Paris is as wet and grey as New York had been, although somehow it feels worse because the eternal grey cloud that always shadows me here, hits as soon as we emerge from our plane. Arry holds my hand and doesn’t let go; always there, always holding me up and back in our apartment we waste no time in doing a walk through to argue over what we are sending back home.
In the morning he’s coming with me to school; he called them as soon as we got home and arranged a meeting with the head of department … Mr. Carrero. in full business mode, ready to take my tutor head on in legal ways, even though his first instinct is to hunt him down and beat the shit out of him. I am not convinced he still won’t once he is face to face with him. He has that air of fighter on and I know it won’t let up until he gets this matter in hand.
“I’m nervous.” I call out to Arry, while trying to calm my hands from trembling, taking deep breaths. Standing in my room getting ready, while Arry is in the bathroom styling his hair. I feel sick again, ever since I got up it’s been bad, and the dizziness I’m having with it is knocking me off kilter. I know it’s nerves, but I can’t shake it.“Don’t be… We are walking out of there with your graduation secured, your record untainted by any possible backlash and hopefully an agreement that today will be the last time you step foot in there. I want that bastard punished. If that’s really what you want, Sophs?” He wanders through, looking sexily smart in his suit and tie and immaculately groomed self. He’s all Mr. Carrero. business mode this morning, even wearing a tie for this, even though he hates them.“I want this to be over.” I smile at him from my reflection, attempting b
The little bar is bustling and Arrick has me in the safe space of his arms at the bar, so I don’t get crushed by the people pushing in and out. He is talking to the bartender over my head as I try to listen over the noise and feel like maybe this was not the best idea I ever had.He’s speaking French., I have no clue what he is ordering for us at all, but he knows what I like so I leave him to it. This is the second place we have been tonight after our meal in a bistro down the street. We left there when a lot of students came in and started pushing each other around merrily, obviously a little worse for wear. I could tell by Arrick’s demeanor and how close they kept coming to me that he would be bristling for a fight if they got any nearer and suggested we find a bar to move to. This one isn’t much better as we are in the trendy part of Paris where all the clubs are super busy and not the small quiet cozy nook I envisioned when I suggested this.
Arrick hands me a glass of water in bed and sits down on the edge to look at me. He seems calmer than when we first got in and practically dumped me in here in a bid to high tail it to the bathroom. My boy is a bit of a germaphobe with certain things and vomit touching him seems to turn him from manly caretaker to cringing nauseated man child.“Feeling better?” He smiles, looking fresh and clean from the very long shower in which he probably bleached his skin to death. It wasn’t exactly my crowning moment of sexiness, but I have a good boyfriend who didn’t say anything about me ruining his night or making him take his expensive jacket, shirt and pants and put them straight in a black bag as soon as he got in the bathroom.“Much.” I smile and take a sip, now dressed in one of Arry’s t-shirts.“I think we should have stayed home and let you fully recover.” He watches me drink a little then takes the glass when
“This is stupid… I’m not pregnant.”“You have to pee on this bit and put the lid back on… Do you need me to come in and help?”“Really? Help me pee on a stick?” I frown at him and he sort of shrugs. Ever since he went for this damn thing at stupid o’clock, he has practically harassed me nonstop to do it already. I want to go to bed and be left alone.I think he’s read the instructions a dozen times and I take it from him roughly and roll my eyes.“Maybe you should do the test, as sometimes, I think you are definitely the girl in this relationship.” I huff at him in irritation so done with this topic now and turn to head for the bathroom. Quicker I get this
“Don’t talk to me” I yell at him as he walks into the bedroom and turns and walks straight back out with a frown and a sigh, doing his best not to fight with me again. We have been fighting all day about everything and nothing and I am being my crazy, irrational self-right now, who doesn’t want to converse or touch in any way. Good old Sophie is reverting inside her head to deal with this shit and Arry is on the verge of some sort of silent mental break down.Feeling enraged, crazy upset that this is ruining everything for us. My head’s a chaos of mess and conflicting thoughts and fear.A baby, a real live little human being inside of me, that we put there, and it screws everything up. I can’t go home unless by land and sea and Arry would never be okay with that long-haul journey. He wants me to stay put until I can fly again, stay put when he goes back to our city to finish the last weeks of his ties to his family business and leave
Two weeks of nightmare life, all down to me, my moods and erratic behavior that has tested every single ounce of Arricks patience. I think he’s literally seen every bad version of me there is and then some, and I can’t help it.The idea that I am pregnant has well and truly sunk in, but I don’t love it any more than I did and feel a huge sense of resentment that I have to stay here while he flies home today to do whatever he needs to do. In the end Jake couldn’t sway his father to change the plans as he is digging his heels in. I think he is punishing Arrick over leaving the company and using his last weeks as a weapon to piss him off.We haven’t told anyone except Jake and Emma about the baby yet, sworn them to the upmost secrecy and I wouldn’t even talk to her on the phone about it. I’m not ready for sweet cozy chats about motherhood. I don’t want all that happiness and congratulations aimed at me when all I can think a
Arry doesn’t come back, he texts from the airport and says he needs time to cool off and will call me when he lands. I don’t bother replying and he doesn’t text again to see why I don’t.Heartbroken that he went and did the one thing he never does; walked out and left me when we are fighting the worst kind of fight. It feels like a betrayal, that he’s broken a promise and the way I am feeling, I want to hate him. Hating him for four days will be easier than missing him.I go to the kitchen and grab the ice cream from the freezer, eating so much I make myself throw up and then lay on bed feeling about a thousand times worse. I despise that he can make me feel this desolate, that when we argue he becomes the one obsessive thought in my head, and I cannot function beyond it.
“Merci, Doctor. Rousea. I will take care of her.” Janetta ushers the man out of my bedroom and I stay where I am, laid on the bed, numb and lifeless with no feelings or thoughts in my head. Like an empty shelf of nothingness as time ticks slowly by.It all happened so fast that it seems like a dream to me now. I don’t even remember how I even got here… I remember only the basics like some long lost almost forgotten memory and then here he was, this man examining me, and she was wiping my tears and holding my hand through the pain. There was so much pain. I saw it. I knew before he had his hands on me. I knew before Janetta turned to me with a white pallor and pained expression because I saw it all. The little thing he lifted from the bathroom floor, so small it was barely real and scooped into a little plastic tu