Chapter 9

My eyes settled in the blank ceiling, thinking of a way to leave my mind. I remember how I ruthlessly fired the gun in the man's head. There are so many questions surging in my mind, my mixed emotions are getting to me. I can't believe I killed a person.

"I didn't do it." 

I sighed heavily as I tried to relax myself in the soft cushion and close my eyes as I drifted to my mind.  There's a lot of questions in my mind that only my friends can answer. How the hell are they wearing black clothes, why would they be in an abandoned building? Why won't they tell me the truth? Am I not worth it for the truth?

I closed my eyes as I opened it once again. I anxiously bit my lower lip and thought of how to ask my friends about it. The door of the apartment is open so my cold eyes look on it. They looked so shocked seeing me Awake this time while they were still wearing those black clothes. I looked away, seeing their shock eyes made me wonder what secret they are hiding from me.

Dali daling lumapit sa akin si Phoebe na nag alala. How can she worry about me when they are hiding something from me? I'm tired of secrets.

"Okay ka lang ba, Minx?!" nag-aalalang gagad niya at hinawakan ang braso ko. She's fooling me, they are fooling me. She's on mask again, pretending again, they on mask again, they're pretending to me again.

What is the use of being best friends? When is everyone keeping a secret from you? Are they still calling it a friend? 

I squeezed my eyes tight as I opened it just for me to sigh three times. It's funny seeing them worried about me. Tinanggal ko ang hawak ni Phoebe sa braso ko kaya nagulat s'ya, wala sa sariling naglakad ako paakyat ng hagdan at huminto rin.

"Good acting." I whispered to them. Umakyat ako sa kwarto ko, kahit naka-dress ako ay umupo ako sa gilid ng kama. Everything is suffocating for me. Sila ang may kakayahan na saktan ako, sila na mga kaibigan ko, kaya sa t'wing nagsisinungaling sila ay nasasaktan ako. I devoted myself to protecting them but seeing them hiding a secret, made me want to go back to my own words.

I felt the aching pain in my heart but I can't cry, why? It made me wonder why I was born with no emotions? Or I have but it taken away from me?

"Why is everyone keeping a secret from me? Am I not worth it for their secrets?" I coldly chuckled while sitting in my bed. "Why do they have to pretend to me? I was always there for them, I'm here for nine years sake!" I growled and an ugly thing is settling in my stomach.

"I was there when they needed me, I'm always there for them; then, why do they have to pretend and keep a secret from me?" I asked myself multiple times. "Am I not enough? Best friends ang turing ko sa kanila ganon rin kaya sila sa akin?" 

I laughed sarcastically. The pain of settling down with them, giving the things they want, only for them to betray me. Ano pa bang ang aasahan ko? It's always like that, me finding a friend and wanting them to stay with someone like me is a joke. Hindi ako makakahanap ng taong mananatili sa tabi ko; kahit anong effort ang gawin ko. I'm alone. I will always be alone, no matter how many friends I find, it will always be me in the end.

"It's like I'm a cracked tiles that are forced to be placed on tiles that are intact."

"Umaalis silang tatlo ng walang ako, magkakasama silang tatlo ng wala ako pero nandyan sila kapag ako na ang kailangan nila." I said coldly, bitter in the tongue while saying those words. Napahilamos ako ng mukha at nag isip ng maaring gawin. Maybe, it's time for me to stay away, maybe it's time for me to think about myself. There's no other people who would be with me in the end. There's no forever because you will die alone.

Lumapit ako sa closet at kinuha ang bagahe ko, nilagay ko do'n ang mga damit na kakailangan ko muna at mga gamit ko sa katawan, kinuha ko din ang Uniform ko. I put my bag sa taas ng bagahe para madali kong madala palabas. Kinuha ko ang Cellphone at Wallet ko sinaksak ko sa bag 'yon at lumabas. Bumaba ako dala ang bagahe ko, napaangat ang tingin nila sa akin.

"S-saan ka pupunta, Minx?" naguguluhang tanong ni Phoebe. You are acting, Phoebe. Hindi ka utal utal magsalita and that's driving me crazy.

"Tulog na kayo may pasok pa bukas." walang emosyong sagot ko at hinila ang bagahe ko palabas. Nanatili ang katahimikan kina Olivia at Savannah.

"M-minx," tawag ni Phoebe sa akin, nakatingin sila Olivia at Savannah sa akin na parang malungkot at naguguluhan. I turned away from them, not talking nor, saying goodbye to them because I know it's not the last time we are seeing each other. I'm not going to use my Motor so I ride a Taxi to go to my House.

Nang makarating sa bahay ay hila hila ko ang bagahe ko at nag doorbell, lumabas ang Mommy ko sa pintuan halatang nagulat pa s'ya at nagmamadaling pinagbuksan ako ng gate.

"Baby bakit andito k-," Hindi ko na napigilan na yakapin si Mommy ng mahigpit, halatang nagulat siya pero hinaplos n'ya ang buhok ko at tinapik ang likod ko. Matagal ko din siyang hindi nakita kaya nami-miss ko ang yakap niya.

