Prologue: Wishful Thinking

Prologue: Wishful Thinking

I was not meant to be in this world. I've always thought about that since I started to learn the stupidest thing that ever existed. Love. This alternate world was divided into four kingdoms, ruled by different lords—a wizard, a vampire, and a werewolf. Whereas an existing law that prohibits abomination and forbids werewolves from falling in love with vampires is enforced and upheld generation after generation.  And perhaps, that was the problem in this world. It cared too much about whom you fell in love with but never about why—probably unaware that the why always matters.

But why I couldn't stop wanting something I shouldn't have?

They say the mind is attracted by things, not within our reach. There is a fascinating seduction in whispers that we do not find in screamed words. You may have everything that others crave, but your heart longs for the one thing that you cannot have.

I'm not sure, but there's a tactile thrill to seeking the impossible, to do what's forbidden. That feeling when the more you were told to stop, the more you became persistent and pushy. Perhaps it is because more than the forbidden experience, it is this freedom that I enjoy, and it is this feeling that tempts me to push over the boundaries of everyday experience and taste the surge of adrenaline.

I stared at the blood seeping from my hand. I can't feel anything about it. No pain, no itchy feeling. I was utterly numb while I waited for it to heal on its own. I am not capable of feeling pain; I am numb. I am not afflicted with any kind of severe pain. I worked hard to ensure that I would never be vulnerable. I am strong—I am Lilianna Arioch Silverie. And being me means being powerful. That was the only thing that impressed me as I was growing up.

"Lilianna," My bored eyes looked in the direction of the man where that voice came from.

"Liliana, come here!" Damn that nosy dog. I groaned as I stood up. I am currently sitting on the pond bridge behind my house. I fixed my clothes as I walked inside my house. I just finished training. I was injured in my last attack in the training standee I made because I put a real blade in it, but that didn't matter to me.

I caught my caller, who was in the kitchen. He was preparing something, and when he saw me, he smiled at me. He's been visiting me every week. Sometimes he takes me with him where he lives in the other town. I go because I want to be with him and also because it's boring here.

"Hey little girl, how are you? Did you practice again?" he asked, and his smile irritates me. Little girl? Do I look like little to him?

"Stop calling me little girl. I am a woman already!" He's maybe older than me, but I am already a woman. I've been living for a thousand years.

"You will always be that little girl to me, Lilianna. Now come here, let's eat the cake I bought." I frowned and looked at the chocolate cake he bought. He placed one slice on my plate. I quietly went there and sat in front of the cake he placed for me.

"Why are you always here, Azriel? You're supposed to go back to where you came from, stop bothering me if you can't even stop treating me like your daughter." I'm harsh; I know that. It is not my personality to sugarcoat my words. It's not that I don't like him; I'm just annoyed that he comes here and treats me like a child, as if I'm his child even though I'm not. He wasn't even there when I was a kid. I was a young girl when I met him. And I'm annoyed because I like him, but that's not how he sees me. He knows that, but here he is, treating me like he doesn't know what I feel.

"You're alone here, I just want to look after you, of course. Your father is busy, he entrusted you to me. And you're a daughter to me, Lilianna. Even if I'm not your father, I am more than willing to treat you like my own daug—" I cut him off with a glare. So, it was just a favor my father asked. There is nothing else. And son? Is he willing to consider me as his own son? Just think.

"Isn't he done waiting? What if he was just fooled, maybe mom will never come back. And stop treating me like I am your daughter! How many times have I told you that I don't want to?! " why can't they accept that my mother is gone. I don't even know what he looks like. I never felt him. She died when I was still a baby. A newborn baby.

I saw traces of a strange emotion in Grimoire Azriel's eyes. Even the tightening of his grip on his fork. I swallowed hard and focused my attention on my cake. Of course, why not? Besides my dad, he is one of those waiting for what the enchantress said to come true. He was also waiting for my mom. Why? Because he loves my mom. Very dear. And I'm appalled by it. I'm enraged. I wish I was born in their generation. I wish I wasn't my mother's child. I hope I can just keep up with them; maybe I'll find a way to capture Azriel's heart and own him. Not like this, as if even touching and hugging him is not possible. It's not just because it's forbidden in this world for us to have a relationship, it's because he loves someone else, and even though my mom is for my dad, I feel like he belongs to mom and I cannot have someone else possession.

I wish I was born earlier. Fuck.

"Your mom will come back, Lilianna. We just have to wait for her." I violently put down the spoon I was holding and looked at him hard.

