After my countless tosses and turns, I finally decide to make my way downstairs to see who's disturbing my peaceful sleep. The whole point of summer is that I don't have to worry about waking up early.
"Dad!" I shout when the excruciatingly loud noise gets louder as I get closer. What is he doing?
"In here Hunny," he shouts back and I finally reach the garage where my darling father and my dear friend and neighbor, Cody seem to be welding onto a metal case, seemingly trying to open it.
Could this seriously not have waited until everyone's stopped dreaming?
"What are you guys doing?" I ask rhetorically as I put the palm of my hands against my ears to block out the noise.
"This was Cody's dad's sweetheart. He found it in the basement and we just want to see what's inside," he answers clearly not getting the question behind the question I was asking, or rather the meaning behind it.
"Dad, this is really loud. Could it not wait until a bit later on?" I decide to stop speaking in riddles and that seems to work because he switches off the machine then says,
"I'm sorry sweetheart. Didn't even realize it was still so early." He says now looking at his watch. I get that, Dad wakes up early. Too early.
"What time's Ezra picking you up?" He asks and I ignore the exaggerated eye roll from Cody. I'm not in the mood for his judgment.
"He should be here in, Oh sh..."
"Watch it!"
"He should've been here 30 minutes ago. He must be running late, I know he's got practice. I'm gonna go get ready now." I say already running back into the house to shower.
He's got a big game later today.
Usually when that happens he picks me up in the morning after practice. We drive to the stadium together and then he leaves me in the VIP section where Michaela comes and joins me later, as well as the rest of the VIP people.
Michaela is one of his teammates' wives and one of the very few people who know about us. She's about 15 years older than me but doesn't look it at all, she's stunning.
We didn't even have to tell her anything, she said she could tell by the way we acted around each other. Like all we wanted was to be around one another but we couldn't. Of course she keeps our secret. She still doesn't understand why it's a secret to start with but she respects us nonetheless.
It's now a week since Bruno's party and things are back to being great with us. We'd fought and fought until we forgot what we were even fighting about and then made up. That happens a lot with us.
I finish getting ready in no time and then I wait. He's never late to pick me up when he's got a game, mostly because he has to work around a schedule so it's extremely weird that he's not here yet.
"Bun-bun!" I hear my dad call from downstairs, clearly to tell me he's here.
I jump off the bed, take my bag then go downstairs to see dad still in his night robe and a coffee mug in hand.
"Where is he?"
He usually comes in and waits with him while I get ready.
"There's a car outside waiting for you," he says wiggling his eyebrows and I internally scream. Ew.
I find it odd that he didn't come out to even say hi to dad but I don't waste a second thinking about it. I know he's probably running late so,
"Thanks, dad. I love you" I say then kiss him on the cheek as I make my way out.
I step outside to see an all-black Land Rover I've never seen before waiting. I hesitate a bit before I get closer to it and then the driver's door opens making me jump slightly.
"Hey, pretty one. Are you ready to go?" A bearded, chubby fellow asks and I feel my heart calm down.
"I'll go to the end of the world with you Mickey." I respond to him with a smile as he opens the back door for me to get in.
My heart breaks a little that he sent his driver to come to pick me up and not him. Mickey is beyond great but I would rather have him with me right now, so I can give him my calming words before the game. He always says seeing me is his good luck charm.
"I see you got a new car." I say to the man as we continue on our journey. They've seemingly upgraded from a smaller Land Rover to a much bigger and darker one. Ezra is getting more and more famous every day and I guess they wanted something a little more private and intimidating.
"Yea. He's always wanted this one." He says.
I pick up the flowers that are placed next to my seat with a box of chocolates and a teddy bear. I take out the note that reads,
'My darling Alex,
We've got to do press today before the game and that messed up my schedule a bit. I hope you can forgive me for not being there right now to pick you up. I sent you this teddy bear to cuddle you and protect you until I'm able to.
Love you always and forever,
Ez'
I smile.
He definitely knows how to make my heart skip a beat.
Mickey looks at me knowingly through the rear-view mirror making me smile wider. He knows probably more than anyone else what Ezra and I have. He gets it.
