"What . . .?" I challenged, hoping I’d only misheard him. "And you are?" The voice I’d intended to be strong had failed me, coming out with frail hesitation.
"The guy with the power to get you in trouble.” He continued in a whisper as he leaned in. I could feel his breath against my ear and it sent a violent shiver down my spine.
No.
I was going to be in the band—I was going to play the drums and tell odd stories about Iggy my iguana. This…this wasn’t the start to my new school life that I was looking for and the more I thought about it was the less I could feel my lips. They remained stubbornly shut, trapped in their own uncertainty. I stared up at him, immobilised by the same fear that I had grown accustomed to at my old school. There were too many variables, the most pressing of them being my concern he was the type to ‘assert’ whatever power had been bestowed upon him by the school administration.
I’d run into enough of those to last me another ten lifetimes.
"Jayden, are you messing with new students again?"
I watched another student enter the hall, coming to a stop by this…Jayden. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if this was the Jayden that girl had been complaining about but I could scarcely spare the brainpower for what amounted to useless information when my mind was still racing ten thousand miles a minute. Besides, a busy guy like that, how would he find time to go messing with transfers?
This new boy was blonde and stood a good two inches taller than Jayden…maybe. He carried himself differently, an air of propriety clinging to him. It was there in his defiantly erect posture, the hard line his lips had created and the stiff way he’d spoken. It was a stark contrast to the lanky boy who remained effortlessly unbothered. The new boy’s veneer broke only as his gaze caught Jayden’s.
The look they shared all but confirmed they were messing around but that didn't make me lower my guard. Not yet. It was always just messing around; only a little fun they didn't expect me to take so seriously. Couldn’t I take a joke? Why was I so uptight? I could recite it all by heart.
"No, of course not," he answered, a boyish grin fixing itself on his face as he moved to create some distance between us. "I was just laying down some guidelines; sharing some warnings, y’know."
"Well, you'll have to finish your lesson some other time." The boy turned to me. "We were about to start the tour and realised you hadn’t come back from the bathroom. Let’s go.”
I hurried after him, glad to be free from dark memories that threatened to creep up in the wake of our brief conversation. A walk around the place would do me some good and I’d finally be able to find the music room. By lunch, I may have even been able to completely forget the run in and lose myself in the friend making process.
"Hey,” Jayden called after us.
I reluctantly slowed my pace, turning just enough to show he’d gotten my attention but inside my stomach had begun to bubble again. Had the escape been too easy? He must’ve been mad he’d been interrupted; it was the only thing that made sense. I braced for the real warning he’d alluded to earlier, praying it wasn’t what I was now expecting it to be.
When our gazes locked again, it wasn’t anger that jumped at me; it wasn’t even humiliation. His features had softened, provoking something that more closely resembled…remorse. “Just making sure you know I was only messing around," he said, his face still hanging onto that hint of boyish charm.
Of course. Only messing around. Wasn’t that always like that?
When I didn’t return the smile, I watched his brows furrow in consternation. He stopped smiling then. "You do know I was only joking, right?”
I remained silent, eager for the exchange to be put behind us.
“There’s no way you took me seriously—I’m not some weirdo."
I continued staring at him, my expression impassive despite the sparks that flew off inside my head. I wanted to respond—as I often did back at my old school, to assuage the guy and make sure we remained on good terms—but my body remembered what would happen after each attempt at placating my company and it was no longer willing to play along. Hard as I tried, I couldn’t get my lips to part. My words hit a snag at the top of my throat where they refused to be dislodged.
When the silence grew uncomfortable, he gave up and walked away muttering under his breath. It was the first blow to any plans I had at being the charismatic drummer who fit in with everyone. The moment word got out about this little exchange, they would think I was either uptight or problematically shy.
Shy was okay…shy…was salvageable. I got to thinking that maybe it wasn’t a lost cause after all.
"I guess you've met Jayden," the boy said, coming to a stop just a corridor from where we’d parted ways with the questionable jokester. He stopped just before and extended a hand. It was so unnecessarily formal that I thought he must’ve been playing his own joke but his hand remained there until I gave in and gave it one placid shake. He wasn’t impressed but quickly composed himself with a clear of his throat. "My name's Seth, Seth Robinson and uh . . . don't worry about him. He really was only messing around—a little humour to start the term, that’s all"
I nodded for the sake of smoothing things along but didn’t add anything else to avoid prolonging the conversation. Both seemed a little too keen to make sure I knew it was only a joke. They were a bit too invested for my liking and I made a mental note to keep an eye on them.
