Devil on my Back

“Do you have a particular grievance with the angel?” my friend, Leah, asks in her deep Scottish lilt when she finds me throwing rocks at an angel statue in the park we agreed to meet at later in the day.

I chuckle, throwing yet another rock, chipping of a piece on the edge of one of the wings. “I might have. He’s supposed to have my back.”

She sits next to me on the bench overlooking the statue. “Really? When have you ever believed in angels?”

“Since never. Though my mum used to be a believer, I guess you could say some of her beliefs got into my head. Something about guardian angels and how they protect you every second of the day.” I snort, shaking my head in disbelief.

“Here, let me try,” Leah says, picking up a rock. “If you bloody well existed, my friend here wouldn’t be hurt.” She throws the rock with so much aggression it breaks the angel’s nose.

“Uh-oh,” I exclaim then break into laughter.

“Hey!” someone shouts from behind us.

“Run,” I yell and we both sprint deeper into the park, laughing like children enjoying their game of tag. I can feel my ribs slicing against each other as they are barely healed, but I pay no heed. I don’t remember the last time I laughed or felt so alive and I wasn’t planning to ruin it with my attention seeking agony.

“Did we lose him?” I ask as we begin to slow down.

“I think so, yeah. He’s off our tail. That was rather fascinating, wasn’t it?”

I nod, chuckling over the deep breaths. “That was fun!”

“Hope that didn’t hurt you, darling?” Leah asks concerned.

Shaking my head, “No, no, I’m fine, really. I needed that.” Mentally I’m wincing at the exquisite pain, pretty sure I’ve caused quite the damage which come to think of, I might need to go back to the hospital and maybe get to see the gorgeous doctor once again.

I’d be lying if I admit to not thinking of him, his warm embrace and how it made me crave him more with so much passion and intensity, the way he nibbled on my sweet spot below my ear, making my toes curl. Thinking of that moment right now gives me chills despite the warmth of the summer. I miss his tender touch, his tender tone and just the pure ecstasy he made me feel despite my injuries. He is a drug.

I shake my head suddenly. “What am I thinking?” I ask myself silently knowing this is the reason I don’t do casual sex. I fall dangerously fast for the wrong people, people committed to flings, casuals and one-night stands. Not relationships.

Maybe that’s what went wrong with my life. I’ve lost more than I have gained for being too trusting and getting my feelings involved. Mixing in that pot is a lot of distractions and what not. I’ve spent my life chasing the first thing that stumbles my way, not putting into consideration what I want and how I want it. I’ve just been stepping on stones that I don’t know where they lead to, but just following a path laid out for me by default. I failed to realise I can make my own path and get to where I want without so much of the pain of the world, where you are expected to do everything by default of the game. A game you play has rules but the game you make, has your rules.

“To earth with Ria. What’s tangling your ropes, darling?” Leah asks, shaking me back to reality.

“Ow, Leah. Wrong shoulder, remember?”

“Sorry, darling. It totally slipped my mind how fragile you are at the moment. How did you hurt yourself, again?”

“I don’t know. I’ve told you already,” I complain in a brittle tone, taking a huge step away from her. I forget sometimes she can be really aggressive. “Why did you ask to meet? As far as I remember, you were to hop on to the next plain to Glasgow, yesterday.”

“Something came up,” she says all giddy.

“What’s so important you had to miss your flight home?”

“I met someone and he’s coming here to meet you.”

“Me? Why me?” My eyes widen in shock.

“Yes, you, who else babe? You are my ride or die and you’ll just have to come to per with everything that happens in my life. And plus, I need your approval.”

“How long have you been seeing him?”

“It’s been a month now. At first, I didn’t think our fling could turn into a relationship until he made it exclusive just the other day. Right after you told me about your accident. And that’s why I didn’t tell you. You made it pretty clear you don’t want anything to do with all the people I sleep with.”

My lips curve into a smile, but deep down I’m not so sure what I’m feeling. Is it anger? Sadness? Abhorrence to this man I’ve not met? Of course, life just had to bite off the last bit it hadn’t chewed, and that was my best friend. I know I sound selfish but her in a relationship means less time to spend with me which also means I get to feel the haunting loneliness I was trying to avoid by not breaking up with Michael. I’ve realised I am too needy.

“Oh, I forgot to mention, he’s bringing some friends over and one in particular for my girl here.” She pokes my chest as she says so and I’m left in wonder, zoning out for a moment again.

A man for me. I don’t remember saying a prayer but they sure are getting answered. I’ll need a distraction. For sure it is not the doctor, but I’ll guess it’ll do, say satisfying my neediness.

“Here they come!”

I can’t fail to see the excitement on Leah. She’s always been happy but today it is different, like a small void had been filled, just the one thing to complete her. I can’t help but feel a bit envious. I want what she has, money, love, happiness, hell her whole life. It goes so smoothly for her I never see her complain.

Suddenly, at the corner of my eye I notice a familiar posture, the way his shoulders sway when he walks and that glint in his teeth when he smiles. I turn to his direction, immediately recognise that leather jacket but underneath it is blue scrubs not casual jeans and a T-shirt. He walks towards us, followed by a few other people. Leah is unable to hold her excitement and runs into their direction, jumping at the least man I could expect. Him. My doctor. My one-night stand. The man I can barely stop thinking about.

