I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It's been years since I last had that dream, I hated being reminded how mama left us like that, it was so depressing. It was probably all the talk about Gwen mama that triggered it.But I couldn't turn down Bridget's invite so suddenly, I had to go no matter what. I took a bath and got dressed in my new gown, packing my hair in a half bun, just how Gwen liked it.When I got downstairs, Christopher was already bent over the fireplace, delivering the finishing touches, it looked really nice."You look pretty." I heard the boy's voice from the doorway, he was holding up logs of wood. That was when Christopher noticed me, standing straight as he studied me. For some reason, I felt uneasy as his eyes scanned my body."Yes, she does." He said finally and I actually sighed in relief. Why?!"Urh... I have to...""Can you sew a dress for me?" The boy asked, interrupting me. A dress? Why would he want a dress? For himself or to give a girl he fancied?"Ce
Feeling happy with my visit, I rejected Bridget's offer to let the coachman take me home, I preferred to walk home; after all I didn't have to protect the gown from getting wet and walking helped me relax and collect my thoughts.It was a good thing Lance was there, even though he was a charming man, I was only interested in the attention he got me when he let me cut his hair, he was nice though and he keep staring at me from across the table. That was rude but like he said, he has been at sea too long and has lost his manners.All in all, I enjoyed breakfast with Bridget's family. Now, it was time for me to return to my task at hand. Now that we had the fireplace up and running, I had to do something nice for Christopher and his son. I wonder if his visit to the Jones went well, goodness knows he needs a wife and..."Get off, you crazy pimp!" I snapped out of my thoughts and came to a halt when I saw a group of boys fighting, it was three against one... Christopher's son. They were f
After her bath, we kept ourselves busy searching through Gwen's old clothes from when she was about Cecilia's age, for the prettiest that was sure to catch Christopher's eye.We settled for a lilac purple dress that was just her size. Before I let her wear her new dress, I made her sit at the mirror while I trimmed her hair to look more presentation, she now had bangs and a ponytail, complete with her new dress; she was a pretty little girl."Papa is going to like this?" She asked as she turned this way and that in front of the mirror."Yes, you're his pretty daughter. Though I wonder why you didn't ask for a dress sooner." Her face fell for a bit."He said I looked better in his clothes." How annoying! What girl looks better in boys' clothes?We heard a knock on the door and Cecilia was bolting to go open it. I followed closely behind.It was Christopher but he looked a bit sad. He took one look at Cecilia and then up to me."Is Cecilia here?" He asked. The girl suddenly burst out la
I was so bold the night before when I told Cecilia we would get on all fours to clean, but now, as I stared at the filth, all I wanted to do was run back to my clean home as fast as I could.By the time we woke up, ate breakfast, changed to less clean clothes and reached Christopher's house, he wasn't there; maybe he had somewhere to go so early in the morning.Cecilia and I stood side by side, observing the mess. I didn't even know where to begin."I am ashamed that this is my house. Now I've slept in your clean house, I can't come back to living here." Cecilia said, holding up her nose in disgust. Well would you look at that! See what one bath can change?"It's a good thing you feel that way. Now, let's get to cleaning before your Papa comes back. I must admit, seeing that shocked expression on his face is hilarious and silly." Cecilia laughed."I'd wager my new dress that he would walk past his own house and not recognise it." I chuckled and nudged her."All right, come on now. We
"Mr Miller?" I asked as I approached him. What was he doing there?"Miss Crutoe." He said with a half grin. "Good morning to you.""Good morning. You're here? Did something happen with Bridget?" I panicked immediately, thinking of all the worse case scenarios."No, nothing of the sort. I only came to wish you a good morning and ask if you would like to accompany me to a party tomorrow night. The Earl is throwing a welcome party for me and my crew, I would love it if you could be my companion." A party? I didn't have a nice enough dress to wear and Lance had already seen me in the dress Bridget made for me."I'm not sure, Mr Miller...""Please call me Lance." He said, reaching to hold my hand gently. "Can I call you Alexa?""Yes, please. Lance, I'm sorry but I don't think I fit in in such gatherings.""Don't be silly, you're the perfect lady for such an occasion. I want to show everyone what an amazing woman you are. You're the first woman I've ever met who is quite skilled with a scis
"A haircut?" I asked, looking stunned at him. It's not that I am shocked he wanted to look more presentable, it's because it came out so easily and boldly; I may have misjudged a lot about Christopher, the town's people may not even know anything about him."Yes.""Why? All of a sudden?" I forced myself to ask."It is not really sudden but..." He paused and turned to the ladies who were leaning closer to hear what he had to say. They both immediately pretended to be busy with other things. "Why don't I explain it to you on the way home?" He suggested and I nodded my approval. From what I've heard, Christopher was very private and didn't mingle with the people at all, but he still made it big as his farm produce was the best in the town and beyond. It was possible that changing his appearance may attract a lot more customers."What kind of dress would you like, miss Crutoe?" The taller woman asked. "A simple dress for your chores and errands, a casual dress for when you have to meet wi
