the damn dress. It's gold and silky and girly, and something one of the pretty girls would wear. A girl like me should not wear this dress as the bust area clearly requires more bust. How embarrassing. Now everyone at the gathering will know that Rae East has small breasts, not that they couldn't have figured it out.
When I saunter downstairs, my mother hurries me out the door after handing me a pair of her shorter high heels. I take them with a look of disgust.
"It's at the usual place, so don't try and lie saying you got lost or couldn't find it," my mother calls as I wander away from the house, then she shuts the door, likely locking me out.
Here I am, walking to the gathering when I expected to be reading for the entire night until I pass out and drool onto the pages. My normal Saturday nights in the pack. It's nothing exciting like sneaking off pack land or secretly meeting up with a guy who is not my mate, stuff the other girls do. Half of them have lost their virginity long ways back, dropped it in the woods against a tree or something.
These thoughts make me less jealous of them.
I follow the path and wobble a few times, stumbling on a rock. Social interaction is not my specialty, so when I hear voices coming at me, I rush into the trees and hide. With my chest rising and falling quickly, I peek out to watch.
A large group of men appear in the distance, and as they walk closer, I notice one to be my Alpha. My heart clenches at the sight of him. I have met the Alpha once before, and I was awkward as usual. He probably wouldn't remember me if he saw me. Alphas are busy I suppose, they meet a lot of people, and it must be impossible to remember such an insignificant face as mine.
I lean forward to get a better view of who he's with, and I notice one person to be the Luna, and I lean a little further, and my foot gets caught on a tree root, and I claw at the bark to catch myself, and I slowly fall to my knees, and the group comes to a halt. I freeze.
They scan the trees until the Luna's eyes fall upon me, somewhat hidden behind a low bush. "Hello?" She calls out. "Who's there?"
I bite the inside of my cheek and get up, dirt coating my palms and sprinkled on my dress. "Sorry," I say nervously. "I thought I saw something out further, but I tripped and. . . Well, sorry if I scared you. I'm just on my way to the—"
"The gathering for the mateless?" The Luna finishes.
I finally land back on the path and get a good view of the small crowd. My eyes go straight to my Alpha, apologetically of course, but the man beside him grabs my attention.
He's an Alpha no doubt; he looks like one. The sort of perfection only the most prestigious werewolves display. I could explain every one of his magnificent features and write a book about it all, but something else has me entranced. The feeling in my stomach. Or is it my heart? Or is it my more delicate regions? Maybe it's everything. It's like his eyes are tearing me apart just because they can. I swallow.
He makes my mouth water, this man, this Alpha, and I shouldn't think in such ways about someone above me. His position stomps on my entire life. I am a speck to him.
Finding it very hard to concentrate, I begin to see small movements on his face. His eyes shoot to me, then immediately gaze off, then come to me again, then leave again, like he's looking at an eclipse. His jaw muscles clench, and I cross my feet, one leg moving in front of the other, almost squeezing together. My heart races, like someone is beating a drum in my chest, and I don't understand any of it.
As I stare at him, I cannot help but imagine myself dropping my virginity in the forest, against a tree, maybe even the one I was hidden behind a moment or two ago.
Wait. What?
"Shouldn't you be on your way, then?" My Alpha cuts through the silence and drags me back to reality.
I briefly wet my dry lips before tossing together words that mean nothing to me at the moment. "Yes, I'll get out of your way."
I step to the side and watch as the man, the Alpha, walk past me along with the others, his scent giving my head a spin. He doesn't look back at me like I would for him, he only keeps on walking, leaving me in a confusing fog, lost, not knowing what to do next.
I struggle for a minute, still standing on the path.
Everything in my animalistic being is telling me what I do not want to hear. It's shouting at me, and I have my headphones on, trying to ignore it.
That Alpha, that man, that Alpha. . . An Alpha! What am I thinking? Me, mated to an Alpha? What a joke! If the girls were here right now, they'd sure get a kick out of this. Rae East thought she was mates with an Alpha, what a laugh!