Bitterness now surrounds my mood, choking out the peace, the delight I had momentarily felt when I thought my prayers are being answered. It’s always too good to be true. I’ll never be Leah. No matter how many rose coloured glasses I put on, my life seems to be destined to crumble, I should just stop expecting.

I watch as he picks her up by her feet, hugs her back lovingly and gives her a long passionate kiss before putting her down. When his trajectory is set for me, I take a sudden interest on my feet. I want to cry. I want to run away. Why did he even get in bed with me when he had a girl he’s seeing? It was just one night but I hate how hurt I am feeling right now, especially the lack of remorse or shock in his eyes, his features. It makes me wonder if he knew all along Leah and I are acquainted.

“Ria, come meet my boyfriend, Dustin.”

Dustin. Dustin! That rings a bell.

I wear a forced smile and walk over to them. I’m not sure if I should admit we’ve met or not. Not able to decide, I hand over that responsibility to him. I meet his eyes and wait for his lead. I’ll not be responsible for hurting my best friend. At least I should try to keep one valuable thing.

He shakes my hand, unabashedly meeting my eyes and showing off his perfect teeth. I give out a series of mmh, in aim of delaying my speech it’s almost comic.

“Well, introduce yourself,” Leah nudges at me.

I continue smiling, adamant in not speaking first. Dustin, apparently his name is, also smiles and says nothing. I give him the ‘what are you doing’ look before the ‘say something’ look. He shakes his head and gives me the ‘you go first’ look. I snatch my hand back from his grip, straighten my shirt and look at Leah. I’ll have to tell her. We had a pact to never lie to each other.

Leah notices my discomfort, looks at me then at her boyfriend then back at me. I in turn show her my shame and remorse, hoping she understands where I was going with this.

“Have you two already met?” she asks.

Dustin is unmoving, stoic and still says nothing. Leah looks at me and I direct my eyes to my bandaged shoulder, hopefully she’ll connect the dots of the handsome one-night stand doctor I had told her about with so much confidence. I feel awful. I feel like I have betrayed her for some reason.

“No! Don’t tell me this is the guy.”

“I’m sorry, Leah. I didn’t know.” I look down in shame.

“Well, if you had agreed to meet that afternoon before you got yourself drunk and into the arms of a stranger, we wouldn’t be in such an awkward situation, now, would we?” I can taste the hurt in her tone.

“Are you blaming this on me? It’s an honest mistake and you didn’t start dating him until after that dreadful day I had.” I can't help but sound accusing.

She shakes her head in disbelief and turns to Dustin. “How could you?”

“Babe, I can explain.”

I roll my eyes. Oh, so now he can talk.

“You knew we were getting serious. You knew I had feelings for you.”

“And that’s why I asked you to be my girlfriend. I wouldn’t if I knew you just needed the benefits.”

I can see her trying to fight the tears. Somehwere deep in me feels a pinch of relief seeing her broken for once. Maybe it is about time she got scratched by the nail. It is a mere slap on the wrist. Some of us have had it worse.

“Then why did you sleep with my best friend? I showed you pictures of her when I was showing you mine from a trip in Brazil, don’t tell me you didn’t know it was her.”

I look at him in disgust. He did know we are acquainted. He did this deliberately.

“It was pure coincidence that I met her by my doorstep, I swear. Sleeping with her was to make sure I was cut out for commitment; you know I’ve never settled before. I had to…”

“You used me?” I scoff, cutting him off, hurt the feeling taking over the bitterness.

I place an assuring hand on Leah’s shoulder. “Leah, let’s just go.”

She rudely shrugs off my hand, taking her phone out of her bag. “If you weren’t too busy being selfish and getting drunk alone, ignoring my calls in the name of a dreadful day, and you,” she spites at Dustin, dialling ruthlessly before placing the phone to her ear, “being too busy to confirm if you have feelings for me or not, we wouldn’t be having this conversation…Luke, can I get the next ticket to Glasgow tonight? Thanks. Don’t ever contact me.”

“Leah,” I call out, but she ignores storming off in a hurry.

I face Dustin, anger now boiling in the embers of my stomach. That was my last straw to remaining sane. I’ve lost everything.

“You fucking did this on purpose.”

He scoffs, wearing a nefarious smirk. “I thought you’d be happy. Now you get to have me all by yourself.”

I scoff as well, looking over his shoulder at the audience he had brought with him. They are really invested in the situation like watching a Hollywood blockbuster at a cinema everyone has given the fuss and it turns out to be really congenial. It is all a ploy.

In the spur of the moment, I remember seeing the name Dustin on the first envelope I picked from my doorstep. I scrunch my eyebrows.

“Who are you?”

He tucks my hair behind my ear still so gentle, giving me a profound sense of comfort despite my rage. It reminds me of our night together. The ecstasy, the love. But is it really love? He does seem to know what I want.

“I am the one who gets to control your life. In return, give you what you truly desire,” he moves so close and whispers in my ear.

“By denying me a normal life? By inviting loneliness over the loss of everyone and everything I ever cared about? I don’t desire anything if everything I had is snatched away from me.”

I try to move back, but he holds my hair from behind my neck and gradually tightens his grip it is somehow less hurting by the tenderness of his fingers.

“You already sold your soul, darling. You are mine!”