"She won't come back! We've been waiting for her for thousands of years! Why are you so sure she will, huh?! And why do you want her to come back?! Even if she comes back, she won't be with you! My mom belongs to my father, and it will never be you! So, stop with your hopeless dream of marrying her! Stop loving her!" I screamed in anger. I'm here. If my mom couldn't fight for you during your time, I can fight for you no matter what, as long as it's for you. I wanted to add that, but I lost the nerve. I saw how it angered him as well. For the first time, I saw his raging eyes fixed on me. His jaw clenched, and as I saw how his grip tightened on the metal fork he's holding, I saw how he broke it.

"I've been so patient with you, Lilianna Arioch, because your father asked me to take care of you. Because I want to take care of you. But you're trying to push me away. You've always been like this. What is your problem, huh? Agatha is your mother, why it seems so wrong for you to wish she'd come back?" I firmly stood up in front of him, breathing heavily. I cannot keep up with her bullshit right now. I am so sick of it.

"I don't! I hate her! I hate her so much! And I hate you! You and my father! Everyone! I hate you all! I, I fucking hate this world!" I shouted angrily and quickly left him standing there astonished of my sudden burst. I can't control my anger. I can't stop my violent breathing, but no tears fall from my eyes. Not even a single one.

I didn't cry even once. No tears ever fell from my eyes. I grew up alone, not experiencing to cry even once. Even during the times when I asked why I had to live without someone to take care of me, I didn't have a mother; dad rarely visited; no one to talk to or play with; no one to teach me things; I didn't cry. Not even a drop of tears came out of my eyes.

I lived alone in this house. Trained alone, learned alone, and became strong alone. I had no choice but to be strong because I don’t have anyone to catch me. No one got my back. I didn't know it was possible, but I did it. Even if Azriel came, it couldn't erase the fact that I raised myself alone. My father is too busy. He has neglected me. I trained myself alone; I got stronger; I trained myself too well and too hard to the point that I've been cruel to myself. I also trained myself to lose my emotions and not be immediately affected by anything because I don't want to be like my mom. She lost a war. She depends on my father. She's weak, and I don't want to be like her. I know, like him, no one can save me but me. The day will come when what happened to him will inevitably happen to me, and I'm ready for that.

Because of that, I have mastered the art of not showing any weakness. I can control the pain until it numbs. I can't feel them anymore. Because of that, I don't know if I'm hurt emotionally or physically. I only know that I have a wound when I see someone bleeding from any part of my body.

"Lilianna..." it's been minutes. I was calm while looking at the void. I was in my room, and Azriel followed me.

"Leave me alone, Azriel." If you can't worry about me and love me as much as or more than you love my mom, just go away and leave me. I don't need you.

"Why are you so mad at me?" His voice is gentle, but I can sense sadness from it. I felt him standing behind me, so I gently faced him and looked up.

"Because you always care for my mother. You're seeing me because of her. You're here because you were asked. And I hate it! I can take care of myself. If you really care for me, then stop loving my mother. I'm the only one you can love!" he frowned and sighed.

"I can't do that, Lilianna. I love her so much that I am willing to do this for the sake of everything, of our past. I hope you understand that." Have you ever felt something like you've been peeled alive? I don't know what you can call that, but I feel that now. Do you understand? No, I will never understand that!

"Then, don't ever come back here. Don't pretend that you care; don't fake everything! Don't bring me food anymore; I can cook and buy for myself; I don't need a companion; or I know how to handle myself more than anyone could."

"Lilianna Arioch. . ."

"I love you, Azriel. You know that! You fucking always knew. And if you can't give me that love you're giving to my mother, just forget about me and leave." My cold remarks made him stiff. I can feel it. But that's the only option I can give him.

Because the moment he comes back here, I swear I won't push him away again. I will do everything so that he will love and choose me. I will do everything to make him mine. In any way that is. So, I am giving him a chance to choose right now—to decide. As soon as he returns here tomorrow. It is game over for him.

I will claim him, no matter how wrong. I'm ready to fight everything just to have him. Because I believe that if it is not today— I know, someday. .  .  He will love me more than he loves her. I will do what my mother failed to do. I will fight for him until the end. We can be a perfect couple. Two powerful individuals from renowned families.

Even if he's like a forbidden fruit—I cannot touch him, I shouldn't love him, and I cannot own him—just like everyone who is crazy in love with someone they can't have. I can't help but keep wanting the love he never gave.