I have the urge to smack myself for being so stupid.
I make my way down the path once again and dread the gathering. Not only will I feel like a complete idiot, but I will also now have to watch girls flirt and dance, maybe even discover their mates, something I would never experience because I don't have a Mate, and I will never have a Mate!
It is like convincing my sixteen-year-old self all over again.
There are one hundred males and one hundred and one females, and I am the one. I am the leftover.
I find the building and huff before walking towards it, preparing to join the crowd.
I enter the building and find many girls in their flashy dresses accompanied by many men in their dress shirts and slacks, all looking quite nice. Then I join the mix, and people start to glance over. After last year, they probably thought they'd never see me at one of these again. One can only hope.While trying to get that damn mysterious Alpha out of my head—his image infecting my mind—I search the room for anyone that can help me. These girls must know everything about mates, unlike myself. When my mother tried to teach me, I forced myself to ignore her, not wanting to get excited about something I will never have. Now I just have to make sure, the girls will tell me what finding your mate is like, and my little run-in will turn to nothing after all. It was simply minor attraction to the man. I swear.Two familiar girls
With my bedroom door cracked open, I can hardly hear my mother answer the door."Hello, can I help you?" She asks whoever is there."Yes, I'm looking for Ms. East. I'm assuming she's your daughter. Alpha Grant is expecting her presence.""Yes, she's upstairs. Might I ask what for?""I was told nothing but to retrieve her."Well, I know his last name. That's something. It's not enough, but still something. I know of him, this Alpha, his pack is a little farther than the ones that usually come to the gathering. It's a strong pack, one of the strongest. That's all I know.I know my mother is going to call for me, but I do not want to g
I lay in my bed for an hour before locating my runaway bag on the floor, hyping myself up for the reckless thing I am about to do. It didn't take much to convince myself, only a few scenarios and a look or two in the mirror. Only a stupid girl would think that Alpha Grant is taking me back to his pack to reject me, there is no point in that, it's ridiculous. I know who I am, what I am supposed to be. I know what I have convinced myself, and being mated to an Alpha is not part of my plan. It ruins everything.If I could, I would give him to one of the other girls, someone who he can love andlovewith no doubt. They would be so happy, telling everyone with a proud look, showing him off like a prize won. She'd be the perfect Luna, that girl.Tossing in the last of my things, I slide up my window and pop out the screen,
The guard leaves and I stay in my room, dreading the moment when Alpha Grant comes home. He said that he'll be here soon, which makes me restless, speaking that I'm inhispack house with myownroom. So much for a separate building. I can't lie to myself, the house is beautiful, my bedroom is a dream, and all of these feelings are making my head explode. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to hate it here, I was supposed to want to leave.The bedding smells like roses; my nose stuffed into the pillows as I lay here trying to collect myself. The soothing scent helps keep my mind off of his at the end of the hall, trickling through my door. It's going to wrap around my ankles and drag me down the hall, locking me in his bedroom for him to find me as a wild animal. His scent is not my friend, but an enemy.
I want to rip my hair out. Even with headphones in, I still know what they're doing in his bedroom. Even if I can't hear it, I can still feel it. It feels as if my nails are being yanked off one by one, my fingers bloody and shaking. I hate it. I hate him. I hate being here. I hate this feeling. It's as if he's wrapping his hands around my neck and slowly squeezing harder and harder, watching as my face grows pale, ignoring my begging.I sit in the middle of my bed—music blasting in my ears—and I try not to scream. All I want is to go home. I knew this was going to be a mistake, but what could I do to stop it? Run away like drunk Rae wanted?In this moment, after hearing such sounds echo from his bedroom, I'd rather him kill me. I want to rip out the mate bond from inside of me and burn it. In this moment, I no longer fear l
It has been a lonely week, but what did I expect? My day consists of eating breakfast, chatting with Gail and Theresa—the plump woman and her friend—eating lunch, listening to music or reading a book, hardly eating dinner, and going to bed. Throughout the day I become more and more depressed, and by dinner, I barely have enough fight in myself to eat. I call my mother every day and lie to her. I go on and on about how lovely everything is, and how I was wrong about not wanting a mate—it gives me something to do, to conjure up some fairytale."Today we went on a walk around the pack, he showed me around and introduced me to people," I say to my mother, the phone up against my ear as I lie on my bed. I've stolen the phone from the living room and put it in my room, knowing Alpha Grant won't come in to take it. "It was nice. The people here are nice."
