The girl nobody loved

“You are crying.”  Tessa points out the obvious, but it sounds like she is actually concerned about her when she continues, “don’t tell me that guy was actually an ass. Did he do something to you?”

Like she is about to go out and give Evan a piece of her mind.

“Nothing,” Claire wipes out the tears with her sleeves, and flops in bed, hiding her face between her legs. 

“It certainly doesn’t look like ‘nothing’ to me.”

It would have been nice if Hannah’s response had been like this back then, too. But it wasn’t.

“Mind your own business, Tessa.” It comes out a bit harsher than she intended to, and as the door shuts loudly behind the other girl, Claire feels the words of an apology stuck in her throat. 

But the moment is gone, just like Tessa, and this is exactly why she cannot make new friends.

There's this thing her wild imagination does sometimes. She would imagine her mother apologizing. Hannah apologizing. Erick begging forgiveness. Even if it wasn't something that would make her feel remotely better, she wondered what it would be like. Would there at least be some satisfaction in seeing them admit their wrongs, or how unfair they had been to her?

Evan's apology, however, isn't something she expects or wants. He said it again and again, that he’s sorry and wishes he had done more. Most people wish to be able to rewind and do things differently, fix their mistakes, but the truth is that they will never be able to take back what they did when they were seventeen.

Because sometimes she likes to imagine, what if Evan had looked at her first instead of looking at Hannah? Then she would have fallen in love with him, get the perfect high school romance he would offer. He would have said yes to her invitation to homecoming, and she would have never laid eyes on Rick or fallen for his poisonous charm at all.

The problem is, she shouldn't be thinking about these scenarios at all.

Evan is an idiot, throwing salt into the wound and forcing her to remember things she just needs to leave behind.

***

Claire also hates that she thinks of him again when she walks near the auditorium, just at the same time when the guys from the Choir are gathering there. She wouldn't even know about the Christmas concert if Evan had not mentioned it, but it turns out there is a rehearsal open to the public today, probably the last one before Thanksgiving. 

Before she realizes it, her feet are taking her into the building, and she shrinks into one of the seats in the last row, deciding she will be invisible until this is over.

Why is she staying? She doesn't even like carols.

Although they are doing some pop songs too. Some of them are pretty catchy.

“Still, All I want for Christmas is you is a very obvious choice.”

“Don't let those girls on the left hear you. I think they are in charge of directing this whole thing.”

Her eyes widen when she hears Evans' voice. He is just two seats away from her, when did he even get here?

“Are you stalking me?”

“I told you about the concert in the first place, remember? This is how I relax before diving into the load of papers I need to read for tomorrow.”

True. When she thinks about it, if it wasn't for all the painful memories surrounding their past, it was actually touching that he remembered her love for singing. Yes, he has always been a sensible person, she already knows that, so why does have to make it harder for both of them?

Why does she have to make things hard with Tessa, too? This is getting so tiring. She should apologize to her roommate next time they see each other.

Evan doesn’t exchange words with her again until the choir wraps up the presentation, and even then, Claire fully intends to leave in silence, once most of the little crowds are out of the theater. It seems Evan intends to do the same, or maybe he wants to say something, because she can see he keeps glancing at her from time to time.

Now this is awkward.

“I… Evan, I don't dislike you…” She sighs, “yesterday I was too emotional, and I couldn't tell you this. But you have done nothing wrong. At least I don't feel like you did. I hate your brother, and I hate a lot of things about the people in Green Valley. I resent many of them. Even my mom is on that list, but not you. I think you should know that.”

He is such a transparent person. Claire can see the exact moment his shoulders fall, and his lips curve up just so slightly.

“You are way too nice, Claire.”

“Do I detect some surprise in your tone?”

“No, wait, I just…” Messing up with him is actually fun. She cracks a smile, but hides it quickly as she stands up and grabs her bag. 

“Don't worry. We are good.”

Outside, the air has turned cold, and she regrets not wearing warmer clothes today.

“You know, I remember you sang at the Christmas show of our senior year.” Evan has reached her again. 

She also remembers the event he is referring to. It was the last time, before her life spiraled out of control.

“You were… you are just incredible at it.”

“Please stop. I don’t want to go there.”

“I’m sorry.” He seems like an expert at saying these words. 

So she waves her hand, dismissing his completely unnecessary apology.

***

“I’m sorry.”

Claire takes a page from Evan’s book, though, when she finds Tessa packing to go back home.

“This is new. What exactly are you sorry for?”

“I was rude to you for no reason. Look, I know you have been friendly from the start, and I don’t really do well with people, but this time I overreacted. I tend to do that when it comes to my high school issues.”

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you should really go back to therapy.”

“How do you kn-”

“... and I am not saying this to be mean, you know that.”

Tessa is just being sincere, but Claire feels a bit like a small kid again, admonished for not doing something she was supposed to do. It has been months since the last time she contacted her therapist, and mails and calls went unanswered even as it was evident she still had too much bottled up.

At first she had really tried to do this thing, but later it just felt so tiring, and there was no progress at all: her ghosts were just becoming bigger as she had to think about what happened with Rick, her mom, and Hannah, all the damn time. So she stopped.

“I know. Thank you.”

“I have to go now. I’ll bring you my mom’s cookies. Everyone could do with some homemade cookies. Are you sure you want to stay here?”

“It’ll be fine.”

Tessa finishes throwing her clothes into her luggage, and rolls her eyes at her after hearing her reassurance.

“Your hometown prince is staying too, I suppose.”

“Evan is not my prince. He is just my ex-best friend’s ex-boyfriend.”

And the brother of the man who hit her, verbally abused her, and crushed her spirits.

“Wow. I am sensing there is a complicated love triangle there.”

Claire would like to correct Tessa’s assumptions, but she doesn’t want to talk about the eldest Brown brother. 

Or maybe, there just isn’t anything to clarify.

“I am sorry to disappoint... He never looked at me that way.”