Just in case.
In the hours that followed our orientation tour, thoughts of the convincing prankster relentlessly plagued my mind. It was that boyish grin, the ease in his movements and the way he’d been so sure of himself. It was the firmness of his chest and the mischief in his eyes that dared you to join in. They were silly little things that shouldn’t have mattered and yet, against my better judgement, I was entranced.It happened like that sometimes. You saw someone and everything just clicked in all the right—or wrong—ways. Jayden was trouble, I was nearly certain of it but that dimpled smile had etched itself into my memory in ways I’d never willingly admit.Listen to me, I sounded like a love-sick middle-schooler who’d never held hands with a boy. The disdain I felt for myself at having entertained such wayward thoughts was palpable, but even that wasn’t enough to silence the pounding in my chest every time his image flashed across my mind.Jayden had the charisma of a politician. I hadn’t y
While I was hardly the hopeless romantic, I liked a good challenge. Misguided as the idea was, they were my chance at redemption. Whenever I won, if only for that brief moment, I felt like I was finally good enough for my mother to love me. After winning anything, I’d be all beams and smiles, eagerly recounting my victory, then we would become the only two people in my world. She’d happily show me off; she’d call the rest of the family and spend hours with them on the phone bragging about what a brilliant kid I was. For just that moment…we would be a happy family.Those moments were always short lived, of course. After that, things would go back to normal and I’d have to work to convince myself that I never wanted her love to begin with all over again.It didn’t always work, but it worked often enough that I fell back to it each time the magic faded and the carriage turned back into a pumpkin.Would Mom care that I’d ‘won’ the student body president? I didn’t know, but winning had bec
"Are you crazy?" Madelyn countered, nearly shoving out of her own seat before catching herself. "You can’t just walk up to them. You gotta wait for one of them to acknowledge you and call you over first.""Why?" My eyebrows were rising ever higher with each new thing said about this mysterious body and the image I had cultivated was constantly changing. This…this was secret society cult business confirmed and that only made it more exciting.The sweet smiling politician was proving to be more interesting than I’d first imagined. It would be a shame when the time came to leave him behind. Madelyn shrugged, seeming at first to be at a loss of words that would make real sense. "That's just how things are done around here.""I think it's time we changed that," I said before turning on my heels and stalking off. I had to strike while the iron was hot and my nerves were still steeled. This would be nothing, a cakewalk, a…an…other metaphor that would make me think it was a good idea. All I
"What's the criteria for joining the body?"The question had their expressions darkening noticeably but it wasn’t enough to elicit further response from them. I’d shocked them. It was a question none of them had been expecting, one they evidently hadn’t been asked in far too long. They were hoping I would back down, that if they stared hard enough I would bend; instead I doubled down in my silent wait. They weren’t going to push me aside like they did everyone else and by now I was making as much of a social statement as I reckon anyone had in a while.Before I left my table, I’d said it was time for things to change and a small part of me liked the idea that someone else would be given courage by my ill-advised pursuit. With any luck, these five would start being approached more often and others would feel emboldened to pursue their own ambitions of student body leadership. I would be the social revolutionary they were waiting for and in turn they would put me at their helm.It was a
I’d never been happier to be home from a first day of school. While I’d expected to make some waves with my latest character innovation, I hadn’t anticipated the turn things had taken and I hadn’t anticipated the trench I’d ended up digging myself into through my questionable impulse control. By the final bell of the day, I’d started to get the feeling that everyone knew who I was and it had nothing to do with my quirky family dynamics or my musical supremacy. Whispers filled the halls from biology to French, from physics to homeroom; whispers about me I’d severely undercut my own story and didn’t have the first clue how to steer it back on track should this business of joining the body become a failed pursuit. How did anyone ever recover from such social calamity? I doubted my mother would allow me to be the reason we changed houses a second time, least of all because I’d made a fool of myself with my own ambitions. She’d be too pleased with the outcome and