Everyone else secretly judges and I can always see it through their eyes. They judge Ezra for wanting to keep me a secret and they judge me for taking it.
I don't care. They'll just never get it and that's fine.
We're soon at the incredibly big stadium where the game will be taking place. The gates are still closed but they let us in once they see it's Mickey. We drive down to the private car park and Mickey opens the door for me to come out. He's always insisted to be chivalrous despite my not wanting him to. I can open my own door. He says that's just how he was raised and eventually I gave up trying to change him.
He's going to be an amazing husband to a very lucky lady one day.
He then tells me to enjoy the game as I make my way to the private basement elevator.
"I will Mickey you too."
I get on the elevator, then press the button to get to the highest level.
It's always so quiet when I get here. People are running around cleaning and getting ready for the game later that day.
Everyone's already used to seeing me but I know they still wonder who I am. The VIP is for the wives and girlfriends of the players, as well as incredibly wealthy people.
Although, most of the wives and girlfriends prefer to be down by the field cheering on their significant others. I would prefer that too honestly, but I can't.
I know Michaela sits up here as well because she doesn't want me to be by myself even though she claims it's because there's always a lot going on by the field. So she's the only known significant other of one of the players who sit by the VIP, everyone else is usually on the sidelines of the field.
But basically, not just anyone can have access to the VIP section. So everyone stares at me but they don't ask any questions. I appreciate that.
"Hi. Alex Brown for the Eagles." I say to the nicely dressed gentleman behind the counter once I reach where I'm going. He smiles then opens the door for me to get through.
It's empty.
There's about 5 hours left still for the match to start.
All the other teammates are probably with their significant others right now. They let them see them before the game, I'm guessing to get them in a happy mood.
I walk closer to the big glass window overlooking the stadium and then sigh. I hate this part.
It sucks that I can't be down there with him right now. It sucks that if I go to the players' section, no one will know who I am and he'll probably act like he doesn't know me too.
He always says he needs me to understand, and I do, I guess. But it still hurts.
So I sit just letting my thoughts run wild for almost an hour before I finally let my tears go. I stare at nothing and make no attempt to dry my cheeks. I know my face is probably a mess right now from the mixture of my light makeup and tears but I don't let myself worry about that. I still have a lot of hours left so I'll redo my face later.
I continue to sit now watching cartoons playing on a big screen in a corner when,
"Hey," I hear a voice sound gently.
I turn around to face the boy who brings me so much light and darkness at the same time and I force a smile.
His face is soft because he knows I'm not happy.
"You look great," he then compliments and I mouth him a 'thank you.'
I probably don't really look great at all right now. I feel exhausted from waiting and I probably have tear stains on my cheeks.
He's wearing his team's track pants and a plain white shirt, and he's standing at a distance because there are cameras in the VIP. I mentally facepalm myself when I remember I had a breakdown earlier that whoever's monitoring the cameras has now seen.
"I'm sorry." He mouths back to me now putting his hands in his pockets. "I know." I mouth back.
Now that I'm looking at him, I know that he feels what I feel. I know that he wants more than anything to run to me and kiss me like the world was ending. I can see his body craving my proximity and touch.
I give him a genuine smile and say, "You're gonna kill it today." He always does. He's the best player on the team and he knows that but he gives me a genuine smile right back then says, "You think so?" Like I just made the world's wildest prediction.
One of the many things I love about Ezra is how humble he is.
I nod slightly making him blush.
'I love you.' He mouthes to me and I mouth to him that I love him too before he turns around to leave just when the cleaning ladies enter the VIP, I'm guessing to make final checks before the game starts.
I go to the bathroom to get myself together and then head back to the VIP with my head held high and a new fresh frame of mind.
My man's going to kill it today.