I walked briskly, hand in hand with Cecilia into her house, we both stopped dead in our tracks when we saw the changes, it looked we walked into a very different home.Cecilia left my side and ran around the house, gasping with each new room she entered. Being the guest I was, I made myself comfortable of the brand new sofa, admiring the miraculous transformation of Christopher's house."Do you like it?" My heart jolted when I heard his voice. Why did it? He just came out of his room with a chair and a small basket containing scissors and a few other items I couldn't very well see."It is lovely, very beautiful and most of all, it's neat." I looked him up, he was wearing light sleeping garments, already looking different even before losing the bush on his face... it was clean."The chair is for me to sit and the basket is for you." He said as he put down the chair in the middle of his living room. "Cecilia?!" He called but didn't get any response."Wait, you mean you want me to cut yo
"Miss Crutoe, are you... crying?" He took my hand and helped me off the floor."No, I'm not.""Please don't lie, the moon is bright enough for me to see the tears. Did someone offend you and please do tell me if I hurt you just now, I was in a hurry to meet with the Earl.""I'm alright. Why are you here?""I just told you, I have to see the Earl. I don't think you are okay, I could sit with you...""Oh no! That really won't be necessary, I was on my way home and you just said you were in a hurry to speak with Earl.""He needs me more than I need him. But alright, I'll go meet him.""Yes, well...""You should stay, I'll be quick and then I'll walk you home. What do you say?" I really wanted to go home and bury my face in my pillow, but maybe talking to someone might make me feel better."Alright." He took my hand."Come on in, the party is still on." I didn't object as I followed him in. "I will be quick, I promise." He said one last time, before disappearing into the crowd.I didn't t
I was tormented by thoughts.It would have been easier if Julien left like that, but he just had to say those words to me, making me restless with tormenting thoughts. I had to wonder if I was doing the right thing by denying my love and refusing to be with Julien, I couldn't decide.I thought by the time Julien returned from his trip, I would be ready to get on with my life without worrying about my feelings; but now, I wondered if I should forget my worry and accept to be with him.Yes, he was Gwen's husband but now she's dead, I am in charge of the children as she wanted and now I'm really in love with Julien, also as she wanted.Did she somehow see the future? Did she know I would eventually fall in love with Julien and she gave me her permission beforehand? That sounded like something Gwen was capable of, she was always after my happiness. Why then was I still denying it and refusing to be with Julien? Maybe I needed some kind of reassurance that I was doing the right thing, or m
He looked surprised at me, unable to say a word."But I can't be because you are Gwen's husband.""Alexa...""I can't blame you or myself because it was bound to happen, Martha thought so too. The only way we can help the situation is to avoid each other and my feelings will naturally die.""Why is that the only way? Why can't we nurture it and let it bloom?" I stared at him, what was he saying? "I am no longer Gwen's husband, we all lost her but that doesn't mean we can't move on with our lives. It would be wrong if Gwen was still here, but she's not and to be honest, she did give us her blessing. So, why should we shy away from our emotions?" Was he talking about Gwen asking him to marry me? Has he really been thinking about that all these time? When he says 'ours', does he mean he feels the same way too? No, probably not."I can't... it's not right.""Alexa..." But I didn't listen, I left him there and went to my room.I spent the rest of the day thinking about Julien's words, Mart
Arthur avoided me for the rest of the day, he always looked away when I was close to him and he walked away before I could say a word.He barely even touched his dinner and insisted that Julien tuck them in for the night. It really made me sad and uneasy.I had to wait in Julien's study for him to tuck the children in. We still had to talk about Cecilia and I had to thank him for finding her.I sat on the soft couch in his study and waited, lost in my thoughts, wondering how I could get Arthur to talk to me again. I couldn't let them call me mother, I just couldn't. No matter how much I...The door opened and I straightened. Julien looked a little surprised to see me there."I thought you went to bed." He said as he came in, shutting the door behind him."I wanted to talk to you first." He nodded and came over to sit next to me on the couch."What about?""About Cecilia... Thank you for finding her, I didn't know you were searching for her at all...""I have, ever since you told me sh
