Chapter one

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Where do we go from here?

Chapter one

There I was, twenty-nine years old, three beautiful children and divorced. Who would want me now?

I had always dreamt of being a mum and a wife, one of those 1940’s wives you would see in the movies. I loved my family life, looking after my three babies, helping them with homework, cooking and cleaning while the children were at school and having a nice hot meal ready on the table for when my husband got home. Everything seemed perfect, that was until I stumbled across emails, I clearly was not meant to find….

’Work is so fun with you Dylan; I can’t believe you threw water on my top and made it go see-through’.

’I liked what I saw, and I really like you Stacey, we should meet up more often’.

‘What about your wife?’

‘I’ll tell her I’m going to see my friends; you make me feel so different, I want to be with you’.

There it was in black and white, and my world came tumbling down around me.

“Mum, what’s for dinner?”, in walks Joshua, my eldest. I pull myself together quickly so he can’t see I’m upset; I will get through this; I think to myself.

“I’ve made us a cottage pie honey; it should be ready in about twenty minutes”.

Joshua rushes off happily to play another game on his games console.

*

Just as I start to set the table, in walks Dylan, after what I would have originally thought would have been a hard day at work, apparently not! Dylan is a head chef at the local pub restaurant in our village, it’s a typical country pub where all the locals go and everyone knows everyone (and everyone’s business) he looks tired and wet from the downpour of rain outside, or maybe another water fight at work.

He walks in and kisses me on the cheek,

“Dinner smells good”, he says as he chucks his coat on the sofa, shoes kicked off by the back door instead of putting them away on the rack, that’s never bothered me before, I’ve always liked looking after him but today is different. I look at him, acting so normal, my cheeks feel hot and my eyes well up, I feel sick in my stomach just being near him, she’s been near him, I wonder how long they’ve been talking to each other like this, and how far has it gone?

I push back the tears and try to carry on as normal for the sake of the children, the last thing I want is for them to be upset, especially as I don’t know yet what has really happened.

I can remember when Dylan and I first got together, his best friend Jake and Dylan’s ex-girlfriend, Carla, who he was still friends with at the time, both warned me that Dylan was the cheating type and not to be trusted but I thought they were both saying it due to jealousy. I knew Carla still had feelings for him and Jake had asked me on a date previously, so I ignored their warnings.

Dylan also had a way with words and somehow managed to say exactly what you wanted to hear. He seemed to be able to talk his way out of anything.

Dylan was tall, dark and handsome, everyone would say how good looking he was when I introduced him to my friends and I never felt like I was good enough for him, maybe this was actually the case?

Back then he made me feel secure and I knew he would never do anything to hurt me, we married when I was just twenty-one years old, a simple wedding in a hotel with close friends and family. I had lost my Dad due to suicide when I was twenty years old, he never met Dylan or got to walk me down the aisle, my brother-in-law Danny had the privilege instead. I was full of mixed emotions that day, so happy to be becoming Dylan’s wife and having my family around me, but seeing Danny walk in to the room where I was waiting made me feel sad that my Dad really wasn’t going to be there.

Four years later along came Joshua. Everything seemed perfect, floating along in life in our ‘happy’ little bubble we had Rosie when Joshua was two and then Harry two years after that.

We had a black Labrador named Penelope, she was a loving loyal dog but completely mental and she doted on the children.

I call Joshua down for dinner, I hear him racing down the stairs and it sounds like a herd of elephants, how can one child make so much noise, especially as he’s a skinny little thing, my beautiful boy with scruffy brown hair, sparkling blue eyes and the cheekiest smile that could melt a thousand hearts. Then in walks my little Princess, Rosie is two years old and already has gorgeous locks of hair down to her bum, she’s carrying her favourite doll, it’s a big doll with a sparkly blue dress and curly blonde hair, ‘blue girl’ she calls her, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a child more in love with a toy. Harry is only six weeks old and sleeps peacefully in his cot, I watch him on the monitor while I dish up dinner.

“What have you been up to today?” asks Dylan, I look around our pristine house and at the home-cooked meal I’ve just put in front of him,

“Nothing much” I reply. I wonder if he ever notices how much work I actually do, now that I think about it, I don’t think he’s ever complemented me on how lovely the house is, or thanked me for everything I do for our family, even after we had Joshua and Dylan went back to work two weeks later, he still came home to a beautiful house and decent food on the table. I worked so hard at being the perfect wife for him and the best mum I could possibly be that in the process I completely lost myself.

Trying to keep a smile on my face I talk to Joshua about the game he has been playing, his eyes light up when he explains what he’s created on his new game, he is so genuinely excited to talk about it. I notice Dylan texting on his phone, I wonder if he’s texting her.

“Not hungry?” Dylan asks as he finally looks up from his phone, and see’s me pushing my food around the plate.

“No, I’m not feeling too well”,

“Ok, I’m off to the loo”. Leaving me to clear the table Dylan gets up and goes upstairs taking his phone with him.