It's intense.Everyone in the VIP room and everyone down on the field and the bleachers is beyond stressed. The players are all dirty from throwing themselves on the dirty grass and sweaty from all the running around they'd been doing. Michaela is holding on to my hand so tight it feels numb. It's so quiet.The camera points at Ezra and the commentator says something about how even he is stressed.He's sweating and rocking his body side to side slightly. I know he's got his thinking cap on when he does that. I smile gently because they have no idea what's coming. He's about to blow their minds.Two minutes on the clock and the score is a tie. The players line up facing each other then bend down so that their chests are facing the ground. The opposing team has the ball.Soon the players start tackling each other roughly fighting for the ball that's now passed in the air to be caught by their te
It's been two days, he hasn't called.The picture was pretty clear but I'm needing him to tell me there was some sort of a misunderstanding. I need him to tell me it was all a prank and that it meant nothing. Whatever lie he can come up with, I'll believe it. What I refuse to believe is that the love of my life cheated on me. My Ezra would never.I wipe the tears off my cheeks for the umpteenth time this afternoon. I'm meeting up with the girls in a bit and I can't be a mess around them. I'd been avoiding them for the two days and I haven't seen them since Bruno Steiner's party. I know they're already suspecting something is wrong and I can't afford to have them asking me questions so I need to get myself together. I'm also in no mood to think of lies so I'm really hoping I'm not left in a situation where I have no choice but to.Today I decided I need to go out, I need a distraction. I've been stuck in my room and I'm h
"Hey man what's up?" Bruno greets him after a while.Ezra greets him back with a hug but his eyes stay on mine. Bruno notices but doesn't say anything. We've all been in one place at a time multiple times before but we've never said anything to each other. Ezra and I always act like we don't know each other around people so I know Bruno finds it weird how he's looking at me. Like I carry the key to his heart.I don't look back at him because I didn't realize how mad I was until now. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I look into his eyes. I can feel the anger radiating from within at the sight of him. I was sad before but now I feel aggravated. He cheated on me, how could he?"Hey I'm gonna go look for Liz." I say to Bruno already standing up to leave. I pray my voice came out calm and not shaky like the rest of me. I don't even bother to wait for him to respond before I speed
"Babe...""Baby.""Babe!!""What?!!" I practically shout at him. He knows I hate mornings. Don't wake me up if I don't need to be up. I'll wake up when my body is ready to."The boys are coming now. You gotta hide.""What?" My ears must be really playing tricks on me because I thought I heard him say I have to hide. I turn my body to the other side then go back to sleep before,"Oh shxxt, they're here. Babe, go into the bathroom!" He shouts already making his way out of the bedroom. My sleep goes away immediately as I sit upright on his bed. I don't even know how to express the pain that's in my chest right now.Before getting this house, Ezra lived in a small apartment. It wasn't fancy but it was perfect. We'd used to spend the whole day and sometimes weekends just lazying around and watching movies. Never have I ever worried about peopl
"Hey baby, I've been worried sick. Are you ok?" is the first thing he asks as soon as I answer the phone. About 60 missed calls later. He actually does sound so worried that I feel a bit bad for ignoring him the rest of yesterday. Only just a bit."Yeah I'm ok babe." I say to him honestly. I feel a lot better today. My chilled evening with Cody helped me out, it always does.But also, hearing his voice oddly calms me, despite him being responsible for the bad mood to start with. He doesn't ask why I disappeared like I did yesterday, I know it's because he knows why. This is one of the many conversations we don't have.It goes alongside the negative effects caused by the privacy of our relationship. We know what it's doing to us but we also know we can't do anything about it. So we ignore it."Will I be s
He is livid.He's gone out for a smoke about six times already in the last hour, he only smokes when he's stressed. And that's usually only two times in one night.I'm sitting next to Bruno and another guy named Sam and we're conversing about nothing important. I see him looking at me, but not so long that people start to notice.Bruno is not even flirting with me. He's a good looking guy but I'll never see him like that. There's only one guy in this world for me. Bruno and I just have a friendship forming, he honestly has nothing to worry about.'Are you ok? I'm sorry I can't stop it.' I'd texted him and of course he didn't reply. It's upsetting to me that he's always having conversations with random girls, most of which flirt with him - but I never get mad, because I know I'm the only one who owns his heart. But as soon as some guy comes and looks at
