Chapter 1

Zoella Anson

“Zoe! Come.”

I saw my mom’s bright face with both her arms suspended in the air while she waited for me excitedly. That’s me… the almost two-year old little Zoe, making her first big steps.

Kitang-kita ko ang saya sa mga mata ni Laurel at ang malaki at inosenteng ngiting nakapaskil sa batang ako. Parang kailan lang, pakiramdam ko handa na ‘kong harapin ang mundo. Taking my big steps to finally explore the world and the bright future my little self innocently pictured out for her future, it was such a moment. Na akala ko, kaya ko nang hamunin ang mundo dahil kaya ko ng maglakad sa sarili kong mga paa… mga paang unti-unting naglalakad patungo sa yakap ng aking ina.

“Woah! You finally did it, Zoe!” Laurel blissfully exclaimed. Her voice echoed in our simple and humble abode.

Ramdam ko ang mahigpit na yakap ni mom. She felt so proud of my milestone. The innocent little Zoe beamed so widely with eyes full of pride in her new achievement. How I wish I can turn back the time to savor every moment I felt victorious and accomplished. How I wish my little me appreciated and cherished those little successes she had growing up – her first steps, her first words, her first knowledge of things, and all those once in a lifetime ‘firsts’. If she only knew how life could be so unfair and short, those firsts would’ve been felt and celebrated way differently.

“Zoe!” narinig kong may tumawag ulit sa’kin pero hindi ito boses ni mom.

“Zoe!”

Sienna? tanong ko sa isip. Doon ko napagtanto na nananaginip ako. I squinted my eyes and slowly opened them only to be greeted by that familiar white ceiling and scent. Pero biglang nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita si Sienna na halos namumula ang mga mata.

Sinubukan kong bumangon kahit na naramdaman ko ang kirot ng d****b ko. I just knew from that familiar sting that I must’ve fainted again. This time, I had lost count. But Sienna shouldn’t be here with me in the ER.

“S-Sienna…” I called out with my hoarse voice.

Tinulungan niya ‘kong makaupo ng maayos at marahan niyang hinimas ang aking mga kamay. Her eyes were full of worries as they gazed at mine.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sienna’s voice was a mixture of hurt, betrayed, and worry.

Sa mga salita niya palang na ‘yon, alam ko na na maaring nalaman niya ‘yong kundisyon ko habang wala akong malay.

I deeply sighed and cupped her hands with mine before responding with a weak smile, “This is why I didn’t tell anyone. Ayokong tingnan mo ‘ko ng ganyan.”

“Zoe, this is not something you should keep from us… or at least from me. We’re best friend.” Sienna’s tears well up in her eyes and I suddenly felt the guilt creeping inside me.

Alam kong medyo galit siya dahil hindi ko sinabi sa kanya ang sakit ko. Pero ramdam ko sa boses niya na mas nag-aalala siya at natatakot para sa ‘kin. I understand her. We grew up together and were practically sisters. If I were in her shoes, I would feel the same.

“I’m sorry.” I faintly said with apologetic eyes.

Sienna helplessly sighed. Alam niyang itatago niya rin and kalagayan niya kung siya ang nasa sitwasyon ko. Kaya niyakap niya na lamang ako ng mahigpit at kahit hindi ko nakikita, alam kong tinatago niya sa ‘kin ang mga luha sa mata niya. I really feel bad for my best friend.

“So, anong plano mo? Kailan mo sasabihin kay tita?” Sienna asked after breaking the hug.

“Hindi ko alam… o baka hindi ko na lang sabihin sa kanya. Ayokong mag-alala pa siya sa ‘kin. I want to save her from the agony of my condition.” I genuinely told her.

“Alam mong hindi mo matatago sa kanya ‘to. At some point, you have to. Who knows? She might send you somewhere and seek for help.” Sienna tried to convince me.

Ngumiti lamang ako sa kanya. “If I want to ask for help, I would’ve done it two years ago. But I don’t want to waste my remaining time trying to cheat on life. We’re all going to die eventually. Mauuna lang ako.”

“Hey!” at mahina niya ‘kong hinampas sa braso, “Stop making jokes about your life. This is not funny.”

Tumawa naman ako sa sinabi niya. “I’m not joking. I just accepted it and chose to live with it. Mas madali ‘yon rather than me stressing about something inevitably going to happen. Look, I’m completely fine. Okay? Wala namang masakit sa ‘kin eh. Kung hindi mo nga ‘ko dinala rito, hindi mo rin malalamang may sakit ako eh, ‘di ba? Because I’m really fine.”

I know, I had to lie a little to make her believe me and stop convincing me to tell my mom. Not her. I will never be ready to tell her that her daughter is disappearing soon.

Tiningnan ako ni Sienna ng ilang segundo bago bumuntong hininga ulit. She just gave me a weak smile before speaking again, “Fine. But you can’t keep anything from me ever again, okay? Or else I’m really going to be mad at you.”

I genuinely beamed. “I won’t. I promise.”

Sienna and I had been best friends for as long as I could remember. She’s that sister I never had with my mother, but gladly I met her when I was a kid as the pretty and shy little girl next door. Simula noon, para na kaming kambal-tuko na hindi mapaghiwalay. Sienna has always been my support system on literally everything. Kaya naman walang sikreto ang hindi niya nalalaman. Kagaya na lang nitong sakit ko. Naitago ko man sa kanya ng dalawang taon, pero hindi ko inakalang sa ganitong paraan niya pa malalaman. But I am still thankful that I saved myself from a nerve-wracking talk with her about my condition because if not for this incident, I would’ve never mustered the courage to tell her. So, I guess this was a good thing, at least for me.