*

Once I’ve put the children to bed, read them stories and tucked them in tightly I know I have to talk to Dylan about these messages. I feel that horrible, nervous, sick feeling coming back, and my hands start to shake as I approach the living room where Dylan sits playing on his Xbox with his head set on.

Back when we were newlyweds we would watch movies that we ordered from N*****x, they used to send the DVD’s out in the post. I was always so excited when they came, knowing we would snuggle up to watch the film, I liked having some ‘us’ time. We didn’t do that anymore, in fact, I think it had been a few years since we had, I don’t recall when we stopped spending time together.

I know that in the next few seconds my life is going to change forever. I hope I can do this. I take a deep breath,

“I, I… know about Stacey, I found the messages”, my voice quivers,

Dylan looks at me like a deer in the headlights, the blood drains from his face and all he can seem to do is gawk at me, he takes off his headset but still holds on to the controller,

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he finally responds and looks back to the screen,

“I’m not an idiot Dylan, I’ve read them all and I’ve heard enough stories about Stacey to know what she’s like”,

Stacey had long brown hair and a nice figure but quite a mean looking face, constant resting Bitch face and I was trying to figure out why he would go there when he has us right here.

He pauses again, desperately searching for an answer that might be able to save him.

“It didn’t mean anything, I didn’t mean to, I love you”

“She even asked about me Dylan and you said you’d lie to me about where you were going and that she makes you feel different, how long has this been going on for?”

Dylan looks so sad, his face drops and he begins to cry, why do I feel bad for him! What is wrong with me? Seeing him sat there so vulnerable makes me want to hug him and tell him everything is going to be ok, but I don’t, I stand strong, I need answers,

“Six months, it started six months ago but I promise, it doesn't mean anything, I love you”.

Dylan blubbers and falls to his knees. Six months, this was happening while I was pregnant with Harry, I’ve been that dumb for six whole months, cooking him dinners, running him baths and being an all-round decent wife, to be treated like that. I feel my face turning red and my whole body seems to be on fire, I’m so angry and hurt and I feel dirty, really dirty, had he been with her and then come home to me, I can’t bare the thought of him ever touching me again. He looks up at me,

“Please forgive me, it won’t happen again, I promise”.

Funnily enough his promises don’t mean that much to me anymore.

“I need you to leave, I need time to process this” I managed to say through clenched teeth.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry so much before, why have I started to feel bad for him again, maybe he really does realise that he’s messed up, maybe it can be fixed but certainly not right now. I need time to think this through on my own first. He grabs his coat and leaves through the back door, I follow to see him go, he slams it shut as he goes which shakes the wall and knocks down a photo that’s hung there, a photo of us all, our beautiful family, the frame cracks and the glass smashes all over the kitchen floor, I fall to the floor and cry silently into my hands.

*

About an hour later I’m sat on my sofa with a cup of tea and my best friend Liana,

“I can’t believe he’s done this to you”, she says, her eyes wider than I’ve ever seen them before and her face turning pink with rage, “I’m going to kill him, what an absolute prick”!

Liana has been my best friend for the last two years, we met when Joshua started preschool, she worked there and when Joshua left to go up to reception class at the primary school, we got to know each other better. We always say we’re soul sisters, we even have matching tattoos that say, ‘Soul Sisters’ with two girls on a swing’.

Thankfully Liana lives just behind my house and ran over as soon as I had phoned. I don’t think she understood a word I was saying on the phone as I was crying so much but she knew she needed to be here.

“Listen, whatever decision you make, whether you fix things or not, I will always be here to support you”, Liana continues. I believe her with all my heart. Liana is honestly the best friend that I could have ever wished for. I lost most of my friends when Dylan and I got together, he didn’t like any of my friends and then I guess we all just grew apart. There were a few mum’s at the school I had said ‘Hello’ to on the school run but no one I felt close to.

Just then I get a text, it’s from Stacey!

‘Thanks’ for kicking out my man, at least I get him to myself now’.

What the actual Fuck! He’s gone to see her! He tells me he’s sorry and it didn’t mean anything, and he’s gone straight to see her. Rage fills up inside me, with a shaky hand I show Liana my phone. Liana looks at it and starts swearing in Estonian (her home language).

“Should I reply” I ask,

“Oh, don’t you worry, I’ll reply for you” Liana says as she’s pacing up and down my living room floor.

“Do you not care that you have just broken up a young family, Alice is so kind, her poor children and her are now going to go through hell because of you”.

Honestly, I’m surprised the text wasn’t more explicit. Ping, I get a reply,

“Oh well, shit happens”.

She doesn’t care, she actually doesn't give a shit what she's just done to my family, I begin to cry again, not because I'm upset about Dylan and Stacey but because I'm so sad my babies will now come from a broken home and there will be huge adjustments for us all to make, if anything, I'm more angry than upset right now, how could he do this to us?