I wake up to my stomach crying in hunger at the appetizing smell that makes its way into my nostrils.I open my eyes to see a plate of badly cooked eggs and not so bad looking bacon and toast. Normally I would smile because even though he's not much of a cooker, he'll go out of his way just to make sure I'm fed.But this morning, the first words that come out of my mouth are,"Did you not see me struggling?" I know he was looking at me as I danced with him. My mind can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that he might have seen but did nothing. It's all I could think about last night, and well - now."Bruno jokes around babe. Everyone knows that." I chuckle because I did imagine him using that excuse. But it was in the furthest most impossible excuses I'd thought he'd use. I'd thought it was ridiculous even thinking of it. So I stare at the love of my life with so much pain in my heart to ask him,
We're still very much together. But I told him I needed a break.Just to calm my head and my heart from everything. It took him a while but he finally accepted it. He said as long as I come back to him. Of course I will, I always will. I realize I'm a slave to his love.It's not even just because he threatened to kill himself, but also because a life without him is a life I don't want to live. I can't even grasp the thought of him not being here anymore. I've had him in my life for so long that I don't want to picture a life where he's not there.Him wanting to kill himself served as a reminder of how much I need him.I do however hate what he did to make me stay but the thought of him not being alive any more is scary enough for me to.The couple of days that we've been apart had me thinking too much of course. Like about the fact
"What did I do now?"We do this thing where we joke around with each other, this is to ignore the tension that still exists with us.We walk around acting like everything's cool and I guess it is, to an extent but there's clearly stuff that was left unsaid with us. For way too long.That is why,"I just wanted us to talk - to clear the air."If I'm serious then we won't waste time joking around.I want to do more than just 'clear the air'. It's been years and we still haven't really talked about what happened.He takes a seat across from me and then,"Yeah sure."His tone gets a bit serious and that allows me to continue."Where's Bruno?"I don't see him around anymore, for years actually. I know they'd remained friends after we broke up, for a while. I'm not sure what happened with them but clearly something did happen because wherever there was Ezra, Bruno was somewhere around. Never one without the other."I don't know."He says simply.His face is void of emotion, like that was n
"He was going through stuff Alex, he's done nothing but try to prove himself since.""I'm sorry, we're talking about the same guy whose actions had us not speaking to each other for two years right?"It's beyond me how she's still on his side after what he did."Alex, he made a mistake. Ok maybe a few but who hasn't? You can never question the fact that this man loves you."I mean I've never questioned it, but love is simply not enough now is it?"I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same again."Yes it's been years, but even though the heart forgives, the mind doesn't forget."You'll never truly know unless you give him another chance."For the umpteenth time, I decide to shrug her comments away. Liz doesn't understand. It's easy to tell someone to forgive and forget but it's different when you're the one having to forgive.Because of this man, I have walls up so high that people can hardly climb them. Because of this man, I have trust issues.So no, it won't be that easy.And y
"Let's see. There was Leo, Martin, Dean, and LorenzoI went out with Lorenzo two times though, he was good company. Oh and Dean was cute, he got me a bracelet that I gave to Josh to give to his crush at school.I still don't know how you'd feel about my telling you all this"It's still very weird but I like to imagine this being the relationship I would've had with her if she was still alive. A relationship where I can tell her anything and everything, including who I've slept with.She would cringe but still appreciate my openness."Oh and then there was Grant. He was a little bit, maybe a lot older than me but he really took care of me, for that week at least."That was before I found out he was married with two kids, I'm not going to tell mom that."I'm slowing down a bit now. It was fun."It really was. For the past four years, I've not been 'falling in love' with other people but myself.I'd realized that beyond the two people I was with, I had no other experiences of dating wha
I haven't seen Ezra since the game about a month ago, he'd been blowing up my phone but I made it clear I want nothing to do with him. I'd tried building a friendship with him but I can't be friends with people who take me for granted.I certainly didn't invite him to come and spend Thanksgiving with us and I almost ask who invited him but,"Honey, I hope you don't mind that I invited Ezra." This man is clearly wanting to drive me crazy. Of course I mind.Ezra has been nothing but a distraction throughout my life and I don't need that, not anymore at least. I need to rid myself of him and his toxic energy.I know dad knows I'm not cool with him anymore because he hasn't come to visit in a while, also I act deaf whenever he starts asking about him. So clearly he's trying to fish something by not only inviting him, but Cody too. "Hi Cody,"I decide to only acknowledge the other boy. He's usually quiet when he's irritated, I'd learned it was to keep his anger at bay, so as to not do