Escaping across the borders isn't easy, but when I get across I don't stop running. I strip my clothes and shift, hair spurting, bones moving, cracking, my jaw being remolded, paws growing, nails hardening, eyes changing, glowing, I become a beast. With my clothes trapped in my teeth, I run. I am a monster lurking through the night, I am a girl desperate to live.I don't know where I am going, all I know is that I have to leave. So I am.By the time the sun begins to rise, I spot something in the distance, a clearing. A road. It was my first time on a road when I had journeyed to the Grant Pack, and seeing one again gives me hope. I hurry to it, making sure to shift and change beforehand just in case any cars come along.With a racing heart, I study it. Gazing off in each direction, wa
The mate bond is his name tattooed on my heart, never to come off, to be replaced or ignored. It's his face and body constantly floating through my mind because I ache for him, not able to control my wandering thoughts. The mate bond is a curse cast upon me the moment I saw him, and it was cast upon him, as well. Theodore's words linger in my head as he drops me off at the house—my excuse being pressed into me—and I can't help but hope.He may act like he doesn't care for you, but he can't control it.Alpha Grant can't control the mate bond, like me. He may be an Alpha, but he is no God. Even if he acts like he doesn't think once about me or care how I am doing, he can't control it, he can't help it. He must think about me just as I think about him. It's in the bond, my name is tattooed on his heart whether he likes it or not. But this is where I could get my ho
The sun's rays warm me, my skin illuminating with life. The golden glow brings a heavenly filter to the forest around us, like walls protecting our castle. This is our land, the True Alpha's. In the middle of the calm meadow is my home, James' home, our families home. In the trees is an army of men. His men. Guards that protect us from the jealous and the evil.In the morning I wake up and quietly tiptoe downstairs, meeting Gail in the kitchen. She hands me a cup of coffee and we sit together outside on the porch. I took her with James and me to the new house. She's family to us. I wish Theresa was here too, but she's passed away, she's in the Goddesses hands now."I can already feel him," I murmur, lifting the mug to my lips, warmed even more by the coffee, feeling as if true happiness is an external and internal warmth that makes one
I sit in the dirt, against a tree, the bark scratching my bare back, and I stay curled up. A thin fog gathers around me, the air frigid. My fingers lose color and I feel as if these are the sensations of death. Everything is cold, so painfully and relentlessly cold. The feeling in my toes fade and I contemplate shifting again to stay alive. I can't be too far, I can't be off of pack land. I should go back but I'm scared that his father will grab me again, that he'll choke me and cut me as he did his wife.'You didn't finish the diary, did you?'A harsh shiver overcomes me and I hold my bare body tighter, ready to shift even though my wolf is exhausted. This is what I get for not letting her out enough, she grows weak.I need to go back, I need to find James, he needs to know the truth
Making my way through the people again, back the way I came, I find James and ask him if we can talk. He gives me a worried look and excuses himself before following me back into the corner. "Is it about my father?" He asks. "The guards reported back that they saw nothing.""No, it's not. Ava told me about thisKing of Alphasthing. What is she talking about, James? How come you never said anything?"He lets out a breath and relaxes. "It's nothing. It's just some idea that a few people have been tossing around.""She told me that it was discussed at someAlpha meetingand that your name was brought up. If it's being talked about at some all-important meeting then it sounds serious to me."James gr
Many strangers greet us as we make our way inside. Though I am familiar with the building from the gathering, it looks completely transformed. Sure, it was dressed up before, but everything is switched around now. There are fewer tables and instead more room for standing and chatting or whateverleadersdo. As my eyes scan the area, I see most people standing with a drink, in groups of two to five people. And unlike the gathering, there are guards at the doors outside and inside. Coincidentally, I spot Theodore with one other guard towards the back, and I immediately make plans in my head to see him.James places his hand lightly on my back, reeling me back to the current situation. Knowing that we'll have to welcome everyone, his movements towards the grouped people don't surprise me. I take a quick breath before we reach the first one, a set of three.