The 13- year-old let out a loud sigh. "Mom!"It was his trump card, the one that would get him absolutely anything he wanted and he'd learned to use it a long time ago."Okay here!" I said, grabbing my jacket from the nightstand and thrusting it toward him. The last thing I needed was Mother coming in to see what had upset her son so badly. She would’ve gone at me for being so horrid to my precious little brother, annoyed I couldn’t do this little thing to make him happy. With the rise in my position to ‘talk of the school’, I couldn’t afford to show up the next day with more fodder for their active rumour mills. The woman never cared where she left her bruises anymore; it was always up to me to hide them after.Matt’s face contorted into that sweet smile I’d grown to hate before he turned and saw himself out.He’d lose it before the night was out, likely left behind at one venue or another like all the other things he’d borrowed then Mother would punish me for being careless. Money d
She swung the bat at me but with the way she was already staggering, it missed. Missing wasn't something Mother made a habit of and it only made her angrier. "You've been sleeping around again, haven't you?!" This time, she didn't miss. It caught me square in the side of my head, sending my left ear ringing as blood trickled out. "After all I've taught you—all the shit you’ve caused, you go around being everybody's whore again!" She swung another time and caught me in the stomach. The pain bent me double as I tried desperately to regain my breath.I curled into a ball sucking in deep breaths to maintain my composure. Crying would only give her the satisfaction she craved and denying her was about the only thing I had within my power in these moments. I bit my lower lip to keep from crying when the bat co
My heart jumped but I remained where I was for an extra second, deliberating my next move. He’d already spotted me, making it a little less convenient for me to pretend I’d forgotten about his invitation. He wanted me there—for a meeting. There were others inside, a whole four of them; this wouldn’t be another unfortunate run-in with the student administration of my school.I took a deep breath then joined him.Inside, the blonde girl, who was in my homeroom but had done a good job of pretending I didn’t exist, gestured for me to sit next to her with a smile. I may have done a double take if I weren’t so busy trying to play it cool and confident, but my brain was slowly crumpling in on itself trying to make sense of the sudden shift in her disposition.Without any real knowledge of what might’ve transpired, I decided it was better not to offend her. Who knew, maybe Sydney was a skilled actress herself and was moving into
“There’s…there’s something I need to tell you.” I only needed the courage to find the words.Jayden’s brows creased as he took me in. “What is it…?”“You’ll be angry.”“I won’t.”“You can’t promise that; you don’t even know what it is…”“And you can’t be sure I will be until you’ve told me and given me a chance to react.”We sat at a silent stalemate as several minutes trickled by. I knew he was patiently waiting for whatever bad news I would spring, and I knew it would hurt him. The fear I harboured had nothing to do with ending the new fairytale I’d taken on and everything to do with the hesitation I felt following everything he’d done for me and now my brother.He didn’t deserve what I’d done, and it had been all for naught. I never got pregnant and didn’t h
Three weeks later, my brother and I dutifully attended our mother’s funeral. There were only a handful of people in attendance and even then, they were mostly family. The genuine friends my mother had made were no more than a handful and only one of them shed any tears.Aunt Rebecca was the only immediate family member to cry with even Nana maintaining a wall of stoicism while the pastor carried on with his final sermon. I didn’t hear most of his words. My eyes locked on the casket waiting to be lowered with a detached sense of disbelief. At any moment, it would open, and my mother would come out barking her laughter at all the fools who’d thought a single bullet would be enough to keep her from her children. She would hug Matt and promise she would never leave him then offer me a plastic smile as she assured me we would talk about it all when we got home.I’d spent the better part of the earlier service with my eyes fixed on the woman while the
It was another seven minutes before the paramedics arrived and when they did, there was a race against time to get me stable. I’d already lost too much blood and kept slipping in and out of consciousness. I learned later that the police had also been called but in the haze I’d fallen into, I couldn’t say when they arrived on our usually quiet street.I was loaded into the ambulance with my brother and an officer accompanying us. It was Detective Charles, the man who’d promised my mother he would find out the truth about her ex-husband’s sudden, tragic death. He didn’t know what to make of the scene he’d come onto but knew there was a deep well that buried secrets so dark that two children had no business holding onto them.Conversations carried on around me, but they were too muffled by my fading consciousness for me to hear. The next time I awoke, I was on a hospital bed with my brother asleep on the chair that sat in the corn