"My daughter is still a baby," mahinang usal ni Mommy. Nanatili akong nakayakap sa kanya dahil na-miss ko siya at alam ko na need ko ng yakap ng sarili kong Ina. Siya na lang ang hindi ako niloloko.

"Mommy's here, I will always be here for my Daughter," she said with a sweet tone and let go of our hug.  She smiled softly at me as she tucked my hair behind my ears. "Is my Baby tired?"

I nodded my head as I looked at her Blue eyes, she smiled at me. "Kapag pagod ay magpahinga ka lang." 

"Thess, kuhanin mo ang bagahe ng anak ko at dalhin mo sa kwarto n'ya," utos ni Mommy sa Yaya namin dali dali naman dumating si Aling Theresa at kinuha ang bagahe ko.

"Magandang gabi, Iha," nati nito at bahagyang ngumiti.

"Magandang gabi rin po, Salamat po." Naiusal ko na lang.

Inakay naman ako ni Mommy papasok, dinala n'ya ako sa kusina kaya naalala kong hindi pa ako kumakain. My Mom glared at my Dad when my Dad was eating without her. My Dad looked at my Mom with an adorable face so I chuckled. My Dad is a cold person and I think I inherited his traits but he has a soft spot for my Mom.

"Honey, gutom na talaga ako." Pang uuto ni Dad. "Oh, andito na pala ang bunso natin." Tumayo pa ito at binigyan ako ng mahigpit na yakap na binalik ko. I gave my Dad a small smile before sitting in the chair in front of them.

"Here, Baby, eat that, that's your favorite Spicy sweet adobo." My mom giggled while putting Spicy sweet adobo on my plate so I smiled and started eating. Bakit parang alam niya na uuwi ako? My mom keeps glancing at me. I didn't bother because she always does that when I'm going here without informing them, kumain lang ako. Nang matapos kumain ay kumuha ako ng tubig at nilagok 'yon. My Mom once again smiled.

"Do you want milk, baby?" My mom asked so I smiled and nodded my head. I stand up in the chair. "Hatid na lang ni Mommy sa kwarto mo." She smiled at me so I smiled back and nod. Umakyat ako sa kwarto at pumasok sa banyo para maglinis, nakausot ako ng pantulog na damit, humiga ako sa kama at tumingin sa kisame. Narinig kong bumukas ang pinto kaya napaupo ako sa kama, I gave my mom a fake smile.

"Baby, stop smiling it's fake." My mom said so I chuckled and dropped my smile. She handed me a glass of milk before sitting beside me. "Bakit ka nandito, baby?" 

"Magpapalamig po muna." 

"Sa Ref ka dapat nagpapalamig 'wag dito." My mom giggled, so I chuckled again. She's trying to light me up. I bet my Brother inherits my Mom's traits.

"I think everyone is keeping a secret from me. I feel it, Mommy." 

"Everyone has a secret. May mga bagay talaga na hindi pwedeng sabihin kasi baka masaktan 'yung tao kapag sinabi," sagot ni Mommy. I sip in my Milk as I glanced at my Mom, she was trying to understand me so many times since I'm the one who lacks emotion that she has to read me most of the time.

"It hurts more to keep a secret than to tell a secret, Mom. It cut deeper than to tell, because once they said the secret, it would bleed but it would heal the wound."

"May mga bagay talaga, anak, na hindi pwedeng sabihin at may mga bagay na pwedeng sabihin," she said softly before ruffling my hair. I bit my lower lip as I looked at her.

"I feel like, I'm just a toy, Mommy," usal ko, nagulat naman siya habang nakatingin sa akin. Pumikit ako bago tumingin muli sa kanya. 

"Do you know how it feels, Mommy? I've always felt it, walang oras na hindi ko nararamdaman 'yon, alam niyo 'yung feeling na hindi ka belong at nakikibelong ka lang?" Pagpapatuloy ko, nakatingin lang s'ya sa 'kin at nakikinig. She knows everything, mula pa nung bata ako ay wala akong kaibigan dahil tinatawag akong creepy dahil wala akong emotion. Naging masaya lang si Mommy ng makita ako na may mga kaibigan but the wound in my heart when I feel left out will always remain in my heart.

Nagulat siya siguro na marinig akong muling I-open ang topic na ganto dahil nine years na ang nakaraan ng marinig niya ang gantong mga salita ko. My trauma is being left out and yet I still feel that.

"Mahirap makibelong sa lugar na alam mong wala kang lugar." 

"Hindi ko na alam kung hanggang kailan ko Ipagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa tao." Napailing ako at uminom ng gatas. This topic made my self esteem down, I want to express my emotions. I want to smile like what pretty girls do.

"Sa akin hindi mo kailangang ipagpilitan ang sarili mo, anak." She assured me with a smile. She gazed at me truthfully. It made my heart warm, hearing my Mom tell me that.

"You're my Mom." I chuckled as I looked at her. 

"Part ng life 'yan, Anak. Magpahinga ka na," saad ni Mommy tumango ako at inubos ang gatas. I gave her the glass, ngumiti s'ya sa akin bago lumabas. I sighed before laying in my bed.  Nakatingin ako sa kisame, wala sa sariling kinuha ko ang phone at chineck ang messenger ko.

