Same old tired and lonely

The voice mail from her mother asking her if she is going back home for Thanksgiving left her with a sour mood for the rest of the day, and she hasn’t even replied yet.

Go back to that awful town?

Claire remembers when she was seventeen, the happy and brilliant cheerleader and star of the glee club who’d be valedictorian by the end of their senior year. Her future looked bright back then because Claire had always been an optimist, and after getting admitted into her dream school, it felt like nothing could go wrong in her life.

Now she can’t even sing or stand on a stage.

God knows she’s trying hard. But when she stops to look back and count the horrible memories that are all linked to the hometown she left behind, she just knows that going back there is impossible.

It is a bit ironic, because Green Valley is considered to be an idyllic place by most of the people who live there, and the occasional visitors who pass by. A town kissed by sunlight every day, and yet all Claire can associate it with is darkness and the never-ending nightmares that started when she was seventeen.

“I’m not going, mom. I don’t even know why you are asking me this. I already told you I have no intention to see your face ever again.”

That’s what she wants to say. That’s what old Claire, who was always blunt and spoke her mind no matter what others would think, would say. But old Claire is long gone.

Now she’s become this person who’s walking on eggshells, too afraid to make a mistake and piss off the wrong person.

So she texts instead.

[I’m sorry. I’ll be visiting dad.]

Obviously a lie, because she’d rather stay alone in her room or studying in the library all day instead of visiting her dad and his perfect new family. He is barely any better than her mother, and she hates him too, but she hates her mom way more and she knows this will hurt her.

Her perfect world crashed down when she was fifteen and they divorced, but deep down she already knew it was going to happen one day. All they did was avoid each other and when they were both at home she could hear them fight behind closed doors. Her dad would go on longer work trips every time, and her mom only came home late at night.

But then they finally signed the papers and her dad moved to another state to marry a woman who was only a few years older than Claire. It was so easy for him to cut ties with them and start from scratch, leaving her behind.

She stayed with her mom, like any good daughter would do. But what good did it do to her? Her mom barely came home from the fire station, and it was in her absence and the feeling of being abandoned by both her parents that she met him.

The man who destroyed her like she was a stupid, useless toy to be played with.

What did her mom do afterward, when she gathered enough courage to tell someone what was happening?

“Claire, Rick would never do something like that.”

***

She had another nightmare that day.

Claire dreams with Erick the night of the homecoming party, when she first met him. He looks like Prince Charming reincarnated and praises her singing. In the dream, he actually invites her to dance, and when he spins her around the dance floor, Claire feels his hands becoming claws that bury into her flesh. No one else is around to see them, so no one can save her either, and she cannot escape.

She wakes up before the sunrise, in need of fresh air, and hanges into her sports clothes. Going out for a walk always helps her to light up her mood when the bad thoughts come back to haunt her. Outside the world is still beautiful, even if she can’t be part of that beauty anymore.

At this time there aren’t many people running around the campus, but soon enough she realizes the nightmare is not over yet when she sees a familiar figure coming from the opposite direction.

It is impossible, it can’t be him.

Except it is. She is about to turn back, hoping he didn’t see her, but of course luck isn’t on her side.

“Claire?”

So she puts on her biggest fake smile and walks half of the steps to cut the distance between them.

“This is a surprise! Evan, I didn’t know you studied here too”

It is true. In the year and a half she’s been on campus, this is the first time she sees him around. Besides, Hannah always said they would go together to L.A. and they did so. Claire just assumed he’d be there.

Oh, right, Kat did mention once that he and Hannah had broken up. But even if that was the case, was the whole college plan just based on their teenage love?

She hoped to never see Evan again after the trial.

“Well, I just transferred here at the beginning of this semester, so maybe that’s why we never crossed paths.”

There were probably few reasons for them to meet anyway, as they were headed in very different directions, academically speaking. He used to be good at everything in school, competing with her for the valedictorian title, but she also noticed he was always more into science.

“It’s good to see a familiar face.” He adds, smiling at her.

“Yeah… same here.” She says, deciding to be polite instead of being honest.

Clear green eyes, and long brown hair always in disarray (as if he’d just had gotten laid), Evan was one of the hottest guys in Green Valley High from the very first day of class in their junior year, when he just moved in town with his father and brother. Then he got together with Hannah, one of Claire’s best friends, so they used to hang out often in school.

Back then, she used to look up to him, a genuinely nice guy. Even when everything happened, he was one of the few who believed her (when not even her mom believed she was telling the truth at first). When he showed up at the trial, she was moved to tears, because he was the last person on earth she thought would testify against Erick.

In different circumstances, they could be friends.

“Uh, I was wondering… would you like to grab some coffee?” He seems to be as uncomfortable as she is.

‘Well, he could have gone to any other school if he didn’t want to see me. That’s what Daddy’s money is for, right?’

Why did Hannah never tell her that Evan was studying here? Sighing, she reminds herself that they are not friends anymore, so there’s no reason for Hannah to tell her anything.

“Maybe another day. I have a lecture with Mr. Brown early this morning, and no one cannot be late to his class, not even for a second. Do you know him? He teaches History.”

“I’m not taking any of his classes. But I’ve heard he’s quite strict. So, maybe another day?”

Claire forces herself to smile.

“Of course. Then...” She points to her building, “I am going back, so… see you around.”

In different circumstances, they could have been friends. But they never were that close in the past, partly because in their first year he rejected her when she invited him to the homecoming party only to go with her best friend instead (because of course, the most sought-after guy in their year would choose the cheerleading captain). At the time it felt like an insult, and she never quite forgot about it.

Or maybe she would have made an exception for sweet-but-hot Evan, if only he wasn’t a walking reminder of what happened to her.

God, she hates him.