“No!” I answered quickly. I hurried to hold the note I’d written up for her to see but she gave it only the shortest of cursory glances before pulling back then throwing her entire weight into the smack she landed on my cheek. The force sent me toppling to the ground faster than I could right myself and by then, she’d begun kicking.“I bet you think you’ve found something, huh? HUH? Think you’ve got the upper hand now; that you can blackmail me because of what you’ve seen? Do you know who I am, little girl? Don’t you know that I will kill you?”I shook my head frantically as I curled into a protective ball. “I didn’t—I didn’t see anything, I swear!”“Don’t fucking lie to me!” Her next kick landed in my face, causing blood to gush from my nose.“I won’t say anything; I won’t, I promise!”“I shoul
I set to decline Adam's offer but, in a flash, he was on his feet pulling on his own pants. “The bus might be a while. I don’t want you standing out by the bus stop waiting for however long.” He pulled for his shirt and slipped it on. “You hungry? We can hit up a drive-thru on the way.”The rumbling of my stomach betrayed any answer I could’ve given. Adam nodded his understanding then led the way from the house. He got me my usual off the menu then dropped me off in front of my house.Adam had tried to fill the ride with small talk, in what appeared on the surface to be a sincere interest in catching up, but I’d already begun to shut down. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to feel, to see, to be.“Hey,” he said as I set to walk away from his car. “Remember what I said, alright? I’m here for you.”I nodded, seeing no need to argue and not wanting to prolong the conversat
I swallowed my pride, understanding the role I would have to play. It wasn’t an unfamiliar one and would require no great effort for me to slip into. I dropped the pitch of my voice, forcing it into a sultry invitation I knew he wouldn’t refuse.“Your pay’s built into this favour.” I hated myself.Adam pulled away to look at me, his eyes glistening hungrily. “I’m listening.”I took a deep breath to steady myself. “Emily’s…dead.”“Who?”A surge of hot anger rose in me at his ignorance, but I was forced to swallow it. Adam’s lack of knowledge was in large part my fault. I’d never allowed him to meet her, nor had I ever told him anything about her. She may as well had been a stranger to him—as she truly was—and in that moment, I realised the small stake he had in the decision I’d made…how…insignificant my plight was been for
“Hey, Kai.” Madelyn stopped me on my way down the hall. “Wait up.”Reluctantly, I brought my feet to a halt then offered her a forced smile. “Hey.”She began rummaging through her bag as she drew closer before pulling out a pastel pink toddler shirt with a crown printed on the front. Madelyn extended it to me with a sheepish smile. “I saw this when my mom took me shopping and I thought…you know…it’d look really cute on your daughter. It’s probably a little big; we didn’t know her size, but she’ll grow into it, right?”I didn’t think I had any heart left until I felt another piece of it break off. She wasn’t wrong, Emily would have looked amazing in it, but she would never have a chance to grow into it, nor would she ever wear it.The strained smile I’d been forcing dissolved. A lump lodged itself into the back of my throat requiring me to take several m
I considered writing him a note asking that he take care of them, but much like everything else, it didn’t matter. What would I care if he ripped through my room like the Tasmanian Devil after I was gone?The air inside my mother’s room was still. It was the first I’d been in there—the first I’d been in any of her rooms since my father left. Matt was welcome to cuddle and watch movies from time to time, but never me. There was an air of reverence that came with the subtle warning I shouldn’t have been there. I was walking on holy ground as a tainted sinner. Such a transgression would normally fill me with fear but that particular feeling couldn’t have been further away.I took the time to sweep my eyes across my mother’s room. How foreign it seemed, as if I’d been transported to another world. Nothing was out of place and the bed had been well-made. The blinds were half open, allowing light into the room while blott
Uncomfortable and uncertain, the nurse returned to her desk. Seeing her whisper about me with her colleagues brought the laughter to the next level. My insides hurt from how hard I laughed, and I could feel a pressure building inside my head, but even then…I couldn’t stop laughing.Those around me grew unsettled by the persistent nature of my unprovoked laughter. One by one, they rose from the chairs closest to me and made their way to stand at the wall at the opposite end of the waiting room or by the nurse’s desk.Their evasion tickled my insides until they screamed. Those people had nothing to fear; I wasn’t the murderer.By the time I was allowed to see Jayden, the laughter had died. It was replaced by a subdued silence that stood in stark contrast to the boisterous half-cackle half-wail I’d carried on with earlier.I didn’t have the energy for it…didn’t have the energy for anything. I’d been dra