Patricio has so many chats. Oh, I leave our date, that girl pissed me off so much that I want to punch her. I opened it.

Bampira:

I'm sorry.

Lets talk.

I'm so sorry love.

Lets talk tomorrow, ayusin natin 'to.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you sobra hindi kita ipagpapalit sa kanya.

Kahit may 100 rason para ipagpalit ka hahanap ako ng isang rason para hindi ka ipagpalit.

Mahal na mahal kita, Pumpkin. Please, ayusin na natin 'to, please?

Don't leave me, I'll be a good boyfriend.

I turned off my phone and looked at the ceiling. Should I  forgive him?

Let's see tomorrow...

Nagising ako dahil sa alarm clock, kaya tumayo ako at dumiretso sa banyo para maligo. I'm not in my Apartment, huh? Nang makapag-ayos ay bumaba ako, dumiretso ako sa kusina as usual. 

"Good morning, my baby!" Masayang bati ni Mommy habang malawak ang ngiti. Naka-apron pa ito kaya natawa ako ng kaunti. I stared at her blankly.

"Good morning, Mommy."

"Oh, bakit andito 'yang bunso niyo?" Napatingin ako kay Kuya, lumiwanag ang mukha ko at tumakbo para yakapin siya. Ngayon ko lang nakita si Kuya, eh.

"Good morning, Bastard Kuya!" 

"Meggay words!" pagpapaalala ni Mommy. Nagtitimpla siya ng kape at gatas. Mukhang hinahanda niya ang Kape nina Kuya.

"Late ka na siguro nakauwi, kuya?"

"Alangan nagma-may ari ako ng bar, 'di ba?" Sarcastic niyang sagot kaya inirapan ko siya. Umupo naman ako sa harapan na upuan.

"Eat your breakfast mga anak lalo ka na, Meggay, may pasok ka pa." Maawtoridad na utos ni Mommy kaya tumango ako. Si Kuya naman ay natawa sa utos ni Mommy kaya binato ko siya ng tinidor na ikinaiwas niya naman.

Nnalilisik naman ang mata ni Mommy kaya ngumuso ako. "Mom, nauna po si kuya, tinawanan ka."

"Ay gago 'to, ah." Ungot ni Kuya habang nakasimangot. Mabilis akong uminom ng gatas ng makitang lalong nanlisik ang mata ni Mommy.

"Kenneth! Pipitpitin ko 'yang bibig mo!" Pananaway ni Mommy kaya dumila ako kaya lalo siyang nainis, pinagpagpatuloy ang pagkain, pagkatapos ay lumabas  na ako dala dala ang backpack ko, pumunta ako sa parking lot namin. Halatang nilinis ni Daddy ang toyota ko! My baby I'm here! Lumapit ako sa kotse at binuksan 'yon, ang ganda pa rin ng baby ko! Sumakay ako do'n at nagpaalam kay Mommy pinaandar ko ang kotse ko at nang makarating sa parking ay napatigil ako sa nakita.

Napakurap pa ako at tiningnan kung totoo ang nakita ko, what the fuck...?

I saw Savannah shoot the man who's wearing a cap, her eyes were fuming mad, while looking at the man who's laying to the floor, the blood is starting to be scattered on the floor, she calls someone.

"Tj, I have little mess here," she said before calling someone again, making me frown. "Hey, Calvin. Clean the cctv footage here." Pinatay n'ya ang tawag at pinunasan ang baril na hawak niya at binato 'yon sa nakabulagtang lalaki, she walks like nothing happens. Napasapo ako sa noo at hindi mapaniwala sa nangyare. Savannah cleanly kills a man with a gun.

"Fuck this!" Inis ko at hinampas ang menobela. I saw the man cleaning the dead body! And I saw Calvin who was holding a laptop and started typing! His hands were fast! What the heck are these people?! Nang matapos ay doon ko lang pinarada ang kotse ko, wala kang makikita ni isang pahid ng dugo do'n, napakalinis.

Huminga ako ng malalim at naglakad papasok ng school. Walang emosyon ang mukha ko ng makapasok sa room at umupo sa upuan ko ng walang pinapansin ni isa sa kanila.

Nakatingin sila sa akin pero wala pa rin akong pinapansin. Nakatingin lang ako sa harap habang inaantay  ang mga gagawin nila.

"May pinatay sa loob ng building natin," bulong ni Olivia pero rinig na rinig ko.

"Ngayon ko lang din nalaman 'yon, eh." Dagdag naman ni Phoebe.

"Kasapi siya sa pink organization kaya paano siya makakapasok sa building natin? At paano siya namatay?" tanong ni Olivia. Despite my eyes settling in the Board, my heart beating so much; panic surging my system.

"He got shot in the head," bulong ni Phoebe.

Napalunok ako habang nakatingin sa harap.

"Mukhang alam ko na kung sino ang may gawa no'n sa lalaki," bulong ni Savannah. Her voice was laced with poison.

I froze at natulala habang nakatingin sa harap.

What will happen if they know that I'm the one who did that to save Phoebe?