Chapter 4 - Brutal

Solange Raviea Cervana

I have been so fascinated with the beaches ever since I was a kid. The non-stop waves, the feeling of the sand on my feet, the breeze of the cold wind, and the sea water, I somehow find comfort in it and it makes me feel as if I have a safe place to go whenever everything's exhausting for me. But this day was an exception. Mayroong parte sa akin na gustong-gusto umalis sa lugar na ito… Na hindi ako nararapat dito. I wanted to leave so bad.

The distinct sound of waves was the first thing I heard when I ran away from the mansion. Mas lalo pa akong naiyak dahil tuloy-tuloy akong tumakbo palayo kahit na walang saplot ang aking mga paa. The sharpness of the stone from the sand caused my feet to bleed. Dahil sa likod ng mansyon ako lumabas, mas matalim ang mga batong nakakakalat doon. The wind kept on blowing in my direction. As I held my long white dress, someone called me. 

“Solange, you coward!” she shouted. 

“Leave me alone!” I tightened my grip on the hem of my dress more when I felt the salt water touch the soles of my feet. That caused more sting. I had no choice but to stop running. My hands were shaking, I felt something in my neck that made me unable to breathe properly. The unfamiliar girl followed me still.

“The sophisticated and clever woman suddenly turned into a scaredy-cat, huh?” I felt how close she is now. I wanted to run, pero ang dalawang paa ko na patuloy na dinadaanan ng alon ay nanatili sa pwesto, tila may pumipigil sa akin para i-hakbang iyon. “Aren’t you tired of pretending that you’re good enough for people? Hindi ka ba nagsasawang panindigan iyang kahulugan ng pangalan mo? Kasi ako, pagod na.They were making you feel like you were flawless, where in fact, you’re not! You were damaged… you’re in pain. But they keep on invalidating that because you’re not speaking for yourself.” 

“What am I supposed to do with that?” Tears fell on my eyes when she suddenly slapped the truth. “Sa tingin mo ba, kapag sinabi ko sa kanilang ayoko na… titigilan nila ‘ko? Kapag ba sinabi ko sa kanila na pagod na ‘ko… magbabago ba ang isip nila? You don’t know them, they are more than what you think, so stop meddling with my problems because you know nothing, not even a bit of it.” 

“Wake the fucking up, Solange! They never cared for you. You were just like a piece of cigarette who completes their leisure. At kapag naubos ka, walang matitira sa ‘yo,” she furiously uttered. “Tama ako diba? Tama ako… kasi ubos ka na ngayon. There was nothing left but yourself.” She remains on the back, still.  

“Stop…” I pleaded and tightly closed my eyes. 

“I won’t until you do something about it.” Her voice suddenly changed as it gave me chills. 

“What are you trying to imply?” Napatingin ako sa ibaba nang maramdaman ko ang marahas na alon na dumampi sa paa ko. 

“Look in front,” she said. I gazed in front just like what she said. I noticed the ocean was on its high tide. Bigla rin dumilim ang langit, naghuhudyat ng paparating na ulan. “Do you want to stop it?” 

“Stop what?” I confusedly asked. 

“The suffering… the pain, all of it. Do you want to end it?” she asked. 

“Badly,” I nodded and once again shed tears. 

“Walk, drown yourself, and never… ever come back,” she whispered. 

The cold breeze caressed my skin. I looked at the back and there was nothing but the trees that kept on swaying because of the wind. I rigorously stepped forward. Patuloy lang ako sa paghakbang, hanggang sa umabot na sa baywang ang taas ng tubig.  

I once gazed at the back again when I heard a vague voice calling me. “Solange…” Napapikit ako nang may maramdaman na kakaibang kirot sa ulo ko.I pressed my temples together and continued to walk away from the shore. It felt like I hadn't swum in years when the level of the water reached my shoulder and without any equipment, I doubtlessly let my whole being be devoured by the waves.

One, two, three…I counted on my mind. It took three seconds for me to realize that I was slowly losing air inside me, and for the first time in my life… I found peace.

I breathed heavily. Palubog na ang araw nang mapatingin ako sa karagatan. Ang liwanag na nagmumula sa araw ay patuloy na tumatama sa mukha ko kapag nawawala ang lilim na nanggagaling sa mga puno. A familiar song was playing on the stereo, hindi ko na namalayan na huminto na ang sasakyan sa tapat ng building kung saan magaganap ang auction party. Kumuha muna ako salamin sa pouch ko para matingnan ang mukha at nang handa na sa paglabas ay huminga ako nang malalim.

Ang mga ilaw na nagmumula sa kaliwa’t kanan na camera ang unang sumalubong sa akin. Tinanggal ko ang salamin na humaharang sa mata ko bago ako dahan-dahan na naglakad. The red carpet complemented my black halter gown, I gently held the white fur wrapped around me when I stopped walking to smile in front of the camera. As my gown had a slit, I let one leg out.

The center of attraction has always been my label for people. All of the articles and news I have seen, none of them failed to praise everything about me. From the way I carry myself in front of the cameras to the way I have always been confident about how I look. 

Nagsisinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi ako napapagod sa kung paano nila ako tratuhin, dahil isang maling gawa ko lang ay alam kong mag-iiba ang tingin ng marami sa akin. They'd be disappointed in me because they've always seen me as a perfect human being, whereas in reality, I'm scarred and wounded.

“Looking good as always, Ms. Cervana!” puri ng isang photographer. Bahagya akong ngumiti. The two bodyguards on duty to accompany me followed my lead. Ngunit hindi pa ako tuluyang nakakapasok sa loob ay may biglang tumakbo papalapit sa amin. 

“Ms. Solange! Tinanggalan ng trabaho ang Mama ko. Please po, wala na po kaming ibang mahahanapan ng panibagong trabaho. Parang awa niyo na po, may sakit pa iyong kapatid ko! Tulungan niyo po kami!” Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko. 

Wala akong sinabi at hinayaan lang siyang damputin no’ng butler na kasama ko. 

“Ms. Solange! Wala na po kaming gamot pambili sa kapatid ko! Hindi po puwedeng mawalan ng trabaho si Mama!” hagulgol nito habang pumipiglas pa. 

I looked away when they successfully made her leave. Diretso na akong pumasok sa loob, hindi na inalintana ang nangyaring gulo. I have nothing to do with it because I know my father. He wouldn’t let me meddle with his life kahit na buong buhay ko ay ganoon ang ginawa niya sa akin.

Nang makapasok ako sa loob ay roon ko mas napagtanto na engrande ang salo-salo dahil sa mga dumalong artista at mga kilala sa publiko. May mga bumati sa ‘kin na ilan sa mga kakilala ko, ang iba pa nga sa kanila ay hindi ko matandaan kung nakausap o nakita ko na ba dati. 

Nang makita ko ang butler na papunta sa pwesto ko ay agad akong kumuha ng champagne, that's when I started to observe people. Unang tingin mo pa lang sa kanila ay matitiyak mo na ang antas ng kanilang buhay. Simula sa kanilang kasuotan hanggang sa kung paano sila makihalubilo sa mga tao. In just a glimpse, I knew I belonged, that I fit in, and that I'd be enslaved to this kind of living for the rest of my life. 

“Hi! You’re from Celestial Modeling Company, right?” A girl with a high ponytail approached me. I nodded, putting down my glass. “I'm wondering whether you'd be interested in working as an ambassaddress for my recently launched cosmetics.” She smiled while I remained with a straight face.

“No, I’m sorry… Excuse me please?” Umalis ako sa harap niya para makapaghanap ng panibagong pwesto. Ngunit nang huminto ako  sa isang bakanteng lamesa ay na sa harapan ko na naman siya. 

“I badly want to recruit you. My father might neglect me kapag hindi naging successful itong business ko.” Pinagdikit niya ang palad niya. I slightly raised a brow.

“What do you mean?” My brows creased. “Aren’t you aware that I’m a Cervana?” I uttered it with arrogance because she seemed unbothered with it.

She just smiled and moved a little bit closer to me. “Of course, alam ko! I won’t approach you if hindi ko alam, hello?” she laughed a little, nawala ang ngiti niya nang mapansin niyang hindi ako natawa. “I’m sorry... But, could you please help me with this? Gusto kong patunayan sa magulang ko na kaya kong tumayo sa sarili kong paa kahit wala sila.”  

“You can do it without using other people,” ani ko.

“But I can do it with you, too…” She’s persuasive still. “I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Laurene Bianca Medina, but Rene is enough. You’re Solange Raviea Cervana, the top model from CMC. Yes, I know that. And I’m here to recruit you as my first ambassadress in Rene Cosmetics,” she said with a formal tone while offering a calling card. 

“Love, let’s go,” Vernon suddenly appeared. Laurene glanced at him and quickly got intimidated by his presence. Vernon put his hand on my waist. Hindi ko na pinansin pa ang nag-alok sa ‘kin at patuloy na sa paglakad.

“Ms. Solange! The calling card!” habol niya pa ngunit hindi na ako lumingon pa.

“Where the hell were you earlier?” I mumbled. “The media is all over the place. Mabuti na lang at hindi ako tinanong kung bakit hindi kita kasama pumasok. Oh, well! I can handle myself alone but—” I was caught off guard when he gently pressed my waist. He kissed my temple, which made me side step a little bit. Nag flash ang camera sa hindi kalayuan. I intently looked at him. “What the fuck, Vernon?” The champagne glass I’m holding was about to fall but thank God I managed to stay still.

“There’s a camera,” He whispered, caressing his lips on my ear. Tumaas ang balahibo ko sa ginawa niya ngunit hindi ko iyon pinahalata, imbis na ginaya rin ang ginagawa niya.

“Ang tindi mo rin talaga magpanggap.” I came close and breathed on his neck. I almost dampened my lips on it. “I’m going to slice your neck once the event finishes,”

“So brutal, hmm?” He chuckled and continued walking with me.