Understanding Myself

"You will never understand others until you understand yourself"

These dumb words were told to me by an old friend. I mean, she wasn't really a friend. Her name was Lila, she was a shy girl, and I felt bad for her. Then she cheated on her boyfriend with his best friend, and I lost all my respect for her. 

It's been nine years since she told me that piece of crap. But, I am still intrigued about the part about understanding myself. What defines me? How would people describe my personality? 

I don't really know, but it doesn't hurt to explore that today. 

Calvin's arrival is coming up soon. And I'm really excited because he has ensured me that he and his friend will arrive. I have decided that all of us will meet at the Blazing Lights. It's an awesome club, and Christine won't suspect a thing. 

Perfect. 

It's my day off because I have no classes. So maybe I can start this adventure in my home. Or should I say my inherited home? I walk to my front door and pick up the framed photo of my uncle. It's from my graduation. Even though he was in excruciating pain, he came all the way to visit me.

I miss him.  

He was a man that was full of dad jokes. My uncle insisted on finding joy in everything. As the memories move by, a sad smile emerges from my lips. I make sure to kiss his picture frame before leaving for good luck. 

When my excuse of a father left me and my mom, Malachi Smith was the father figure that I needed. 

It's too bad that cancer took him away from me. 

I place a chaste kiss on his forehead as I embark on a journey of self-discovery. This better fucking work, Lila. I take a deep breath, reluctantly leave my car keys next to my uncle, and open the door.

Looks like I'm going to fucking walk. 

The bright blue hue that inhabits the sky makes me hopeful. Maybe a peaceful walk will soothe my nerves. 

I look down at my bare feet and run back inside. I will never take a walk outside in complete bare beet. There's no reason; it is just common human sense. I decide to peel on my Nakefit footpads. I bought them on a drunken whim with my co-workers. 

That was two years ago. 

I walk out of my house and begin my trip. The first place I'm going to is the park. It's quite close to my house. But I haven't walked there since I got my Hybrid.

I expected my walk to be horrible. But every step isn't as dreadful as I imagined. 

Look, you can call me dramatic all you want. But you didn't have to walk halfway through the city to go home between the age of thirteen and sixteen. And some may say that it only happened once. 

Nope. 

My mother (that fucking bitch) decided that I needed to engage more with the Lord, so she made me go to afterschool bible studies. Those were actually fine. The people were genuine. But then, my mother insisted that I also learn how to play an instrument. That way, I can play for the church band. She made me take viola lessons as well.

And my mother never picked me up, even when it got dark or cold. 

I'm so glad that bitch is dead. Unlike my uncle, I wasn't by her side. And she sadly died alone. But she drove me away after what she did to me when I was seventeen.

Do you want to know what she did? Of course, you do. I love talking about myself. Let me set the scene—. 

"Jessica!" Kaleigh calls out. I turn and hug her. Once we break apart, we begin talking. 

Kaleigh is the current head dancer at my workplace. And she fucking deserves the position. Kaleigh is talented and works hard to be at the top.

However, she has a few questionable tendencies. But I can't blame her. The ballet industry is super competitive. And Jake loves to pin us against each other.

That guy is a fucking sicko. 

We say our goodbyes, and I finally make it to the park. I turn my head and see that the rotting bench is occupied. But it's by an elderly couple. I internally awe at the two and sit on the swing. 

I let my legs hang and I sweetly swing. I then let my mind wander. 

Oh, wait—!

I forgot to tell you why I pushed my mother away. Okay, let me set the scene. It's my final year of high school. And I am loving it. My boyfriend was a cute guy by the name of Aaron Junior. But everyone called him A.J. 

We had been going strong for a year. And on Christmas the previous year, I gave him my virginity. We "made love" in front of the fireplace in his parents' home. I was so dumb, and I told him that I loved him. It was odd when he didn't say it back. But I understood that he wasn't ready for that commitment. 

But I was. 

During senior year, I was quite rebellious. I wouldn't attend my Bible studies or my viola lessons. Instead, I'd get into A.J's car, let him drive us to an abandoned house with his mates, and have fun. His parents were filthy rich. So he was given anything he ever wanted. 

This includes any drug from the book. He did pressure me to take some with him (multiple times on multiple occasions), but I managed to avoid that. 

Don't do drugs (unless you want to). 

I didn't care that he did drugs though. I was seventeen, and I thought that I was in love. But unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way. 

So much so that he fucked my friend (at the time) at a party. Do you know how humiliating to see your partner sleep with someone else? It was even worse because everyone in our year attended that party. 

I don't care that everyone saw them naked. They deserved it. What really ruined my night was the looks of pity I was receiving afterward. I had to walk home from his place (because he drove there). Every step made me feel dirty and worthless.

Most of my confidence came from his validation. 

I arrived home with tears in my eyes. My mother didn't know anything (for obvious reasons). But I told her everything. I was very emotional, and I thought that she'd understand. But instead, she called me a harlot for fornicating before marriage. 

But that's not all. She said that I was not her daughter, and my own mother kicked me out. The number of emotions that went through me was immeasurable. 

After that, I started living with my uncle. My uncle is the reason why I am who I am. I became an atheist, pursued my dream of dancing, and found beauty within myself.

So how can the Lord put my uncle through such pain when he is a saint? He was a devout Catholic and never judged. My uncle wasn't rich, but he always made donations when he can. He was even supportive when I became an atheist. 

I sat by his side when he was on his death bed. He never asked for much. But on that day, he asked me to pray with him. I love him, so I complied. I closed my eyes, clasped my hands, and prayed (for the last time). I had prayed that my uncle will be happy again. And that he'll be free from pain. 

When I opened my eyes, he was smiling at me. He held my hand and then said his final words to me. 

𝐼 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊, 𝒥𝑒𝓈𝓈𝒾𝒸𝒶. 𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝓃𝑒𝑒𝒹 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝑜𝓇 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓈 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒾𝓈 𝓂𝑒 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒹𝑜𝓌𝓃 𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊, 𝑔𝒾𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓋𝑒𝓃. 𝐼'𝓁𝓁 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓂𝒾𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓌𝑒'𝓁𝓁 𝓈𝑒𝑒 𝑒𝒶𝒸𝒽 𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃

His touch went cold after that. 

I jump off the swing. I wipe away the silent tears and make my way back home. On the way, I see a cart selling food. Score. Now I am walking back home with some beef dumplings, rice, and a pork steamed bun. 

Maybe walking every once in a while isn't so bad. 

I unlock the door, peel the dirty footpads, and enter my house. I turn my head and pick up my uncle. I kiss the frame, right above the last sentence of his final words. 

I then sit on my couch and watch true crime videos for the rest of the day. Maybe Lila was right. Today really revealed who I am. And the future will help me grow into an even better version of myself. 

The person I was ten years ago is not me anymore. But that's how life works. And I am riding the wave until the faithful day Calvin comes to Canada. 

I'm so happy right now.