"Do you like this one more than the last one?"I turn away from the mirror and shrug. "I don't know, Gail. They're all pretty, I just can't make up my mind, I guess."Gail picks up the next dress by the hanger and hands it to me, this time giving me a long, black dress with a slit on the left side, covered by lace. I take it and shuffle into the bathroom, tired of looking at myself in the mirror while I yank them on. Each time the bags under my eyes seem to grow darker and I contemplate just picking a random one from the pile just so we can stop. "Where do all these dresses even come from?" I ask through the door, pulling the dark fabric over my legs."James asked me to get you some things to try on for the party, so I did. Be glad that you have options," she says as I come out, spinni
The blankets are soft against my skin. Light pours in through the closed shutters, giving a dim warmth to the room, and I feel his arms around me. I feel his shallow breaths just reach the back of my neck. I feel like another version of myself, one that I've never met, but one that takes away the anxiety and sadness that clouded my mind before. I'm still Rae, but I'm Content Rae. I'm Satisfied Rae. I'm Rae who just might be okay in the end.Right here, in this spot, I feel happy. It's a light, cozy happiness that kisses your cheek in the morning and again before you fall asleep. It's breathless and smells like home. It's a cracked but lush sidewalk, filling up the holes with color and life. It's summer days and nights on the beach, hearing nothing but the waves. Happiness is me and my one true partner acting as a team and not as enemies. It's experiencing my lowest point then my highest,
His father sits at the head of the table, James and I on either side of him. James constantly gives me reassuring looks, but I don't know if he's trying to reassure me or himself. It's clear that he's uncomfortable with this, me meeting his father. It only makes me nervous. It only makes the weird feelings grow."So, Rae," his father begins, taking lead, "what pack do you come from?""The Waters Pack," I answer timidly, not wanting to talk at all even though I agreed to this. I feel as I did when I first met James, hardly saying a word.His father nods. "And you're not of an Alpha bloodline?""No," I say carefully, "I'm not."He nods again. "Of a Beta bloodline?"
James took the diaries from my bedroom. He said I can't read them anymore. He put them in the library and locked the door and moved the shelf in front of it and told me to stay away. He said he was going to call the doctor but I begged him not to. I told him that if he did, I would leave. I was emotional at the time.I still have my books and my music and my mother, and I talk to her every night now. I don't care about our disagreements anymore. She doesn't know about what I did, though. If she did, she would drag me back home.I eat all of my meals with James or Gail and Theresa. I assume he told them so they can keep an eye on me. I shower with the door open and one of them sits in my bedroom as I do so. If I want to shave, they fetch a razor. One of them is always in the kitchen. They don't talk about sad things anymore, only positiv
I walk on ahead through the trees as Theodore follows behind me. "How could she do that in front of everyone? How can anyone take me seriously after seeing her pour a drink all over me? No one is going to respect me as their Luna now. I'm a joke! I mean, look at me," I grab my dress and frown at the giant red stain. "I knew going to that stupid gathering was going to be a mistake. It always is. It was when I met James, too." I peer back at Theodore. "How could you take me out and not her?Sheattackedme.""You're drunk, Rae. If you actually got hurt I would be as good as dead."I roll my eyes and stumble along the path, tripping over rocks. "I'm never going to another gathering again. Never. Can we—can we even go back? Or is his father still there?"