Her Past

[Ivan’s POV]

"Who?"

I eyed Arissa as she continued to stare into the mirror ahead of her. Despite her insisting that something was there, I just couldn’t see it. Was she playing some sort of trick? Or was she actually seeing something?

"Kids," Arissa muttered, reaching out and touching the mirror’s surface. "All the kids I killed in the past."

At her words, I felt my heart clench painfully as images of that boy that attempted to kill her in the past appeared. Though I had managed to see that much of her memories, I hadn’t had the heart to actually ask her about it.

"Maybe you’re just tired." I murmured, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her against me. "Why don’t you try getting some sleep."

"Sleep." The word came out quietly, but she didn’t protest as I pulled her closer. "I still need to brush my teeth." She pointed out, finally seeming to snap out of her daze.

"Then let me help you."

Even though I knew that she didn’t need my help, something about leaving her alone in this moment didn’t sit right. Despite her attempt at trying to come across as unphased, I could tell that she was shaken by whatever had happened. If I left her alone now, she would definitely begin to spiral, trying to bottle it all up.

"I’m not a child." Arissa sighed, lifting a shaky hand and touching my cheek. "I appreciate your concern though."

Nodding, I quickly kissed the top of Arissa’s head and began to move myself. Slowly, I untangled myself in hopes that she would stop me. But when she didn't, I headed out of the room and made my way to the large stone balcony that was attached to our room.

Outside, the moon was high in the sky and I could make out our ceremony guests were still hanging around drinking and enjoying themselves. After learning that Arissa was fine and simply exhausted, they continued to carry on making too much noise and filling the air with the stench of alcohol.

Letting out a grumble, I pulled a cigarette from my pocket and brought it to my lips. I knew that Arissa hated this habit, but after seeing her like that, I had to admit I was unnerved and needed it to clear my head.

‘Excuses.’ Bastian chuckled, sending waves of irritation through me. ‘You just have no self-control.’

‘No self control?’ I repeated, letting out a chuckle of my own. ‘I think I did damn good waiting for Arissa to accept us.’

Memories of that time began to flash across my mind, reminding me of just how truly broken Arissa and I both were. Although we were working towards fixing ourselves, we still had a ways to go. But it was nothing compared to now.

"Ivan?"

"Shit!"

Pulling the cigarette from my lips, I quickly stubbed it out and turned to watch Arissa make her way towards me. A look of dissatisfaction flashed in her eyes, and I knew that I was about to get an earful about smoking.

"First…" I began as she stopped directly in front of me. "I’m just…"

"Shut up." Arissa growled, snaking her arms around me and pressing her lips against mine. "I’ll let you off for tonight."

Despite knowing that something was wrong, I couldn’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around Arissa’s waist and pulling her closer while my tongue began to dance with hers. The minute her essence and scent enveloped me, I lost control and could only do as nature intended.

"Should we..." Arissa murmured, pulling away just enough to look into my eyes. "Back inside?"

Inside… Right, we were standing on a fucking balcony where everyone could see. Something about that actually didn’t sound too bad.

"Come on." Arissa giggled, swatting my arm. "Don’t even think about it. What we do behind closed doors is meant for only us. "

"Are you sure about that?" I countered, remembering the many, many times she attempted to jump me in front of my pack mates.

"Well," Arissa trailed off, her eyes flashing mischeviously.

Fuck, this woman was truly going to be the death of me. She was too damn alluring, especially while standing there in that far too short lace shift without any underwear.

‘Snap out of it.’ Bastian hissed as I moved forward for another attack. ‘Something’s wrong with her!’

‘What?’

Dammit! Why did Bastian have to remind me of this? All I wanted to do was fuck Arissa’s brains out and go to sleep. Tomorrow, we had to go and meet with the nomads that travelled all the way here for a peace conference.

"What’s wrong?" Arissa asked, reaching out and touching my arm. "You suddenly became distracted."

"I think..." I began, while unable to believe I was about to say this. "Instead of having sex tonight, we should talk."

"Talk?" Arissa repeated, furrowing her brows. "Are you being serious?"

"I know." I huffed, shaking my head. "I can’t believe I’m saying this either, but you’ve been mentioning seeing dead kids all night. I think we should discuss that."

"What is there to talk about?" Arissa asked, immediately going on guard.

Reaching out, I pulled Arissa to me once more and rested my chin on her head. Didn’t she realize that just by going on guard about something so traumatic, I would immediately want to know and share her burdens?

"Can you tell me about that time?" I managed, holding my breath while Arissa’s tiny body tensed against me.

"Why are you asking?" She demanded, beginning to attempt to untangle herself.

Tightening my hold, I lifted her and gently positioned her in my arms so I was carrying her princess style. Ignoring her continuing to fight to break free, I headed inside and sat down on our bed, making her sit in my lap.

"Arissa, clearly something about that time is bothering you if you’re beginning to see those kids. I want to help you, but you have to let me in. "

As I spoke, Arissa averted her gaze and nervously nibbled her lip. For a moment, her body remained stiff, and I was almost positive that if I let go, she would bolt. But after a few more moments, she began to relax and then finally let out a long breath.

"Do you really want to hear about this?" She asked quietly, turning her beautiful eyes to meet mine. "You may not love me anymore once you know. After all, I’ve killed many innocents. "

"No matter what you say or do, I won’t love you any less." I promised, kissing her cheek. "I understand at that time you had no other choice."

"Then where should I begin?" She sighed, seeming to go somewhere far away. "The very beginning, when I was sent to that place, or when I made my first kill?"

"How about the very beginning?" I suggested, nuzzling her throat. "The night is young and we have nothing but time."