"Dad stop it. You're making me cry."I say wiping the next tear that falls on my cheek."I just want to say sweetheart, that it took a really long time. It took us years before we could finally land where we are. And it's the best place we've ever been in a very long time."It's the best place we've been since mom's death. It's like we were just lost souls trying to find ourselves in a world we never imagined to live without mom in it and we were just winging it.For years.But now?"Ok ok dad! Which one are you gonna go with?" I ask looking at the breathtaking pieces of silver and gold bands."I don't know Hunny, when I proposed to your mom I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't have to go through this. I just went for the cheapest ring I could find." He says earning laughs from the jeweler and myself.It sounds unromantic but I know what was on dad's mind was the prospect of spending the rest of his life with the woman he was madly in love with. Nothing else mattered in that momen
This is the first time I'm seeing Josh cry since well - ever. They've got his face on the big screen with the words, 'Hi Josh, this game is dedicated to you.' and it's left on there throughout the game.I might have told Ezra Josh's story.In all honesty, it was in effort to motivate him to get us the tickets but never in a million years would I have ever thought he would do something like this.I hold on to Josh so tight as he sobs on my shoulder silently and I try really hard to keep my own sobs at bay. I need to be strong for the both of us.It's not at all hard to explain, this is an 8-year-old boy who not too long ago lost everything, literally. He became an orphan and lost his arm all in one night, but never have I seen him shed a tear at his tragedy, not once.That easily makes him the strongest person that I know.So finally seeing him balling his eyes out for seeing a picture of himself on a screen in the middle of the field at his favorite football club's game, and having th
"Hey, you're not allowed to peek!""But...""Josh!""Fine..."He responds in surrender then lets me put the palm of my hands back on his eyes.He's even worse than me at surprises."Are we there yet?""Almost. Just a few more steps... And - you can open your eyes now!"He conforms and then,"Uh... I don't get it.""Open the box," I say to him in a duh tone but I'm not surprised when he then says,"But what was the point of closing my eyes if it's in a box?"Josh has a smart mouth that I still try really hard not to slap."Ok I guess that was a little dramatic but open the box Josh jeez," I say to him annoyingly but also excitedly. I can't wait to see his face when he sees it.He then doesn't waste any more time before opening the box and then,"You're kidding me!""Nope.""Alex, is this a prank?""Ooh, that would've been a great one hey? But no it's not."I say then laugh when he jumps up and down holding the red piece of paper."My friend is one of the players for the eagles and he p
"Hi mom. Third time this week, you're probably already tired of me." I say then chuckle lightly. I've gone from visiting only once a year to a few times a week. This is of course something I hadn't been able to do before but since I'm finally coming face to face with my demons, I feel that it's necessary. For my healing."I started seeing someone."About a week ago I decided to put myself out there again."Relax, a therapist." I release another chuckle. After a while of contemplating, I'd decided to go down this path. I don't think that I'm still crazily affected by the things I'd been through like I was a few years ago, at least not so bad that I need therapy. But I'd decided to seek that just to have someone who doesn't really know me to talk to. For a fresh perspective."My sessions are only once every three months. She said that I don't need frequent visits." I smile when I say that. I'd been shocked at first of course because if there was anyone who needed therapy, it was me.
"How are you feeling? About everything." I let myself really reflect on the question. I mean I've certainly had better days but I'm also doing about a thousand times better than I was a few weeks ago. I was a literal mess and it's hard to believe where I am now. I'm not necessarily great but I'm definitely in a good space, in a better space. I don't say all that to him though. I instead say,"You do know I'm the adult here right?"He's 8, what does he know about depth?"Oh c'mon Lex, you never let me ask stuff. How am I supposed to be like you if you don't teach me?" He asks the question I've now heard too many times with a frown. I've begged him to please not end up like me, I'm yet to give him a reason. Putting it in simpler terms would be that I'm the last person anyone should ever look up to. I have no sense of direction whatsoever, but I'm not going to tell him that."You're too young to ask these questions Josh, I tell you this all the time," I say to him. Truthfully he's quit