MandyIt was a miracle I held it together until I got off the phone with Walker; hearing him tell me about how this has affected him killed me. So often when you're in a situation like I am, you have to focus on your own recovery, but there are so many people in the background who get hurt.My heart is pounding, tears are running down my face. I did this to him. Me, and no one else.Looking at the bedside clock, I notice I still have a few more minutes of phone time. I pick it up and dial Dalton's number."Babe." His voice is hoarse, damaged like mine is from holding back the emotions threatening to sweep through us. "The pain he's in…""He needs to get to Doc Jones' as soon as possible," I whisper into the phone. "We'll be doing him a big disservice if we don't get him in some type of treatment.""I'll make sure I get him there in the morning. I guess I just didn't realize how fucked up he is about all of this, although I should have. He should've been my first worry."I
DaltonSomehow I'm more nervous as I pull up to Magnolia Behavioral Health than I was last time. Before, it was just about seeing Mandy, making sure she was doing okay. This visit?It's about confronting demons. Mine and hers. Walking in is a blur, although I'm sure I do the same song and dance I did before. "Mr. Barnett, we'll be going right this way."I follow the woman in front of me, almost telling her Mr. Barnett is my father. I'm not used to so much formality. We walk down blank corridors. No pictures grace these walls. There's no fake-ass family portrait of smiling people who have no clue who the other person is. There aren't cookie-cutter couples pretending to be so in love it's sickening.These are bare; much like my emotions have been for the past few months. It's a way to survive, but it's also a way to kill yourself slowly.It happens little by little.Until you realize there's nothing left for anyone else. Not even anything for yourself.We
Mandy"Do you really think I'm ready?"Dr. Crawford looks at me, her gaze intense and strong, almost feeling like it sees through the clothes I'm wearing. "Doesn't matter what I think, Mandy. Do you think you're ready?"But it does matter what she thinks. She's the one who's given me the tools to try and live my life the way it's supposed to be lived. I'm no longer dwelling on the past and wondering about the what if's. Instead, I'm enjoying the right now's."I think so, but I've thought this before too. What if I get in a situation I can't handle?""Then you do all the exercises we've discussed. Your deep breathing, writing things out, thinking things through before you speak, and if that still doesn't help, then you call me. I'll be here whenever you need me, Mandy. I don't give up on my patients, and I don't expect you to know all of the answers when I set you loose. We work through this together - sometimes for a year, sometimes for the rest of your life. This isn't a one
DaltonWho knew I would be this nervous? Driving Mandy's SUV to Magnolia Behavioral Health, my hands sweat as they grip the wheel. It's warm today, warmer than it should be and the sun is shining brightly. Maybe I should have driven my bike.I'm happy.Happy that her coming home day is bright. Unlike the day she left. Such darkness overtook all of us, I had worried we wouldn't be able to come out the other side of it, but we have. It hasn't been easy and I don't think it ever will be. As I get older I'm beginning to learn life isn't meant to be easy. It's messy, full of things that don't make sense, but all of that stuff turns into beauty if you're willing to wait. If you're willing to let it marinate and become entrenched in itself. Just like we've let Mandy have the time to become the person she's always been. With a little help and some direction, I'm feeling more optimistic about our future together than I ever have.Pulling into the parking lot, I take a deep breath,
MandyI'm sick to my stomach with fear and excitement as we pull into the parking lot of the clubhouse. There aren't a lot of vehicles parked, so I'm pretty sure my coming home is low-key; exactly how I wanted it. "I think the only people here is your family and Caelin." He puts the SUV in park, shutting off the engine. "Good, I don't know what I would do with a whole group.""Well, I mean, your family classifies as a whole group," he laughs."True, but I'm comfortable with them.""Hey," he says the word softly. "If at any time you need to leave, whether it's your family or not, you just leave. You don't owe anyone anything."I pull my lip between my teeth and nod. "Why am I so nervous?"He grabs my hands, pulling them over the console. "I was nervous to come get you because I didn't know how you'd feel about coming home. I suspect you're nervous because you don't know how they feel about you coming home. It's all the same nervousness. We just gotta get through it."
MandyI watch as some of the last people leave the clubhouse. The only ones staying behind are Dalton, Walker, Caelin, and myself. I can't deny how much I want to spend time with Dalton, but there's another part of me that needs to make sure Walker knows how much I love him. After all, he saw me through the darkest parts of life so far. "What do you say we get out of here?" I grin at the two of them."Get out of here?" Dalton asks, his eyebrow raised. "Babe, it's after ten.""Yeah, I have to go to bed." Walker frowns."No you don't, not tonight. Tonight's special! Do you remember the letter I wrote you? What I said we'd do on our first night together?"His eyebrows come together in concentration. "You said we'd go to Wet Wanda's to have wings.""I did say that, but there's a catch. If it looks like there's too many people there, we'll take them to go and tailgate. Sound good?"Dalton slightly raises his hand. "What do you mean by too many people?"Tilting my head
Dalton"He's asleep," I say as I walk back up from where the dorm rooms are."He'll probably be out all night, he had a big day." Mandy walks over, putting her arms around my waist."It's been a big day for all of us," I remind her."Glad we had cupcakes, though," Caelin interrupts from the computer room.Almost forgot he was here, but I may as well get used to him hanging around.Who knows when he'll be leaving. He keeps the weirdest hours I've ever seen."I'm gonna go take a shower, see you in a few minutes?" Mandy leans up, giving me a lingering kiss."I'll be there as soon as I close up."Most everything is put away, but I waste a few minutes, making sure the trash is taken out and wiping down the counters. I don't know why, but I'm nervous to be alone with her in my dorm. Maybe it's because of the way we left each other the last time, or maybe this is something else totally different."Don't work all night," I tell him, turning off the lights in the main room.
MandyWalking up to my parents' house, I let the early morning smell wash over me, the sun just starting to rise up over the horizon. The walk is good for me, and I'm glad I decided to take it.My thighs are still sore from the night before last, but I grin to myself because it was totally worth it. Knocking before letting myself in, I see Walker sitting on the couch."Hey, kiddo."He gets up, coming around to hug me tightly."Did you have fun last night?" I ask, ruffling his hair."Yeah, Harley and I made Justice scream. We found a frog."I shiver, I hate nature in the form of amphibians. "That was mean.""But the look on her face?" He grins. "Was worth it. What are you doing here so early?"I shrug. "Was kinda hoping you'd go have breakfast with me. Word has it, Harper is saving some sausage biscuits for us, and Tyler'll be there."He's already getting up to put his shoes on. "C'mon, Mom, let's go!"* * *A few days later I pull my SUV into the parking space o