It was in a broad daylight. I had my chest pain, shortness of breath, and nausea that eventually caused me to faint. At this point, those pains became normal for me. Kaya naman sa loob ng dalawang taon, hindi nahalata ni Sienna ‘yong kundisyon ko. Hindi ko na rin alam kung ilang beses na ‘kong pabalik-balik sa E.R dahil sa mga gantong pagkakataon at madalas, mag-isa lang akong nagigising rito. At first, I thought those common occurrences were just normal when you’re overworked or experiencing fatigue. Kaya naman hindi ko inakalang iba na pala. Lumaki ako ng kaming dalawa lang ni mom at sa pagkakaalala ko, wala naman siyang nabanggit na history ng sakit sa pamilya namin. Kahit pa nga ang dad ko na hindi ko nakilala. That’s why I never imagined getting this sick… not until I was diagnosed two years ago.

Pero gaya ng sabi ko kay Sienna, I already accepted my fate. Kaya naman sinusubukan kong mamuhay ng normal habang unti-unti kong tinutupad ang mga bagay na gusto ko pang maranasan bago man lang ako mawala.

Habang kinukwento ko kay Sienna ang mga nangyari sa ‘kin sa nakaraang dalawang taon at kung pa’no ko nalaman ang sakit ko, may nurse na tumingin sa ‘kin at sinabing kailangan ko kumonsulta sa doktor bago ako makaalis. Tiningnan ko si Sienna nang nakangiti dahil siya naman ay nalungkot.

“Do you want to wait for me here? It won’t be long.” I tried to make her stay because I didn’t want her to hear what the doctor had to say.

Sienna firmly shook her head. “I will come. I have to.”

The walk from the E.R to my doctor’s office felt so long and dragging. Maybe because Sienna was with me when I usually visit him alone. Alam kong medyo gumaan ‘yong pakiramdam ko dahil ngayon, may tao na ‘kong pwedeng pagsabihan. Pero mabigat sa d****b kong malaman ni Sienna ‘yong kundisyon ko.

For the first time when I was about to reach the door of my doctor’s room, I felt cold sweats. I subtly bit my lower lip to ease the sting in my chest and the nervousness I somehow felt because of Sienna. Naramdaman ko ang kamay niya sa likod ko at pagtingin ko sa kanya, ngumiti lang siya bago nagsalita.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be fine.” I felt like crying hearing those words for the first time. But I held it in and just softly nodded before finally opening the door.

“Hello, Dr. Green,” pagbati ko sa aking doktor.

“Zoe. Oh, you have… someone with you.” Dr. Green’s forehead furrowed at the sight of my best friend.

Sa dalawang taon kong pabalik-balik sa opisina niya, ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng kasama kaya naman inasahan ko na ang ganitong reaksyon mula sa kanya. Ngumiti ako at pinakilala ko si Sienna.

“Yes. This is Sienna. She’s my best friend. She… brought me in the E.R.” I shyly responded like I was caught red handed about something.

Ngumiti naman si Dr. Green and kinamayan si Sienna. “Finally! Someone related to her. Nice to meet you here.”

“Thank you. Though, it would’ve been nice if we didn’t meet, don’t you think?” Sienna tried to joke but all of us knew that she also meant what she said.

“I’m so sorry. I wish for that, too. Pero masaya ‘kong makitang may kasama na si Zoe. I’ve been telling her for years.” Dr. Green jokingly glared at me without losing his smile before adding, “Please have a seat.”

“Yes. I’m also glad I’m here,” sagot naman ni Sienna kay Dr. Green.

After the introduction, Dr. Green started to check on my record from his monitor before looking at me. Pakiramdam ko mas mabigat ‘yong mga tingin niya sa ‘kin ngayon o baka dahil nasa tabi ko rin si Sienna, tahimik na naghihintay ng sasabihin ng doktor. I felt that sting in my chest again.

“As expected, your symptoms are starting to happen more often. Are you missing your medications? Perhaps, being overworked?” Dr. Green intently inquired from me.

Napatingin muna ako kay Sienna bago marahang umiling at sumagot, “No, ‘Doc. I’ve been religiously following my dosage and prescriptions. Isa pa, hindi naman na po kami gan’on ka-busy sa art gallery. So, I don’t think it’s from overworking.”

The middle-aged man gently nodded, “I see. Let’s have you scheduled for some tests, then.”

“Tests? Why, Doc? Kamusta po ‘yong kundisyon niya?” Sienna was frantic.

“As Zoe and I have discussed before…” tiningnan ako ni Dr. Green na tila ba nanghihingi ng permiso ko na ituloy ang kung ano man ang gusto niyang sabihin. So, I just weakly smiled and waited for his next words, “…her symptoms will eventually happen even if she’s at rest or doing nothing. Her dyspnea and sudden fainting will occur more often now. Her condition is progressing as expected.”

Biglang kumirot muli ang aking d****b. I secretly sucked my inner cheeks to conceal the little pricks in my chest as I felt Sienna’s caress on my hands. Kita ko ang namumuo na namang luha sa mga mata niya kaya naman hinawakan ko rin ang kamay niya at ngumiti bago ko ulit binalik ang aking atensyon kay Dr. Green.

“I understand, Doc. I’ll free my schedule next week for the tests.”