"Did you see that?!" I nodded to Arthur's question, he was pointing at a spot where a hawk had swooped down to grab a prey which appeared to be a lizard."It was so fast!" He said, running to the spot and looking up as if he could still see the bird. I only smiled.Arthur seemed happier now, he could smile and play with his brothers again; he didn't cry in his sleep anymore. In fact, it's been two months since I've heard him mention his mother or cry for her.It's been seven months since Gwen's demise and I missed her so much, I was getting used to my everyday life with the children and Julien; our pretend family. I call it pretend because no matter how many functions I attended with them, being their stand-in mother, I was still Alexa and not Gwen. I could never fully be their mother, no matter how natural I was with them.Sometimes I would be lost in thought and wished Gwen could see her boys grow and it would bring tears to my eyes, but I would remind myself that no amount of cryin
It was morning and we had just said goodbye to Papa Benjamin and Papa Ramsey, now it was time to say goodbye to the dowager duchess, Frederick, Martha and their children.Arthur was upset, so he refused to say goodbye and stayed in bed. We couldn't force him, the child was hurt.Julien was carrying Eliott and the sleeping Eric was in my arms as we watched them get on the carriage, but then Martha suddenly came down and came to me."Can I speak to you briefly?""Of course." I followed her as she led me all the way to the library. "What is wrong?" I asked her when she finally stopped."I didn't want to say anything but I couldn't bring myself to leave without saying it.""Saying what?" She stared at me for a moment and I waited."Gwen loved you a lot, so much that I believe she loved you more than she loved the children.""That is not possible.""But it is. She always spoke so highly of you and when she got sick, she was always saying strange things that I couldn't understand.""Strange
"What will you do now?" I was sitting at the garden alone when Pa Benjamin joined me, sitting next to me. Gwen and the baby were buried two days ago, but it did nothing to soothe the ache in my heart; it still didn't feel real to me. I keep expecting her to jump out behind me and tell me it was all a joke.The funeral was a big ceremony and even Robert and his wife had to come with their children, as well as Gwen's acquaintances and the entire population of Arana... after all, their Duchess just died.Papa Benjamin and Papa Ramsey came immediately we sent a letter to them. Of course, Papa Benjamin was furious that we hid the truth from him and he missed Gwen's last moments, but he managed to calm down after a while.Julien didn't know how to go about explaining the situation to Arthur, so I went with him. As expected, he child was devastated and he reminded me so much of Cecilia. I wasn't going to let him feel alone, not ever. I assured him that he still had Julien and I would be wit
I sat there, crying my heart out, not even minding the stares and whispers of the people around me.I couldn't move.The little pieces of my heart that was still in place just got shattered by Cecilia. How could she leave me? And worse, how could she join the bandits? Those murderous band of thieves? The thought of that little girl, going around, hurting and stealing from people made my heart ache. She was just so young, not even nine years yet."Alexa!" I heard Papa Benjamin call but I didn't move, I didn't even look up."Alexa, what are you doing on the ground? Did you find Cecilia?""She left." Was all I said. He reached for me and pulled me up."First get up. We can still find her, she mustn't have gotten far.""Pa, she didn't just leave. She joined the bandits.""She what?" I looked at him then. His eyes were wide in shock and he looked tired. But of course he was, Christopher left abruptly, Cecilia couldn't stop crying and now she has disappeared with strangers. "Joined the ban
Cecilia couldn't stop crying.As soon as Christopher got on his horse and rode away, Papa Benjamin must have seen him leave and sensed something was wrong because he came running out of his house to find Cecilia in my arms, crying.Of course he had a few words to say about Christopher after I explained what had happened, but the truth was that there was nothing any of us could do. Cecilia wasn't his real daughter, I was barely even his wife; he had no real bond in Durnca and now he has left for his real home.Fate had a way of giving me the worst all the time. I was barely above a toddler when my mother left me, my father just had to abandon me too and just when I was finally opening up my heart to love someone... he leaves me too.But I had to be strong, for the little girl that needed me.Yet, she wouldn't stop crying. Not even papa could distract her; she just hugged herself and cried even more.I sat by her bed, begging her to stop crying and eat something at least, but she wouldn
"That would be me." I turned sharply to Christopher."You? You are Gideon?" He came closer and took the letter from me."Yes.""I... I don't understand. You're Chris...""My real name is Gideon." I suddenly began laughing."You're jesting. You can't be Gideon and be Christopher at the same time." He didn't smile, his eyes were sad."I am Gideon Griffiths, from...""No..." I said, shaking my head."Alexa, you have to listen...""No...""I'm not really a Hallewell, Mr Hallewell only took me in and called me his son. I know where I'm from and I've always known I will go back one day, that is why I never wanted to get close to anyone.""No, it's not true." My heart ached and my throat felt on fire. This was much worse than an ex-lover coming back, he was part of a whole different world."Alexa, it's all thanks to you. If I hadn't met you, I probably wouldn't have finished my last test. Meeting you, changing the way I look, marrying you, that's what helped me pass and now I can go home.""